Emum

This has now gone way off topic, and has turned into a personal battle between factions, which is ironic really, given that the whole point of the thread was to see whether a way could be found to cut down on that. I'd quite like the thread to be closed now to be honest, as I think its highly unlikely anything constructive could come out of it now.

Just to clarify Mumble, I did not mean that you shouldn't use the forum to ask for advice or questions that you would find hard to ask face to face. What I did mean was not to make comments about other people, or criticisms of them, which you would not make to that person if they were standing in front of you. Again using a completely hypothetical example (and I hope no one has actually done this) if you wouldn't say to a person face to face "You are a disgusting fat pig with bad breath", then its no less hurtful to post that online. Obviously if you would say that to someone face to face, then maybe a post asking whether that would be acceptable in the NT world might be called for!

I'm not sure though Cat that all the difficulties are caused by the adults with autism posting! I'm sure that wasn't what you were intending to suggest, and am also pretty sure that some of the stuff I've read which has struck me as off key has been from adults who haven't disclosed at least that they have an autism diagnosis. Your point though is along the same theme as my original thoughts though - which is that part of the problem is caused by the way the forum has evolved and how it is now structured. Whether we are talking about the number of boards, or the rules about what mods should and shouldn't do, its all about creating a framework where everyone knows clearly what the boundaries are, and maybe on a board like this one, extra care needs to be taken to make them crystal clear. IMHO there is a world of difference between for example (and I'm using generic examples which I've seen come up again and again rather than refer to any one situation whether old or new) a heated debate on whether MMR is implicated in the onset of autism (which I think is the kind of thing the board was originally intended for), and a thread about some random trivia or passing observation descending into argy bargy about a person's fitness as a parent, good manners, etc (often when it seems there is a whole different agenda to the exchanges happening behind the scenes). I haven't noticed this happening due to any action on the part of the mods, but it does seem to me to happen most often on threads which aren't really adding much to the sum of human knowledge in the first place, which paradoxically are the ones which you might start to read as a spot of diversion from every day life only to wish you hadn't bothered in the first place!

The smart-alecness quote was lifted from my post 4 in this thread, Baddad, and as I have absolutely no idea what thread you think Enid might be referring to, it wasn't intended by me, or very possibly by her, to refer to any one situation, but to a theme which recurs. I think what this thread has shown, if nothing else, is that whilst some members are happy with how things are, I am by no means alone in finding some aspects of the forum problematic. Whether that's something we can work towards fixing or not is another question entirely. It certainly can't be done though if a big picture disussion about the situation descends into an examination of individual issues which have arisen.

I didn't want to just read and run, without making it obvious that I am reading what people say and thinking about it. I agree that the subdivisions do make it easier to find posts which will be of interest. I suppose I still feel though that by opening up the range of issues which people now post on, something was lost from the original aim. I don't have a problem with people disagreeing or expressing contrary opinions. I do have a problem with sly digs and jibes, coded messages about posters, and in fact anything which is posted on here which the person would think twice about saying in a face to face setting. Perhaps it isn't as well understood by some posters as it might be that it is as hurtful and unacceptable to be unpleasant to someone on an internet forum or by PM as it is to say something rude or hurtful to someone in real life. The thing about the internet though is that posts are widely read and a nasty spat between 2 individuals will affect others too, whether because they join in and take sides, or because they just pick up on the whole unpleasant vibe. I do agree with Flora and Sooze that I think the majority on the forum do not behave in this way, and that it is a small few who fuel the flames. HOWEVER I don't think its helpful to speculate here or elsewhere as to who those small few are, and given that there are a small handful of mods, I felt the criticism of their behavior as members was uncalled for. It is possible to make a valid point about how the modding system might be altered (or the board restructured) without specifically singling people out for criticism, whether by name or implication. I didn't want this thread to descend into mudslinging (and it hasn't quite done so yet), though I am now starting to be concerned that it may do so, and that actually its not even possible to talk about the problem without inciting the very thing I was expressing concens about. If the mods did want to close it at this point, before we go there, I'd be OK with that.

The thing is Mumble, I don't often read the forum any more because it is regularly so nasty. Therefore I have no idea what has happened to you (or others) behind the scenes, and that's not what I'm referring to. What I am referring to is the overt nastiness throughout the forum. Not on every thread by all means, and I try to avoid the ones which it should be obvious by their titles are vicious, but the insidious backbiting pervades the whole forum. That's what puts me and many others off. I'm not holding any grudges, just commenting on a situation which seems to me to have been ongoing for some time. Moreover, this thread isn't about rehashing why any particular bit of nastiness has or hasn't started. I haven't been involved in any of it, and don't want to be. The thread is simply posing the question whether re-structuring the forum would improve the situation. You may be happy with the status quo. It's still valid to ask whether everyone else is though, and if people are leaving in droves because of it, to pose the question should we "move with the times" and be a more aggressive kind of place to appease the new blood, or make attempts to get back to what we once were, to stop oldies from moving on and attract in others who are in need. After all, it isn't to say there isn't a place somewhere on the internet for a more volatile cut and thrust debate. Just to ask whether that's what Kris and Elefan wanted when they started this one, and whether its what they still want, given what a thankless task modding seems to be at the moment, and assuming the situation is still (as it once was) that the forum was privately funded by its originators.

And again to clarify, I wasn't for a moment suggesting that adults with ASD weren't welcome and that the forum should be for parents only. However I was suggesting a move back to support, and a move away from the aggression and backbiting, which imho is inappropriate in a forum where people are coming for help with situations which are causing them considerable amounts of stress. If you put people off by the nastiness which is endemic, those same people will not come back to hunt out the useful stuff which is on the forum which has the potential to greatly improve the lives of both those on the spectrum and their families

Meet and Greet isn't always being used as intended though. If it were just being used by newbies to introduce themselves it would be different, but that's where a lot of the personal digs and vendettas are starting off. I haven't looked in Beyond Adolescence, as my children aren't, so apolgies for not mentioning it specifically. Off Topic though surely is a good one to go, on the basis it is by its very definition off topic of the forum, and there is as much unpleasantness as light hearted stuff over there. Also, my point is not which boards people enjoy posting in, but more what the forum is for. I am not referring to you here Something Different, as I don't know you and don't know what you post, but I am quite sure those who are regularly picking arguments and being vindictive and aggressive to others get a huge amount of enjoyment from their cyber-bullying or cyber-smart-alecness. Whether that's a reason to encourage it on a board like this, which certainly started as a SUPPORT forum is a different question, and there are other places on the internet where they could take this kind of thing.

I joined this forum many years ago, when it was affectionately known as krism, but it has changed out of all recognition since those days, to the extent that I hardly ever post these days and don't read it anywhere nearly as often as I did. Back in the good old days, the forum was first and foremost a place where people came for advice and for support in the tough times, and my understanding was that this was the reason why Kris and Elefan started it in the first place. There were occasional disagreements over controversial issues such as diet or MMR, but on the whole it was a friendly and welcome place to be. Roll on 3 or 4 years, with a multitude of boards, which perhaps encourage people to post more widely, and it is often an unpleasant and bitchy place to be. There are a plethora of threads from people who are leaving in a huff (or not really but want to be begged to stay, often more than once), there are nasty personal attacks on the most innocuous of threads, mods seem to fall with alarming regularity due to the abuse they're subjected to behind the scenes, and a lot of the worthwhile parts of the forum get buried in the dross. I used to point parents of newly diagnosed children here as a useful starting point, but to be honest haven't thought that was suitable for some time. So with all that in mind, would it be sensible to reduce the number of boards back down to Education and Help and Advice, which seem to be the two which stick most closely to the original aims of the forum, and discourage the nastiness which seems to now be endemic? Those who want the kind of backbiting stuff which currently rears its head in general discussion (which wouldn't fit in to help and advice) and off topic could perhaps take themselves off to facebook or somewhere else and fight with each other to their hearts content, without a mod having to take the flak for removing the worst of it, and parents who just want to support their child and occasionally to touch base with others in the same position in a supportive and civilised way, could come back to the board.

Only on Mondays... Thanks for that. 1 day down, only another 10 to go until half term is officially over!

E has a couple of days off school for inset today and tomorrow, and a friend, who I have known for about 3 years but who has never met her, came round to have lunch with us. E was actually having a very good day and was very calm and quiet while she was here, though her usual uncommunicative self. My friend, as perhaps you might expect, was asking lots of questions about autism and what it was, as she had never met anyone on the autistic spectrum. Was also asking why E wasn't able to do some of the things she would expect of a child of that age (such as hold a pencil, read, etc) I was explaining that her development was delayed in lots of different areas and it was hard to gain new skills unless you were sufficiently developed in all the areas you would need (eg fine motor skills, balance, understanding, etc). She kept asking however "Well what area is she ahead of her chronological age in?" Umm, none of them - as is quite apparent to anyone who meets her Also got lots of "advice" about how to "unlock the talents inside her". Cause of course I just leave her sitting in a corner all day every day and never try to encourage her in any way.

As far as I'm aware there will still be Carers Allowance. It's just that for those who currently get Carers Allowance with a top up of income support, it will change so they get Carers Allowance with a top up of Job Seekers Allowance. So it will be obvious if someone is a carer from the outset. As for whether they'll change the criteria a few months down the line, anythings possible! That's the way of these things. I think that the Carers Centre may be advising on the ramifications of the change for anyone who has access to one. Sadly in our area its only funded to support carers of adults not carers of children, but it varies locally I think.

Do you know any more about this Kathryn? I was at a meeting with a Minister from DCSF last week, when it was raised. She said the change was on the basis that anyone with caring responsibilities would definitely NOT be required to show they were available for/looking for work, nor would the amount of benefit they are currently being paid be changed in any way. The only reason for the change was so that carers who would like to work, but need specific kinds of jobs with flexible hours/part time, etc, can have access to the opportunities which are currently available only to those on JSA (eg access to advisers, training courses, grants, etc) This could of course all be government spin, but I haven't been able to find anything which suggests that what she said wasn't true, or that there is any reason for anyone currently receiving CA to panic just yet.

Yes - several near me in London do this once a month. My DD loves the cinema at the normal volumes though, and as we only take her to see children's films anyway, we can get away with it if she's a bit fidgetey or loud, so we've never been to one of the special showings.

Is anyone going to this conference on Monday. Details below:

My child goes to a special school so don't have this problem really, but it seems to me that if you don't tell the parents in the playground, then how are they to know that he isn't just plain naughty? It may be that he will get a bit more latitude if people know that there is another reason for his behaviour. And if he doesn't, then it doesn't sound like he'd be much worse off to be honest. As for the parties, if the parents feel they couldn't cope with his behaviour, based on what they've seen in the playground or heard from their children, then he isn't going to be invited to parties, unless the parents know he has special needs in which case they might invite him but ask you to stay for the duration of the party to help out. I know that my DS had a friend who was very badly behaved (no SEN as far as I know) and the final straw for me was when he came to play at our house aged 7 and was teasing my AS DD in a very cruel way, copying her mannerisms and making fun of the fact that she can't speak distinctly. He also throws toys and games around when he loses and can be destructive of my son's things. I now refuse to have this child in my house because of his behaviour and he has not been invited to my son's last two birthday parties (I tell my son that I have posted the invitation to him but that he is not able to attend because he's doing something else that day, and just make sure they don't meet up in the period round the party when it might be discussed). I can therefore well understand and sympathise with parents who don't invite what they see as an "out of control" child to parties or to play in their house, and if they did invite your child would he actually be able to attend and would they be able to cope with him with no experience of ASD and not even the information that your child is on the spectrum? My own approach is to be up front with everybody, as I see no reason to hide the fact that my child is on the spectrum, and it is so obvious given her age and communication difficulties that I couldn't conceal that there was some form of learning difficulty even if I tried. I don't feel that it is something which needs to be hidden or ashamed of though, and it would make her life harder if I did try to conceal it, as the expectations of her would be impossibly high.

My DD used to do this as well, and if you search I posted a thread about this very thing a few years ago, which might have some other suggestions which would work for your son. What didn't work for us was the idea that she should be given a supply of paper to rip up. Her level of understanding was such that she couldn't differentiate between allowed and forbidden types of paper, and how can you allow her to rip in some circumstances and then tell her off for doing it in others? We also have an NT child who is only a year older than our DD and he was getting upset with his books being destroyed as were we. What we did was to buy the bookcases from Ikea (think they are called Billy) which have doors on them and on each door we fitted a little hasp and hook which we secured with a combination padlock (for suitcases). We told our DS the combination and reminded him to put his books away and lock the bookcase when he was finished with them. After a few years of doing this, we are now able to leave our books out on open bookcases as the habit has been broken. Very very occasionally she might rip up a comic or one of her own books but it is very rare for her now to touch anyone else's books or papers. The out of synch books are available on Amazon, and are very good for lots of things like this. The author is Carole Kranovitch. Hth

I'd think very carefully before doing that. We've recently had to report someone to the police because they chastised my (NT)son physically at a party (leaving cuts and bruises on him), and even though he's only 8 he had to give a formal statement to enable them to do anything about it. That was quite challenging for him, and quite an ordeal for us all to be honest. Unless you feel your child's confidence and social skills are up to this, and that he will not get unduly anxious, I'd tend to suggest that involving the police in these kinds of situations should be the last resort. Having said that, if my son were ever injured by an adult again, I'd still report it. But for verbal abuse I'd weigh up the pros and cons very carefully

Going back to the Mail article, or rather the comments, was anyone else disgusted by the number of readers who commented that having had one or more children on the spectrum Jacqui had no right to go on to have more children, because of the risk that they would also be on the spectrum! As if it was a foregone conclusion that they would all be on the spectrum, or be unwanted if they were, or her personal choices about the size of family she wanted were any business of anyone else but her and her partner!

My Dd is not a visual learner either and doesn't like the way her (special) school tries to force it on her, on the basis that "all autistic children need timetables, schedule strips and PECs cards". When her receptive language wasn't good, we had to teach her everything by hand over hand, and backward chaining. As it got better, with verbal instructions added. She does like books and stories, so social stories work quite well with her, but she still has no interest in a timetable or a sequence strip. On the plus side, once she has mastered a skill she can do it anywhere as she isn't tied to the need for a visual reminder on the wall. On the negative side, it does take a bit longer to get to that point.

I think it is one of the discretionary things the head will take into account under "social grounds". There is one year between our NT son and our ASD daughter (son is older) and he was offered a place at a highly sought after school after social worker wrote explaining he had a sibling who would have a statement who would be coming along the following year. In the event she didn't, as we decided to opt for a special school from the outset, but we were always given to understand at the time that our son didn't have an automatic right to special consideration as it was dd who had the special needs not him, and the sibling place only applied for younger not older siblings, but that it was one of the things which would be weighed in the balance. Hth

There is a great online company called incy wincy which does incontinence swim wear right up to adult size, and the designs for the older wearers are very unobtrusive. We've bought stuff from DD from them when she was still in nappies on a few occasions with no problems at all. I don't think we are allowed to post links for commercial products on here, but if you search for them using google you'll find them, and your DS can enjoy swimming for as long as it takes for him not to need a swim nappy any longer.

Don't know re earnings but the council tax rebate is a no I'm afraid. Here is the link to direct gov http://www.direct.gov.uk/en/CaringForSomeo...ers/DG_10026440 you can't claim if you are caring for a spouse or child even if they get dla and you get CA

When we had a problem with DD ripping up books, we put all our books in cupboards with door, and fitted a small hasp to the outside, which we secured with combination padlocks. All the padlocks were set to the same combination, so we didn't have to worry about losing keys or forgetting the combinations. It looked OK ish. When we redecorated that room, we had cupboards built in, with locks incorporated. Now, having moved to a new house, we have invested in (though not yet fitted!) the magnetic locks, which aren't visible from the outside of the door. They work by holding a magnet to the correct part of the outside of the door. We got ours in ebay, but they are also available from some online babycare shops like Bump2 Baby (not sure if I'm allowed to link to the product), As DD doesn't rip books any more (or not as much) we are able to have the books on open shelves, but could do with being able to lock away the chocolate biscuits!