mattblack_uk

Well... almost 1 year on and I thought I'd update my old post. Started seeing someone shortly after posting my last response, and moved in with her 6 months later - and on top of that got a promotion at work. I've explained my situation to her and she's' understanding. Still having issues with the emotional dullness and zero empathy and I'm getting a little OCD about tidyness around the house which I know irritates her. Spend most of my spare time either researching on the internet, or reading, or hiking/mountain scrambling (on my own). She's going on holiday in a few weeks to Italy with her friend and I've opted to stay at home for a week of nice quietness. Starting to wonder whether I may have a touch of schizoid about me! Had a work colleague who I sat next to for the last 4 years, and chatted to a lot, every day. He died recently and I feel bad about feeling nothing when I heard. I should have been the most upset out of anyone here. I went to the funeral with a few other colleagues but to be honest I only went because I knew it would look bad if I didn't. I knew my face would just look blank throughout and didn't really want anyone to see that. So thats been bothering me since as I know its not right. Does anybody else feel really envious when they see others display the emotional intensity that you can't manage? Like joy and excessive laughter, anger and shouting, grief and crying? I get quite bitter sometimes knowing that I can't reach those emotional heights! Anyway.... apart from the still consistent emotional issues - lifes going quite well!.

I ended up married with kids - and I tried, I really did. But just couldn't cope in the end. Couldn't cope with the noise, or the disruptions, and I ended up withdrawing more and more from life until I realised I didn't have one anymore. Spent all night after coming home from work on the computer. I used to hate going home too. Used to look forward to going back to work. Just wasn't meant to be... I ended up getting divorced. Best thing for both of us. I'm now happier, and she is currently engaged to somebody else who can no doubt offer the support that I couldn't. I still see the kids every other weekend and we get on just fine. I think the tipping point for me though was getting the diagnosis of Aspergers... I didn't take to it very well. On a positive note - now that I understand things a lot clearer, things are going much better with my new girlfriend and her kids. Theres been the understanding there from the outset.

Sorry, I should have made myself clear - I have already been formally 'diagnosed' with aspergers. I'm just questioning it now and wondering whether a second opinion is in order. I have just had myself referred to the adults with aspergers team in Nottingham so I guess these are all questions I can ask soon enough. You found solitude destructive? I don't find that at all.... I find it energising.

Is it possible that I've been depressed for the whole of my adult life? I mean it's not like I actually feel down much.... I'm quite happy to be just sat in my own little world away from people. The more that's going on, and the more people that are around me, the more unhappy and stressed I get, and the more headaches I get. Solitude is what I dream of. There's barely enough room in my head for my own thoughts, nevermind having to think about other peoples too. I wonder sometimes whether I do have aspergers, or whether I'm just extremely introverted. Or maybe both?

See this is what I've heard so much... the idea that we feel all the emotion inside, but we just don't know how to express it. Well I believe that I'm genuinely not feeling it inside. I'm not saying that this applies to all emotions. I certainly have no emotion when it comes to other peoples tragedies. Thats not to say I'm heartless about it. I have an idea of the things I'm supposed to say and I try my best with it. I don't feel intense emotions like joy or excitement, or anger. I perhaps feel content, or I may be looking forward to something a bit, or I may feel a bit down, or slightly annoyed. Just mild variances off the norm. But with tragic things, all I feel is a bit blank and a little awkward as I'm struggling to think of a good response.

I tried but.... that went straight over my head. You're a what?

I know I'm not a sociopath! No doubts there. Although I do find myself relating to Dexter an awful lot (apart from the killing people obviously). His narrated thoughts are more often than not similar to my own. But then again - I don't actually think he's a true sociopath either. Anyway I digress.... Of course I know when I should feel things. People are demonstrating it all around me everyday. I would have to be blind not to notice. And yes I'm aware of it, and do see it as unusual, but... not so sure that concern is the word. More like curiosity. I am struggling with answers to your questions. I don't feel contempt for people who show emotions. I sometimes wish I could be a part of the joy, or feel happy for someone else. I often daydream about being a normal person full of emotions. But that's all it is. A daydream. I don't have beliefs I am like this for any reason. Certainly nothing out of the ordinary happened in childhood. All very very normal. Wasn't really exposed to anything bad at all. All I want is for somebody to identify - is this a broken me? that can be mended? Or is this real me, like it or lump it? If its the latter then I'm perfectly fine with that. If that's who I am then I will have to accept it, embrace it, and move on.

No it's not - Sent you a private message. I'm getting the impression I may not have got off to the best of starts. Apologies if so - this is not something I've freely admitted to anybody ever. And reading it back now... doesn't sound too great does it.

How about if it was a wife? or a partner? What would they think if I offered them nothing? And no, I'm on no medication - I get by in life just fine. I have a normal well paid job, hobbies (solo), and I can talk to people so long as it's actually about something. My problem is that I think too deeply, too intensly, and too analytically about things. All the time. And strangely enough, I do make a good boyfriend - possibly because I try so hard to do the right things. And though I have quite a solitary nature, I do like to have a partner. And I'm pretty sure I can love them intensely. Having a partner is one of the few things that makes me feel...... like a normal person? I'm starting to sound like an alien - I'm sure I'd come across better in real life, I have a rather morose way of writing. I guess I was just wondering if it was just me that had this void when it came to certain emotions.

I've been officially diagnosed with Aspergers for 5 years, although obviously I've been living with it my whole life (I was just 'weird' before diagnosis). My brother also has Aspergers although he was diagnosed at an early age. I think I was missed as I was generally performing well academically, whereas my brother had clear problems. Anyway, I will get to the point. Emotions. Now from what I've read, a lack of apparent empathy is normal, and so is the inability to outwardly express some emotions. But what if those emotions appear to be missing completely? The last time I remember feeling joy was age 11 on Christmas day. And I'm not even sure whether that's just an exaggerated memory. I do not get excited about anything. I do not feel 'fun'. I do not feel anything for the tragedies that others have. Off the top of my head, this is a quick list of events that I have shown - and felt - no emotion about. My wedding. The birth of my children. My wife having miscarriages. My grandparents dying. My baby son being in hospital for a week after being close to death from a bad infection. (I went to work as normal whilst my wife was at the hospital). Any great news another person has Any tragedy another person tells me about Leaving my wife Seeing my kids (I see them every 2 weeks. I don't look forward to it. I don't dread it either. Just indifferent. I don't miss them when I'm gone again) Borrowing £800 from a very generous friend, and then cutting him off - I haven't paid him a penny back since. And I feel no shame, or guilt. Now reading this back to myself - I sound like a cold one, possibly even depressed. But I don't feel depressed, there's just a void there. I am aware how I should be acting and I want people to think I'm good so I fake things the best I can. I try and do 'nice' things as much as I can so people think I'm a good person. It seems to be important to me that people think I'm a good person. And now I am simply asking myself - is this really aspergers, or has it evolved into something worse?. Have I developed something worse?. Because from what I can see on other forums, and blogs, those fellow aspies out there experience joy and excitement, and feelings. Its just the expressing of them they have trouble with. Other traits are similar, I lack empathy - if someone is crying I quickly aim to have them bury their head on my shoulder or chest whilst they cry - so they can't see my face devoid of emotion. I find social events bemusing. A group of colleagues could be laughing, shouting, joking, and I just sit there and think 'why are you behaving like this? it's not even funny.'. The background noise becomes unbearable eventually too - can't filter out other noises. Mating rituals bemuse me too. And dancing? what the hell is that! I spend most nights alone though choice. Its the only time I get some mental peace. Can't do smalltalk either - which is fine as from what I've managed to figure out, it consists of people stating the obvious. 'Its raining again I see'. 'Yes I know, I can see too'. What I do feel... self pity. I can do that just fine. If its aimed inwardly, I can feel the despair. I just can't find it for anybody else. I can chuckle at something I say. I don't laugh at anybody elses jokes. And I'm sure I never used to be this bad. Not when I was in my 20's. It seems to be a deterioration of emotional capability - and no I'm not a drug user. And I guess I'm having a bit of an identity crisis. Who am I?. What am I? I'm not even sure what kind of answer I expect or want.

Am going to post something more detailed later tonight, but just thought I'd do the polite thing and say hello here first. Been diagnosed with Aspergers for 5 years, I was diagnosed at the age of 31. I wouldn't go so much as I've been struggling with it, I'm quite indifferent to it on the whole. But I do feel that either... its evolved? or... I am developing other problems as a direct result of living with Aspergers. But... more on this later.