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Posts posted by star
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What if you move and after six months or a year your husband isnt happy as he thought he would be and the climax could actually cause additional issues within the marrage because technaclly you have given up soo much for him for what you both would think make you both happier.I would stay put for now and like you say look into some councilling as there could be other issues your Husband is unahppy about but he focuses on the football, and I think you might resent him more if it doesnt work.
He has waited 10 years so take time to decide on the overall decision, even if that takes another year.
JsMumxxx
Thanks. I agree in that if things aren't better and we have the added stress of moving things could go alot worse. It seems better to move when in a strong marriage to cope with the stresses the next year or so would bring if we did move.
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I sympathise with your dilemma as I moved house 13 years ago when it wasn't really my choice - it was to do with my husband's job. I just went along with the decision and we didn't really discuss it. I was really unhappy and resentful for about 3 or 4 years after we moved and so was my daughter, (then 7).I think football and nostalgia in themselves aren't very good bases for a life changing decision such as this - as Tally says,places change and so do people - they may not be the same as he remembers them. Work, housing,schools and social networks surely must be the most important considerations. As well as the practicalities, your needs and your son's needs also deserve equal consideration.
I think communication is so important: you need to be positive that the decision is right for you. With hindsight, when we moved I think we should have sat down and discussed it properly and weighed up the pros and cons for all of us. We may have arrived at the same decision anyway, but I think I would have felt more in control and accepted the move better. Now I have put down root and made friends here so things turned out OK in the end, but it was hard work in the beginning!
Good luck with whatever you decide.
K x
Thanks. I think control here is a big issue. I think he finds it difficult to weigh up the pros and cons as in his heart he just wants to go and so I don't feel his judgment is necessarily sound or that he is thinking of the whole family.
Currenty where we live ticks all the boxes for work, housing, primary schools and social networks. However, it doesn't really for secondary schools - so that would be the only big pro if we move. Also, social networds for me are based around being at home at the momen and the mums at school and I know this wil change a bit anyway when I start work again myself so I suppose I should stay based on that alone.
I might do a pros and cons list myself and present it to him to discuss! In some ways we could do with going to see a counsellor to something to discuss our marriage and especially this issue. Might have a think about that too.
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I recently moved back to the place I moved away from only 7 years ago. So much has changed, so many new housing estates have been built and I have lost touch with all my old friends. It has been like moving to a whole new area. Going "home" might not actually turn out to really feel like that.Thanks for your reply. This is exactly what I say to my husband. However, for him I know certain things will be the same - his best friend, the football and the countryside will all be very close by. For me it will be equal to where we are now I think or maybe worse initially as I will need to build up local friends. However, I know I will meet new friends and the main thing that could improve my life is if he were happier and our marriage better - but whether this move will achieve those things I am not sure!
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HiI think it's really admirable that you're prepared to put your happiness before everyone else's. However, if your marriage is to survive, you too need to be comfortable with the move otherwise it may prove to be a temporary fix. I think, in short, that familiarity and predictability can without doubt help someone with AS (my son is like a duck out of water, to say the least, when he's anxious as a result of being somewhere new, etc).
I guess it's a very personal decision, you have to weigh up whether you could cope with distance friendships (although not easy, moving doesn't necessarily means losing your exisiting friends). In addition, you need to ask yourself whether you and the kids could make new friends, have a better life all round, etc. From a practical point of view it's probably worth making a list of the pros and cons of moving. Can your hubby get into football where you currently live (maybe it's a specific team thing!)? Hubby and I moved in order to give my son privacy, space and scope for independence (neighbours had been awful and moving would mean that R could play in the large back garden without me perched on the doorstep ready to mediate frequent difficult situations). We could have been mortgage free next year which really appealed to my hubby, but I was thinking more about long term issues. It was 2 years ago that we moved and despite living in a building site/museum for that length of time, I think that R has more to gain ie greater independence, privacy (moved from mid-terr house to det bungalow), house has massive conversion scope, etc. Must admit, when I saw R in the back garden with a fellow Aspie 'friend' last summer playing happily, I knew the move had been worthwhile. I think happiness should be the main reason - if you genuinely think you could all be happier, then go for it!
Best wishes
Caroline.
Thanks very much. Good idea about making list of pros and cons of moving. I do think secondary school will be a big plus if we move as there are some very good schools to choose from whilst the local one where we currently live is just average. I'll sit down a weigh it all up.
I do think my DH would be happier and calmer which would be good for all of us BUT if I want to make sure all of us wuld be happier in a new situation.
Thanks for replying. I am glad your move was so positive.
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Whilst my DH has not got a formal assessment or anything he does have many AS traits which also run in his family and our son is thought to have traits too.
Basically my question is that we are currently living on the south coast. We have done for nearly 10 years but my husband has always wanted to move back to the north west where we were born and he lived for 30 years. He says he wants the familiarity of his home area - the countryside, people. Also, and quite importantly his obsession is football. He lives and breathes it as does his son now too but for them to go and see their team at the moment means leaving the house at 8am and coming back at 11pm. He would be happier going more often and as DS is obsessed as well if we moved they could do this more frequently and it would be good bonding for them too.
My DH really wants to move back "home" and he keeps going on and on about this and hasn't changed him mind in 10 years! It has become a real issue in our marriage as he is not happy where we live. Alot of it is football related but it is not just this as he misses the countryside where we were and the ruralness and his old friends plus being in familiar surroundings especially as DH's parents have died I think it is some comfort for him being in places that remind him of them.
My mum and dad live near us now - but they want to move back to the north west too!
I however, am feeling fairly settled where we are, children in good primary schools we have a nice house and network of friends. I don't think where we live is brilliant or anything but to me it is as good as anywhere with the benifit of being warmer and drier than the north west too! I just don't like the thought and whole upheaval and stress of a long distance move. Plus will miss some of my closer friends I have made here as a SAHM.
Anyway, for the sake of my marriage I am thinking of moving back. As because DH is so unhappy here I really think we won't stay together. Bascially I am moving to try and make our family unit happier rather than because I want to move althought I can see some other benefits - better secondary school, cheaper housing, more rural location.
I just wondering if I am doing the right thing as it is a funny thought to commit to somthing so big when I really haven't decided that it what I want to do. I suppose I am just hoping it will make my DH and our family happier in the long run.
I also wanted to ask on this forum that in terms of Aspergers is moving to a familar place likely to improve DH's happiness. Is it something that could be due to his having AS that makes him dependent on the familiarity of his childhood and most of his adulthood and hankering for this sameness. Plus I suppose to be close to his "football" which is his obsession too. If it may be linked to his AS I suppose it might make me undertand why he is so fixed on this move.
Any thoughts really appreciated. Thank you
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If your child copes really well with school work and in class do they get help in the playground setting at all?
My son is doing really well at school, enjoys school and fitting in fine in the classroom but from what I can tell at breaktimes he is walking about on his own or talking to a lunchtime lady who is very friendly with him usually about sport. I know he does play with others some of the time but I know he is probably on his own alot of the time too.
Now none of this bothers or upsets him. He is perfectly happy. I just wondered whether he should/could have input with this area or not. He is in year 2.
Thanks very much.
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If a child had ASD but fitted in well to the primary school system - was well behaved, very bright and didn't cause the teacher any problems would they get any help at all in the school setting?
Bascially the only "need" would be social ie finding it more difficult to join in with the other children. I just wondered how schools help with this. If at all?
Would be very intersted in hearing your experiences.
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What makes you feel that a dx of Asperger's might be made? What behaviour is he demonstrating that you feel matches with an ASD?Mainly as he is finding it difficult to initiate conversations and friendships at the moment.
His facial expression are fairly limited too as although he is does show upset, happy he doesn't seem to do a big natural smile like my daugher or have as many facial expressions as she does to convay different emotions. His eye contact is probably not as good as his sister although he does give reasonable eye contact.
Maybe it is because he is very advanced like the teacher says and his development is at different paces say for social and then cognitive?
Am not sure. He is probably very borderline as he copes well with school life and is a model pupil and at home he is good generally. He doesn't have meltdowns or unusual behavior as such. Is not bothered by changes of routine and lots of the other broader traits of AS do not apply to him but the main traits that could possibly are social interaction, less strong on non verbal signals such as facial expression and perhaps eye contact.
How normal these differences are in 5 year old boys I don't know as many of his peers seem fairly difficult too!!
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What help would a child expect to get in reception/ first school?
Just wondered what you experiences where? Would be very grateful to hear them.
Although my son is not diagnosed he is showing imaturities interacting with classmates and although he is getting more social I am watching carefully to see how things progress.
If he did ever have a diagnosis it would probably be aspergers (as he had no speech delay).
Anyway, he is on school action register and they are currently helping him with speech sounds (clarity issues) as he did have speech therapy when younger but his sounds improved so much that he just has help in school now rather than with SALT as they signed him off. The teaching assistants in school are also aiming to help him make initial social interactions during free play settings . The school think he is coming on socially but needs adult help at the moment. He is 5.
Generally is he is doing really well at school. His behavior is very good, he is "sociable", he is also very able and ahead in english and maths. He had a glowing review at the last parents meeting and also has no worries about changes of routine .
Given this I just wondered if he is likely to get further help with a diagnosis or whether it would be similar to what he is getting in a school setting.
Thank you for replying. I appreciate your expeiences.
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Would AS make it more difficult to remember names and new classmates in reception? Did you find this at the start of school and how long did it take for them to piece together who everyone was and faces etc.
Thanks.
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Thanks Tally, Good to hear that there is hope in terms of anger management. It seems like he needs to address the triggers and formulate a strategy that works for him. I hope to try and help him with this so hopefully we can work something out that is effective. If not, I agree that some form of therapy or course may be useful.
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Thanks again for your reply. It is good to know that my husband has made such a big step by knowing that he has to change. Hopefully we can start finding some strategies that might be helpful. Certainly his mother never made this step and also didn't change! so I can feel more hopefully about things!!!
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Sounds aspie to me.Thanks for your reply.
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Thanks for your reply. You are right it depends on how the traits effect day to day life which is most important.
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Thanks for your reply. Sorry if I made you annoyed with my post. I totally see your point and also agree with Baddad as many people have ASD characteristics to a certain degree and in my husbands case he generally gets by OK especially as he has matured he seems to be alot better able to cope with situations, and quirks, like you say are interesting. I left an ex boyfriend years ago as he was boring and so I think I was actually attracted to his quirks in the first place !!!
I agree with you that it is too easy to get a brief understanding of something and to fit it to what you see and that the some of the diagnostic criteria could be applied to many people. A little knowledge can be dangerous....
Generally there isn't a problem for my husband but the problem is how he responds to stress (at home) and how he flares up as I really don't like this and can't cope with it. I suppose that is why I was thinking about if it was AS related maybe he would never change as it was part of his make up? and I would find it difficult to live with him never changing on this front.I hope he will learn some techniques that will help him repond to certain situations in a different way. He is reading a book at the moment and we will see how that helps him. I know his mum's behavior has had a big impact in the way he responds to problems/stress. Now she never changed but she couldn't see she had a problem as she always though others had the problem but my husband can see he has a problem and wants to change - so there is some hope!
Hope I haven't offended again.... I don't mean to if I have...
Thanks again for your reply.
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Thanks for your reply. I agree with Baddad too that it may not be helpful to look at it in the way I was doing. My only issue is with the way my husband deals with stress and how he gets angry as I find it very difficult to be around him when he is like this. I am hoping that we will be able to work though this with time as he is getting much better. I suppose I was thinking that if he did has some form of ASD would that mean he would never change or find it very difficult to change? That said, i suppose if something is part of your childhood then that may not change either so I suppose again it doesn't make much difference either !
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Hi star -Hope you don't mind me asking, but does it matter?
Certainly there are some things in your post that sound like AS 'traits', but I think if you look at most people you can find that type of thing - especially if you make a point of making a list.
One thing every parent hears repeatedly is 'Oh, all kids do that' and autistic adults hear 'well I/my/mum/my brother/(etc) is exactly the same.'
From the last paragraph it doesn't sound as though your DH has any major difficulties in interacting with others, or in his every day life, so in terms of 'disability' - which is what AS/ASD is (and disability itself is in many, many ways a social construct arising from value judgements made about 'difference) - then he 'isn't', IYSWIM.
I guess what I'm really trying to say is that there are all sorts of reasons why people might behave in certain ways, and we are all products of our upbringing. If your partners mother was 'volatile' and possibly a bit self-absorbed, then that is probably going to be a pattern that will emerge in his own interactions and relationships. If you grew up in a different environment (or even a similar one but with a determination to reject those patterns of behaviour) you will see them in a very different light. Alternatively, if your background and psychology had been more like his, you probably wouldn't find anything 'different' to wonder about...
I hope that doesn't sound judgemental in itself - it certainly isn't meant to be and understanding more about how your partner 'ticks' has got to be a good thing in any relationship regardless of any other considerations
Neither am I saying your husband isn't on the spectrum - i wouldn't dare presume to possess that sort of expertise! - All I'm saying is, if it aint a problem there's nothing to fix -(and I believe very strongly that most of the 'fixing' people want for autistic people could be better addressed by social change and acceptance anyway)
Hope that's helpful, and give him a kick up the butt about that USED TO write romantic letters
... Tell him a girl likes to be wooed (and follow it up with a cheeky wink and 'you can be as wooed as you like with me' 
...... carry on nurse!)L&P
BD
Thanks very much for your reply. I agree with your comments and think you make a lot of sense. It is the sort if reply I needed to hear as in many ways it doesn't really matter!!! amd I do think you are right in that you can look at many people (myself included) and you can list traits but without much use or benefit!
You're right too about his mum as this has had a major impact on his behavior as she was a fairly abusive lady at times. Leading from this I feel that my only "issue" with my husbands behavior is his stress and anger management. We have discussed this recently and he is reading a self help book and we will see how he goes. I suppose I was thinking that if he did have AS then maybe he will never be able to control this side of his behavior? or maybe he still could with time and help? Anyway, like you say that doesn't really matter and hopefully we will be able to work through this problem with time and help.
Thanks for your reply and yes, I will remind him of the romantic letters!!!!
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There are several threads on this in the Beyond Adolescence section that you might find interesting to read!Thanks - will take a look!
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After reading up about ASD I am thinking that my husband has many traits. Just wondered what you thought? and what I should do if anything? I am not sure if I am just seeing things in him that are just typical bloke behavior or whether together he could actually have an ASD.
eye contact not very good especially with people he doesn't know so well.
can say things that aren't really that tactful in company
explodes when things go wrong or don't go to plan and will shout and look agressive (although he isn't violent at all)
is tactile but can hug too hard or squeezes too tight
obsession with football - real detail of stats, history etc
isn't comfortable with lots of changes and this can make him anxious and more prone to stress (ie many outbursts happen when we are off to an event or something different)
quite a stiff posture and tends to walk flat footed
Has a strong sense of smell and will sometimes sniff things like old books for example as he likes the smell
he tends to be fairly self centred and always things of situations from his perspective and can't see how they may effect other people unless pointed out. When pointed out he is usually fairly good at understanding.
However, he does have friends whom he enjoys going out with and is fairly funny and laid back most of the time. He plays sport, is emotional and is a good judge of other people in terms of who is a good person and who may be false. He writes well and used to write me some very romantic letters when we first met. He is very loyal and trustworthy. He can be fairly sociable with people he feels comfortable with and is interesting to talk to.
Thank you for any thoughts or advice. I should add that his behavior has improved alot during our relationship especially since he moved further away from his mum (who has similiar behavior in terms of being abit volotile) and he is much calmer and less stressed about things.
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I wanted to have my sons immunity tested before giving him an MMR booster at the age of 4 and both my GP and a private clinic say these tests are not useful. They say they only give a figure for current immunity levels and don't show if memory cells have been produced so there is no guarantee that this imunity is long lasting.
Does anyone have experience of this? or could give me any advice of what to do regarding the booster?
Am abit confused as I have heard especially in the states that people base decisions to have a booster on immunity testing so someone must be doing it wrong!
thanks very much.
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I have to say that no study of any kind will be able to give me enough peace of mind to have my ds 2 vaccinated again. He most definitely regressed after 1st vaccination although I do know he already had autistic tenedencies. It's no easy decision though, I still have moments of guilt about it. My ds severe autism and SLD. I just can't risk the tiny bit of language and social interaction he has left vanishing as well.Elun xxx
Thanks. That is how I feel really as my son has come on so much. If there was even a tiny, tiny risk that this could be effected I just wouldn't want to take it. In many ways though I am fairly sure there is no risk but even so after the studies and case studies it does leave you wondering..
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As far as im aware thiomersal has been removed from vaccines but would ask GP to be sure.Thanks. Was it the thiomersal part that was the suggested problem/link?
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I was worried about this at the time my son was about to have the booster. I asked my GP for advice and he did say that he thought much of the immunity had probably been gained in the first jab and I needn't worry about the second if I didn't want it. I didn't and I was reassured that probably the first jab had done its job. I've no idea whether this is still likely to be the case with the way they do the jabs now (and noone should take this to be the case without checking with their GP) but I suggest you ask your GP what he/she thinks - not necessarily about the risks of any harm being caused (because that is such a tricky question) but about whether its crucial to have the booster.Thanks. If I didn't have it done I may try to check immunity at some point as it would show that he had some immunity (although not how strong it is) but it would still give me piece of mind that he was protected.
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I expect if they've had one they may as well have both. The bits I've read seem to suggest if there is a problem it is more likely to be due to the cocktail of drugs given to children very quickly when they're very young. That said a few bits seem to mention thiomersal as been a possible cause though again there have been a number of studies that seem to rule this out.http://www.mhra.gov.uk/home/idcplg?IdcServ...&nodeId=236
Also from another source:
There have been a number of recent reviews investigating the issue of thiomersal in vaccines. These all agree that, with the possible exception of minor skin reactions, there is not thought to be any significant risk associated with the amount of thiomersal contained in vaccines. Further, no evidence currently exists to prove a link between thiomersal and autistic spectrum disorders6-10. Nevertheless, it has been agreed on a European-wide basis that even though there is no evidence of toxicity, as a precautionary measure, thiomersal should be phased out over time11; a recommendation endorsed by the UK Medicines Control Agency, and the JCVI12. This is dependent upon equally safe and efficacious thiomersal-free alternatives being available.
http://www.hps.scot.nhs.uk/immvax/thiomersal.aspx
I don't know if thiomersal is still in the present jab though. Most things I have read also suggest that if there is any link then it is more likely that of a trigger and another underlying cause must be present. Quite possibly genertic. I think the widely held felling is that Measles, Mumps and Rubella are more of a risk than any side effects of the vaccine. Still if you are worried you could inquire if there is a non thiomersal version available. Some countries in Europe certainly have one without it.
The summary of my book basically is whilst there is nothing to prove that it doesn't have an effect nor is there anything to prove that it does. (At least beyond reasonable doubt.)
Thank you very much for such a detailed reply. It is a difficult choice to make as a parent as like you say there is nothing really to prove either way - but as a worry has been voiced in makes you relunctant to take a risk even if there probably isn't really a risk there in the first place!
Moving back home
in General Discussion
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Thanks. I think we might be able to go for a few weekend breaks in the new year and maybe easter a longer break. Problem is we always visit lots of people when we go which leaves no time to see the area and suss that out as such so maybe we need to go and not visit friends next time round and have a look around.