Hi there Focusfuture,
I haven't posted for some time but what you write is so identical to my own experiences that I had to!
You write: 'I am married to a wonderful guy, although we are now in the process to trying to get a diagnosis for ASD, probably relatively mild end of spectrum, but enough to have brought our relationship to crisis.
We've been together 9 years, married for 5 of them. Throughout that time I have been a bit messed up, with bad mental heatlh, and finally had a breakdown about 2.5years ago, and have been able to work a lot out. DH has been an angel trying to support me in practical ways, but as a suspect aspie, shares the problem of not being able to empathise, understand emotions or read situations very well. This meant that as I was getting better, I have found that I wanted more from our relationship, and previously thinking that his distance was all my fault, I have now realised that it isn't all my fault, and that he too has difficulties.'
I have been with my DH for 7 years and married for 5 and we went through the 'diagnosis' attempt about two years ago with a specialist ASD counsellor. Like your DH, mine is definitely on the mild end of the spectrum but I can totally empathise that that is plenty enough to drive you to distraction and way beyond. Like you I have had the opportunity to 'work things out' over time - even though it took me three years to come to the ASD possibility. In the interim I went from being a successful professional with lots of friends, through a nervous breakdown, depression (more than a bit 'messed up!), medication (which I'm still taking), inability to work and loss of a social life. Don't mean this to look like self-pity by the way! DH is a high-flying professional who is highly intelligent (and work-focussed) and, at least in my opinion, was more than capable of convincing the counsellor that he was perfectly OK because he didn't want to continue that sort of involvement. In private and following tests that we've done together, he does admit that he has some 'traits'!
My DH shines in his work environment but is extremely unsociable and clearly anxious when in social situations - hence the gradual loss of my close friends and wider social circle. I cringe when I think of some of the things he's said and done in the past prior to my ASD awareness and I now take the view that it's safer not to get into that sort of situation, which is very emotionally painful when you've been used to having lots of friends. What has sustained me is that, like you, I love him very much. He is extremely 'caring' - in the sense of looking after me and providing for our home and family. At times there are real flashes of spontaneous affection but these are rare and sometimes it feels almost as if he's pretending and reenacting what he's seen other people do. Hard to explain what I mean but it's the genuineness that seems to come into question? These times are far outweighed by the 'strange' reactions and actions on a daily basis and I think that it was my lack of awareness of ASD in previous years that led to the 'starvation' which you comment on and the inevitable emotional confusion and downward spiral. At least once you have that awareness you can sometimes take a step back or anticipate what's going to happen. For me the big thing has been learning not to blame myself when he does certain things that are not typical behaviour - it's just how he is. I don't know whether you experienced a sense of 'grief' when you realised that ASD might be a possibility? This was a real crisis point for me (about two years ago) because you know that you cannot change him and it seems that all your expectations and hopes disappear. However, in the time since then I have found it useful to appeal to his logic and intelligence and to set time aside to discuss what is the reality and this has really helped. If you can't expect that emotional intuition which most couples share then you have to do something else instead otherwise you end up in a void.
Blimey - getting a bit depressing here! I just wanted to say that there is the proverbial light there. if you'd asked me two years ago then I'd have been willing to throw in the towel and run for the hills. You seem like a very intelligent woman and for me knowledge of the condition has been key to retaining my (near!) sanity. For example - I now know that the Crackberry will NEVER be switched off and that he will always be available to take work-related calls. Remote Maldavian atoll on honeymoon? Sahara desert? 'Romantic' mini-break? All ruined. Now when we go away there are set rules which we've worked out and the situation is much better. Sometimes I can even laugh because he's being so typically 'him'! Also one upside is that DH is incredibly loyal and honest and so at least I'm not exposed to the infidelities and gut-wrenching agony that brought to my previous marriage.
Like you I don't have any close family. I'm an only child and my parents live at the other end of the country and I'm not particularly close to them. At least, through this forum you can realise that you're not the only one out there and I have found it so helpful to read your post.
You are totally right that it's 'nothing you can't cope with'. We're all different and what works for one couple may not work for another but being positive is a key factor. That and sharing with others who can empathise.
I hope it goes well with the GP this evening.
