Kinda

Hi Not sure I can help but my son is 24 years old and AS (undiagnosed) and spends all his time in his bedroom on the computer. Has had a number of girlfriends but they end and the last one explained she did not want to look after him as he seemed incapable of it himself. He's prone to obsession and depression and has now been off work for 4 months with depression. Tells his mum he want to change and needs to change but is still with his head in the computer. I have told him I think most of what he wants he can obtain but needs to change his attitude if he wants relationships so he says OK and off he goes doing the same thing, head in computer, phone turned off and no awareness of looking after himself or what is going on around him. All his efforts all day are spent developing a web site which so far he's been doing for 4 months and its no where being ready. When I discuss with him that he needs some balance in his life he walks away and puts his head in the computer again. I now think he is manipulative and my wife and I suffering a tired relationship as we seem to be very opposed to each others view on how to sort it. I now find I am getting to the end of my emotional involvement as I can't take on board all of his problems and try and sort them out for him when he doesn't seem to want to sort it out himself other than when it all goes wrong.

Hi I'm trying to help my son who has AS (undiagnosed but diagnosed as dysphasic) who is 25 and is currently off work due to depression. He has trouble with relationships and it was only last night when I discussed it with my wife we realised he hasn't made any new friends since he left school. He is very intelligent and sensitive and likes to play hockey but because he is quiet he now seems to be the butt of all their jokes and their behaviour touches on bullying. My question is that we want to help him but don't know what help there is out there and how have others managed and can improvements be made. I find it very difficult to try and do nothing to help so I'm starting my journey to find out what help is out there. Any ideas please I feel desperate at the moment. Kinda

Hi Mumble Sorry at work and only just read your posting. When my son had problems at University we introduced a complaint/problem process which elevated the problem up the mangement scale if it couldn't be solved at the lower level parties. He was also provided with a mentor to help interpret his problems and act as a mediator with the university. The last resort was me meeting with the head of department and I would always argue the universities failure to provide his special needs provisions as potentially causing his failure of the course. This worked and a compromise was usually reached but it was emotionally draining sometimes and individual staff seemed to have separate agendas and didn't seem to care whether he failed or not. I have completed Masters course and so not at your level but for me part of the requirement is that its made difficult to test your resolve as well as the academic challenge so don't give in fight them all the way and explain that because of your AS everything is more demanding and takes longer. Go Mumble go, don't let them win and prove to everyone that you have the talen that is obvious to all of us here on the forum and anyone else that knows you well. Kinda

Hi Suz Sorry you are feeling the way you do and approaching it from a different angle can you think to what does make you feel happy and try and work on it from that aspect. I think also if you are depressed it does tend to cloud your views on the world. It seems to me there is confusion between what you think is OK and what others expect from you and its getting that balance which is difficult. You can decide to ignore what others expect but that tends to allienate you from them so there has to be an element of doing what is expected almost a compromise. Perhaps the important thing is to think what you want out of life and work on that while fitting in a bit of what is expected of you but while you are feeling depressed there is a tendancy to withdraw into your own world. Not sure if the pressure you feel is being exterted by others who want you to do different things is adding to your depression and if it is then this is unhelpful. Find what you want out of life and work towards that goal, take on board what others say but don't do anything that doesn't suit you just to appease them. I think its about trying to get a balance so you can maintain relationships. Kinda

I agree with the advice not to go independant and new job at the same time, my son tried it and found it too much. I think the difficulty for AS people if they have a job is the difficult area of relationships again. I think its Tally (?) who would be able to help here or search her name and you will see posts regarding work relationships which maybe able to "prime" your daughter for help. Good luck and don't give up enen though it can be difficult. We are presently trying to help our son in this difficult area and its not easy and there are unfortunately no quick solutions. Kinda

Hi NobbyNobbs You don't mind if I ask what drug your therapist is recommending. My son is on citalopram but it doesn't seem to be working for him. Kinda

Hi My son has this trait and to date its been hockey, maths, guitar and his job. He generally doesn't run them all at once but will pick them up and become obsessional for a period of time and then drop them.

Hi Smiley 1590 Thanks for your support we do try and be there for him and we are mindful that he needs his independance and to make his own decisions. We are watching from the sidelines at present wondering how to help him on the next phase of his life. I do think he has an underlying respect for our decision making as he tends to discuss with us his major decisions and while he may not take them on board right away he does reflect on them later. Hi Teresa Thanks for the hope, when I wrote my first reply my "penny dropped" moment was that my son does not follow up relationships. Its almost a linear process, they contact him he then contacts them and waits for the next response, no reposnse and my son would never think of getting in touch. So my wife and I are going to try and see how he goes with a prompt or two from us. Kinda.....thanks

Hi baddad Thanks for the support I understand where you are coming from but he has expressed a wish to have more friends but I don't think he realise how to go about maintaining (working at friendships). My wife and I try not to interfer and we are quite happy for him to be on his own its just that he tells us his life is ###### because of lack of friends. So how do we tell him that he needs to maintain relationships even though you are not always seeing them face to face etc. I think I now have a view ideas that have come to me while writing. Thanks again for spending your time replying to me. Kinda

Hi All My son is 25 yrs old and has a good job after finishing university and while not diagnosed with AS (dysphasia) has AS traits especially with friendships, relationships and communication and prone to depression. I think every so often he reflects on his life and then decides he would like to have more friends and get about more but doesn't seem to know how to go about it. If someone rings up he will go out but usually he's back in an hour or two and then the relationship goes back to being very sporadic. He does lots of sport where he meets people but that doesn't seem to come to any lasting friendships. Help and advice please, I have never mentioned my thoughts regarding AS as I'm not sure how he would cope with it. Thanks

Hi GBH I have a 25 year old AS son and my wife also calls me "strange" at times which leads me to at least ponder if I'm on the AS route as well. That is just a bit of background for you since you asked if others were having the same trouble and how did they deal with it. There has been some excellent advice given and not detracting from their postings it would appear from your initial message that the problems with your marriage had been ongoing prior to diagnosis and so for me this is the area to concentrate on with frank communication with your wife. I think the AS diagnosis is the secondary issue and obviously hasn't helped your case. I guess you have to ask your wife what she wants from you and were she feels you are not meeting her requirements and then see if you can understand her issues and recognise them and if that is the case can you then change, that is if you want to that is. As has already been said its all about communication and respecting each others feelings. Kinda ....hopefull for you.

Hi Oxgirl and Bid The reason for posting was I wasn't sure whether I was overreacting, its new territory for me and I wouldn't normally be comfortable commenting upon one of my son's partners but I guess it was due to how much she ruined the holiday with her behaviour and the way she treated him and us. I think in future I won't be so generous in inviting any of his girlfriends along until the relationship is a long term and steady. I didn't want my wife to change her behaviour towards the girlfriend but I just couldn't understand why she was so upset having told me she agreed with my views, that's what is confusing me. I have confidence in my son and realise he would get there in the end and not put up with his girlfriends poor treatment of him (and us) and this has already happened as he ditched her at the weekend siting her unreasonable behaviour. Thanks for the advice.

Hi Pearl Thanks for that I was begining to think there was something wrong with me for thinking the way I do, it seems the wife is more loyal to his girlfriend than me!!! I'm still gobsmacked by how upset she was especially as she agreed with my views on the ex girlfriend!! I have just found it very emotionally draining and at the end of it all, I was alienated by them and this treatment remains. I know my son might get back with the ex girlfriend but at least he is seeing her for what she is which means hopefully any reconciliation will be short lived. He also told my wife he found that since he ended it there is a weight off him and I only found this out from her phone call to her mum. I think my wife just wants a daughter in law and it seems at any cost. I just wonder where her loyalty to me is (or am I reading this all wrong?).

Hi All Latest update is that the son's girlfriend had another wobbly (mood swing) and he said that she was dragging him down and so he finished it. I only found this out when I overheard my wife talking to her mother and she was in tears upset that she wouldn't see the girlfriend again and felt sorry for her because she was on her own. I feel totally confused by the whole affair and alienated, in that they didn't let me know what was going on and my wife having said she agreed with my views and escalating my remark at the meal into a big issue and now being upset by the ending! I don't think the whole relationship is over yet as she will persuade him to give it another shot I think. I just don't understand it, the girl wasn't good for my son and she was manipulative which my wife recognised. all of this just makes me feel alienated.

Hi Tally go for it and be confident if you can. Kinda