Party

[JellyJack]

So there is a group of guys outside my flat right now knocking on the door and calling my name because I said I would meet them to go to a party. Earlier, I said give me a while to go back to my room and get ready... in fact going outside is the last thing I want to do, just thinking about "parties", night clubs, dances etc etc is like a nightmare for me. I haven't known these people for long, but for certain work reasons I need to get on with them, and I will see them often. They're very nice people, and I'm sure a more normal person would like to go out partying with them. 2 minutes ago I was literally curled up panicking, praying they would just go away and let me get back to watching maths videos on my laptop by myself.

 

Tomorrow will come the half baked excuses, "I was tired and fell asleep", "I was in the shower" etc, and as it goes they will gradually start interacting less and less with me, as happens with everyone else I meet. Which is since I can't partake in regular social events; "going out to town", "scouting for chicks", I'm not even sure what people do because I've never really "gone drinking" with people at night. I just prefer to be by myself, all the time, I don't even know anymore if I want to be able to fit in with other people like I used to, because I'm so comfortable being alone. Now, I actively try to avoid talking to people, since I know what will happen. This inevitably leads to me being asked "are you alright?" frequently, in the most patronising fashion. It happened earlier today when I was having dinner in a canteen at a table by myself. I fake a big smile, put on an act and chat for a few minutes until they are satisfied and go away. Forcing myself to look happy really does drain me though, and I can't keep it up for more than, say, a day. I had to do that once, and the next day my face was physically aching.

 

The one "real" friend I have (the only person who knows what my personality is truly like and accepts for who I am) thinks I have the Aspergers problems. And made me promise to talk on an internet forum the next time I'm feeling like s***... so here I am

[ALC]

I completely know what you mean. Every day I pretend to like spending time with people and have to really try to keep conversations going to be 'polite' but it's so draining! It's nice that you have a "real" friend i'd like to think I have one of those too It always feels fine to agree to go out but then it comes round to it and I never want to go.

[trekster]

Online company can be enough for people like yourself. Have you checked out the autism/asperger diagnostic criterion to see if it makes sense to you? also googled local services including diagnostic services?