Jump to content
  • Announcements

    • Kris

      Depression, Mental Health and Crisis Support   06/04/2017

      Depression, Mental Health and Crisis Support   Depression and other mental health difficulties are common amongst people on the autistic spectrum and their carers.   People who are affected by general mental health difficulties are encouraged to receive and share information, support and advice with other forum members, though it is important to point out that this exchange of information is generally based on personal experience and opinions, and is not a substitute for professional medical help.   There is a list of sources of mental health support here: <a href="http://www.asd-forum.org.uk/forum/index.php?showtopic=18801" target="_blank">Mental Health Resources link</a>   People may experience a more serious crisis with their mental health and need urgent medical assistance and advice. However well intentioned, this is not an area of support that the forum can or should be attempting to offer and we would urge members who are feeling at risk of self-harm or suicide to contact either their own GP/health centre, or if out of hours contact NHS Direct on 0845 4647 or to call emergency services 999.   We want to reassure members that they have our full support in offering and seeking advice and information on general mental health issues. Members asking for information in order to help a person in their care are seeking to empower both themselves and those they represent, and we would naturally welcome any such dialogue on the forum.   However, any posts which are deemed to contain inference of personal intent to self-harm and/or suicide will be removed from the forum and that person will be contacted via the pm system with advice on where to seek appropriate help.   In addition to the post being removed, if a forum member is deemed to indicate an immediate risk to themselves, and are unable to be contacted via the pm system, the moderating team will take steps to ensure that person's safety. This may involve breaking previous confidentiality agreements and/or contacting the emergency services on that person's behalf.   Sometimes posts referring to self-harm do not indicate an immediate risk, but they may contain material which others find inappropriate or distressing. This type of post will also be removed from the public forum at the moderator's/administrator's discretion, considering the forum user base as a whole.   If any member receives a PM indicating an immediate risk and is not in a position (or does not want) to intervene, they should forward the PM to the moderating team, who will deal with the disclosure in accordance with the above guidelines.   We trust all members will appreciate the reasoning behind these guidelines, and our intention to urge any member struggling with suicidal feelings to seek and receive approproiate support from trained and experienced professional resources.   The forum guidelines have been updated to reflect the above.   Regards,   The mod/admin team
Mr Salvador

Aspie Parents?

Recommended Posts

There is a lot of information on the internet about what to do if you are the parent of an aspie...

 

But what about the aspie parents of NT children?

 

I have a lot of trouble keeping up with her as she displays many NT social qualities. Most of which make me squirm.

 

I am separated from my daughter and see her fornightly. I want her to have as much fun as possible and try to teach her things I think are important, about nature and fixing things.

 

Im not sure if its my routine or hers, but we go to the park everytime and she insists on saying hi to everyone at the park and shout 'look at me look at me'. she's only 3 bless her and I love her so much. I want her to have fun but my life so far has been quite serious and scientific, and get stuck when shes trying to engage with everyone there.

 

Im ok when im teaching her things that I know about, and she loves to learn, and in many ways knows more than most at her age, for example with language shes picking up Chinese mandarin off me at the moment but also seems to cope if I slip into French or Spanish. she's smart, and slightly clumbsey but I don't think shes on the spectrum

 

I just struggle with the 'let's pretend' things she wants to do and I worry im not being a complete dad for my little girl...so shes got a kitchen set, and im ok when im teaching her how to cook the egg and put it on the plate to give to me and where is the salt etc. but then she does her improvisation and tells me that the egg is a plate because she cant find the egg and my head cant handle that so I go off to find the plates and she says im such a grown up and I cant pretend!

 

so I spend the rest of the day worrying about it and go into shutdown mode when shes trying to get attention from me and all I can do it moan about it on here....

 

one thing I definitely hope from official diagnosis is that kind of family support so I know what im supposed to do to entertain a toddler except teach her Chinese and about nature and read her monotonal stories that are already pushing the limits of my reading abilities.

 

I love her so much and don't want to let her down, but how can I teach that that which I cannot do myself?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Mihaela   

Over time you might find that her being like this could help you cope better with people. She sounds so cute. :)

 

...she does her improvisation and tells me that the egg is a plate because she cant find the egg and my head cant handle that so I go off to find the plates and she says im such a grown up and I cant pretend!

 

Ah, what a shame! Can you pretend to pretend? She wouldn't know the difference. :)

 

so I spend the rest of the day worrying about it and go into shutdown mode when shes trying to get attention from me

 

There's no point in worrying. Just give her your attention. She needs it.

 

one thing I definitely hope from official diagnosis is that kind of family support so I know what im supposed to do to entertain a toddler except teach her Chinese and about nature and read her monotonal stories that are already pushing the limits of my reading abilities.

 

Read her fairy tales, play games with her, make things together... It will all become easier as she gets older.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

It sounds like you are doing your absolute best and that you care so much about her. You seem so conscientious, so already you are doing the right thing.

How about taking her to nature places such as the zoo and sea life centres? All kids love that sort of thing. Near where I live there is a 'living rainforest' where you can see all kinds of creatures and animals that live in the rainforest. My daughter loved it there. I am sure there must be other similar places to go near where you live. Other than that, how about nature walks, visits to the seaside, a trip on a boat or train to another place. Trips to the library? Our local library does a story time once a week where they listen to a story and do craft activities for free. Many other libraries will probably do other similar things. Or how about setting up a project with her, like getting a fish tank, researching it, setting it up, choosing the fish and looking after them, or a vegetable patch in the garden....the world is your oyster. Hope this helps.

 

I find it difficult with my daugher too. She's 4 but unlike your daughter is very shy and a real 'thinker'. She is very anxious about a lot of things and kicks off about simple things - I think she is very much like me and probably is HF ASD like me. This makes it easier in some ways because she likes her own space and I understand and relate to everything she does. It must be real tough for you that your daughter is NT.

 

NT or ASD or whatever - nothing will ever change the love you have with your children. Let us know how you get on.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Mihaela   

I like the fish-tank idea. I'd have enjoyed that as a child, and I'd get very excited over visits to Chester zoo and picnics in the countryside and trips to beaches (preferably quiet ones). I agree with Georgia, Mr S. - you love your bambina and you're doing your absolute best. Love conquers all.

I've known very many children over the years, and I worked with them for over 15 years, and looking back, I can now identify several girls who showed typical female Aspie traits. These were what I would then have called the more interesting but less 'popular' children. They were noticeably different from the rest, and I found them a lot easier to work with - less stressful.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
dgeorgea   

Sorry for coming to this a little late.

 

I wouldn't worry too much, it sounds you are being a great dad.

 

Why do you always have to be the teacher? An important part of the learning process is being able to teach skills/knowledge to others. Why not be the 'student' and let her teach you? She will love it and will have a great time. Just follow the instructions. If you make mistakes who cares? Your daughter won't and whose opinion is more important?

 

While I know what you mean by monotonal books, but they are only monotonal if the reader lets it be. When I was reading these type of books to my daughter when she was your daughter's age I used to explore the sounds with her. Usually by over emphasising certain letters in the word, like the B sound in blue.

 

I started reading to my daughter the day she came home from hospital and read to her every day until she was 10 and decided to inform me she was too old to be read to! I wouldn't have minded but she was finally getting into books I could enjoy and we had got to a good part of a book and I wanted to know what happened next :unsure: Reading is one of the best gifts we can give our children. My daughter went on to university to do creative writing and got a first. Some of her best childhood memories are us reading together and making up stories. It also helped us to bond and see us through the rough patches.

 

Yeah, when they get older it gets easier :lol: The friends she made I would not have picked for her, and while I wondered if her first boyfriend would be a biker or skate boarder he turned out to be a skate boarder named Pinky. Then there was all the fun things like her friends wanting to know if waxing hurt, so it was decided I would be the ideal test subject. Or how it would be fun to dress me up and put make up on me, for my wife to then decide she needed something from the shops which could not wait. The Goth phase was real fun, Kind of glad she came after the punk era. Or the day the parents at school were up in arms because the girls had got the 'special assembly' to discuss female issues. One of the parents asked my daughter what she thought and the awkward silence when she said it was okay but dad explains it much better.

 

Sadly the years seem to fly by, and against my explicit orders she grew up anyway. Why do they never listen to us? While we went through a rough patch just prior to her beginning to be tested for Aspergers I have a lot of memories and enjoyed the roller coaster ride. It can be difficult and frustrating but the best advice I can give you is to try and relax and go with the flow. Don't sweat the small stuff because there are much bigger things to come.

 

Something you might appreciate, we got her a video scope when she was 8. While we created some of the normal slides with different materials her favourite was when we decided to dissect lice and make slides with the different parts. She loved it so much she showed them to just about everyone. Secretly I think she got a kick out of everyone's reaction.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

so what am I to do when I am told that my issues with anxiety and frustration are rubbing off on her?!

 

I know I need to manage my anxiety better, but when she comes she is so demanding and never gives me time to break away and have my calm space time!

 

I hate upsetting the ones I care about the most but I cant get a break when I don't get help with her from my gf. im sure we all have our happy place to go to when things get too much, but my happy place gets interrupted because my daughter isn't old enough to know that daddy needs a break

 

currently struggling to cook dinner, something I taught myself to do aged 7. its only bacon and eggs but im really struggling to focus already and shes playing the elephant game....

 

brain is trying to shut down but ive got duties to do

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Sorry for coming to this a little late.

 

I wouldn't worry too much, it sounds you are being a great dad.

 

Why do you always have to be the teacher? An important part of the learning process is being able to teach skills/knowledge to others. Why not be the 'student' and let her teach you? She will love it and will have a great time. Just follow the instructions. If you make mistakes who cares? Your daughter won't and whose opinion is more important?

 

While I know what you mean by monotonal books, but they are only monotonal if the reader lets it be. When I was reading these type of books to my daughter when she was your daughter's age I used to explore the sounds with her. Usually by over emphasising certain letters in the word, like the B sound in blue.

 

I started reading to my daughter the day she came home from hospital and read to her every day until she was 10 and decided to inform me she was too old to be read to! I wouldn't have minded but she was finally getting into books I could enjoy and we had got to a good part of a book and I wanted to know what happened next :unsure: Reading is one of the best gifts we can give our children. My daughter went on to university to do creative writing and got a first. Some of her best childhood memories are us reading together and making up stories. It also helped us to bond and see us through the rough patches.

 

Yeah, when they get older it gets easier :lol: The friends she made I would not have picked for her, and while I wondered if her first boyfriend would be a biker or skate boarder he turned out to be a skate boarder named Pinky. Then there was all the fun things like her friends wanting to know if waxing hurt, so it was decided I would be the ideal test subject. Or how it would be fun to dress me up and put make up on me, for my wife to then decide she needed something from the shops which could not wait. The Goth phase was real fun, Kind of glad she came after the punk era. Or the day the parents at school were up in arms because the girls had got the 'special assembly' to discuss female issues. One of the parents asked my daughter what she thought and the awkward silence when she said it was okay but dad explains it much better.

 

Sadly the years seem to fly by, and against my explicit orders she grew up anyway. Why do they never listen to us? While we went through a rough patch just prior to her beginning to be tested for Aspergers I have a lot of memories and enjoyed the roller coaster ride. It can be difficult and frustrating but the best advice I can give you is to try and relax and go with the flow. Don't sweat the small stuff because there are much bigger things to come.

 

Something you might appreciate, we got her a video scope when she was 8. While we created some of the normal slides with different materials her favourite was when we decided to dissect lice and make slides with the different parts. She loved it so much she showed them to just about everyone. Secretly I think she got a kick out of everyone's reaction.

 

thanks I do try to let her teach me, I get so far doing the tea and cooking set she has, and do ok when everything is 'as is', its just when she goes off track and talks about the egg being a plate and the spoon is a knife that I get hung up. she says 'oh daddy you cant pretend, you're such a grown up!'

 

I want to teach her everything I know, but im aware that she may not want to learn as I did? I just cant comprehend fortelling what she wants me to do with her? if I teach her maybe im leading her away from her own persuits or only teaching her half of what she needs to learn being only the logical and scientific parts. not social? or maybe if I let her do things her own way all the time she will be a handful later and out of control or what? I mean I know there should be boundaries in bringing up children but I don't understand what I am to impose on her?

 

I guess I only learnt from my parents how 'not' to bring up children, which is obviously not helpful, and that I have issues understanding social norms myself, I therefore only have a few learnt behaviours regarding parenting I can reply on, having watched other people now for many years I have learnt a few tricks for bringing up my child, however my judgment isn't always right and I do get angry and I do have problems going places which I am told she is learning so I am worried that my influence on her isn't as good as it should be

 

is this just confusion or is any of it coming across?

 

knowing that NT's think differently, and having experience of the diffrences, doesn't necessilarily mean that my brain will, at the time, be able to process the difference that I would have to notice to understand that her thoughts may be different from mine when one of the problems I have is not being able to see how people think differently to me when I have processed a situation and see it 'my way is the only way'...I see that 'that' moment when AS is making me not see things anyone else's way is the moment that I will make a thinking error regarding the right thing to do at the time in 'her' benefit, which could have reprocussions for her future

 

in relation to some other of my posts, the thing my brain does when I get anxiety is trying to play the 'time game' trying to enact or avoid future events by following back time threads, which I worry about now more since she was taken away by her mother to live separately from her daddy.

 

She will learn social factors from her mother and will growingly see her dads issues every two weeks when she comes to see me. shes only 3 and is already criticising me for my inability to 'pretend' in that way, that the egg is a plate etc. I can only hope that she learns to appreciate my help with maths and science homework on Skype or something. and when she realises that her language skills come from me etc

 

I know I can offer her a lot, there aren't many english 3 year old that can understand and talk Chinese, and she knew aged 2 that she knew something her mum didn't know when I spoke it to her. last time she was here I said something to her in chinese, I was telling her off in fact, and asked her afterwards 'do you understand?', before now she had comprehended what I said and repeated words back to me, but this time she said 'I understand', demonstrating that she understands the difference between 'you' from the question, and 'me' for the response. she is brilliant, and somewhat clumbsey, but I don't think shes on the spectrum

 

so reading back maybe a lot of it based from anxiety, but I do feel the need to contribute to her life and upbringing as much as I can and I worry im not doing it right and/or making bad decisions a long the way leading to more anxiety. if she can know everything I know and be social like her mother then she will do well in life, but if she learns my anxiety and never passes her mothers level of intelligence at school then she may not. its hard not playing the time game with my daughter, I would want for her to benefit for all the lessons I learnt the hard way, is that so wrong?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

As soon as she's old enough, explain to her that you have aspergers. My dad has aspergers - he's not been diagnosed but I was never close with him and he would always want his own space all the time - never really spending time with me. I never knew him and I still don't really... Until I realised about aspergers. When I discovered I have HF ASD it hit home with me that my dad has it too. I spent years feeling resentful about him, wondering what was wrong with me, why he didn't want to be close with me...

Now i know he has aspergers as I recognise all the signs in him, I can forgive him. I'm waiting to find a right time to tell him as he has no idea.

What i'm trying to say is, when your daughter is old enough to understand and cope with it, explaining to her your condition will really help her to understand. She will be there with you all the way I am sure xxx

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

As soon as she's old enough, explain to her that you have aspergers. My dad has aspergers - he's not been diagnosed but I was never close with him and he would always want his own space all the time - never really spending time with me. I never knew him and I still don't really... Until I realised about aspergers. When I discovered I have HF ASD it hit home with me that my dad has it too. I spent years feeling resentful about him, wondering what was wrong with me, why he didn't want to be close with me...

Now i know he has aspergers as I recognise all the signs in him, I can forgive him. I'm waiting to find a right time to tell him as he has no idea.

What i'm trying to say is, when your daughter is old enough to understand and cope with it, explaining to her your condition will really help her to understand. She will be there with you all the way I am sure xxx

 

thanks fr that. im sure she will understand, as long as I don't mess up bigtime im hoping if she still loves me when shes that old then she will understand.

 

however, most adults I try to explain to explain to don't understand. they hear 'autistic' spectrum disorder and get things mixed up with true (and severe) 'autism' and say "no, you're not that" and just dismiss it completely

 

my dad was also like that and I never really considered he might be on the spectrum, I just thought it was from before him but in heinsight maybe he was. he liked spending most of his time by himself when he wasn't shouting or lashing out. I guess he also had some special interests

 

I have reason to suspect my gf has FTAS although she just thinks she has an anxiety disorder and OCD

 

I just said it. I guess I have have mixed ability when it comes to empathy. I can understand that you must be either confused or afraid of telling him what you think? maybe he also has a temper? but at least I do not seem to think about how people might feel before I say things like that. I just said it. people often are offended when I speak without thinking like that. but that's just me

 

you obviously have a high level of empathy as you always felt like he didn't love you, but now you understand and have forgiven him, maybe you can help him to understand himself better? it might be the re-making of your relationship, however it does have its risks so you should weigh them up carefully before proceeding down that route

 

thanks for the reassurance. one of my issues is never knowing really if people like me. and she doestell me a llot that she loves me, unprovoked I might add. I guess maybe the time inbetween when I see her I start to worry that one day she will choose not to come anymore. my gf says I need to be more firm with her, but I want her to enjoy herself when she comes to me and learn things too. I don't think its worth causing trouble for a 3 yr old dropping some food on the floor, I guess there are differences in parenting choice that I find hard processing properly. logic I process in seconds but decisions that involve choice or emotion I struggle with and it sets off my anxiety, which then lead my gf to want to go elsewhere when I have my daughter here, which in turn causes me more anxiety because it makes me feel she doesn't care about me enough to engage with my daughter days which then in turn makes me angry at myself that I need to rely on partners so much in daily life and that maybe ive moved 100 miles away from bambina to be with somebody who cant be bothered to do that which makes me happy even though she expects me to do everything on her list before she will show me any affection (which I guess I might yearn from her having some issues, at least previously, with adhd)

 

wow that was a rant, sorry I got caught in a tangent then

 

so apart from that she made me go to a party a bbq and her sister and brother were talking about their cousin who has Aspergers and referring to him as a 'spakka' persistently! grr. presumeably they hadn't been told about me then. I just walked inside to get some food so perhaps she could bring them into the loop, but even though I didn't expect that sort of offense when I was doing so well even going there, not really knowing anyone, and the purpose being to meet her brother for the first time too. I took my PRN and I guess I didn't react but she kept on asking if im ok all the time. what am I meant to say then that's not going to reel off into one of my uncontrollable rants?!

 

oh dear im doing it again. got to go do my thing now

 

thanks for the support Georgia, I have the feeling one day I will explain to bambina in Chinese. she is so smart. I never cried in my adult life until I realised how smart she is, not even the day she was born, I guess that feeling is pride. they say pride is a sin but I think that only refers to the self. bambina is the love in my heart and I just need to get my diagnosis so I can get stability in my life so I can be there for me if she needs me without relying on women who might not be fully committed to my best interests

 

process your risk assessment for the convo with your dad suitably. if the prognosis is that he might be receptive and he wont be aggressive, then surely there is only everything to gain from the sharing. however only you know his response and if he wont take it well you may be wise to wait for more support, from other family members perhaps

 

in a suitably 'me' and undeniably 'religious-neutral' fashion, may 'the force' be with us all x

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm going to tell my dad I think. Not directly as in "You have aspergers" but I'm going to first of all explain to him about my own journey first - which will then maybe make him recognise some of the traits in himself. He's a soft character so I do think he will be ok about it.

 

As for you and your daughter - why not wait until the right time to actually show her the messages on here? She will see that these are your actual concerns and will help her to understand? Really, from a daughter's point of view, she would rather you were open and honest - and she will be understanding. And, for the record, whatever anyone else says, well who are they?! Reeeeaallllllyyyyy???? Are you really worried about what little stupid people say about something they know nothing about???? ASD gives you strength and independence. Use it. We are here on here to support you.

 

Good luck xxx

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thanks Georgia

 

I know my daughter loves me, she doesn't hesitate to tel me when her mum shuts the car door, its great but very emotional. I love her so mmuch and my worry is that I will let her down with the things I don't think about.

 

My struggles are coping with emotions and making decisions that are based on or involve emotion. Where decisions can be made with logic I excell, and decisions made logically are made in spilt seconds, however when ot comes to making a decision which may have negative impact on how she feels about me where I mess up and start stressing.

 

Same with sensory overoad with noises and light, I am particularly sensitive to stress and worrying my actions may let my daughter down makes it difficult now for me to think about getting back to work.

 

We still have bills to pay and because my partner earns over 'the threshold' we don't get much in the way of financial support so I need to work but haven't found anything il be happy doing Monday to Thursday. Best I can gdo is half day on Fridays in engineering environment. I know I need to show my daughter even if one has difficulties that one can still work and earn money and overcome the problem and conquer it.

 

So for her now I need to do this job even if it means I can't pick her at lumchtimes, maybe next year when she goes ful time and I get there in time (she lives 120 miles away)

 

I just worry a lot. I want to be a great dad and know I am sometimes, but thinking about the things one by definrion 'cannot' think about makes me worry.

 

I just hope she will always love me, and not being able to process al the emotions involved makes me stressed. I never knew how to process emotion, and never realised I had any till I became a dad

 

Trying to make a life so far away makes me nervous, but my only option after I got evicted again after only ring rescued by my new gf.

 

I am determined to be there for her, just confused as to how to do it.

 

I still wait for dignosis, but no money now forces me back to fake normailty in order to work. If they sort me out later then il tel work but need new tires and engine parts worth 460 so need to work and hope I don't have major issues at work. Need to pass 3 months probation and Yule is on its way!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now


×