Managing Meltdowns?

[JuliaP]

Hi Everyone,

 

This is my first posting as I have a newly diagnosed Aspergers son age 13.

 

I would like some help and advice if I may by other parents or perhaps other Aspies who have experience of this and can maybe advise from past experience.

 

Since my son has been diagnosed his behaviour at home seems to have got much worse..........he is now demanding we don't play music in the house, he regularly tells us he hates us and generally has temper tantrums and slams doors, throws things and even hits out. He now goes mad at his older brother if he so much as looks at him slightly funny and his father and brother are now getting to the end of their patience with him.

 

I have read a lot of books about Aspergers and gone on training courses run by my local Autistic Society (they have been really helpful), so I feel I now have a much better understanding now of my son and I do try my best to help him through these episodes. I have found that they are quite often caused by school life which is very difficult for him, but what I really want to know is why his temper seems to have deteriorated since his diagnosis? He had tantrums before, but not so severe or so frequent.

 

He is not upset by his diagnosis, in fact he was very pleased because he said it now makes him feel special and helps him to understand himself.......so advice anyone please?

[Sally44]

Are things getting harder for him in school?

How is he doing academically? Does he have any friends from school? Is he coping in school? Is he holding it together in school and is so wound up by the time he gets home that it takes very little to set him off?

[JuliaP]

Thanks for taking the time to reply.

 

After my posting i went to chat to him in his room about why he is having more meltdowns since his diagnosis and he didn't really seem to know why, but after a little time to think and some prompting (I know feelings are hard for him to express, so I find giving him time can sometimes help), he managed to pin it down to a couple of things......

 

He has a good friend at school who has started picking on another much smaller friend and doing silly things like sticking sweet wrappers down my sons back, my son is confused by this as he was such a good friend in the previous year (this has been going on since September). We are extremely lucky in that the school he goes to are fantastic and very supportive, so I have told my son I will email the school tomorrow after school, to see if they will have a nice quiet word with this boy, to try to stop it........my son didn't want him to get into trouble, just for it to stop.

 

The other thing that seems to be upsetting him is his older brother........my son is a very loving huggable boy and loves to hug his immediate family, but my eldest son, whilst most times happily hugs him back, isn't always in the mood for a hug, so tells him to "get lost"! Unfortunately my youngest reacts badly to this, so I've had a chat with both of them to come up with a solution that they can both be happy with.........the joy of boys!!

[Sally44]

It is good that he can communicate his worries. But you may need to be proactive in asking those questions, as my own son rarely tells me anything. Even to the extent that he can have bad earache and he won't tell me unless I ask him "are you feeling poorly",and then he might say "yes my ear is hurting me, I haven't been able to sleep for days."

 

And it is good that the school is being supportive.

 

Have you thought of looking for a local parent support group?

 

With my own son I know now actively trying to find other local boys of his age and interests to try and get them together occasionally. My son does not go to his local school. He goes to an ASD specific independent school for children with Aspergers and Speech Disorders. So he has no local friends.

 

As you've seen with your own son, social issues can be real problems for them because they don't automatically understand or know what to do. I know that childrens behaviour has confused my own son to the point he opted out of playing in the playground [before he moved to his current school], because he said he could not tell if the children were his friends or enemies.

Edited November 20, 2013 by Sally44

[Special_talent123]

,meltdowns are not the same as tantrums. I get them quite a bit. Going from not understanding people, to dealing with companies too and getting no where with them. Meltdown is built up stimuli that is uncontrollable and we let it out because all the pressure builds up inside us and then we need a release where a tantrum is we want attention

 

Him telling u to turn of music, might be he doesn't like the music, doesn't like the level it's on or it can mean he has a headache which make it worse

Edited November 20, 2013 by Special_talent123

[bed32]

As I'm sure you know, the meltdowns are not really the problem - they are a symptom of some other underlying issue. You really need to concentrate on identifying and resolving those underlying causes.

 

However one technique that can help directly is teaching the child to monitor their own emotional state. This is often done with a 5 point scale - you get the child to assess how they are feeling at any time and teach them techniques to adopt when they get to a 3 or 4 (e.g. taking a time out) to stop. We are trying this with our son but not being particularly successful at the moment as he struggles to recognise his increasing anxiety in time.

 

Other than that it is a matter of analysing what his needs are and making sure they are met. That has to start off with the school environment making sure the environment is suitable and that he has the specialised support he needs.

[Special_talent123]

Meltdowns are triggered by something yes, that's part of the autism as it's uncontrollable like me it's having to handle benefits and not getting anyway, getting locked out are trigger to meltdowns, even arguing if someone finishes 5 minutes early and then having a meltdown because it's change

[JuliaP]

Thank-you everyone for your replies, they have been extremely helpful.......if only to know there are others out there who have similar problems that can help others in their hour of need.

 

He does really struggle at the school, what doesn't help i feel is the size of it (it has just under 2000 pupils) and as there are so many pupils it is difficult for the teachers to cater for my son. Most are marvelous and do try to understand him, but there are always the exceptions and they're the ones that can upset him. Just today he came back home after school and his hands were covered in drawings, I knew straight away that something had happened as he doesn't normally do this. It turns out they had a supply teacher to cover science, so this was unexpected and the teacher could not control the class, so to manage he drew all over his hands.

 

We have only just received his written diagnosis, therefore the school will only just have received theirs, so we are going to arrange a meeting so that we can talk through everything that is and can be done to support his needs within school.

 

I have also just found out that there is a ASD school opened up 3 miles away from our home and they are for Aspergers and high functioning. I have spoken to my son about attending this school, but he wants to keep his friends he has at his existing school and of course this would be a very big change!!

 

I do invite a friend round who is NT, but very good with my son and they share the same interests, which if course makes my son very happy. I have been unsuccessful with his new friends because whenever they're asked, they never seem to be able to come......after talking to my son, I am now wondering is they're Aspie too and of course don't know me. I thought that maybe when I have the meeting with the school to ask them to speak to the parents of these children to see if we could sort something out to make things less stressful for both parties?

 

As I am new to all of this, I find I learn as I go and have joined the National Autistic Society and our local Autistic Society who have been brilliant and a great source of help and information.....they also have parent groups once a month of which I will be attending. I have also read a lot of books, but as you're all aware, each child is different.

 

My son does try his hardest and will thankfully talk to me as long as I ask the right questions and I am learning to recognize the signs before that tantrums........sometimes.....;-).

 

Thanks to everyone once again.

[Special_talent123]

Do u have the lea backing on funding for that school?

[JuliaP]

Sorry to sound a little stupid, remember I am New to this.......but what do you mean by lea backing for the school? I know what the LEA is, but not what you mean by the question?

 

Thanks.

[Special_talent123]

Funding for autistic schools

[JuliaP]

I don't have any LEA funding for the Autistic School, i didn't know he would need it, I just presumed he would be able to go there if he wanted to? To be honest I haven't looked into it too much as he didn't seem too keen on going. I thought that maybe it would be better for him because the staff would have more training and the other kids wouldn't bully him........something he suffers with most days.

[JuliaP]

ha, ha......just found out how naive i am, just looked at the Autistic Schools website and it seems you need a referral. I think you only go there if you have behavioral problems. It must be brilliant for some families though, so it's good they exist.

[Special_talent123]

I had a statement and went to a sen school for people with moderate learning disabilities

[bed32]

AS/ASD schools are designed to help pupils who cannot cope in mainstream. Given that your son has only just got a diagnosis and has managed in mainstream up to now his is likely to be less impacted by his AS then most of the pupils at an AS specialist school. You definitely don't need behavioural problems to go to an AS school - in fact they are inappropriate for pupils with genuine behaviour issues.

 

Many AS children will demonstrate challenging behaviour in the wrong environment - but this is a symptom that other fundamental needs are not being met and the sort of interventions that are appropriate for behavioural problems in a normal child are totally wrong for an AS child - never let anyone treat your son like that or suggest "EBD" type provision.

 

Independent AS schools are expensive so the LEA will only pay for them if you have a statement, and to get a statement from where you are now is likely to take at least a year, probably more, unless his current placement falls apart totally. As a half-way house there are mainstream schools with an AS unit attached - these tend to work well for pupils who can cope in a mainstream class but need a bit of extra support.

 

At this stage probably the most important thing for your son is to have some input from teachers with experience of ASD. That can be as little as an ASD outreach teacher giving advice on strategies to his current environment. There is a lot that can be done to make a mainstream school less hostile to an AS child, often with very little effort. An example would be allowing him to take a "Time Out" to get out of any situation where he is struggling to cope - letting him go to a quiet/calming place to settle himself.

[JuliaP]

Again, thank-you for taking the time to reply, all your answers are extremely helpful to me and my son.

 

Thankfully my son has no behavioral problems within school, he holds everything in until he gets home and then of course, as parents we certainly know when something has gone wrong!

 

I think we need to go to the school to have a meeting to talk through what will help my son within school.......things like not asking him questions in front of the class, letting him know ofany possible changes if possible and maybe even sitting out of PE if it is a big game of rugby where he maybe jostled.

 

I think he will be better of staying where he is, like you say they need to make a few allowances for him and his life will be so much better. As I have gound the school very supportive so far, I have high hopes for this.

 

Thanks everyone. :-)

[bed32]

It is a common problem with AS children that they pressure they feel at school overflows into challenging behaviour at home, but improving the school situation should improve things at home as well.

 

He certainly seems to be getting on well in mainstream - so concentrate on getting the school trained up so they understand his needs and the (comparatively small) adjustments that will make his life much better (and therefore yours). Probably worth making a push to get him on "School Action Plus" as that means the school should get additional funding to meet his needs. However if he is progressing well at school and the problems are only coming out at home you may have problems convincing the school that there is an issue they need to address.

 

Do also look carefully at how he is doing in school - he may be doing okay but could do better with more support.

[JuliaP]

Have had a lovely chat to my son and we now have a small list of things the school can do to make school life more manageable for him. I am feeling much more positive now because the list is quite small and I feel easy for the school to put in place........thankfully he seems quite realsitic in his expectations. I did ask about him having a quite place to go, but he said he didn't want this because it would draw attention to him and he doesn't want the attention.

 

He is making very good progress at school depsite his unhappiness, so I feel he will simply be much happier there and we will habe fewer tantrums. Even since I posted my 1st forum, he has improved, I think, maybe because I am learning about him too. :-)

 

He did have a real problem in ICT before because the teacher was useless and ICT is his "specialist subject", but after talking to the head of ICT He has been given the whole curriculum to work on at his pace.........this alone has been fantastic!

 

Many Thanks everyone! :-)