jomarie Report post Posted September 9, 2005 I'm sorry about the long post but I really need to vent, I'm on the verge of tears right now because I really don't know what to do for the best... I've always had issues with M's dad, we split up when M was a baby & we've never had a brilliant relationship since, I've always tried my best as far as access goes, he's always stays at his dads one night on a weekend, & has extra time with him during the school holidays. On the other hand maintenence has always been a bone of contention, which I finally had enough of last year & got the csa involved, I ended up calling them off though when his dad agreed to pay half of his school lunch money... I didn't want his money, just a small token that he was contributing. But thats tailed off & there has been no mention of it for months.. But the worst thing is that he has a different approach to parenting than me & refuses to listen when I tell him the rules that M has at home. He thinks that all of the problems I have with M are becasue I'm not firm enough with him, whereas M says that the reason he doesn't have meltdowns etc in front of his dad is because he's terrified that his dad will smack him, same goes for bedtimes, I found out that even though we have no end of bedtime issues at home, at his dads he goes to bed early with the light off (even though he's terrified of being alone in the dark at home & often doesn't go to bed til after 11pm) for the same reasons. He also thinks M's problems will go away if he's forced to be independant, & allows him to do things that personally I wouldn't allow a nt child of that age to do, let alone an as one. He knows that M isn't allowed to play on his bike here without his helmet on, but he just tells him that its not important & that he doesn't wear one, then takes him riding on the cycle lanes on the road!!! There's a dene near his dads & he makes M go in the stream by himself to get things if they go in (once it was their neighbours dogs ball!!!) even though there are several alleged adults there too, last time it happened he fell in completely & his dad stripped him off in the middle of the mens public toilets & he had to go home just wearing someones jumper & a towel round his waist Today has been the last straw, he often tells M that he doesn't like me & such like & he told him last w/e that when he came to the school to collect M today he didn't want to see me there! My dad came with me for moral support (he has a tendency to try & intimidate me if I'm on my own), & while we were saying goodbye to M, he just strode off ahead & left him, M had to run for 2 minutes to catch him up My dad was furious, he doesn't realise that I have to put up with that kind of thing most of the time I'm just rang M's comm. paed to get an appt to talk to her about it, M wants to see his dad but it can't go on like this! I'm trying to follow Brenda Boyds book of tips & most of it is working really well but one of the important ones is about having a united front.... as you can see we've got nowhere near that... I'm so tired of being treat like that the bad person Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
mrs q Report post Posted September 9, 2005 You are not a bad person. You are doing everything you can to help M. You not being support by his dad on the decision that will help him. It sounds like he thinks everything he does will make his boy normal....I am presuming you are on here because M has Autism or Aspergers. I wish you the best Sorry can not be more helpful..... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
elaine1 Report post Posted September 9, 2005 i feel for you and yr son. no child should be treated in that way. you have a perfect right to tell this man that he must treat yr child with respect and follow guidelines given by you. you are his main carer and as such have a right to expect this. hope all goes well <'> Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Mother in Need Report post Posted September 9, 2005 (edited) Jomarie, change a few details on your story and your situation is very much the same as mine! My ex is abroad at the moment visiting his parents, and I am sooooo hoping he'll decide to stay there...good riddance.... I really know how you feel! My AS son is so frightened of his dad that he won't be left alone with him at all. If your ex is anything like my ex, he won't even know what autism means, nor that his son has it.... I have been wondering what I would do if it came to where you are now, and I have come to the conclusion that I would take him to court to take away his parental responsibilites as he is not fit to be their father (I have three boys in total). For now though he only wants to see his kids when he feels lonely (this is my impression anyway)(every few months for a few hours only) and has never had them over to stay. Edited September 9, 2005 by Mother in Need Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Jadensmum Report post Posted September 10, 2005 Hi Jomarie, Just wanted to let you know (as you can see from the replies!) that you are definitely not alone. I split up with J's dad when he was a baby. He was diagnosed with Epilepsy at 1 and ASD and develpmental delay at 2. Mine and his dad's relationship has always been very strained. He didn't seem to be able to accept that Jaden has ASD and he took it very personally that jaden would not interract with him or show any signs that he recognised him. he didn't seem bothered if he was there or not! J's dad also did things that used to infuriate me, that you might do with an NT child, like leave him on the settee (he has no sense of danger or direction!) Make him walk and expect him to follow (J just goes where he likes!) try and make him ask for his dinner until J was so upset and frustrated that all he did was cry and then refused to eat his dinner! I'm sure I could think of other instances but these are just a couple of examples! I have tried to explain everything to him ,give him info etc and explain that that's just the way Jaden is. Of course it hurts me that J may never speak, I might never hear the word Mummy and it especially hurts when he goes up to random people to pick him up as if he doesn't realise I'm there! But I have to get on with it and I think that's where we differ. He is in complete denial. Anyway, sorry to ramble but J's dad hasn't seen him for over 2 months now or contacted me to see how he is. I always felt that J was a disappointment to him as he wasn't "normal" and it seems it's very easy for him to stay away but then J doesn't realise he's not there so it doesn't upset him! Haven't any advice for you after all that! As our situation has completely deteriorated but as much as I hate saying this out loud our lives are a lot easier and happier without him. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
