Feeling desperate

[TDR]

Hi everyone....am new to this site and feel very anxious about what and how to write what's in my life. I have registered this morning because I am desperate for help or advice. I have been with my partner for over 4 years now and we married last year. I work with kids with diagnosed (and suspected) ASD and their families.. I have trained, read and re-read books, talked with colleagues, and in my workplace I successfully teach and support an amazing group of incredible young people who've been failed by mainstream education and so come to our unit and find that they are valued, understood and encouraged to 'shoot for the moon'....many many do

I am not having the same success at home. I try so hard to communicate with my husband but, whenever we talk about our kids, relationship, work, decorating, anything to do with us, misunderstandings happen, arguments follow and then silence finishes it. I now think through what I want to say (as speaking naturally or spontaneously has caused misunderstandings too) and try to avoid being unclear but it seems at the moment that no matter what i do, one crisis follows another. He struggles to see a different point of view unless it matches his own and then is oblivious and unrepentent when I explain how this comes across as dismissive and hurts. I know it's unintended, as he is sometimes upset when he realises that he's hurt me but feel more and more as though the only way for peace is to compromise contstantly and allow his view to dominate because he's certain that he's 'right' and in his words, 'I just say what I think' ....he can't see that for me it's not about being right but about recognising and acknowledging different points of view....I can't say what I think and be listened to unless what I say agrees with what he thinks.

As time passes and as we get to know each other, I am more and more sure that he has Asperger's......I would certainly recommend him for assessment if he was a student in my unit. I really want to talk to him about it but having suggested that our son has an ASD, he refused to discuss it or accept the possibility so I am frightened that I'll get the same verbally violent reaction if I broach the ASD subject again...I feel in a horrible predicament because as a professional, I have seen the positive and massive difference a diagnosis of ASD can make to a person and their family and I'm proud to be part of that process. Yet, in my personal life, I am unable to achieve this.

Having read all this, it may come across as a whinging wife but that's not the intention.....I love him and know he loves me but am struggling to find a way of that being enough to carry us through so many (often silly, sometimes fundamental) misunderstandings that escalate so quickly into horrible battles. I feel very much alone together with him and don't know what else to do.

I'm sad and feel defeated.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation.....I'd appreciate any responses.

Thank you.

[bid]

Welcome to the forum

 

I have AS myself as does my grown up son, and my dad did too. I can certainly recognise this kind of behaviour in adults with AS:

 

He struggles to see a different point of view unless it matches his own and then is oblivious and unrepentent when I explain how this comes across as dismissive and hurts. I know it's unintended, as he is sometimes upset when he realises that he's hurt me but feel more and more as though the only way for peace is to compromise contstantly and allow his view to dominate because he's certain that he's 'right' and in his words, 'I just say what I think' ....he can't see that for me it's not about being right but about recognising and acknowledging different points of view....I can't say what I think and be listened to unless what I say agrees with what he thinks.

 

Whether your partner has AS is very difficult to say, but it does seem as though your 'professional head' feels this is a possibility. It may be that he will never be open to any discussion of ASD in particular, and I guess then you have to see whether he might be willing to have support about relationships/social interaction in general. One thing is for sure, if he does have AS he will never be able to give you an 'NT' emotional response, however hard he tries.

 

I hope you find the support you need here, and can stop feeling so desperate <'>

 

Bid

Edited September 25, 2008 by bid

[Suze]

Hi welcome, I thought your post came across as very caring and sincere, and not like a whinging wife at all <'> , The first step would obviously be to try to talk to him, but if you feel it would lead to an argument perhaps you could print off your post and get him to read what you have written. Have you spoken to his parents about your thoughts?..........could they approach him perhaps.Just wanted to add that my son attends a unit at High school and the staff there are fab, and he too is begining to reach for the stars, thanks to people like you , take care suzex

[TDR]

Hi welcome, I thought your post came across as very caring and sincere, and not like a whinging wife at all <'> , The first step would obviously be to try to talk to him, but if you feel it would lead to an argument perhaps you could print off your post and get him to read what you have written. Have you spoken to his parents about your thoughts?..........could they approach him perhaps.Just wanted to add that my son attends a unit at High school and the staff there are fab, and he too is begining to reach for the stars, thanks to people like you , take care suzex

 

 

Thank you......my job is very important to me and it's where I belong

I have wondered about approaching his parents but the relationship is very distant and they are in their 70s and I would feel like I'm shifting my responsibility onto them at a time when they don't need such a worry. I know in my heart that I have to talk to him but guess that I feel so exhausted by life that fear stops me...the very thing I try to get my students to face!!! The irony!!

I need to take a big breath and face it!

Thank you for your support.

[bid]

Have you thought about asking more general questions first, maybe asking him if there are things he finds difficult either now or when he was a child...and then sort of extrapolate further? Or is he the sort of person who might be interested in a book to do with your job, that might then ring some bells for him?

 

I guess the main thing is to approach it as being supportive, so that he doesn't feel attacked.

 

Good luck <'>

 

Bid

 

(If it's any consolation, I also work with children and young people with additional needs, including ASD, but I still muck things up with my own son! )

Edited September 25, 2008 by bid

[TDR]

Have you thought about asking more general questions first, maybe asking him if there are things he finds difficult either now or when he was a child...and then sort of extrapolate further? Or is he the sort of person who might be interested in a book to do with your job, that might then ring some bells for him?

 

I guess the main thing is to approach it as being supportive, so that he doesn't feel attacked.

 

Good luck <'>

 

Bid

 

(If it's any consolation, I also work with children and young people with additional needs, including ASD, but I still muck things up with my own son! )

 

That's reassuring......I talk about what I do and regularly share some of the many symptoms of AS....our study is piled with books about ASD and I've offered them to him before with the reaction 'I don't do books, you know that'. We've talked at times about our respective childhoods and he's described himself as feeling like 'Mr Spock'.... I've tried all kinds of ways but I think he too is scared of accepting the possibility for fear of what may happen. I have reassured so often in times of real relationship crisis that I'm not a quitter, not turning on him, blaming him, want us to work through our problems...use the word 'our' to show him it's about us n not just him but at every turn he either puts up a wall of silence or insists on just agreeing to disagree and the matter is closed. So, hear I am.....tearing my own hair out and feeling very bruised and battered that I'm making no difference......the advice here so far only confirms what I know I have to do....keep trying to reach him, keep trying not to say or do the wrong thing, somehow.

Thank you for your kindness.

[bid]

The difficulty with adult dx is one of 'timing' I think...the person in question has to be in the right 'place' within themselves to explore such a suggestion, and the person who makes the suggestion and the way it's presented are all relevant, too.

 

My journey to a dx is by now infamous in forum history (at my youngest son's assessment for ASD the paed. basically said 'Your son is fine Mrs H, but you on the other hand...' ). It just so happened that something was 'right' within me at that time to take that on board and the suggestion was made by someone emotionally uninvolved with me yet very supportive and positive about a dx.

 

I think if anything had been said to me at any previous time in my life I would have felt very differently: I think I might have felt criticised or undermined as opposed to the relief I felt when it did happen.

 

If your partner is very fearful right now maybe he needs more self-confidence before exploring anything more complex?

 

Just some thoughts...and I hope I haven't come across as dismissing your obvious unhappiness, as I certainly don't mean to at all <'>

 

Bid

[TDR]

The difficulty with adult dx is one of 'timing' I think...the person in question has to be in the right 'place' within themselves to explore such a suggestion, and the person who makes the suggestion and the way it's presented are all relevant, too.

 

My journey to a dx is by now infamous in forum history (at my youngest son's assessment for ASD the paed. basically said 'Your son is fine Mrs H, but you on the other hand...' ). It just so happened that something was 'right' within me at that time to take that on board and the suggestion was made by someone emotionally uninvolved with me yet very supportive and positive about a dx.

 

I think if anything had been said to me at any previous time in my life I would have felt very differently: I think I might have felt criticised or undermined as opposed to the relief I felt when it did happen.

 

If your partner is very fearful right now maybe he needs more self-confidence before exploring anything more complex?

 

Just some thoughts...and I hope I haven't come across as dismissing your obvious unhappiness, as I certainly don't mean to at all <'>

 

Bid

 

No, I don't read your comments as dismissive at all. I'm in a bad place emotionally at the moment....after a year of growing unhappiness, loneliness, frustration and sense of personal failure I feel like giving up and walking away but something stops me short of doing so. Love I hope!!

[bid]

Trying to think creatively...right now would it help to look for support for his difficulties/your difficulties as a couple rather than any dx? Maybe any dx could come later, because it sounds as though what you need right now is some support in these difficulties, whatever name they might eventually receive?

 

Bid <'>

 

You have a PM

[oxgirl]

Hi TDR, sorry to hear things are tough at the moment. <'>

 

I just wondered if you thought that introducing the concerns for your son to your hubby might have sent him into denial and brought up fears about himself as well. I know that I was very worried about my son for a long time and that my hub just did not want to hear about those worries, it was too scary for him to contemplate. I pushed ahead with appointments, etc. and he came along reluctantly just to shut me up, I think. After seeing the consultant he recommended we read a book on AS and come back in three months. At the end of the three months, the night before we were due to see him again, my hub had still refused point blank to pick up the book and it led to a big row. In the end he ran upstairs in floods of tears and admitted that he just couldn't bear to think about the possibility that our lad had an ASD. But it was more than that, it was the terror of what that might say about himself too. He knew deep down that he was probably AS too but never wanted to think about it, had pushed it right down out of sight and denied all knowledge and suddenly he was confronted with it head-on and he couldn't hide from it anymore. He felt responsible for somehow causing our son's problems also and he felt that his whole life up until that point had somehow been a lie.

 

Sorry to drone on, but I just wondered if your hubby might be going through a similar internal struggle and that, for him, denial is the safest and easiest route at the moment for him. I know that that leaves you alone to deal with it, though.

 

It took a long time before my hub could come to terms with our son's and his own issues, but ten years on he is totally relaxed about it, so there is hope. <'>

 

~ Mel ~

[TDR]

Hi TDR, sorry to hear things are tough at the moment. <'>

 

I just wondered if you thought that introducing the concerns for your son to your hubby might have sent him into denial and brought up fears about himself as well. I know that I was very worried about my son for a long time and that my hub just did not want to hear about those worries, it was too scary for him to contemplate. I pushed ahead with appointments, etc. and he came along reluctantly just to shut me up, I think. After seeing the consultant he recommended we read a book on AS and come back in three months. At the end of the three months, the night before we were due to see him again, my hub had still refused point blank to pick up the book and it led to a big row. In the end he ran upstairs in floods of tears and admitted that he just couldn't bear to think about the possibility that our lad had an ASD. But it was more than that, it was the terror of what that might say about himself too. He knew deep down that he was probably AS too but never wanted to think about it, had pushed it right down out of sight and denied all knowledge and suddenly he was confronted with it head-on and he couldn't hide from it anymore. He felt responsible for somehow causing our son's problems also and he felt that his whole life up until that point had somehow been a lie.

 

Sorry to drone on, but I just wondered if your hubby might be going through a similar internal struggle and that, for him, denial is the safest and easiest route at the moment for him. I know that that leaves you alone to deal with it, though.

 

It took a long time before my hub could come to terms with our son's and his own issues, but ten years on he is totally relaxed about it, so there is hope. <'>

 

~ Mel ~

Thank you......I think you're probably exactly right....I sometimes almost see the struggle on his face. And I feel for him, I really do but while this happens, I've got 3 lovely kids who need love and interest from all parents (we're a mixture of step parent/step kid etc etc) My husband is slowly disappearing inside himself, is finding it almost impossible to connect with the 2 girls who now are old enough to notice and comment.....and me, I stand in the middle trying to be all things to all of them in the hope everyone is ok......trouble is, I can now feel myself sinking and ..........hence my sad desperation in this forum and a growing desire to run away!! But, I do still have a little hope that we'll get through this......

Thank you for your kindness. Feeling less lonely than I did earlier this morning.

[cmuir]

Hi

 

My son is nearly 7 and was diagnosed at 4.5 with AS. I recall very vividly sitting in the consultant's office and being told "your son is on the autistic spectrum..." The rest was a bit of a blur - I bawled my eyes out. Poor woman scurried around looking for tissues and apologised profusely. I recall glancing at my husband and he just sat there as if he was waiting for a bus. It was only a few weeks later that my son's consultant and another specialist indepenently asked me questions about my husband and broached the subject that it's not uncommon for father and son to has an ASD. That's when it hit me like a ton of bricks! We've been married 14 years and it's been incredibly tough. In hindsight, there are lots of things that could be attributable to my husband having AS ie not attending family weddings/parties, not attending my graduation, lack of emotion, etc. I should add that some NTs can be like that! However, in our case, it would make sense that my husband does have AS as there's a clear genetic link through both sides of our families. We've discussed the fact that it certainly looks like he has AS and although he's been very reluctant to talk about it, he actually admits that he thinks he does have it. In fact, very strange, but he's able to tell me how our son is feeling - very helpful on the occcasions when I cannot find a 'logical' explanation for his behaviour. I guess I've accepted that that's how things are. Have to say, a lot of the time I do feel very alone. Things really are un uphill struggle, but I love both my hubby and son dearly - doesn't make it any easier though.

 

Difficult to offer any advice if your husband finds the subject difficult to discuss. Only thing I can say, is that it's worth pointing out how well he's coped making sense of the world. My husband is 40 and I'm proud of the fact that he's got through life and done as well. However, knowing one way or another, explains a lot. Wouldn't it be reassuring for them to discover for sure if they have AS and that's why they've found certain things difficult, felt like they've not quite fitted in, etc?

 

By the way, very refreshing to hear such enthusiasm and such a positive outlook from a professional. Wish my son attended your unit!

 

Best wishes

 

Caroline.

[billabong]

I love him and know he loves me but am struggling to find a way of that being enough to carry us through so many (often silly, sometimes fundamental) misunderstandings that escalate so quickly into horrible battles. I feel very much alone together with him and don't know what else to do.

I'm sad and feel defeated.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation.....I'd appreciate any responses.

Thank you.

 

Yes, I've definitely been there - and will surely go there again. (Sorry, I can't find the hug emoticon, otherwise there would be a string of them here). Sometimes things run along tickety-boo, as much as I'd hope for, and other times - well, your words above say it all. There are times when I've been on the point of giving up. One thing that has made a huge difference has been sharing what's going on with a few very supportive, understanding friends; support is vital and has helped me to put things back into perspective (mine as a 'NT', and DH's as an Asperger-wired person). I hope that you find this via this forum and in other ways. Strangely enough, I read your e-mail just after having a meeting with someone from the NAS who has given advice on setting up an informal support group.

 

Would you be happy for me to send you a PM?

 

<'> Ooh, I wonder if this is the hug icon?

 

Billabong

[Tally]

Hi TDR, and welcome to the forum.

 

I am an adult, diagnosed with Asperger's last year. Since reading about Asperger's, my mum has come to realise that my dad probably also has AS. My mum has tried to broach the subject with my dad, but he dismisses the possibility completely. Even without the diagnosis, my mum has found that trying techniques often recommended to help you communicate with autistic adults has helped them to get on better.

 

You might be able to get some help from couples counselling. Even without a diagnosis, it might help if you are able to address the specific issues that upset you. Relate apparently have counsellors specifically to work with couples where one has AS, so they may well have a good knowledge of the condition and how to help you both. Whether he has AS or not, it's not all about what you can do to help the situation, he needs to meet you half-way as well.

[oxgirl]

Thank you......I think you're probably exactly right....I sometimes almost see the struggle on his face. And I feel for him, I really do but while this happens, I've got 3 lovely kids who need love and interest from all parents (we're a mixture of step parent/step kid etc etc) My husband is slowly disappearing inside himself, is finding it almost impossible to connect with the 2 girls who now are old enough to notice and comment.....and me, I stand in the middle trying to be all things to all of them in the hope everyone is ok......trouble is, I can now feel myself sinking and ..........hence my sad desperation in this forum and a growing desire to run away!! But, I do still have a little hope that we'll get through this......

Thank you for your kindness. Feeling less lonely than I did earlier this morning.

 

 

Yes, I felt the same and can sympathise. Whilst my hub happily stuck his head in the sand, I was left alone to deal with all the worry on my own. For my hub, it was easier if he just didn't have to think about it at all, then he could pretend that everything was ok. He still has tendancies to want to do this, but, with us, it's a question of forcing him in a way to face up to various issues as they come up and now there is nowhere for him to hide, he has to face them. At the end of the day, he's just as much a part of it all as me and he doesn't get off so lightly anymore, I won't let him off the hook anymore.

Can you get away, just the two of you, even for just an evening where you can really spend time talking out these things? If you could have the time to sit down for a couple of hours and really lay it on the table, would he be willing or able to listen to you, do you think? I hope you can work it out. <'>

 

~ Mel ~

[bid]

Meant to ask, how are things with your son? Were you able to pursue the question of whether he is ASD?

 

Bid

[TDR]

Meant to ask, how are things with your son? Were you able to pursue the question of whether he is ASD?

 

Bid

 

Need and want to say a massive thank you to everyone who posted a reply to my cry for help earlier today.....I'm bowled over by everyone's sincerity, kindness, honesty and open advice........don't feel so lonely anymore...thank you thank you......this is a good place I've found, full of such good people. You've given me real hope....not false hope. I'm so grateful.

[TDR]

I love him and know he loves me but am struggling to find a way of that being enough to carry us through so many (often silly, sometimes fundamental) misunderstandings that escalate so quickly into horrible battles. I feel very much alone together with him and don't know what else to do.

I'm sad and feel defeated.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation.....I'd appreciate any responses.

Thank you.

 

 

Yes, I've definitely been there - and will surely go there again. (Sorry, I can't find the hug emoticon, otherwise there would be a string of them here). Sometimes things run along tickety-boo, as much as I'd hope for, and other times - well, your words above say it all. There are times when I've been on the point of giving up. One thing that has made a huge difference has been sharing what's going on with a few very supportive, understanding friends; support is vital and has helped me to put things back into perspective (mine as a 'NT', and DH's as an Asperger-wired person). I hope that you find this via this forum and in other ways. Strangely enough, I read your e-mail just after having a meeting with someone from the NAS who has given advice on setting up an informal support group.

 

Would you be happy for me to send you a PM?

 

<'> Ooh, I wonder if this is the hug icon?

 

Billabong

......yes, I'd be very happy with a PM... (took me a while to figure out what that meant.....dough-brain new girl that I am!! )

[**Mia]

Hello