lizj

Is there anyone out there can give me some helpful advice please? Our adult son (24) still lives with us, is long term unemployed and receiving JSA and DLA. This makes him slightly better off than his "normal" friends. Some of these so-called friends have sussed that he has more cash than them, and have been asking him to give them money - about £50-£100 at a time - so that he has had his bank account cleared out by them several times. They spin him sob stories about needing to pay vets bills or buy food, and he falls for it every time. Sometimes they say it's a loan and they will pay it back but they never do. He has ASD and learning difficulties and is afraid of losing their "friendship" if he does not pay up. We have tried talking to him, getting angry, offering help and even taking his bank cards off him, but we cannot get through to him that he is being exploited and that he needs to take better care of his money. We also despair of him ever being able to live independently while he is so easily exploited. Has anyone any advice that we might try?

Sorry, could you explain to me what "Two Ticks" means? I've never come across it. thanks.

Thanks to those who have replied. My son has done Workchoice too, no success and it is only funded for 6 months, then it's back to square one. The latest was a 2 week trial at Asda, who gave him good feedback and he thought he might be offered a job, but they then told his DEA that "the store is not ready for him". What was that supposed to mean? This is SO frustrating, the DEA just keeps on saying "He needs to try harder. Send out more CVs" etc. Does anyone know if it's possible to change a DEA and get one who might actually give some helpful advice and not just increase the number of job applications he has to do?

Can anyone give advice, encouragement, a wall to bang my head against? Please? Son of 22 with ASD, MLD and dyspraxia. Left college 2 years ago with a NVQ Level 1 and functional literacy and numeracy. This is about the highest level he is going to be able to achieve - he worked very hard for 4 years to get them. Since then he has been on JSA as he is believed to be capable of work. He has a DEA who is worse than useless, all he ever does is increase the number of steps per week on his Job Seekers' agreement - he is now up to 20 steps per week. He has applied for literally hundreds of jobs in the areas he could work in: mainly retail, animal care and hosptiality. But he has had NO interviews let alone offers, and I mean NO interviews. He has had work placements with Remploy, Mencap and Shaw Trust. He does voluntary work for Oxfam and RSPCA. Bottom line is, no-one wants to employ him. I would like to try him on ESA to end this ridiculous two-weekly farce at the Job Centre, but I don't think he would pass the ATOS assessment as he appears quite able. And I don't wnat things to get even worse. Any experiences for or advice please?

Thank you for your encouragement. I am trying to see it this way, but the urge to protect him (or perhaps, if i'm honest, it's control I want) is so strong! We are having a trial weekend to see how he copes. I'm sure deep down that he will be OK.

Oh, Soraya, you and I could be the same person with exactly the same issues - my son has also been thrown out of clubs, societies, school and college for inappropriate behaviour towards girls (and boys!!!) and can't hold down a job because he forgets to turn up, loses his keys etc etc I am heart broken at the moment because he is persisting with looking for a home of his own. What he wants is listened to, what I have to say is not. The council are offering him filthy places in grotty locations, and he will never cope alone. He has support workers but they don't deliver what they promise - we were promised a visit every day but it's already down to one hour a week. And he would still rather live there than in the home I have lovingly created for 21 years. I feel all my mothering has been rejected and I have wasted 20 years of my life on him. Yes, I suppose I'm feeling sorry for myself.

Thank you for trying to explain. Do you think your mum feels bad about this, or is she able to accept it and live with it?

Can I please ask mothers of ASD teens and young adults: Is it just me and my son, or do you sometimes feel unloved, unrespected and unappreciated? He's 21 now, unemployed, wanting to leave home but unable to cope with living independently. Every day all we do is argue and every day I have to rescue him from yet another problem he has got into. He can't manage his money, keep appointments, maintain personal hygiene or get a girlfriend. No matter how much I do for him there is no thanks, no love, no attempt to change his behaviour. I don't think he has ever in the 21 years hugged or kissed me, or said "I love you". Maybe it's my age, but it is getting me down. Sorry for the feeling sorry for myself rant, but it would make me feel better if I thought that other Mums are going through the same things and it's the nature of the disability. Or am I just a rubbish mother?

Wow, that's a lot to read and take in! Thank you all for your input. To clear up one or two things: he is recognised "disabled" and receives low rate DLA. He gets the JSA disability premium, sees a DEA and has been referred to Mencap for help finding a job. Although their idea of "help" is mainly bullying him into things - yesterday they told him he should learn to drive...where he gets the ability to pass the theory test, the money, co-ordination and road sense from was not explained. His IQ is about 72, which puts him only just above the cut-off point for most support. If he hadn't got Level 1 he would get a lot more help. My main problem is, because he on JSA he still has to do all the things "normal" Jobseekers do. Sign on every other week, see his advisor regularly, apply for at least 3 jobs a week and provide evidence that he has done it. There are no allowances or exceptions. His advisers who are supposed to help him just say "Oh, it's annoying isn't it." If he doesn't find and apply for 3 jobs a week, he is sanctioned. Even when there is nothing suitable. I end up doing applications for him, and we know it is a waste of everyone's time, there are 80 applicants for every vacancy. If we did manage to get him on ESA would he still have to sign on, go to appointments with advisors and keep a job log (which I write for him as his writing is illegible)?

A brief update: Son of 20 with ASD, MLD and dysprxia has now left college with hard-won Level 1s. He has been on JSA for 6 months but can't cope with the system of claiming, all the paperwork and appointments is too much for his organisational skills. He has a DEA and is now with Mencap Job programme, but all they seem to do is add more paperwork and meetings, and then tell him off when he doesn't get it right. "You really need to learn how to do this on your own" etc. As if he could be normal if he tried hard enough. Job Centre make him apply for jobs he won't get and couldn't do if he did get them, so it's a waste of everyone's time and money. If he doesn't apply or turn up for meetings etc his money is stopped. He did get a Christmas job at Asda but they let him go because he couldn't work quickly enough for them. Then he lost £160 benefits for not filling in a form that no-one told him he needed to complete. I would like to know whether life would be easier if he was on ESA, and what chances are there of him getting it if we applied? I believe he is capable of work if it were the right job in the right place, but coping with the JSA system is proving so stressful for us both. Any advice gratefully received.

Thank you all so much for your support and advice. It's quite frightening to discover how easily our vulnerable young people can get themselves into deep water. At the moment it looks less likely that the police will be involved. The girl seems to be just using this threat as a weapon against him. To answer some of your questions: no, the neighbour was not there, she is acting on what she has been told and believes she is "looking out for" the girl. There is no question of the girl being frightened of my son - she has been out with him several times since the incident. I don't think she has a strong case, and I don't think he would be found guilty. But we can all do without the stress of him being arrested and questioned etc. I will certainly seek legal advice if this carries on much longer. Just now, I am hoping that it will die quietly away. Thank you all once more, especially to the lady who was a victim herself. I do understand how traumatic these things can be - I was a victim of sexual assault myself in my teens - but I really don't believe my son is guilty in this case.

I will try to keep it short. Son (20) ASD and MLD has been friends with a girl (22) ASD, mental health issues, for some months. She did not want a relationship with him, but said they could be "friends with benefits". Last month they went out together and on the way home had what he thought was consensual sex. The relationship has now gone sour, as they all do in the end, and the girl is claiming that she did not consent, that he got her drunk and forced himself on her. She is being backed up by an interfering neighbour friend of hers, who is threatening to go to the police. If they do, it will be his word against hers. I am so worried. I have been waiting for something like this to happen for years, and I do not know what to do to help.

Educationally, age 10-13 were awful. Emotionally, the whole of the teenage years were difficult, with 14-17 particularly nightmare-ish. Parents of younger children then mine (19) often ask "Does it get better as they get older?" I always reply that things don't get better or worse, they just get different.

I totally agree with Bid. Great progress can be made in the late teens. There's no need to panic just yet, although thinking about the future is very frightening. My son is 19. When he left school at 16 he still needed an escorted taxi to go to college. But in the past year he has learned to use public transport on his own. He can have a go at preparing a meal for himself and has a voluntary job in a local charity shop, where he arrives on time with a little bit of prompting. We still have a long way to go - he hasn't a clue how to manage money yet and would never ever remember to wash his hair or clothes, but it's good to see how much progress towards independence he has made. And the same is true for most of his friends, who also have complex special needs.

Practical suggestion here - if he is not sufficiently dextrous to make his own sandwich as suggested above, why not make the sandwich then get him to cut it into the shape he wants it? This will help him with his independence skills, give him a bit of control, and take the pressure off you to get every detail right. Life with as Aspie teen is often about balance. You can easily end up with everything becoming a battle. It is best to work out which battles are important, and make sure you win them. As for the others, you need to make compromises and work out strategies so that you can live together without driving each other up the wall.