Social isolation

[Moby75]

Hi

Why is it that I feel like a social outcast in university. I have a great friend who was diagnosed with ADHD and encouraged me to see a psychologist as I knew I have always felt different and I have struggled all my life. Off I went and came back with a diagnosis of high functioning asperges. It certainly explained everything and turned a light on in my head so everything made sense. Since my diagnosis 2 other women have joined our group who are fantastic so there is now 4 of us who socialise together in between lectures, however I have now distanced myself. I hardly talk to my mate any more I go off for a walk on my own at lunch and have put huge Barriers up and have made myself socially isolated. I can't cope with the group of 4 now I was happier with just the 2 of us. My tutors have even started asking if all is ok.

Has anyone got any advice. Sorry for the ramble.

[Tally]

This is a difficult one. It's nice you've made 2 more friends, but I can understand why this is also difficult to cope with. A group of 2 is much easier to deal with than a group of 4.

 

I don't know any solutions I'm afraid, I think I would have exactly the same difficulty. Since your tutors have expressed concern about you, maybe you could explain the situation and see if they can suggest anything.

[Sally44]

Could you talk to your friend and explain the situation and say that you would like to meet up with him [or any of the other three if that is what you want], but explain that you find it hard if it is everyone. Maybe then you could arrange to meet one for morning break, another for lunchtime, another for the afternoon etc??

 

Is it possible that the diagnosis, although a relief in some ways, is also making you feel down or depressed? Are you enjoying doing other things you used to do, or is active isolation on your part a general overall withdrawal into yourself? If it is then you may have low mood, or beginnings of depression?

 

You may simply need some time on your own or time to come to terms with your diagnosis.

[Moby75]

Hi mt McKinley. I am struggling with my diagnosis and I feel very low and withdrawn at the moment. Even though I have got people around me I feel very alone and as though I am in a world where no one understands me.

[Sally44]

I think getting a diagnosis is a relief, but it is also very final ie. you have something for life.

 

I would give yourself time to come to terms with this. When my son was diagnosed, it probably took nearly 2 years before I came to terms with it and my emotions were all over the place for a long time.

 

Try to spend some time every day doing things that you like. Watch TV that makes you laugh. Pamper yourself a bit. Don't be hard on yourself and recognise that you will need some time to think it all through.

 

If you find that your low mood is all encompassing and you are not enjoying life in general or the things you used to enjoy, then it might be worth a visit to the GP to explain that you've recently received a diagnosis, and that you think you may have depression.

 

Remember that with diagnosis rates, there will be alot of people around you that feel just like you do.

 

You could even think about forming some kind of Aspergers club. It could be on-line - it does not have to be groups of people meeting together. It could be like this forum, for others to chat to one another, or even to meet up and go somewhere together. Believe me you are not alone in your feelings of feeling alone.

 

Remember that you are the same person now that you were before you received a diagnosis. Did you feel like this then?

 

Yes there maybe times when people don't get you, and you don't get them. But you've explained yourself very clearly on this forum. So it maybe the more subtle things that you feel you don't get. For those on the spectrum that is usually the social side of things, which maybe why you are withdrawing yourself from the social circle you had. But remember that you are withdrawing yourself. They are not withdrawing from you. Have you had a talk with the other lad that has ADHD. He must have similar feelings about his diagnosis and how it affects him.

[LancsLad]

When it comes to social interaction I can take it or leave it, I am not honestly bothered either way, if anything I have a preference most of the time for being on my own, and I am happy for it to be this way. Having been to university recently as a mature student living away from home there is a lot of social pressure to join in which can be difficult.

 

I think you need to decide how much of a social life do you want and if so can you manage this against your other priorities at the moment. Whilst personally I can take or leave social relationships I know the reality is that if I do not put some investment into them when it suits me and I want to pick them up they might not be there, and this will be my own fault. I think this idea of having to make an investment is really important. As an individual with AS I know my energies at times can be limited and so I will choose to invest that time wisely, if it is involved with making friends this is deffinately the case.

 

It might be that you are playing the field, people do this all the time. I do this as well and tend to look for low maintenance friendships.I have found that I either take up one of three positions in life. The first one is isolated and I am happy with this being my own best friend and feeling very flexible and having no ties. The other position is having one best friend with whom I share common interests and I use these interests as a catalyst to keep the friendship going, had two or three such relationships. The other option is finding a group of three or four individuals who have good a good relationship between themselves and as such I can drop in an out of the group and there is little in the way of a social maintenance requirement on me. What I have found in such small group relationships I tends to be a core shared interest and I am normally the most experienced at this and from this position there is a certain level of respect, without which I would be pretty much superferlous to the groups requirements.

 

I would simply take a step back and be honest in what you are trying to achieve in respect to your own needs after all without total honesty all relationships social or otherwise are a complete sham.

 

Just a few thoughts.

[darkshine]

At this time in my life (where I can't be bothered half the time) I'd probably take one of the original 2 friends to one side and explain how the extra people made me feel - and I'd explain properly - I wouldn't force them to make a decision or anything like that, I'd just explain that's its nothing personal, I just can't cope with 4 people at this point in life, I might see if they would be be ok with occasionally hanging out like before - and I might try small steps at taking part with the bigger group - as Lanslad said - it has advantage in that there's less pressure if you dip in and out of it - but that doesn't mean you have to isolate yourself right now - I'd definitely talk with the original 2 and see if they understand.

 

Dunno if that helps

[Leanne Thomas]

Dear Moby75,

 

I agree with what LancsLad said about not really caring about social situations and wanting to be alone; to me at least, anyway social situations do not really matter and are quite pointless when you think about it, however if the extra people in your friendship circle being there really bothers you, then you should probably tell them about it. By this, I mean subtly tell the two other women how their being there exasperates your anxiety attributed from Asperger's, and how it makes you feel uncomfortable.- If they are true friends, they should understand this and be able to empathize with you, although is not then they clearly are not the best sort of friends to have.

 

You could also talk to your ADHD about how you feel because maybe they could help you; they could help you talk to the others, they could make the social environment more comfortable for you, or most importantly they could be a person to talk to and to give you some advice.

You could alternatively talk to your tutors about your situation; from what you said they already seem quite concerned and genuinely would like to help you. I'm sure they'd understand, too.

 

Lastly, (assuming you have a psychologist) you could talk to them about this, and maybe (hopefully) they can give you expert advice to help you deal with your social isolation).

 

I hope my advice helps!

 

...Oh yeah, one question for you:

 

Do both your tutors and the other two friends know of your Asperger's diagnosis or do they not?

[Moby75]

Hi thanks for your advice.

Yes my friends and tutors know I am asperges.