Inappropriate touching

[LizK]

Not sure how to deal with this one with DS (4yrs).

 

I breastfed DS until he was 2.5yrs old. After I stopped he'd occasionally pull at my top around my breasts if he was upset and needing a bit of comfort which I think is fairly normal for brfed toddlers. If he gets very anxious now he'll still tug at me there now. However over recent months (as he has generally got more excitable) he has starting touching women on their breasts momentarily usually when he is overexcited . I took him to get his hair cut yesterday which usually overexcites him and as well as repeatedly trying to grab the scissors/hair gel/clippers etc (yep it was stressful!) he suddenly launched himself at the hairdresser (young girl of 20) and groped her chest who looks completely taken aback. I was so embarrassed. He's tried to do the same to the preschool teacher who does hone visits too usually when he's wound himself up into a hyperactive frenzy. Breasts aside he likes to fiddle with people's ear lobes and fingers which can be painful especailly if inflicted on his younger brother.

 

I was chatting to his keyworker at nursery and she said that he sometimes pokes her chest. She tends to ignore him. She also said that he come sup behind them and pulls at and straightens their shirts which long in style unfortunately sit around their backsides so in effect he's groping their bottoms

 

I know DS doesn't have any malicious or sexual intent with this. He does have issues with poor attention and impulsivity plus he fails to read social cues, can be socially over familiar and in your face at times and he just doesn't realise the implications of it. I also think there is sometimes a sensory element too as he likes the squishy feel of breasts and ear lobes. He's a dreadful fiddler anyway and sometimes seems to be compelled to twist and fiddle with things and think that's where some of the ear adn finger twiddling comes from.

 

Problem is I'm not sure how best to deal with it and get him to understand it's socially inappropriate before it becomes a bigger problem. Obviously he can't continue to grab women's breasts and it will become less acceptable as he gets older. I don't think ignoring it working as by doing nothing I think we may be giving him the message it's fine to do. He has a speech delay with about a 12mth delay in receptive speech so his understanding is more immature. Trying to explain to him at the time when he's hyperexcitable makes it difficult to get through to him as his brains on another planet though that's the only way I can think of dealing with this. He's not got the understanding yet to be able to discuss it with him after the event. If he pulls at our ears we try to distract him or explain that it hurts if he continues

 

So any advice on 1) how to deal with the impulsive breast and bottom grabbing and 2) the body part twiddling would be very gratefully received

 

Liz x

[oracle]

hi Liz,

 

No real advice I am afraid this is a difficult nut to crack. We had similar with Matthew in as much as he would launch himself at girls and try kissing them and I do mean kissing. He was a little older but not much about 5 and I started by asking the girls who he was attempting to kiss (members of our drama group) to tell him that they did not want him doing this. It was difficult as they all though he was cute. But as you have said it will not be so cute if they are doing this as teenagers. As he has got older I have continued to tell him that you only ever kiss a girl or touch her if she asks you to. I have also told him that boobs and other bits and pieces, as he calls, them belong to the person who has them and they are not to be touched unless that person wants them to be touched, and I made sure that I included him in that remit.

 

We also had a little girl locally who was more than willing to give other children a free viewing if you know what I mean, so I also told Matthew that you do not show yourself to other people. The end product of this is he took it all literally and now will not even let me see him naked. It has become a HUGE issue. So I know that there is no easy answer.

 

At four he is still very young and it could be very difficult to get the message across without it being misunderstood.

 

I hope you get some answers here as I am interested to know how others deal with this.

Carole

[Zemanski]

one of the ideas promoted to help children be aware of abusive approaches from adults is that nobody should touch their 'private places' and this is defined for very young children as the area covered by a girl's swimsuit.

 

perhaps you can help your son understand which places are ok to touch and which places people don't like to be touched in this sort of way - perhaps with pictures of women in bikinis could define the areas for him?

 

It is good to be aware of this as a future concern now as the sooner he can get out of these habits the easier it will be for him later.

 

my friend's son has the habit of sniffing tummy buttons. She assumed he would grow out of it but at 14 he is still doing it, though only occasionally.

 

unfortunately those occasions can be quite traumatic these days.

last summer S was visiting and we had a rather streetwise london kid staying with us. I had warned O that S was like Com (O has known Com from birth) but that he did different things and not to worry if he did something unusual but to tell me if he was being bothered (S is very persistent and physical).

 

They'd been upstairs playing on the game cube all of 10 minutes when O burst into the kitchen shaking and pale - 'that kid just molested me!' - I'd forgotten to warn him about the tummy button thing

 

As far as S was concerned he'd just been making friends!

 

take care

 

Zemanski

[kirstie]

Hi Liz,

I know how embarresing this can be only too well.

I used to be baffled by Lewis (pre diagnosis) and the things he did. It was every time my sister would come over he would insist on sitting right behind her and pulling up her top and staring mesmirised at her bare back, sometimes he would touch and sometimes he'd cuddle in. He HAD to do it it wasw like an obsession to him where he'd be transfixed and would scream uncontrollably if she moved or i moved him away. It was when a woman was sitting down somewhere when we were out and he tried to do it again that i really felt embarresed. At that point we had no diagnosis to attribute his behaviour to. oddly enough he never tried to do it to men or his brother ?! I wrote down all of these behaviours for his consultant it all helped toward his diagnosis (AS)

He's stopped doing it now but i really had no idea how to tackle it atall, he was only 2 or 3 at the time.

Have you tried social stories? They have been a godsend to us for various things. We are now trying to make Lewis aware of stranger danger via social stories as at 6 he has no sense of danger atall. Scary isn't it?

Good luck,

Take care,

Kirstie.

[rainbow queen]

im also having similar probs with my 4 year old[as he is not dx-just read on previous post-this should be included in dx-should i tell my sons dr/camhs when appointment comes through?]

he keeps pulling my sisters skirt up-and will not stop it when he gets going,in my case i think theres an element of sexuality as he smiles and laughs-not sure if this is poss at 4.but theres other things too that worry me

he keeps trying to kiss me and his younger brother on lips-i think its because i used to kiss his head or cheek but since he started school this has happened-and im thinking some girl may of said you kiss on the mouth-and hes got this in his head now and i have resorted to saying"you only kiss girls on lips" not boys and mummys-but i can see this will also confuse the matter.

is there any books i could get-on teaching these matters/and stranger danger-as he thinks everyones nice

i try to be very open with him about all these matters as i belive this is better than hiding it away-its the getting it across without confusing him i have the prob with???

to top matters he said he wants to be a lady when he grows up-and he is serious too should i tell his dr this???

[Zemanski]

RQ note all these quirks and unusual behaviours - not just the bad but the good as well, I put in things like Com's ability to concentrate for hours on one thing at home, particularly artwork at the time, but not being able to complete work in class and the fact that his language and diction were precise to the point of pedantry by the time he was 2.

 

to make it easier to read I divided mine into 3 sections:

 

developmental history - all the quirks and milestones

 

educational history - from playschool on, any problems concerns or interventions

 

medical history - short and concise

 

make it chronolgical, give dates and names where ever possible.

 

hope that helps

 

Zemanski