checking everything all time driving me mad crazy HELP!!!?

[smileyK]

i have to keep checking my bag my jacket pockets for mobile phone , my home keys , my ipod shuffle the list endless my purse in my bag i feel so worked up sick anxious with worry until i look and find it it awful the overwhelming intense feeling it gives me inside ... it getting gradually worse i went get bus today and had sickening thought in my head that i hadn't locked our back door wouldn't leave me alone go away! as normally check our handle twice see if it hard and actually locked! or get into my head i haven't locked it! and of a night have to line up drink mats on coffee table straight with corners and pillows have to be right way way shoes have to be straight or bothers me!!! what's going on here? anyone inform me more please do? i'm confused? get anxious paranoid over identity fraud someone going to hack my bank account?

 

XKLX

[LancsLad]

Firstly I have found this type of behaviour to be quite problematic but I have been able to get control over it. It is a behaviour and thought pattern and like all behaviours it can be modified but this takes time.

 

My first point is that my partner often can't find things and remeber where she left them, she can forget to lock doors, leaves lights on, goes shopping and forgets to buy things we need etc... this is fine as we are all human and have weaknesses. In contrast her AS partner, me, hardly ever does any of these, in fact I can't remeber the last time I have and my memory is very good. The point being is that this type of behaviour can be a positive thing in our lives.

 

I think an important step is to monitor your bahaviour for a period of time and note down when you check things or make sure objects for example are in their special place and how many times you do it.

 

I would then split the list up into important, not so important, and inconsequential activities. You might feel everything is important but if you want to change split them up. Here are some examples which I have had issues with. Locking front doors, having door key with me, turning off the oven all of these are important as the effect of not doing so might be dangerous or lead to more difficult problems. Having my design equipment in the right boxes, checking my e-mails, writting in my electronic diary, these things are all important things in my life and at times my behaviour around them can be very obsesive but they are not critical things and so for me go in the second list. In my final list I would put things like having my clothes straight on my body, the order in which I tie my shoe laces, if my work desk is strictly arranged. These last things need to be one way or the other and I might have a preference but to be truthful they are not that important as I can function very well either way around.

 

The next big issue is in trying to reduce the levels of anxiety around each activity and in trying to get a control over them. This takes time and needs constant work to make real progress and i feel it is about dealing with the anxiety. The best place to start is with the last list. I might fee that it is important that my desk is tidy and might feel compeled to tidy it up. What I have done is said to myself that I will tidy it up but in an hour and that I need to carry on working as that is more important. This was not easy as it entails a period of anxiety but it is safe anxiety and I was able to get through it. The same is true of things like checking e-mails or this forum for example, I might be doing this say 12 times a day. The next step is to get this down to possibly 10 then 8 etc... I could either list times but this might easily lead to obsessive behaviour rather giving myself a quota has been more effective. I might want to check my e-mail but then have to think do I want to use up one of my allowances or leave it for a bit. One example might be I get up in the morning and check someone has sent an e-mail, I then send a reply and I am anxious have they recieved it and answered straight back. It is reasonable to give them a chance and checking every 2 minutes is not very constructive so I might give it 20 or 30 minutes and live through the anxiety. If there is no response and I am using up my allowances then I might think sensibly that they are at work and their next best chance will be at dinner in this case I check again at say 1:30 and use up another go. I think this type of rational behaviour at times does need some artificial controls put on it. I will get anxious in these types of scenarios but the more I am proactive in managing anxiety the easier it becomes.

 

The most difficult area and the one you highlight are things in the first list. Here I believe you have to recognise that checking is a good thing but ask yourself to what extent. In some instances I believe it is counterproductive. I know in the past for example I put keys in open pockets which are easily checked, and this behaviour has been close to an unconcious action. In reality I guess I had more chance of loosing my keys by checking them and them not going back into a pocket and falling to the ground than if I didn't at all.

 

Taking another example from my life, I go running every morning and so have to take a key with me, leaving it under a plant pot is a bad idea as someone could use it to get in the house, so logic says a back up is out of the question and I wouldn't trust a neighbour either as they might go out. The key thing could be a very big thing and has been. The first part of my solution is that I have to have a secure place to put it which is just for the key and nothing else can contaminate this space. When I buy any clothes, bags etc... they must have these spaces and enough of them otherwise I simply won't buy the product. This is important I recently bought a running backpack and it even had a pocket inside a pocket complete with a clip to take my key making it a five star purchase, made my day in fact. So in my example I have running shorts and tights all with zipped pockets. I then need to have some emotional security so I put my key on a key ring which is big enough so that I can feel it but not so big it bugs me. This also created a rattle noise which I have deadened down with an elastic band but not lost completely. A similar approach might be feeling in a bag for a mobile or hearing a bunch of keys but not going as far as having to get them out of a pocket. The final part of my jigsaw is how many times should I check for my key and this is about routine building. My routine is lock the back door and zip key in pocket check zip (1), go through back gate touch check for key(2) pull down running top, just before starting run touch check (3, optional still working on it). My target is to get it down to just the first 2 it was at about 7 or 8 a few months back. I still want to check part way around the run but I know I have tried so hard to cut it down and don't want to go back there. At these times I think through the first 2 checks and then remind myself I have never forgoten or lost a key so in all probability it is still there safely zipped in my pocket at that very moment. I can try to feel it if I must but not with my hands only the small of my back or I can try and listen for a faint jingling noise but I musn't check any other way, I am now at the stage that thinking it is there is enough am considering taking it of the key ring as I have made so much progress.

 

As I said checking things or being tidy and organised are really good attributes to have, being overly concerned with these things is a real energy drain. I never want to get sloppy as a person in fact I nag my partner to double check things all the time and I still fail to understand why she does not have special places for things like her car keys and mobile phone but drops them anywhere without a thought, I laugh now at some of the places they have turned up. She secretly hid some keys once before going on holiday forgot where the secret place is and we still havn't found them 8 years on! I never want to be sloppy in my behaviour but personally I feel a double check is a very good target if the system is secure, a tripple check is still good but beyond that I would say it is wasted energy. I am far from being perfect but have been able to work through this problem though it has taken me a couple of years to really get a grip with it. I fully recognise the anxiety involved but feel we have to learn to live with it in small doses and that is why I think making lists and takling one or two areas at a time is a good way forwards. Hope there a few pointers and some encouragement in the reply,

 

best wishes.