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I've been officially diagnosed with Aspergers for 5 years, although obviously I've been living with it my whole life (I was just 'weird' before diagnosis). My brother also has Aspergers although he was diagnosed at an early age. I think I was missed as I was generally performing well academically, whereas my brother had clear problems. Anyway, I will get to the point. Emotions. Now from what I've read, a lack of apparent empathy is normal, and so is the inability to outwardly express some emotions. But what if those emotions appear to be missing completely? The last time I remember feeling joy was age 11 on Christmas day. And I'm not even sure whether that's just an exaggerated memory. I do not get excited about anything. I do not feel 'fun'. I do not feel anything for the tragedies that others have. Off the top of my head, this is a quick list of events that I have shown - and felt - no emotion about. My wedding. The birth of my children. My wife having miscarriages. My grandparents dying. My baby son being in hospital for a week after being close to death from a bad infection. (I went to work as normal whilst my wife was at the hospital). Any great news another person has Any tragedy another person tells me about Leaving my wife Seeing my kids (I see them every 2 weeks. I don't look forward to it. I don't dread it either. Just indifferent. I don't miss them when I'm gone again) Borrowing £800 from a very generous friend, and then cutting him off - I haven't paid him a penny back since. And I feel no shame, or guilt. Now reading this back to myself - I sound like a cold one, possibly even depressed. But I don't feel depressed, there's just a void there. I am aware how I should be acting and I want people to think I'm good so I fake things the best I can. I try and do 'nice' things as much as I can so people think I'm a good person. It seems to be important to me that people think I'm a good person. And now I am simply asking myself - is this really aspergers, or has it evolved into something worse?. Have I developed something worse?. Because from what I can see on other forums, and blogs, those fellow aspies out there experience joy and excitement, and feelings. Its just the expressing of them they have trouble with. Other traits are similar, I lack empathy - if someone is crying I quickly aim to have them bury their head on my shoulder or chest whilst they cry - so they can't see my face devoid of emotion. I find social events bemusing. A group of colleagues could be laughing, shouting, joking, and I just sit there and think 'why are you behaving like this? it's not even funny.'. The background noise becomes unbearable eventually too - can't filter out other noises. Mating rituals bemuse me too. And dancing? what the hell is that! I spend most nights alone though choice. Its the only time I get some mental peace. Can't do smalltalk either - which is fine as from what I've managed to figure out, it consists of people stating the obvious. 'Its raining again I see'. 'Yes I know, I can see too'. What I do feel... self pity. I can do that just fine. If its aimed inwardly, I can feel the despair. I just can't find it for anybody else. I can chuckle at something I say. I don't laugh at anybody elses jokes. And I'm sure I never used to be this bad. Not when I was in my 20's. It seems to be a deterioration of emotional capability - and no I'm not a drug user. And I guess I'm having a bit of an identity crisis. Who am I?. What am I? I'm not even sure what kind of answer I expect or want.

I am considering going for an official diagnosis of aspergers. I have completed all the online screening tests and they all indicate that I could be on the spectrum except the eyes test. Everything I have read says people on the spectrum struggle with empathy and recognising facial exp<b></b>ressions. This has made me doubt my self diagnosis. Does it mean that I'm not on the spectrum??? I feel that I am very good at reading people because I've spent hours studying body language. I find it easy to look at the minute facial muscles that change with emotions - the wrinkling of eyes, raised/ lowered eyebrows. Is this not something people with AS can learn??? What about empathy? I have empathy in abundance too. My partner says I'm not empathetic but as I explained to him I can empathise if its a situation that I have experienced (I think I'm not very sympathetic!). The example I use is I always found it very difficult to be around people who had lost someone close as I had never experienced it so I didn't know how to act or what to say around people. I lost my father suddenly a few years ago, since I experienced the sadness of losing someone so close to me I feel that I am now able to comfort people who are grieving instead of running away. So what I'm trying to ask for is some advice. I thought I had found my identity but now I'm confused!!! I would really appreciate your opinions.