Mandapanda
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Posts posted by Mandapanda
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The Maudsley Hospital in London have a unit. You can look it up on internet. I work in a mental health team and the consultants refer people there so you can definitely get NHS referrals there!
Good luck.
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Hello,I work closely in school with two brothers, one aged 10 and one aged 8. Both boys have problems with self esteem and both have behavioural problems. Both boys are academically behind their peers The eldest boy has Asperger Syndrome. The boys' mother works long hours so the father is the main carer for the boys. In conversation, the father has said to me that he has mental health problems and sometimes finds it hard to cope with the boys' behaviour.
I do not want to raise alarm bells, but I am concerned. What should I do>
Does you school run self-esteem groups, or social communication groups, or something similar? This sort of group helped my son and he enjoyed them, and it may give them some extra quality interaction they might need at the moment.
It's nothing personal against you, as I know you are doing the right thing asking the question, but I have seen schools (and work colleagues) jump to blame a parent's mental illness for situations, when in fact it is the situation exacerbating the mental health problems. It cannot help the boys if their mother is out of the house for long hours. (I'm not criticising working mums as I am one, but it could be contributing to their low self-esteem. They might think mummy wants to be at work and not with them, and dad may, without realising it, be conveying that he is not totally enthusiastic about looking after them full time. Children are very sensitive emotionally, even they may not be able to verbalise it.) It's easy for parents to almost compete about who has had the hardest day, and I imagine she's probably exhausted when she gets home and is not too enthusiastic about taking over with 2 'lively' children, which if the roles were reversed the man would be expected to do.
You could get into conversation with the dad again and ask if he's considered talking to his GP about this, or he may have a Care Co-ordinator in a Mental Health Team who can give some extra support. It is stressful bringing up children, and some stay at home dads have mixed emotions about the situation, without having children with difficulties to cope with as well. I personally think it would be better for him to ask for help than for Social Services to turn up at the door as this will be extremely stressful for the family. His GP or CC can discuss involving Social Services with him/them so it wouldn't be a shock.
However, if you suspect the children may be at some sort of risk, then of course you MUST raise the alarm.
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Hi Janey
My youngest hates anything related to sex or even affection. He won't be hugged or kissed (even by us - he will kiss me on cheeks, dad on shoulders). He used to stop watching a programme if someone kissed (even just a peck), although he is getting better now about this.
He is a school refuser, and when we got down to only getting him to science they started doing reproduction, so that was the end of that!!!
I have to say we didn't realise this could be a trait of ASD at the time as he is very different to his brother with Asperger's who is fascinated by reproduction and not bothered by people snogging (in fact seems to have had an embarrassent bypass!!).
If you talk to a good special needs person at the school they should be fully aware of the connection here and be able to advise you.
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Hi jacqueline
In my personal experience with my youngest son, schools do not do enough soon enough to avoid this problem escalating.
You need to push for the school to put him in a small group, or allow him to work in the library or pupil support unit, to take the pressure off. It can be very difficult for a child like this to explain exactly what things are causing problems for them, but certainly with my son I believe it was the large number of other children, with constant possibility of being embarrased, made fun of, being criticised etc, and I think he also was uncomfortable eating in front of others due to these reasons as well.
When we got down to the point where he was only attending science classes (being at home and refusing to go the rest of the week), they started doing reproduction which finished him off!!
We also had incident where the art teacher told him he hadn't done his picture properly, told him what to do to improve it - which made it smudge and look much worse! - and then criticised him again for smudging it. A heated situation developed, she called in another teacher who held on to his work and wouldn't give it back and in grabbing for his work he 'hit' this other teacher. This from a child who was a model pupil who wouldn't say boo to a goose, but he was put under immense pressure (really for no reason, as he had done his best, and in my opinion art is about creativity and interpretation, not copying slavishly, and the head eventually backed down when I put this argument to him). My son did not face another punishment for this incident, other than an 'internal exclusion' for the rest of the day, but it was the beginning of the end, and he now hasn't been to school for just over a year. I never thought we would be in this position I am not trying to frighten you, just confirm that you really do need to get action on this situation to make sure your son is reassured and supported at school, not having his self-esteem trampled into the ground because it takes a lot longer to get that back than it does for them to destroy it.
In my personal opnion schools seem unable or unwilling to deal supportively with the problem of anxiety. They are quick to imply we mums are causing the child's anxiety, especially if the child is quiet at school. Other people assume bullying must be the problem, but I believe the social situations involved 'bully' the child, not individuals (although this can happen as well of course).
Another point, my son's teacher was very supportive and tried to be helpful, signing him off as sick, which I was very grateful for at the time. However, in hindsight it would have been better if she hadn't done this as Education Welfare would have been involved sooner and could have advised the school to put in procedures to help him when it was still a saveable situation. They were the ones who suggested him going to Pupil Support to work so he didn't have to go into a class full of children Unfortunately by the time they were only involved I could still get him into school for a meeting with her, but couldn't get him into school even to sit in pupil support to do some science with a friend of his. We had a lovely EWO. I had been dreading their involvement as the school and doctor and especially CAMHS said they would 'take a very hard line' over the matter and expect me to force him to go to school. Our EWO wasn't like that at all. She had a son with Asperger's and was very understanding.
Please, please push for help for your son now. If there is an advocacy service local to you, they may be able to help liaise with the school.
Thinking of you
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Hi
We used to say "be careful" an awful lot to my eldest, and he would reply "be fairful"!
With (since Sunday) 2 teenagers in the house my latest phrase is "you're being unreasonable".
No doubt once college starts it will be "get up NOW or you'll miss the bus!!!!"
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Hi Lisa40
I have similar problem with 13-year-old son. He recently decided that instead of going to sleep at about 4am and sleeping a lot of the day, he should stay awake all day and hopefully sleep the next night. Even though he decided this he is finding it extremely difficult to put into practice. Last night it all went quite about 9pm and when I went up to his room he was fast asleep
, however when I tried to shut the door some paper got stuck and woke him up 
. I just whispered 'go back to sleep' and left as quickly as possible, and went to bed fully expecting him to call out in the night. He didn't, and I haven't been in to him yet as I don't want to wake him if he's sleeping. It will be interesting to hear whether he slept or not when I speak to him later. Although he often says he can't remember or he didn't sleep much - but I can tell by how knackered he looks I find he can have periods where his sleeping is better and then something happens (from a family death down to just planning to go out somewhere in the next week) and his sleeping will go all out again. It is very frustrating. He is not attending school and not even able to do schooling at home due to anxiety, but he is still learning stuff when researching his stories, and he is just generally interested in things. We are stuck as we are at the moment and other people can be very critical and say we should do this or that, but living with these problems cannot possibly be understood by people who have no experience of it. They can't realise just how resistant our children can be, and how they don't respond to the normal tactics people use with other children.
CAMHS have said that if I can't drag him out of bed kicking and screaming whether he likes it or not, there is no help they can give us. (they have never said anything about avoidance tactic, I think they just think he's doing what he wants and I'm letting him!). So we are just doing what we think is right. Gradually trying to build up his confidence and letting him 'find himself'. We encourage and point out anything he does which can count as learning (as opposed to 'education' which let's face it is a very rigid and narrow thing). It is going to be a very slow process and I don't know what the outcome will be or what the future holds, but I will at least know that I have done what I really believe is right for him.
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Smiley1590
I haven't been on forum for a while. So sorry to hear one of your nans has now passed away. Of course it is a very sad and unsettling time. It's always a shock when someone dies, even if it is expected (if that makes sense!). You have to get over that shock before you can even begin to come to terms with losing her. It's a process you can't really get away from. You have lost them and it will hurt and you will miss them. Don't be hard on yourself when you are having a bad day, and try not to feel responsible for everyone else's emotions. Hugging your aunt will have meant so much to her, that is how you can share your pain and support each other. No words can really make it better/easier. You all have to go through some sort of grieving process - it is a very personal thing and you may need to understand that different people may not show their grieving in the way you perhaps think they should. In a way you need to treasure the pain, as it shows the depth of love you have for your nan (and she no doubt had for you), and I personally would love to know that someone loved me that much!
When some time has passed you could do something in her memory, plant some flowers she liked, visit somewhere she loved, and say your own special goodbye.
I'll be thinking of you.
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Hi Goody
I saw a TV programme (on UK television) where they dealt with this problem. The insomniac (Dominik Diamond) had to only go in bedroom to sleep. To start with he had to stay up until 2am and then go to bed and get up at 6am (I think) even if asleep (?alarm clock?). He did this for at least 2 weeks on programme, he found it very hard at start but by end he was sleeping 6 hours a night.
I felt this make good sense. Laying in bed 'trying' to go to sleep just does not work, so take pressure off and 'try' to sleep for less time.
May be worth a try - better than taking medication, if your situation allows you to try this.
Good luck.
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My eldest son with AS has never been particularly interested or curious about death, only conception and birth (
)!My youngest son is pretty much obsessed with evilness, hell, devils
, baddies, etc. He always plays the evil side in video games wherever possible. He thinks it's 'funny' when someone is hurt or killed in programmes or books. His favourite books are ones where the main characters die! He asks many questions of us about death, dying, afterlife, etc.Personally I think it is a case of him protesting too much - he's really a sweet, caring and extremely sensitive child
, who is desperately trying not to be!! Also he is trying really hard to work things out in his head, life, the universe and everything. Death is a big part of that and we have had 4 family deaths in 5 years, so it is not surprising that he would think a lot about it.I have found that if I make a big issue of it, he does it more.
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Do you have a favourite word or even a word you have made up yourself?My longterm favourite word is Harmony.
My flavour of the month is Oblomovism.
Hi
My favourite word is grovel - not the meaning, just the word. It sounds like a little maggot or grub (to me anyway!!).
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Hi smiley1590
So sorry to hear things are still going badly.
Personally I think sometimes when someone is very ill, the people around them are badly affected because we feel so unable to help or have any control over what is happening.
I really feel for you.
When my mother-in-law had to go into a care home she was very happy there and enjoyed the company. We were very fortunate, and it made her last couple of years better for her and us.
I am thinking of you and sending you big hugs
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I tried her again with the drinks in the crate but she wasn't able to put two of each bottle and carton in the crates.In the afternoon we were stamping the school name on new text books and my pupil said that she really liked doing that. So thats positive.
The second task is a very simple straightforward process, involving only one step. The first one is a little more complex, isn't it? It might be best to concentrate on the most straightforward and concrete of tasks for her. My son used to like tidying the shelves in the chemist (when I was shopping in there - they loved us coming in!). He would make sure all the matching hair bands were together, etc. Perhaps she could be found somewhere to do this? This way she wouldn't really have to deal with customers (strangers) and it is a very orderly thing to do which may suit her.
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Hi Mumble
I never went to Uni. I started doing Biology A-level but had eye trouble and had to give up, but to be honest by then I had already realised there was far more work involved than I had thought! You are amazing doing what you are doing.
They should be doing much more to help you, after all it's not much to ask to have written instructions of what work is required.My son got very behind with his coursework in his first year of GCSEs because he was just given it and left to it. He didn't know which was most important/urgent to do, so he did what he wanted to do first and then found he had got really behind with the stuff that should have been done first! A bit of help with organisation and planning should not be an impossible request to a teacher/tutor, but alas often it does seem to be.
I would think that you should be able to get extra time to produce coursework (if you know you have to do it of course !!). Is there an advocacy service in your area? Our local one is called Speakeasy Advocacy and they help people on the autistic spectrum, and provide a 'voice' for people to help explain and sort things out. I hope there are services like this elsewhere around the country.
You have to do what is best for you. If that is giving up the course then do not feel you have failed. You would be making the right decision for your health and wellbeing - and that is the most important thing. If continuing the course is what you really want to do, perhaps you could print out some of your posts about your difficulties at uni and show them to your doctor. They may be able to write to the uni explaining what help you need and that it is important you get this help to keep you well.
Thinking of you.
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How is it that having worked o hard with him to get him to go out and he id it succesfully that he can nolonger do it.? Is it just the hormones or the hormones and ASD combined.My DS now will not een listen to what I have to say ort hink about going any where he just ays no, gets in a mood and hides.
This is how my son was when he was very depressed. Depression can increase anxiety as well (and probably vice versa). If he's not sleeping this could be likely to affect his mood as well. He is probably just 'protecting himself' in the only way he can, by controlling his life by staying at home. We have gone against professional advice and given Aj the time to get better on his own, rather than 'forcing' him to do things. Taking the pressure off to do things has definitely helped him and the psychologist has been surprised at the changes he has made on his own since the pressure has been taken off. It's a risky strategy but it seems to be working in our case. In my experience, it's important that you listen to your instincts (which is difficult when the professionals are saying to do opposite things). You know your child better than anyone else. Listen to other people's advice and really think about whether you think the advice is right for your son or not.
Hormones: OK so I need to brace myself for the next few years !!!!
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Hi Diane
As I understand it, high functioning does not actually mean they have a high (ie higher than average) level of functioning, just a high level compared to classic autism. They can still have great difficulties.
Having one son with straightforward Asperger's Syndrome, and another son with traits of Autistic Spectrum plus Severe Anxiety, I know that the anxiety is the hardest thing to deal with. I can 'get into the mindset' of my son with Asperger's, but I find it very difficult to understand and stay patient with my anxious son. It is so frustrating when you know they really want to do something but the anxiety is stopping them. I also feel sometimes when you tell other people your child suffers from anxiety, they think 'oh they worry too much, but they can get over that', but it really is just not that easy.
I have recently had a crisis, feeling I was pathetic and useless for not being able to help my son, so I do sympathise. It is very demanding and stressful living with someone with a level of anxiety that stops them doing even the things they want to.
My son is improving a bit now. He was very very depressed (even more than we had realised), and now his mood has lifted he is starting to be able to tackle some of his smaller anxieties. I finally feel that there is a glimmer of hope, although he is just coming up 13 so I don't know what effect hormones will have when they kick in!!
Look after yourself so you are able to look after him.
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Hi Rikstar
What a very fortunate brother you have, having you as a brother !
Not all parents go full steam ahead for diagnosis/help. I have come across parents who refuse to accept there is anything 'wrong' with their child and try to plough on as if everything is OK, and everything is always someone else's fault. Presumably the people who post on here are likely to be the more proactive ones who are not 'in denial'.
It must be very frustrating to feel you have to take all the responsibility but, and I hope you don't mind me saying this, you may be winding yourself up and spending a lot of time and energy trying to get your parents involved when you may not be able to change them or their minds. If you could find a way of accepting their stance (or lack of) you may find it less stressful.
You haven't given much information about your brother and what difficulties he has, but there are organisations like The Shaw Trust who help people get into work, and there are some supported housing schemes, but I suspect these all have to be accessed via your brother's doctor in the first instance and then through the Mental Health Services (apparently in law ASDs are classed as mental illness
). Adults can be assessed and diagnosed at the Maudsley Hospital in London so you could ask his doctor about a referral there, but you may need to be extremely clear and definite about how serious and life restricting his difficulties are (if they are), and what effect this has on his quality of life, and importantly how this impacts on your parents. Getting some support in place before your parents start struggling with ill health etc seems to me to be a very good idea, otherwise you may find yourself having even more responsibility for him which could negatively affect your relationship with him.Well done and best of luck.
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I've put these 4 quotes together because they're all pretty much the same - the message being, just go out and make friends.
If only it were that easy. Reading things like this makes me feel worthless and I'm sure it has the same impact on some other people. If it were a case of simply going out and joining a volunteering group or a social group or a club, do you not think we would have done it? It's not a case of not knowing these opportunities - on my board above where I'm sitting I have details of a climbing club, a chess club, a canoe club, three different volunteering opportunities - I've got all the details of each, I know where they are, when they are, what I need to take, I've even been to the door of two of the clubs and I've observed volunteers from a distance whilst I've cried. I'd give anything 'just' to be able to go and 'take the risk'. It's not about knowing what the options are; it's about being able to do them, and the more that people suggest this club or that or this volunteering opportunity to me and the more I try to explain this absolute terror that physically stops me going and the fear I have before trying to go to one and then the awful feeling after I fail, the more stupid and alone I feel. I wish I could just go so even one of these clubs, I feel really alone not having any friends and not knowing anyone at uni, but it's not a case of knowing about opportunities; it's about being supported to take up these opportunities and saying like 'nothing ventured, nothing gained' are not supportive.Hi Mumble
I accept your point about how difficult you find it to even go into a club of any sort. I was offering the advice with reference to ASD, ie. that if people can find the sort of club with other individual people, it might be easier than, say, going to a nightclub (something I absolutely hated!). I don't know if dekaspace knows what different things are out there, so was only offering the information based on my personal experiences, and also hopefully offering an example of how life can change when it had seemed so bleak at one time.
If dekaspace has the crippling anxiety that you have then of course it does make everything that much more difficult. My son is only 12 but anxiety has stopped him going to school for almost a year now. He has even been unable to do things he enjoyed doing before. So I do have the greatest sympathy for anyone suffering from anxiety (and depression). As far as I can tell from what I have read and heard about, Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) is recommended for anxiety, but I know it does not work for everyone and is not suitable for everybody.
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Hi dekaspace
I remember being very very lonely after college. I was living in a shared house and working shifts. I didn't really get on with people at work, and I had no friends from school. Fashionable clothes never suited me and my hair has never co-operated with any fashion 'styles'. My lifesaver was 18 Plus which was a social group for 18-30 age group, not sure if they're still going now, they were linking up with the Young Farmers groups a few years ago. They ran discos and sporting events with other groups around the country, and a weekly meeting locally. Although I enjoyed going and got on well with people there, I didn't make any lifelong friends, but I did meet my husband, as he was a member of a group in another town and we met at many of the joint events.
My husband does wargaming and the guys he has met through that are different, interesting and intelligent. People make fun of him at work sometimes, 'playing with toy soldiers', but it is a very sociable, tactical and fun thing to do. Many of them end up working in connection with wargaming, making the figures or painting them etc. My husband has learned so much about the Napoleonic Wars for wargaming, he has finally shown his intellectual potential which he never fulfilled at school.
I know what you mean about falling through the cracks. I took an overdose at 17 and had postnatal depression in 1993, but had no support and only received medication in 2004. I have only just now got a referral to the Mental Health Team.
All I can say is I never thought that at 45 years of age I would be married, with 2 beautiful children and living in our own house. Life can change for the better, you just need to keep going and keep looking for those opportunities which suit you and your personality and enable you to enjoy life more and make a few select friends.
Good luck. Thinking of you.
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The article is very interesting. The more famous people speak out about this the more awareness will be raised.
On The Big Questions on BBC1 on Sunday, they were discussing the issue of providing information on suicide, and Ann Clarke (I think she's a journalist) explained how her son has Asperger's and wanted to kill himself when he was 10, because in his mind 'it was the logical thing to do because he didn't fit into this world'
. She said she had told him a quote "It is wrong to kill, whether it is yourself or someone else", and fortunately he appears to have taken that literally and had told her a few months ago how much the quote impacted on him. -
Salbaggio
My 15-year-old, when he started infant school, was EXTREMELY slow writing and it turned out he was trying to get all the up strokes (as on d) and all the down strokes (as on p) exactly the same length. Someone else mentioned being frightened of making mistakes, which could be in the content of what they are writing, but also in the formation of the letters and words.
My 12-year-old, when he started infant school, had lovely neat writing but didn't put in vowels or spaces. Extremely difficult to read!!!
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I do not post often about how well Ben is doing.I feel embarassed and do not like to make a big deal of it.Karen
Personally, I want to hear about children who are doing well as this can give me hope when I am finding things difficult with my own children. Sometimes it is very difficult to imagine things (ie their lives) improving, so hearing that they have changed for others can be inspirational.
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I'm just having another rant and to give an update of what happened regarding ds and a teacher he was having problems with; just to say she never did return my call so today I went to speak to the SENCo as the head of studies has not yet got back to me as whether or not ds can move lessons. SENCO although very busy and was rushing the meeting as she always does; did explain that she had investigated and was told there wasn't a problem but that said she felt that there may still have been a problem for ds.She has arranged for him to catch up in the library on a one to one basis with a TA until the end of the school year when in September he will go into a differant group and will no longer be with this particular tutor. So problem solved.I was very hard to watch him making himself ill at the thought of another lesson with her. Hopfully his life will be a bit easier now.
Well done alexmum
Sounds like a good result and will hopefully stop problem getting worse.
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This would mean a child could write for hours on a subject of his own choosing but would struggle to focus sufficiently on something that didn't interest him, which would obviously affect output.This can be an important point, as it can appear to the teacher that a child is 'choosing' what they do and or don't do, ie. just 'not bothering'. This is very difficult to get some people to understand and appreciate !!
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My 2 sons rarely want anything different. I've bought countless items of clothing (even 'very similar' to what they had), only to have to take them back. I don't bother unless they are with me now.
Mostly they each wear only one outfit all the time. I have to wash and dry them while they are in their pyjamas.
My eldest had about 6 pairs of the very same Clarks shoes, until they stopped doing that style
. He has now, at 15-years-old asked to go and buy clothes for college, he said he will need 'lots' of clothes. Not quite sure how many that will mean, but it appears to be progress! With the last pair of trousers and shorts he bought, we got the size he needed and the next size up, so that should delay the stress for a while. BTW he expects me to 'mend' his trousers even when the fabric has all frayed away and if you bring the material together they end up a peculiar shape (and then he's not happy cos it's not smooth ). He grew out of his hoodie about 2 years ago but still wears it, but does want a new one for college.Good luck is all I can say !!
Asperger's Traits OR Manipulation ?
in Help and Advice
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Hi Magenpie
Firstly being a step-parent is a difficult job anyway
All I can do is tell you my personal experience with my 15-year-old.
Money: This means nothing to him. Yes he likes to buy things but doesn't seem bothered if he doesn't have the money to do so. He wanted Guitar Hero World Tour when it came out and we couldn't afford to buy it for him. He could easily have been saving his pocket money towards it, but instead his pocket money gets put randomly on a shelf in his room and he only uses some of it if his dad takes him to a wargames fair. He never asks for his pocket money if I forget. It doesn't even occur to him to save up and then go down town and get what he wants! There is something quite charming about this attitude, as compared to his younger brother who is mercenary to the point he would probably sell ME for a modest amount of money
and who tries to charge me a £1 for each week I'm late with pocket money 
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'Boxes': Everything in his mind is in 'boxes'. He has now left school and will be going to college in Sept. His dad has been on at him to look for a job. To him, you go to school, then you go to college, THEN you go to work (and not before). Obviously this lad is older, but maybe in his mind he hasn't followed the 'correct' pathway or something. They do see things very differently and cannot always verbalise their thought processes (they can think that we all think that way and should know).
Personal hygiene: After about 2-3 years of 'stinking' my son has now finally explained that he doesn't like showering because he doesn't like our shower. It is noisy, very difficult to turn on and off and leaks. He 'can't be bothered with it'. We are in the process of getting the shower replaced, it remains to be seen if it will make the hoped for difference, but we'll all benefit from a much nicer and easier to use shower (fortunately we have the money to do it at the moment).
Hurtful comments: This point is more relevant to my youngest son. He can be very resistant, oppositional and will resort to verbal/physical abuse if put under enough pressure. This is an emotional reaction to protect himself from something he really cannot face doing. Believe me, my son is not just not bothered and lazy, he is forcefully protecting himself from unbearable situations. Could it possibly be that he cannot face the social demands that working can involve? Let's face it, most of us dread interviews, and get extremely nervous starting a new job. There are a lot of unknowns involved which my 15-year-old particularly would find more than disconcerting. If I had a phobia to crane flys (flies?), I wouldn't want someone expecting me to hold one (a phobia to crane flys - that would be silly, wouldn't it?
) It can be extremely difficult to get my son in the right frame of mind, wanting to do something, feeling confident about it, and prepared to give it a go. I cannot tell him exactly what will happen or what it will be like, which leaves those 'unknowns' that bother him.
Laziness: OK, I know other people think you should lay the law down and not tolerate bad attitude and misbehaviour, and with a 'normal' child/person I wholeheartedly agree, and of course you do need to consider the possibility that he is just taking the mickey. However, if this approach is not working and causing more confrontation and misery for all involved, I personally think it may be worth stepping back and trying to look at the situation differently. It may not be that they 'want' to be lazy. It may be possible to find something they can enjoy doing and will want to do. Does he have a hobby or interest? If he likes computer games, has he tried wargaming? This is slightly more sociable and quite intellectually involving - learning about history, tactics, strategy etc. There are wargaming clubs around the country. Will he go away on holiday and go out for days then? Is it that he has to have something sufficiently motivating to get him out of the house and doing something. What could that possibly be - a difficult question potentially!! We asked my son to wash up a plate one day and he burst into tears! It was because it came out of the blue and was a shock. If he has warning, yes he will moan and groan, but he will do it.
Bereavement: I realise 15 years seems a long time, but he was presumably 9 when he lost his mum. My niece was 12 when she lost hers and the Kinship worker who supported us when she lived with us at 15 (having done drugs, been in a children's home and foster care, and being thrown out of her cousin's home), said that it is very common for their normal development to be disrupted. My niece comes across as dyslexic due to the disruption to her education. She is 18 this week and she still has not grieved. It is like it happened to someone else, but she is constantly looking for something that doesn't exist. She cannot hold a job down or settle in one place, and makes very bad choices of friends and boyfriends. She still tries to push us away because she doesn't want to care about people because she might lose them, like she lost her mum. She also thinks it is somehow her fault her mum died and that she hasn't had a successful life since, and therefore doesn't feel 'worthy' of a normal settled and successful life.
To find out if any of the above is playing a part in this situation, you may need to be very indirect in your approach. I find casual chatting (when he's in responsive mood) about related things works better than asking direct (possibly accusatory) questions. Getting on at him and arguments could just make him feel worse about himself, if that is an underlying issue.
I don't envy you at all and wish you well.