TDR

Hi Really feel for you and what an awful experience for your son. I agree with Mel.....it has to be small steps to allow and encourage him to see and learn that the new school is safe for him. He must be so confused and scared. As a teacher in a unit for ASD adolescents, we see this kind of behaviour quite regularly from new students. As an example, we planned a 2 week step by step programme for a 14year who was behaving in a v similar way to your son........at the end of the 2 weeks, he succeeded in just entering the building without his Mum. That was success...slow, painful but success. Then we built from there. The Staff need to be totally with you and have a sound understanding of what to do. Can you have an open discussion with the Head and feel you'll be listened to? A slow and gradual easing into the routines of the school could help....at your son's pace, with him being at the centre of everything. Is there any support teacher who your son feels comfortable with? If so, perhaps it could be negotiated that the one he's used to and accepts helps him through the transition. The school has to accept that such total change must be managed by them first to help your son then manage.......20hours support is a legal obligation for them to meet........I worked in mainstream for many years and it is very very hard but ways can be found if the thinking is creative and flexible.....do you have support from an ASD worker who might be able to go with you into school. I can only talk from what our approach is our unit and we do draw from lots of other agencies to support our students (sometimes because we stamp our feet n just refuse to accept a response of, "no, we can't help"from the less willing!). Thinking of you and hoping you find a way....that way may end up being in a specialised unit or equivalent if the junior school do not make progress.......don't give up. <'>

......yes, I'd be very happy with a PM... (took me a while to figure out what that meant.....dough-brain new girl that I am!! )

Need and want to say a massive thank you to everyone who posted a reply to my cry for help earlier today.....I'm bowled over by everyone's sincerity, kindness, honesty and open advice........don't feel so lonely anymore...thank you thank you......this is a good place I've found, full of such good people. You've given me real hope....not false hope. I'm so grateful.

Thank you......I think you're probably exactly right....I sometimes almost see the struggle on his face. And I feel for him, I really do but while this happens, I've got 3 lovely kids who need love and interest from all parents (we're a mixture of step parent/step kid etc etc) My husband is slowly disappearing inside himself, is finding it almost impossible to connect with the 2 girls who now are old enough to notice and comment.....and me, I stand in the middle trying to be all things to all of them in the hope everyone is ok......trouble is, I can now feel myself sinking and ..........hence my sad desperation in this forum and a growing desire to run away!! But, I do still have a little hope that we'll get through this...... Thank you for your kindness. Feeling less lonely than I did earlier this morning.

No, I don't read your comments as dismissive at all. I'm in a bad place emotionally at the moment....after a year of growing unhappiness, loneliness, frustration and sense of personal failure I feel like giving up and walking away but something stops me short of doing so. Love I hope!!

That's reassuring......I talk about what I do and regularly share some of the many symptoms of AS....our study is piled with books about ASD and I've offered them to him before with the reaction 'I don't do books, you know that'. We've talked at times about our respective childhoods and he's described himself as feeling like 'Mr Spock'.... I've tried all kinds of ways but I think he too is scared of accepting the possibility for fear of what may happen. I have reassured so often in times of real relationship crisis that I'm not a quitter, not turning on him, blaming him, want us to work through our problems...use the word 'our' to show him it's about us n not just him but at every turn he either puts up a wall of silence or insists on just agreeing to disagree and the matter is closed. So, hear I am.....tearing my own hair out and feeling very bruised and battered that I'm making no difference......the advice here so far only confirms what I know I have to do....keep trying to reach him, keep trying not to say or do the wrong thing, somehow. Thank you for your kindness.

Thank you......my job is very important to me and it's where I belong I have wondered about approaching his parents but the relationship is very distant and they are in their 70s and I would feel like I'm shifting my responsibility onto them at a time when they don't need such a worry. I know in my heart that I have to talk to him but guess that I feel so exhausted by life that fear stops me...the very thing I try to get my students to face!!! The irony!! I need to take a big breath and face it! Thank you for your support.

Hi everyone....am new to this site and feel very anxious about what and how to write what's in my life. I have registered this morning because I am desperate for help or advice. I have been with my partner for over 4 years now and we married last year. I work with kids with diagnosed (and suspected) ASD and their families.. I have trained, read and re-read books, talked with colleagues, and in my workplace I successfully teach and support an amazing group of incredible young people who've been failed by mainstream education and so come to our unit and find that they are valued, understood and encouraged to 'shoot for the moon'....many many do I am not having the same success at home. I try so hard to communicate with my husband but, whenever we talk about our kids, relationship, work, decorating, anything to do with us, misunderstandings happen, arguments follow and then silence finishes it. I now think through what I want to say (as speaking naturally or spontaneously has caused misunderstandings too) and try to avoid being unclear but it seems at the moment that no matter what i do, one crisis follows another. He struggles to see a different point of view unless it matches his own and then is oblivious and unrepentent when I explain how this comes across as dismissive and hurts. I know it's unintended, as he is sometimes upset when he realises that he's hurt me but feel more and more as though the only way for peace is to compromise contstantly and allow his view to dominate because he's certain that he's 'right' and in his words, 'I just say what I think' ....he can't see that for me it's not about being right but about recognising and acknowledging different points of view....I can't say what I think and be listened to unless what I say agrees with what he thinks. As time passes and as we get to know each other, I am more and more sure that he has Asperger's......I would certainly recommend him for assessment if he was a student in my unit. I really want to talk to him about it but having suggested that our son has an ASD, he refused to discuss it or accept the possibility so I am frightened that I'll get the same verbally violent reaction if I broach the ASD subject again...I feel in a horrible predicament because as a professional, I have seen the positive and massive difference a diagnosis of ASD can make to a person and their family and I'm proud to be part of that process. Yet, in my personal life, I am unable to achieve this. Having read all this, it may come across as a whinging wife but that's not the intention.....I love him and know he loves me but am struggling to find a way of that being enough to carry us through so many (often silly, sometimes fundamental) misunderstandings that escalate so quickly into horrible battles. I feel very much alone together with him and don't know what else to do. I'm sad and feel defeated. Has anyone else been in a similar situation.....I'd appreciate any responses. Thank you.