Brother of Aspie

[Destrum]

My Brother Martin is an Aspie only recently dx but i havn't got a clue in most cases as to how his mind works if anyone can give me a hand i'd luv to hear from you.

 

For Example: What do I do when he is being a pain in the neck my mum won't punish him in any way (when she has threatened grounding but dosen't) can sumone please explain how this is helping him.

 

It may just be I haven't got into the mind of an aspie yet but it just seems ridiculous to me.

 

It just seems unfair sumtimes.

[Zemanski]

I think it must be pretty tough being the sibling of an AS person and very frustrating sometimes - it's pretty tough being a parent too.

 

There's not a lot of help out there for parents, we mostly learn by trial and error how to work with an AS kid and sometimes we make more mistakes than we realise.

 

You're right, he probably won't be learning much from it but you say he has only just been diagnosed so your mum probably still needs time to adjust and find strategies that will help you all cope

 

A good book to read about AS, written by an AS teenager, is Freaks, Geeks and Aspergers Syndrome by Luke Jackson

Luke is pretty good at explaining how he, and other people with AS see the world.

 

Have you tried talking to her about yor feelings?

Perhaps, if you're gentle with her you could ask some questions and make some suggestions that might help her feel supported and at the same time help you be more aware of the problems she and your brother are facing.

 

take care

 

Zemanski

[BuntyB]

I would agree with what's been said.

Your brother may take things literally and also may react badly if things aren't the way he expects.

 

It's hard to know what he is actually doing when you say he is being a 'pain in the neck' and sometimes Aspies are, if they go on about their special interests when you don't share them. He may not understand this and your mother might feel she cannot punish him for something that he can't help, plus your mum might think you are being jealous or being hard on her if you tell her it isn't fair.

 

However, I would let your mum know that you want to help him. Read up about his difficulties and talk to your mum about how you can both be consistant in how you deal with his behaviour as this will help him. It does help your brother to try to explain to him why his behaviour annoys you, because it will annoy other people in the outside world too, and if you and your mum love him, you will want him to understand that if he can.

 

I am sure if you are grown up in the way that you handle this, your mum will appreciate your support too.

 

Don't forget we are here to sound off at, because it isn't easy for any of you!

[mandyque]

I just want to say how lovely it is that you want to understand and help your brother Well done for being a caring brother, I know it's hard work, my son finds things difficult with his autistic sister too sometimes but in the end he is the same person he was before he was diagnosed but everyone in your family, including you, has to get used to the fact that he has Aspergers.

 

As a mum, I can't punish my autistic child for things she has done wrong if she doesn't understand that they are wrong. It is very difficult to understand rules when you have autism and aspergers and you and your mum will have to keep it as simple as possible at first until he learns. That sometimes means not punishing him for something which isn't as important as it would be if you did it. For instance, you would be expected to be polite and not say rude things but your brother will find it hard to understand why he can't say what he thinks or sees and will just say them anyway, like 'that lady is fat' or something. He won't understand that yes the lady may be fat but you don't say that because you will hurt her feelings. Hope this makes sense

[Destrum]

Thank you i'd lik to be able to understand martin more and this might help.

 

I will certainly look into getting a copy of the book because anything that can help me understand Martin will be a Godsend (plus i luv reading)

 

to quote Bowling for Soup sometimes "all we need is sum ice cream and a hug" i know this is probably just me but i think i need that ice cream rite now.

[Alphazebra]

when he is being a pain in the neck

What do you mean by this? If you give a specific example we might be able to explain it in terms of how an Aspie (e.g. me) might be seeing it which might then give you a better idea.

[mel]

awww destrum, i have no ice cream but heres a <'>

your brother is so lucky to have someone like you to care about him.

[Destrum]

When i say pain in the neck and i apologise for the use of this phrase i can't believe i wrote that. I meant that as usual he had been on the computer (seems to be common in aspies (mum says its got to do with the way their brain works)) and as usual he wasn't coming off when he was told to. Mum said she was going to ground and didn't and well i explained the rest earlier.

[Mother in Need]

Destrum, Good for you trying to understand your brother!

 

My AS son is 12, and he has a brother of 8 and one of 15. Strange as this may sound, but his 8 year old brother understands him a lot more than his 15 year old brother, who, like you, thinks that most of the time he is a pain in the neck and should be punished. BUT here is the difference, you are willing to try and understand your brother and my 15 year old isn't.

 

WE too have had a lot of problems with the computer, as all three boys have to share it. Our solution in the end was the use of a kitchen timer. They get half an hour each, and whoever's turn it is, puts on the timer and gives it to me. Then when the time is up, I tell them to get off (this way they cannot ignore the timer, nor say that they had to add an extra minute because they had to go to the loo or whatever).

As my AS son is so attached to rules, he is happy to do this and it gives everyone some peace. And if he doesn't come off when told, then he (like his brothers) loses his next day's go. Fair on all, BUT in a way that he can understand.

 

Maybe doing something like this will help you with this particular problem?

[Destrum]

Thanks for this our problem is martin does not like rules and therefore he refuses to come off in a system like this. We find sumtimes that if we rite it down then he will read it and ###### off at that time, but recently he has started tearing up these notes for which he is punished, by banning from the computer, and sumtimes he will go back to the notes again.

 

Destrum

[Mother in Need]

Does he like rewards of some kind, either in the form of a candy or a star or tokens to collect and then exchange for something he likes? Maybe you could give him a reward every time he comes off when told, as then coming off becomes a positive experience and he is exchanging one nice thing (the computer) for another (the reward)?

[Destrum]

The reward system keeps changing.

 

We hav a swear jar started up because of Martins swearing (Mum has put most money in so far ) and at one point Martins reward was to hav sum money out of the swear jar but i'm not sure wat the reward is at the minute i'll hav to check up.

[Tally]

The problem might be a lack of consistency. He doesn't know where he stands from one minute to the next.

[Destrum]

The reward system we have in place at the minute is constant and will not change in the near future.

 

Hopefully

 

Things are looking up though