Mandapanda
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Posts posted by Mandapanda
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Hi
The other post Karen mentioned has some good ideas.
With my eldest son it is the process of getting things out of his head onto paper that has been the difficult bit. He has always had the ideas and knowledge, but couldn't organise those thoughts. He couldn't pick out the most important points, and if you think all the information is important it can seem an insurmountable task to write it all down. He also didn't really know how to start, continue or finish, IYSWIM! This has got better as he has got older. I found that talking generally about a subject and pointing out the most relevant points helped him. To me, it's a bit like trying to follow a recipe without a picture of the intended end result. If he doesn't know what he is trying to achieve it can be very difficult. Also my son has developed his own unique way of holding a pencil/pen and now the actual neatness of his writing has improved.
He also used to be easily distracted, not necessarily by other people but by his own mind! I would say he had a hyperactive mind, he would be constantly taking in everything around him, every little detail. He works better when the class is laid out in rows (old fashioned style!), or with his table facing away from the rest of the class.
My eldest son was at school almost a year before we found out he was very short sighted. Because of this he used to have to get up close to the board, or appeared to run off on school trips, but he was just trying to see things. My youngest son found it difficult to concentrate in class because of hearing problems, and was better when he sat nearer the teacher and where he could see her face.
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I agree with baddad.
Also, maybe your son would be better in a small group rather than with a whole class, whenever possible. Do they do some sort of social skills group at school, my son enjoyed it when he did that in a small group (it also got him out of a lesson he particularly didn't like).
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I don't post that often. I come here for support and have found a lot over the years. I have to say I'm quite upset by what appears to be an underlying current of criticism. None or perhaps I should say few of us are experts on autism and aspergers. Most who post have a child diagnosed or awaiting diagnosis or are diagnosed themselves. I agree not everyone has asd or asd traits. If someone thinks that there child may have it then there is likely to be an issue somewhere - whether it is asd or not. I agree that we shouldnt self diagnose but sometimes I get this feeling that some almost have the approach - well I'm in the club but I don't want everyone to join. These little comments every now and then just upset me. I can recall knowing that my son was different and feeling scared of admitting it. Posting sometimes takes a lot of guts.I will now get off my high horse and hope that I haven't upset anyone.
I only recently found this forum 8 years after my eldest son was diagnosed. However, I knew he had Asperger's before he was diagnosed. His best friend at the time had Asperger's and I had never heard of it. When his mum mentioned it I looked into it and was surprised to find a perfect description of my son! He has had two reports done, a few years apart, both confirming that he does have all the characteristics of Asperger's.
With my youngest son he does not totally fit the description of any one condition, so I couldn't possibly decide for myself what he has. Other people's posts reflect aspects of my son's behaviour and difficulties, so even without a diagnosis it is very useful for hints, tips, ideas and information, and sometimes some straightforward sympathy. Thanks to everybody !!
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I have been with my pupil for 4 years and she still has a mental age of around 10yrs although she has matured physically (14yrs)She has lots of positive qualities and abilities but isn't able to follow basic instructions without constant prompting and encouragement. Has no sense of time or urgency, will wander off with anyone who speaks nicely to her, does not understand money values, isn't allowed to go shopping on her own, has no road sense, will only use a computer to look at rap singers, will run about flapping and pacing when given unstructured time.
At the risk of upsetting lots of people, do you think her mother may have unrealistic expectations? It sounds to me, in my personal opinion, based on the above information, that she shouldn't be doing work experience at this stage.
My son did work experience at a secondary school (not the one he attended), and they were brilliant with him. However, he is not as severely affected as this girl sounds.
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Its his last day today................hes done that well that theyve said he can go back againe and do two weeks there later on in the year.Hes realy enjoyed it and has announced he wants to be a labourer hes enjoyed the physical work and made a freind who he says is funny.the weeks got easier as its gone on and his tantruming on an evening has stopped everything all settled as it comes to an end.................typical.Well done to you both - it can be a rollercoaster but it sounds like he'll come away with a good experience and some good memories, and potential for the future. Brilliant.
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I didn't say that people who are rude and blunt are autistic. The sentences weren't meant to be related - that proves my point that typed words can be misinterpreted. Sorry to you and to BID.Bid, please see my above post, where I tried to explain as best I could.
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Just made me feel so proud and humble that my young son was takeing all this heart ache and worry on his own shoulders because he didn't want to complain too much to me and appear as a nusisance. I have told him he could never ever be that to me, and that i am here always for him.They are our 'brave little soldiers' sometimes, aren't they?
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J already has a huge difficulty seperating reality and fantasy, so I understand your point, the thing is I like to discuss openenly with J why he enjoys the game and it is the same points you have described, its a whole new world is what he said, and its brilliant is how he ended the sentences.Hi J's mum
If J likes 'whole new worlds' he might like games like Morrowind on PC. My eldest son loves wandering around that world. There are also totally non-violent games like Schizm and Schizm 2 which have complex puzzles in too (we had to use a walkthrough for Schizm, but it was still fun, Schizm 2's puzzles are a bit more logical). There are Hot Wheels games for Playstation 2 where you can just drive around, or the Simpsons games where you can be destructive but it is not as unsuitable as GTA. The Lego games are brilliant fun - both Star Wars and Indiana Jones, when you 'kill' a character they break up into little lego bricks.
Games my youngest son likes are Warhammer 40,000 Dawn of War, Titan Quest (very mythological!), Lord of the Rings games and Star Wars games.
It does very much depend on the child. My 12 year old watched Aliens yesterday and was absolutely fine. He's fully aware it is not real and is only a film and people are dressed up/made up to look like that. It terrified me when I watched it - but then I had nightmares after watching the Hound of the Baskervilles
.I did find when my 12 year old was very down, he went on the computer to 'escape' and was very obsessive and irritable. Now his mood is better he is choosing to go on the computer less and comes off no problem. So it may just be a phase that will pass.
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Hi Diane
My son wouldn't take meds even if offered them. I am not sure they would bring about any major changes, but I don't know.
I sympathise with your feelings about your friends' children and recognition. My son has never even had a picture on the wall at school. He used to get certificates for things like 'trying to finish a piece of work'. This meant nothing to him as, to him, you either finish it or you don't and he knew he hadn't finished it! I used to sit in assemblies with my eyes filled with tears as other children sat still, read things out, acted etc, and my son sat there fidgeting and waving at me (bless him!
). But, you know what, now he's 15 I am far more proud of him than those parents probably were then. He has achieved so much and grown up so much. Having a child with 'straightforward' Asperger's and one with anxiety and depression, I personally would choose Asperger's any day! Anxiety and depression on top of an ASD is extremely difficult to live with.
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Hi, Thanks for your replies.....after ordering a new kit from the school website, Camerons PE kit mysteriously turned up on his peg upon arrival at school today!!!!I do think maybe the idea of taking his kit in on the day he needs it would be good, but having said that, its hard enough for him to remember to bring his lunchbox out with him at hometime!
I found an interesting article online yesterday on teaching strategies for children with Aspergers, www.asperger-syndrome.me.uk/teaching.htm
I have printed it up to give to DS's teacher, Im not sure whether it will be appreciated but I dont know what else to do, I know she doesnt like my son, and has made no effort to understand Aspergers. When Cameron first started in the class the teacher asked me how should she teach him, because she had never taught a child like him before.
I felt so stupid for not being able to give her an answer, but its all new to me too, what I do know is you only have to google Aspergers, and there is so much information. I really feel that if I were a teacher I would definately do my own research.
Having spoken to my friend and my sister who are both teachers, I know this isnt too much to ask.
Oh Gem, how annoying that must have been !!
Still, at least you've spares for next time I know what you mean about the remembering to bring stuff out again. Hopefully this will get better with time, it did with my son.
When my eldest was at Junior School I bought several books, some involved ones and some 'dip in-dip out' books about Asperger's children in the classroom, with hints and tips and strategies for teachers. They seemed grateful when I gave them in, but months later denied ever having received any
Don't you despair when teachers don't have a clue and don't even seem interested in finding out? The SENCO said they didn't even get training for dyslexia, let alone Asperger's (not sure if this was true - she was a 'funny' woman). -
Hi szxmum
I really feel for you. The difference between people's reactions/responses before and after diagnoses can be totally infuriating!!
What makes me really sad is that none of us can 'break the mould'. Each and every one of us has to go through this battle for ourselves. We are not 'paving the way' for others to access diagnoses easier because those that follow us will still have exactly the same problems.
I hope that 'talking freely' will also mean they will take some action to help and support you. I found it a very mixed emotional time at diagnosis even though I expected it. Give it a while and it will all settle down.
Thinking of you.
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My youngest who is 12 has grown out of most of the CBBC and CITV programmes. He likes factual adult programmes (eg about natural history, dinosaurs, etc), but not soaps or Big Brother type progs. We only have terrestrial and Freeview. He likes Brainiac on Sky3 and Top Gear which is on BBC2 and repeated on Dave. He loves Heroes and is following the complex story better than me!! He has watched almost every DVD in the house and local library. -
Hi Mel
I do feel for you, especially as your son actually had this friendship and has now lost it. I have observed changes in the friendship groups at this sort of age anyway though.
My son wanted to be friends with a boy a couple of years ago, but another friend of that boy didn't like my son and constantly told him not to be friendly to my son. At one point he did come round to our house and he was a nice lad but he had a very unsettled home life and spent half of his time living elsewhere. The visit seemed to go OK but he never came again. My son was very disappointed.
The friend of the other boy recently invited my son to go Go-Karting with him and his friends, but I made sure he forgot about it as I suspected they had invited him to pick on him. (I hope I wasn't wrong and blew his chance of a new friend
)Maybe other boys have said something to your son's friend about being friends with him? Teenagers can be extra critical of different people who don't fit in with their crowd. I have found my son gravitates towards the rock music/wargaming variety of boys and they seem to all be 'individuals' who don't follow the crowd.
My son's best friend moved to the other end of the country last October but he keeps in touch by MSN messenger and seems OK with that fortunately.
I imagine it's a shock for both of you at the moment, hopefully this will ease as time goes on.
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I don't think the problem is with the idea that people with autism perceive/understand things differently, but with the idea that if someone comes across as rude it probably means they're autistic!Hi baddad
I didn't say that people who are rude and blunt are autistic. The sentences weren't meant to be related - that proves my point that typed words can be misinterpreted. Sorry to you and to BID.
My other point is that I have no problem with people who give a totally different or opposite point of view (and indeed I value those views), just that sometimes the wording can come across as being critical of what I/we are or are not doing in the relevant situation. Sometimes other people seem annoyed when I don't agree with them - like they're stating a fact so I should agree. I can be very pedantic about wording (even though I am perfectly capable of getting it all wrong myself) and it does cause problems between me and other people from time to time. When I recently was offended by your reply to my post I was on the verge of a breakdown, so probably took it more personally than I should have done. At the time I felt I was being attacked by a few people and didn't think I would come on the forum again. But it has proved invaluable for suggestions on the right people to contact to access support and procedures for applying for statements etc. The discipline type issues are a much more subjective and emotional area.
My children have never been allowed to use AS as an excuse for bad behaviour and I have never used that 'excuse' to other people. But, if you follow the same 'behaviour training system' with all children you probably will not get the same results with all of them. Therefore, just because a method or idea has worked with other children doesn't mean I (or anyone else) should 'accept' that it would work with mine. Children (and adults) with ASDs vary and their inherent personalities vary too, leading to an infinite variety of combinations and therefore, potentially, a variety of possible solutions. I must say I have found dealing with a child who suffers from severe anxiety and depression on top of ASD is a very different kettle of fish to dealing with a child with 'straightforward' Asperger's.
So basically, I don't expect you to always agree with me, but don't expect me to always agree with you either!! But I think some of us (including me) might just be proving madme's point!!!
(NB: The views/comments expressed above are solely attributable to myself and not any organisation, group or other individual. They are my personal opinions based on my own personal experience and thinking and may not be appropriate to any other situation or individual.)
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My 9 year old son has Aspergers and is pretty prone to losing things and forgetting things e.t.c, I was confronted by his teacher yesterday to say that DS has not done PE for 2 weeks now because he has lost his kit. So thats tracksuit bottom, shorts, school t shirt and pumps disappeared into thin air!!!!!I asked her if I could look for them because they are all clearly labelled and must be somewhere in the school, to which the teacher replied that maybe DS would tell me where he has hidden them because he is only doing it to get out of PE!!
Now I am fully aware of my sons dislike for PE but when I asked him if he had hidden his kit he got very upset and said he would rather be doing PE, because watching everyone is so boring.
My sons teacher told us at the parents evening that she believes that our son is 'playing' on his Aspergers, what does that mean?????
Feeling very disappointed as DS is doing really well in school at the moment and has met some lovely friends, so as a lot of the time he seems 'normal' to his teacher she seems to forget his diagnosis, and when he has a meltdown he is accused of playing on his Aspergers!!
Should I talk to the head? They always seem to close ranks whenever I have tried to discuss any dubious teaching methods!
Anyway, I feel better now I have aired my annoyance!!!
I have had experience like this. My eldest son used to lose his PE kit regularly. He used to be made to put on horrible, smelly stuff from the lost property box, so he certainly wouldn't have deliberately put himself in the position of having to do that !! It gets very expensive when his trainers are in there as well. He's now 15 and much better at being organised, probably for the past 3 years or more. In Junior school his teacher said she felt like he was doing things to make her angry, I had to point out that in my son's case he had no concept of any ability to affect someone's emotions. I'm not sure if he even realised, at that time, that other people had any emotions, or at least different emotions to his. Many children will do things to provoke a reaction but my son just was not capable of that. He would purely react emotionally to situations. He wouldn't know why he was doing something and he certainly wasn't doing it to upset anyone else.
Maybe you could find out when PE is and only take his kit in on that day and take it home at the end of that day (maybe the teacher could look after it - could other children be hiding it to wind him up)?
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Apologies to all those I have offended. I am obviously one of those people who doesn't word things very well!!
However... you can't claim that people with autism understand and perceives things differently and then object when I say that - surely?????
(NB: I have 'previous' when it comes to making assumptions. I used to belong to MENSA. I thought when I met up with other members that we would all think the same way because we were all 'intelligent'. How wrong I was!!)
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Hi szxmum
My mother-in-law used to say "I don't know what your problem is, I think he's lovely!!" She also used to say "we weren't allowed to have allergies in my day"
I had the SENCO at the Junior school suggest I watch A Beautiful Life with Russell Crowe. He plays a man with Schizophrenia - I'm not sure if she was saying my son had Schizophrenia or that I might have it!!
I found the film rather distressing, especially when it was revealed that his best friend wasn't real. 
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Hi madme
I try to keep in mind that at least some of the parents posting on here will at least have some traits of ASD and therefore may think rather differently. Also typing on a computer conveys no emotion (either compassion or hostility) and can easily be misinterpreted. If someone is rude or blunt or appears to be questioning or criticising something I am doing, I'm afraid I just think "Perhaps they don't mean it like it sounds".
There are plenty of people on here who are very caring, kind and offer very helpful points of view, ideas and suggestions, but are also better at wording it in a kind and caring way!!
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Hi alexmum
Re baddad: Try not to take it too personally. I have done this myself before. He appears to be very concrete in his thinking and maybe he comes across much better in person! It is useful to have different points of view even if you don't agree with them. (I am standing up for you baddad, honest!
)We have had 2 serious situations with 2 different teachers:
1. When Mj started infant school, his teacher seemed to take a dislike to him at the 'visits' before he even started there properly. The children went in for a story in her classroom and Mj was sat near some open front drawers and was looking in them whilst he was listening. I whispered across to him to sit still and listen and she said "Oh don't worry, I'm keeping my eye on him". When he was actually in her class he would get told off for tidying up for the other children, looking at books or the computer (when he should have been doing something else), and we were told "Why can't your son comply when the rest of the class can?". At playtime once he went back into the classroom to look at the computer. She said he was "putting himself in danger" - as if a 4 year old would somehow be aware of this - it turned out that she and the classroom assistant and BOTH gone round to the toy store and were handing out toys for the children to take back to the playround outside the classroom and they couldn't see the playground/classroom from there, so the children were unsupervised.
The day I went in to tell her he had been diagnosed with glue ear I witnessed her mis-hear what he said to her and she accused him of listening to our conversation when we had stood the other side of a noisy classroom from where he was!!!!!
The headteacher totally backed the teacher and they made me feel like I had the naughtiest child in the world, other parents would look at us and snigger and whisper so she obviously talked to them about us. In assembly he got up when the wrong class number was called out and got told off, when the right class number was called out he didn't know whether to get up or not and got told off for not getting up!!! One day I was spoken to as he had been throwing books. It turned out he was only copying what another child was doing, but the other child was aware of the teacher coming in and stopped and my son was his usual oblivious self and carried on. After she had given her version of events to the Ed Psych (without him seeing my son), who told her he was bright and needed to be 'stretched' they FORCED him to choose a second reading book by dragging him round each classroom in turn and trying to make him choose another book. Needless to say I ended up moving him to another school. The first week there he had his toy confiscated because he refused to put his coat on for playtime, but he was fine about it because the new teacher had explained what he'd done wrong, why it was wrong and what would happen. All children benefit from clear explanations, I don't know why some teachers simply refuse to do this.2. Mj did not like a teacher at Junior School. We tried several times to explain that he might be misunderstanding what the teacher was doing/saying. This teacher had a very deep voice and my son thought he was cross all the time. He would also say as he was coming into the classroom "Right open your books and start work" and this would make my son panic and feel rushed. We had a meeting with the teacher and he 'explained away' my sons concerns and was so lovely and we were both taken in by him. He was also verbally supportive when we said Mj had had some trouble with a certain girl and said we could believe what Mj was saying as she was like that. Then one day another child came and told me that the teacher had been horrible to Mj and had made snide remarks about something that was very hurtful to my son. Later I heard that a girl had a broken arm in plaster and he had got cross with her and grabbed the girl's arm and twisted it and made comments about her making up that it was broken. He left the school shortly after this incident. After that many parents related stories where he had been nasty and bullying towards their children. We should have believed our son. Okay your son may be misunderstanding/misinterpreting but do you want to take that chance?
Unfortunately not all teachers are wonderful, selfless individuals. In my experience, if they are just doing it as a job they are often likely to have even less patience with 'different' children, and to have their favourites. Just to say Mj had the most perfect, wonderful teacher ever in Year 2 of Infant School, Mrs Dorothy Lane.
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Hi Maria
Not having a diagnosis doesn't make it go away (as you obviously realise now!).
My boys used to get on really well, play Pokemon together and other stuff, but when my youngest was very depressed and stressed we had a very long period when he was really nasty to his brother. He would say it would be better if Mj was dead, that he wanted to kill him, etc. Mj found this very distressing and was understandably rude back. Now that Aw's mood has improved they are getting on much better, and even when they have an argument it is not the end of their communicating for ages as it would have been at one time. Aw's depressed mood had a huge impact on his relationship with his brother and it is really good to see it improving now.
Aw is 12 and also has severe anxiety and very low self-esteem. Does your daughter's school run social skills groups? Aw enjoyed doing these at his school as it was with a small group of boys his age. Her hormones may be starting to kick in now. You may need to make sure she's getting enough support to help with the transition to secondary school when the time comes. My son was looking forward to going to secondary school but after half a term he started not wanting to go. He is a quiet child who tries not to draw attention to himself, so he was not 'picked up' as having problems.
All children go through phases and change as they grow up. I used to find that just when I couldn't cope anymore and would go to the doctor's to try and get help, things would change anyway. Hope things settle down for you.
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Find it difficult to fill in the poll as we are waiting to see what happens with ds1. He's classed as a school refuser due to high levels of anxiety.He has missed odd days, sessions and more recently larger chunks of time but no more than a week. However, he's now not been in school since a week and a half before the Easter holidays. We've just had a meeting (this morning) to discuss what happens next and it looks like he will be getting some home tuition.
Hi 2pink2blue
After holidays is a difficult time anyway, isn't it? If I was you I would push for some sessions in a quiet room at the school if you can still get him there. Does his school run social skills groups or something similar. My son enjoyed sessions like that as it was in a small group situation. If the school can find a way to take the pressure off now, hopefully the situation won't escalate. Maybe he could 'help' in the library or office at lunchtimes/breaktimes etc. I wish my son had had that support in the early days to keep him involved, but nobody realised what was really happening then.
Good luck.
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Hi Suz
Sorry you are having such trouble at the moment.
Your SW may believe (consciously or sub-consciously) that your mum has always done everythng for you and that's why you can't do stuff now. I can see why people can think that, but it is very difficult parenting someone who needs extra help and support. It is very hard to step back as they are growing up, when they are struggling, and all too easy to keep doing everything. You could have a chat with your mum and actually spell out to her that you would like to learn some life skills, shopping, cooking, cleaning. If you also tell your SW, they may be able to refer you to a Support Worker who could help you with these things, with a bit of moral support and encouragement. This has to happen slowly though so you can feel more confident at each step. You may find you feel more content and in control of your life if you can be more independent whilst still living at home.
I agree with the idea of evening classes or perhaps a club (eg such as a local history club), when your mood is better. If you find the right subject, you may well find you get on better with the people interested in similar things to you. My husband and children do wargaming. The other people that do wargaming are interesting individuals like them and they tend to get on well with them.
Depression and anxiety can make you feel very out of control, I speak from personal experience. These do need treating, but also you may need to sort of give in to those feelings and acknowledge that is how you feel. I found that trying to pretend I didn't feel like that only made me worse, now I have acknowledged it I can work on making real, if slow, progress.
Thinking of you.
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I have seen many people saying their children are not or have not attended school, as my son is currently.
I was interested to find out the information in the poll.
If I have not asked the right questions or you have other information to add, please leave your comments. Thanks.
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Another strange problem is that if we have windows or french doors open, she immediately closes them and we can't talk loudly if they are open in case all our neighbours can hear our conversation. She always has her curtains closed as well.My son doesn't want windows/doors open but that's because he doesn't want insects coming in, even flies (though he says he's not scared of them or anything). He has curtains closed and light off all day, and curtains closed and light on all night!
He came to a car boot sale with us yesterday (in a field!!) which was good.
School Phobia/Refusal
in Education
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UPDATE
CAMHS and Social Services have both said the school should be doing a CAF (Common Assessment Framework). I'm not entirely sure but this seems to be a sort of assessment and planning programme involving all relevant parties. Which basically means they'll all have to talk to each other, which they should have been anyway!!
Social Services also said that the school/EWO should be referring us to the Locality Team in order for me to access parental support groups etc. She was not happy that they were not already doing this. She has written to my doctor and the school, saying this.