blackhalo

Thanks. I sent my partner a link to the website, though don't think he has looked on it yet I don't express myself that well in person especially not when it comes to my feelings and stuff - every time he asks me why I love him my mind goes blank and can't think what to say, though I managed to write him a poem once about how I felt about him. When I filled in my DLA forms I asked him if he wanted to read what I had written because it might help him to understand my problems a bit better, but he gave up after about a page and just says I used too many big words :S There are no support groups listed anywhere near where I live. I thought there used to be something in Leeds, as I was once referred to them by the Job Centre but think it was aimed more at unemployed AS looking to get back into work, but I couldn't go in the end as I had just started uni and was on afternoo that clashed with a lecture - no idea how to get in touch with them now. Don't know what to do at the mo. every time I start to feel slightly OK something reminds me... it's like people say it could be worse, but all I can think about is all the people that have it better than me. I keep having thoughts about ending my life, but I don't think I can go through with it because I'm scared but I really don't know what to do.

I don't know how much AS plays a part in this really. I am female, but have always been the opposite ie rather masculine in my interests, mannerisms and behaviours (although I also come across very "posh" in some respects, particularly the way I speak). I put it a lot down to social expectations - I always got on better with boys than girls and was relatively close to my brother whereas I didn't really get on with my sister, etc. so I think I adopted more masculine traits as a way of trying to fit in - which I guess could be partially attributed to my AS.

Was it a psychologist who saw you, or just a GP? I would try and get to see someone else based on what you've said. Perhaps it would be helpful if one of the uni lecturers or assessers could give you something in writing to take with you that would make them take you more seriously (assuming you are still at uni). To just write you off as a "nervous person" with no psychological problems despite previously having bulemia and thoughts of ending your life sounds very wrong to me.

thanks for the replies shnoing - I have been getting treatment for depression and anxiety for around 2 years now. I am on medication (currently Mirtazapine) which does help to a point, but it's not a miracle cure as I'm sure you are aware. Tried CBT but it didn't work for me, I just found myself getting more angry and frustrated and I put up too many obstacles for it to be effective. smiley - yes I know what you mean, I think. I get stuck in this situation of being stuck in the house all the time because I have nowhere to go and no friends to go out with. I find going out very challenging as I have so many problems and anxieties with mixing with people, being in crowds, talking to new people, etc. etc. but at the same time I want to do those things and to be able to have an active social life and a normal life, and I feel like there is loads that I am missing out on, but I don't even know where to begin as I find it so hard to talk to people I don't know, and keeping hold of friends is even harder. Then when I get so overwelmed by feelings of anger, hatred, jealousy, etc. I can't even think straight and struggle to make conversation at all. At the moment the friends I have I only get to see every couple of months, and I get so out of practise talking to people and being around friends that I end up struggling even more and then start to think that I really can't do this and feel like a failure. It really is a vicious circle. I feel very "out of the loop" because of where I live, so when I see my friends they are all talking about things that have happened that don't really concern me and feel a bit like an outcast. But I am naturally a fiercely competitive person as well, and always find it difficult to set targets that aren't competing against other (more able) people's standards - that's true of all areas of my life - for example, I can't stand seeing anyone at uni get a higher mark than me even if I know I am better than them in other areas. I see my friend going out all the time and instantly that is the standard I must reach and have to be going out every night too, or else in my own mind I am just a failure and a sad, pathetic loser with no life, which is how I feel at the moment. I have absolutely no idea how to make friends in my own area, as the only reason I have made my friends in London is because of the website I run and involvement in the music industry, which makes things difficult as people where I live don't share my interest and sometimes if I do start talking about it I come across as bragging, etc. or like "yeah, right, who the hell do you think you are?" I don't have any clue how to even strike up conversation with regular people and when I do it seems very strained and forced and can't keep it up for long and feel inferior and like they have more interesting people I am keeping them from. At the moment my head is just a mess with all feelings of jealousy, anger, etc. I am angry at myself, I hate myself for being the way I am and I am angry at my situation. I can't think of any logical answer to it. I tried to talk to my partner about things but he got upset and thinks it is him that is making me unhappy, and told me I'd be better off without him...so I daren't mention it to him again

I have had similar problems with family not accepting my Aspergers. I personally see AS traits in my dad and my brother, though my dad still says he thinks the psychologists got it wrong and I am perfectly normal, while my brother seems to get a bit embarrassed any time it is mentioned. I sometimes wonder if they see it in themselves but are kind of in denial. My step sister just saw me as a naughty, attention-seeking brat and thinks anyone who doesn't juggle motherhood with full time work and part time study is a waste of space. My aunt is pretty much the same and thinks my AS is just an excuse for me to get away with stuff, though I haven't seen her in 7 years (for good reason!).

I'm not sure if I'm posting in the right place really. I'm 25 years old with diagnosed AS and have struggled all my life to make friends. I was at uni but had to suspend my final year due to severe depression and anxiety as a result of my problems with being around other people. In 2 years on the course I think I only spoke to 3 people - I managed to avoid any group work, though with difficulty. One girl I got on with but I was too scared to ever go for a drink with her or anything through fear that she would invite others along and it would become too uncomfortable for me and I would be unable to function. I have managed to make a few friends through running my music related website, which I guess is my obsession lol. However, they all live a long way from me, and only see them every couple of months when I'm in London for gigs, etc. In particular, I have made one very good friend - he knows about my social difficulties, etc. and is very understanding. However, lately I seem to have develloped some very jealous feelings towards him which I feel terrible about. He is not a very outgoing person, but has quite a few friends who he sees regularly and has quite an active social life, and being in the capital he goes to around 5 or 10 gigs a month, and writes for a professional magazine and because of where he lives makes loads of contacts. I feel like a complete loser because I don't have a social life where I live at all, and feel very jealous when I realise that my friends have this social life that I'm not a very big part of. When my friend talks about seeing his friends and going out places I feel I am really missing out on things, and feel very bitter because I can't do any of it. It is just beyond me how he has made so many friends - i have thought of ways I could make friends - have considered joining a sports team or going to a fitness class or ameteur dramatics but then I think how everyone usually goes in pairs or groups or knows each other already and feel it would be too intimidating, or the pressure to get on with people would make it too difficult for me to talk to people, or that people would just see me as a desperate wierdo and would be no different to my experience of being at uni. I just don't know what to do. I feel like I am taking my problems out on my best friend which I know is wrong and am scared of losing him as a friend as a result.

Hi all! I am a 25 year old female, diagnosed with Aspergers aged 13. I went completely off the rails when I was diagnosed and refused for many years to accept that I had anything wrong with me, and I guess I'm trying to understand my condition a bit better and hope to talk to other people who understand the problems I have because of my AS.