Hi all, I first posted a couple of months back basically making my introduction. I thought that maybe I could elaborate on my situation, with hope that I can help fellow Aspies and those in care of!
I joined here in a situation where things weren't working out with my partner, basically to get a better understanding of Aspergers. I was diagnosed when I was fifteen, after a long depression spell which ended up in me trying to take my life. Im nearly approaching twenty five now and i would like to share my experience with you all, with aim to show you that us Aspies can excel far above the neurotypical person.
I was never understood at school, infact I was related to the BFG ( Big Friendly Giant ). I was easily led by fellow pupils, I was also a vulnerable target to the little man syndrome. I could be easily picked on because of my size, because I have been six foot four in height since I was thirteen years old. I have allways had an athletic figure, my strength has allways been high and I was part of every team at school ( Rugby, Basketball, Cricket, Football, Athletics, Swimming ). By the time I was fifteen I was being scouted to train with the England rugby squad Junior selection and I was District 75 meter hurdle champion three consecutive years prior to this. I must admit I never understood rugby, I can remember my PE teacher giving me a ball when I was eleven, saying in his geordie accent " You're a big lad, lets see what you can do with this" We started playing and I just froze! One year later, I tried to play after having a better understanding of the game ( still didn't know the rules!! ) I was basically running through people and putting the ball down behind these irregular football posts?? It worked for me, I was quick and strong and with that I started playing alot as an outside school activity.
Laughing note: My final year at middle school and its sports day, im running the two hundred metre sprint and all the family are there to watch me. I start and i'm allready metres ahead of second place. I get to the end feeling overwhelmed with people cheering and my family there and thinking how proud i am, and I trip just before the finish line. The whole school laughed and I wouldn't get up. My mum dragged me accross the finish line. At the time It devestated me, thankfully now I can look back and laugh.
All that being said I would like to explain a little more about being vulnerable during my life at school. Now that i'm 25 I can look back and say, kids will be kids. I think we all realise that at some point, some earlier than others. I was a regular target for people to gain some sort of status amongst thier peer group. I was bullied up to a point, then basic instinct kicks in, so within reason, other people picking on me knew that they had limits. The only problem was, when I was pushed to far and I had to defend myself for my own sake, the aftermath would have such a devastating effect on my personality i just wouldn't know what to do with myself. I would cry and feel down, I wouldn't talk, I would distance myself from everybody and the majority of the time I would blame myself. Questions like: Maybe I am fat and ugly and i deserve this? Maybe my family are weird and I dont fit in with anyone? Maybe I am the laughing stock of the school? Maybe I am stupid? Maybe I am different, Maybe I dont deserve a girl like that? and so on. I can remember countless times, being attracted to other girls at school, that basically wouldn't say hello to me or pretend to like me just to wind me up.
So I was approaching the time to take my GCSE's and I had gone along with the bad crowd, just to try and fit in and I started experimenting with smoking and drinking and other things. I started to get respect and I fealt that little bit better about myself. This had a serious turn for the worst, without any close ones to me realising that I was depressed because I was putting on a brave face, all these things affected my thinking patterns and I made a mistake that cost me my GCSEs and me being expelled from school. This disappointed my parents beyond belief as any parent could imagine. I fealt like such a let down, especially with the academic background I have with my mum & dad. Three months later after serious self harm and attempting to hang myself, I was admitted to hospital and underwent counselling on a regular basis. here i was diagnosed with Aspergers. I was only told that I couldn't deal with emotional situations as well as others and never got a full understanding of Aspergers. No one really talked to me about it, so to me it was just like a bad infection. I'll go into it more later but mum & dad bascially moved us to Scotland in hope that it would just go away.
Now mum & dad, well we've allways been a disfunctional family, I have my sister, who I love dearly as I do with my parents but we've allways done our own things. Mum did the horse riding, Dad fixed his cars and sis was just sis. She's 6 years younger than me, all grown up now and absolutely beautiful. I was allways close to mum, I was and am still a mummys boy. My dad however is a different story, not in a bad way. My dad was allways the man of the house, both parents are still very old fashioned. Dad makes the money, mum looks after us, you get the picture? Its a happy home. I allways looked up to my Dad, difficulties started to happen when my sister was born because suddenly I wasn't getting the attention and Dad was highly focused on my sister as was mum. Note that they did not know I was an Aspie until my mid teens. To this day I still say that my Dad gives the best advice I have ever heard from anyone, I just wasn't that close to him throughout my childhood. I was bought up very different from my sister and Aspergers obviously didn't help me.
I shall continue with this later on, explaining things that have happened since then and where I have come to now