georgiapiano

I'm going to tell my dad I think. Not directly as in "You have aspergers" but I'm going to first of all explain to him about my own journey first - which will then maybe make him recognise some of the traits in himself. He's a soft character so I do think he will be ok about it. As for you and your daughter - why not wait until the right time to actually show her the messages on here? She will see that these are your actual concerns and will help her to understand? Really, from a daughter's point of view, she would rather you were open and honest - and she will be understanding. And, for the record, whatever anyone else says, well who are they?! Reeeeaallllllyyyyy???? Are you really worried about what little stupid people say about something they know nothing about???? ASD gives you strength and independence. Use it. We are here on here to support you. Good luck xxx

As soon as she's old enough, explain to her that you have aspergers. My dad has aspergers - he's not been diagnosed but I was never close with him and he would always want his own space all the time - never really spending time with me. I never knew him and I still don't really... Until I realised about aspergers. When I discovered I have HF ASD it hit home with me that my dad has it too. I spent years feeling resentful about him, wondering what was wrong with me, why he didn't want to be close with me... Now i know he has aspergers as I recognise all the signs in him, I can forgive him. I'm waiting to find a right time to tell him as he has no idea. What i'm trying to say is, when your daughter is old enough to understand and cope with it, explaining to her your condition will really help her to understand. She will be there with you all the way I am sure xxx

Sod them, ajl. I always refused to take medication, as deep down I always knew I wasn't actually suffering with depression, which is what the doctors said. In fact, at one point I was on fluoxetine. It wasn't working. I still felt rubbish. I went back to the doctors. He upped my dose. A few days later I smashed up my house, kicking in the glass doors and everything. Lost it. So since then I have never touched another anti-depressant. Obviously that was NOT what I needed. Now I have a fear of taking any tablets for ANYTHING unless it's a matter of life or death because I'm scared of its side effects. I've known there was something 'different' about me all my life. I've known I have ASD only for a few months. Self diagnosed. It does make you a stronger person and you form the best relationships ever by being this way. That's my experience anyway. All or nothing

I couldn't agree more! I've given up on doctors and mental health services. You are what you are and you gain strength from that. xxx​

Oh my! You really are going through it. I really feel for you. I'd give you a massive big supportive hug if I could. If it's any consolation, my parents are too. I never see them really. My mum booked a holiday on my due date to give birth to my daughter last year. I never hear from my dad. I don't bother with either of them any more. Whatever happens, remember the other things we have talked about...it is what it is, you ARE who you are, and stuff the rest. But of course, I hope you get the outcome you hope for. Take care, and whatever happens we are all here for you on here xxx

It sounds like you are doing your absolute best and that you care so much about her. You seem so conscientious, so already you are doing the right thing. How about taking her to nature places such as the zoo and sea life centres? All kids love that sort of thing. Near where I live there is a 'living rainforest' where you can see all kinds of creatures and animals that live in the rainforest. My daughter loved it there. I am sure there must be other similar places to go near where you live. Other than that, how about nature walks, visits to the seaside, a trip on a boat or train to another place. Trips to the library? Our local library does a story time once a week where they listen to a story and do craft activities for free. Many other libraries will probably do other similar things. Or how about setting up a project with her, like getting a fish tank, researching it, setting it up, choosing the fish and looking after them, or a vegetable patch in the garden....the world is your oyster. Hope this helps. I find it difficult with my daugher too. She's 4 but unlike your daughter is very shy and a real 'thinker'. She is very anxious about a lot of things and kicks off about simple things - I think she is very much like me and probably is HF ASD like me. This makes it easier in some ways because she likes her own space and I understand and relate to everything she does. It must be real tough for you that your daughter is NT. NT or ASD or whatever - nothing will ever change the love you have with your children. Let us know how you get on.

You know what? I'm happy to be self-diagnosed. I've lost faith in the mental health services and I believe that more research into the whole ASD and autism spectrum needs to be done. Not enough is understood and there are too many people out here suffering without knowing what the hell is wrong with them. I just think now, I know myself better than anyone, better than any medical/mental health professional. No-one will ever know me like me, so what is the point? As difficult as it is, functioning daily in a very busy life and having a professional career, the rewards I get from this are intensely satisfying. I feel such a strong person. And so yes, you should know yourself - and only for yourself. I couldn't agree more. If no-one else will take the effort to really understand, or even believe you, then stuff them. You don't wallow, you get on with it. And you know what? I feel blessed to be unique, mysterious, quirky, talented, a dark horse. I wouldn't have me any other way. And another thing - you only have very few people close to your heart, but those people are REALLY close to your heart and it's hard to believe anyone could have anything closer. Xxx

Mihaela, what I meant about pm me (I don't think I made myself clear reading back my message), if there are things in your past, as you were growing up - any significant things you want to share with me that relate to HF ASD, a pm would be amazing. I've got loads of stuff to share. Like I said, I could write a book - and I intend to. And it would be lovely for you to be a part of it if you would like to xxx

Lol Mihaela, I've no idea why I called it a 'song' - it's not a song at all is it. Just habit I didn't even realise I'd written it (the word 'song' not prelude in Dflat)! Wow, it sounds like we share the same mindset. I love melancholy stuff. I do, like yourself crave to listen to music or indulge in anything that moves me. What's your favourite music? I have a really wide interest - from metal/thrash metal, classic rock, soul, dance.... I tend to take preference in particular artists and bands rather than a set genre. I haven't forgetten lovely, to reply to your personal message. I've been so busy and I intend absolutely to reply. In the meantime, if there are any other experiences or things you want to share with me about how our higher functioning brains work, please stick them in a pm. xxx

How many times do I say that to people? "I haven't got time to relax/rest/for me..." It's like you HAVE to do what you've pre-planned otherwise something awful is going to happen. My mum took me for a spa day not long ago thinking I'd appreciate the time to 'relax'. I found it more stressful, thinking about all the productive things I could be doing. Sitting still makes me feel anxious and twitchy. She mistakes me for being unappreciative (she has no idea I have ASD) but has no idea ofthe anxiety this causes me. Not many people know me really at all. Only my partner. I guess this is typical of lots of us on here? So yeah, I 100% get you when you say "I haven't got time to indulge in any rest!" And you have my full empathy. We are very good at putting pressure on ourselves - not because we want to, but because we need to in order to function. To anyone else that would sound well weird. I love this forum because it makes you feel so not weird. :-) x

I only ever get the words out properly when writing. I'm good at writing - at talking. x

I'm blessed really. There is a strong musical gene in my family which I am fortunate enough to have inherited. I write my own music. It's a great sense of release from a stressful world. I wish I had more time to do it. And Chopin is my favourite classical composer. The raindrop song (prelude in Dflat) is my favourite. I remember performing it at secondary school in our school theatre. It was one of my most moving experiences I've had. It's still my favourite piece today.

I 100% agree. Being a part of the aspie crew, we are tough - we have to cope every day with the added pressures of all the that interferes with our thoughts, emotions and physical functions. And yet we do - we keep on! Unless you give up, you are a stronger person than ever. It's all about choice. The results are not instant - especially for us aspies. But choose "life" and ye shall live it. God bless you and strength be with you xxx

Thanks for your reply Mihaela. So much of what you've written relates. It's interesting what you say about the sunlight. Both myself and my mum - and my 4 year old daughter are all very sensitive to light - I can't go anywhere without my sunglasses. It's interesting what you say about your grandparents. Strangely, my dad is the one who I would say is most definitely ASD, yet on his side of the family, although many of them haven't maintained relationships, they are pretty stable in themselves. They seem to cope by putting themselves in their own bubble. My cousin on my dad's side is bi-polar and demontrates a lot of similar things to me. My dad's dad was an amazing pianist and composer. I've got some of the music he's written. Yet my mum displays herself more as higher functioning ASD. She acts out lilke she copes with life and has lots of friends, but I can see she struggles but doesn't admit it. She can be very unpredicatable and volatile at times. She went into care at a young age because her mother commited suicide and her dad was an alcoholic and died from drinking. Although her mum and dad apparently loved each other dearly it appears they both had a lot of problems. I would feel ok to tell my dad I guess because I would trust that he would listen to me and even if he didn't agree, he would have the intelligence to ask me more about it and sort of try to show a curiosity. He wouldn't judge me I guess is what I'm trying to say. If he thought I was "talking nonsense" he wouldn't say so - he would go away and think about it. So maybe I should start by talking to him. Maybe it might draw us closer, as we've been apart emotionally forever. Maybe this realisation would change things for the better - before it's too late. I'd love nothing more than that. I wouldn't feel ok telling my mum right now. We've had so many falling outs and so many misunerstandings. She is a very volatile character and even when I've tried to talk to her about troubles or worries she's brushed me aside and almost been cross with me. When I was pregnant with my 2nd daughter I had to go to hospital at 27 weeks because I had severe pains in my stomach and had to get checked. I went to her first, and was in tears. She had a go at me, started banging things around and saying that she hopes I don't get pregnant again because all I do is cry all the time. when all I wanted was my mum. That's just one example of how my mum can be - there are several others. If I told her I had ASD, she wouldn't believe me to start with, would brush it off and wouldn't support me. She would just think I'm being dramatic - as usual. If I told her I thought SHE had HF ASD, well she'd probably bite my head off. I don't actually know what she'd do. Even if she believed it deep down, she would never admit it or face up to it. Thanks for your response Mihaela - it's made me write this, which has helped me map out my thoughts in some kind of cohesive manner and now I kind of know where to go from here. Thank you xxx

Thank you for your comments Mihaela. Sounds like you're dealing with it really well. As for the piano thing - it doesn't matter if you can't play well. Do what you love - enjoy it for you, and for no-one else. xxx