lizj
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Posts posted by lizj
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Sorry, could you explain to me what "Two Ticks" means? I've never come across it. thanks.
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Thanks to those who have replied. My son has done Workchoice too, no success and it is only funded for 6 months, then it's back to square one. The latest was a 2 week trial at Asda, who gave him good feedback and he thought he might be offered a job, but they then told his DEA that "the store is not ready for him". What was that supposed to mean?
This is SO frustrating, the DEA just keeps on saying "He needs to try harder. Send out more CVs" etc.
Does anyone know if it's possible to change a DEA and get one who might actually give some helpful advice and not just increase the number of job applications he has to do?
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Can anyone give advice, encouragement, a wall to bang my head against? Please?
Son of 22 with ASD, MLD and dyspraxia. Left college 2 years ago with a NVQ Level 1 and functional literacy and numeracy. This is about the highest level he is going to be able to achieve - he worked very hard for 4 years to get them.
Since then he has been on JSA as he is believed to be capable of work. He has a DEA who is worse than useless, all he ever does is increase the number of steps per week on his Job Seekers' agreement - he is now up to 20 steps per week.
He has applied for literally hundreds of jobs in the areas he could work in: mainly retail, animal care and hosptiality. But he has had NO interviews let alone offers, and I mean NO interviews.
He has had work placements with Remploy, Mencap and Shaw Trust. He does voluntary work for Oxfam and RSPCA.
Bottom line is, no-one wants to employ him. I would like to try him on ESA to end this ridiculous two-weekly farce at the Job Centre, but I don't think he would pass the ATOS assessment as he appears quite able. And I don't wnat things to get even worse. Any experiences for or advice please?
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I know it's hard, lizj, but try to look at it a different way. If he feels ready to move out and wants to take that step and is confident that he is ready then that is down to all your hard work with him over the last 21 years. It's natural for young people to want to fly the coup, but try not to see it as an insult but rather as a testament to all the skills that you have given him. You may feel that he won't cope, and you may be right, but it is a positive thing in some ways that he wants to try. I'm sure once he is in his own place he will soon come to realize just how much you did for him and how much he has taken you for granted and it might even bring you closer. If he is ready to fly then that is a compliment to you.
~ Mel ~
Thank you for your encouragement. I am trying to see it this way, but the urge to protect him (or perhaps, if i'm honest, it's control I want) is so strong!
We are having a trial weekend to see how he copes. I'm sure deep down that he will be OK.
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I can totally relate to thois topic, havent been on the forum for a while, but feel so fed up at the moment. Nick is 19, he has a social worker and sees a mental health worker, but as Nick misses his appointments all the time they are signing him off !! I have asked SS to let me know when Nick has an appointment but as he is 19, they wont speak to me!! He has had 2 failed college courses, 1 failed apprenticeship, and 3 failed jobs, all due to social difficulties and inappropiate behaviour towards girls!! He was on ESA, but we have since failed the medical, as the questions were so stupid, and basically because Nick can drive and go to the supermarket on his own, they think he is ok for work!! He def needs supported employment but he is not willing as he thinks he is ok and the only reason he has been diagnosed is my fault cause i couldnt cope with him and took him to CAMBS!!!
I never get any thanks for all i do, he thinks it is ok to live in a pigs sty. Whenever he meets a girl he makes them feel very uncomfortable as he is so over the top with them , the friendship usually only lasts a few days, and he gets very angry and depressed and takes it out on me !!
This sutiation seems very common for young adults, it def seems that the help stops at 18. I am very very worried about the future for Nick, but feel so alone, I just want someone to give him a chance.
Oh, Soraya, you and I could be the same person with exactly the same issues - my son has also been thrown out of clubs, societies, school and college for inappropriate behaviour towards girls (and boys!!!) and can't hold down a job because he forgets to turn up, loses his keys etc etc
I am heart broken at the moment because he is persisting with looking for a home of his own. What he wants is listened to, what I have to say is not.
The council are offering him filthy places in grotty locations, and he will never cope alone. He has support workers but they don't deliver what they promise - we were promised a visit every day but it's already down to one hour a week. And he would still rather live there than in the home I have lovingly created for 21 years. I feel all my mothering has been rejected and I have wasted 20 years of my life on him.
Yes, I suppose I'm feeling sorry for myself.
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its hard for me to be close to my mother, when me and my girlfriend split up i hugged everybody but my mum. i cant spend any time with my mum either it feels awkward and weird. im intimidated of the very thought of having any kind of relationship with her, i have no idea why. i think for pepole with aspergers we kind of put the shutters up with the pepole closest to us.
i know this is aimed at mums but i thought id add my 2 cents.
Thank you for trying to explain. Do you think your mum feels bad about this, or is she able to accept it and live with it?
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Can I please ask mothers of ASD teens and young adults:
Is it just me and my son, or do you sometimes feel unloved, unrespected and unappreciated?
He's 21 now, unemployed, wanting to leave home but unable to cope with living independently. Every day all we do is argue and every day I have to rescue him from yet another problem he has got into. He can't manage his money, keep appointments, maintain personal hygiene or get a girlfriend.
No matter how much I do for him there is no thanks, no love, no attempt to change his behaviour. I don't think he has ever in the 21 years hugged or kissed me, or said "I love you".
Maybe it's my age, but it is getting me down.
Sorry for the feeling sorry for myself rant, but it would make me feel better if I thought that other Mums are going through the same things and it's the nature of the disability. Or am I just a rubbish mother?
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Wow, that's a lot to read and take in! Thank you all for your input.
To clear up one or two things: he is recognised "disabled" and receives low rate DLA. He gets the JSA disability premium, sees a DEA and has been referred to Mencap for help finding a job. Although their idea of "help" is mainly bullying him into things - yesterday they told him he should learn to drive...where he gets the ability to pass the theory test, the money, co-ordination and road sense from was not explained.
His IQ is about 72, which puts him only just above the cut-off point for most support. If he hadn't got Level 1 he would get a lot more help.
My main problem is, because he on JSA he still has to do all the things "normal" Jobseekers do. Sign on every other week, see his advisor regularly, apply for at least 3 jobs a week and provide evidence that he has done it. There are no allowances or exceptions. His advisers who are supposed to help him just say "Oh, it's annoying isn't it."
If he doesn't find and apply for 3 jobs a week, he is sanctioned. Even when there is nothing suitable. I end up doing applications for him, and we know it is a waste of everyone's time, there are 80 applicants for every vacancy.
If we did manage to get him on ESA would he still have to sign on, go to appointments with advisors and keep a job log (which I write for him as his writing is illegible)?
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A brief update: Son of 20 with ASD, MLD and dysprxia has now left college with hard-won Level 1s.
He has been on JSA for 6 months but can't cope with the system of claiming, all the paperwork and appointments is too much for his organisational skills. He has a DEA and is now with Mencap Job programme, but all they seem to do is add more paperwork and meetings, and then tell him off when he doesn't get it right. "You really need to learn how to do this on your own" etc. As if he could be normal if he tried hard enough.
Job Centre make him apply for jobs he won't get and couldn't do if he did get them, so it's a waste of everyone's time and money.
If he doesn't apply or turn up for meetings etc his money is stopped.
He did get a Christmas job at Asda but they let him go because he couldn't work quickly enough for them. Then he lost £160 benefits for not filling in a form that no-one told him he needed to complete.
I would like to know whether life would be easier if he was on ESA, and what chances are there of him getting it if we applied? I believe he is capable of work if it were the right job in the right place, but coping with the JSA system is proving so stressful for us both.
Any advice gratefully received.
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Thank you all so much for your support and advice. It's quite frightening to discover how easily our vulnerable young people can get themselves into deep water.
At the moment it looks less likely that the police will be involved. The girl seems to be just using this threat as a weapon against him.
To answer some of your questions: no, the neighbour was not there, she is acting on what she has been told and believes she is "looking out for" the girl.
There is no question of the girl being frightened of my son - she has been out with him several times since the incident.
I don't think she has a strong case, and I don't think he would be found guilty. But we can all do without the stress of him being arrested and questioned etc.
I will certainly seek legal advice if this carries on much longer. Just now, I am hoping that it will die quietly away.
Thank you all once more, especially to the lady who was a victim herself. I do understand how traumatic these things can be - I was a victim of sexual assault myself in my teens - but I really don't believe my son is guilty in this case.
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I will try to keep it short. Son (20) ASD and MLD has been friends with a girl (22) ASD, mental health issues, for some months. She did not want a relationship with him, but said they could be "friends with benefits".
Last month they went out together and on the way home had what he thought was consensual sex.
The relationship has now gone sour, as they all do in the end, and the girl is claiming that she did not consent, that he got her drunk and forced himself on her. She is being backed up by an interfering neighbour friend of hers, who is threatening to go to the police. If they do, it will be his word against hers.
I am so worried. I have been waiting for something like this to happen for years, and I do not know what to do to help.
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Educationally, age 10-13 were awful. Emotionally, the whole of the teenage years were difficult, with 14-17 particularly nightmare-ish.
Parents of younger children then mine (19) often ask "Does it get better as they get older?" I always reply that things don't get better or worse, they just get different.
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I totally agree with Bid. Great progress can be made in the late teens. There's no need to panic just yet, although thinking about the future is very frightening.
My son is 19. When he left school at 16 he still needed an escorted taxi to go to college. But in the past year he has learned to use public transport on his own. He can have a go at preparing a meal for himself and has a voluntary job in a local charity shop, where he arrives on time with a little bit of prompting.
We still have a long way to go - he hasn't a clue how to manage money yet and would never ever remember to wash his hair or clothes, but it's good to see how much progress towards independence he has made.
And the same is true for most of his friends, who also have complex special needs.
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Practical suggestion here - if he is not sufficiently dextrous to make his own sandwich as suggested above, why not make the sandwich then get him to cut it into the shape he wants it? This will help him with his independence skills, give him a bit of control, and take the pressure off you to get every detail right.
Life with as Aspie teen is often about balance. You can easily end up with everything becoming a battle. It is best to work out which battles are important, and make sure you win them. As for the others, you need to make compromises and work out strategies so that you can live together without driving each other up the wall.
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I think that you are justified in being concerned, particularly that the incidents are being logged. If the unit is a good one, you can probably be confident that the problem is not just being ignored, but that the staff are dealing with it. They might not tell you what action is being taken or discuss it with you, for reasons of confidentiality. But as the parent of a child who was sometimes responsible for aggressive behaviour in a special school, as well as a victim, I can assure you that they will be trying to do something. You will of course appreciate that the other pupils involved have serious and complex problems, and that things will not get better overnight.
In the meantime, make sure that your son understands the importance of reporting all incidents to a member of staff - it's surprising how often they think the teacher knows what has happened when they actually don't.
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Yes, it has been a problem for us too. My son tried to join in conversations with people he thought were old school "friends" and they immediately ganged up on him online, just like they used to do in the playground. Making fun of him, calling him names and making threats to come to the house and beat him up etc. It upset me, I had thought that by the age of 18 they might know better. I deleted the conversation, blocked the "friends" and checked his security settings. They kept on trying to contact him for quite a while, but eventually they lost interest.
However, someone tagged some photos of him with abusive tags that I can't remove. Only the owner of the photo can do it, and it was her that put them there. I have tried FB help forums but no-one can tell me how to remove these tags.They are there for all the world to read and it bothers me.
Why can't people just leave these vulnerable people alone?
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Just to say, no, you are not "rubbish". We have all been through the "not a good mother" worries. You seem highly intelligent and very clued up about your son. Never forget that you know him better than any expert and you will always want the best for him.
In my opinion, you should ask for a referral to a paediatrician or child psychologist for some assessments, or ask for the educational psychologist to observe him in school. It may lead to a diagnosis or not - but at least you will eventually have an answer.
May I wish you the best of luck whatever happens. He is lucky to have a mum like you.
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^^^Lizj did my post (below) mean anything for you or anyone here?
I hope you didn't ignore my request that you look at that site. It's very good.
Yes, I have had a look at it- it's very comprehensive, but isn't a lot of it American in content? For me personally it is interesting but not totally relevant, as my ASD son is older and we have already been through a lot of the problems. He also has moderate learning difficulties, so he is not typical Aspergers is many ways.
But thank you for the link.It's an interesting read.
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I agree about the comfort thing. My son wouldn't part with his Thomas trains until he was about 12, and at 19 he still watches CBBC when he is tired or stressed. His favourite stuffed toy still goes to bed with him too!
I don't think there is any need to worry, so long as it doesn't reach the point where it is obsessionally damaging his life, or drawing attention to his "oddness" amongst other people.
When he is ready he will give up his comforts and move onto something more age-appropriate.
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Very familiar, almost exactly what we went through for 6 years. Let's hope things improve in September. It must seem a long way off for the poor mother.
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Been through all this with my 19 year old, who got acne like I have never seen from the age of 9. Like your son, he would not rub anything on because it hurt him, and he still won't shave for the same reason
You might not believe what I am about to say, but it's honest truth!Nothing helped (creams, lotions, antibiotics) and I didn't want him to try roaccutane because I read it could cause depression, which we didn't need on top of ASD and MLD, social and behavioural issues.
What did work was cod liver oil capsules, one a day, high strength from the local health food shop. His skin improved and cleared up in about three months.
I have NO idea why it worked, it may have been co-incidence, but it did.
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Sorry, no, this isn't correct. If you tell the DLA people you want to represent your son they will send a representative round to interview you and your son and then they will decide if he is capable or not. We found this very difficult. I was not able to put across all the things that my lad is not able to do whilst he was sitting right there listening and so the representative decided he was capable just by saying hello to him and asking if he had just done GCSEs. After his 16th birthday all forms came to my son in his name for him to fill out and money was sent to him.
~ Mel ~
Yes I know, they came to visit me and my son when he reached 16. It was not a problem for us - perhaps your son's disability is not as obvious? my son also has MLD, and it's quite quickly obvious that he can't cope with his own affairs. He will never be able to do a GCSE. The DWP worker was only in the house about 10 minutes. I an still his representative and his money still gets paid into my bank account.
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Your son will probably still qualify for some DLA, maybe the middle or lower rate. You would only get the higher rate if he needs to be cared for regularly in the night.
If he is still unable to prepare a hot meal, needs to be accompanied on public transport, and needs to be reminded to do routine things like go to bed, get washed etc. then he should qualify as he needs more help every day than a "normal" person would.
Fill the form in with him or for him, as ASD teens are often not aware of how much help they need, and he will probably think he is much more able than he is. Answer the questions honestly, but make sure to make clear how much help he still needs every day. Would he get lost or be vulnerable it he went out alone? Would he go for days without getting washed or dressed, washing clothes or dishes? Could he remember to take medication regularly?
This is the kind of thing they need to be told to assess his payments.
And it is up to you to decide whether the payments go into his bank account or yours. If you feel he could not manage his own money, you can ask to be appointed his representative and have the money paid to your account.
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My son does not lose a lot of stuff manly because we preempt the loss. (not that he has a lot to lose).He has just started wearing glasses so we went right through a routine of what to do when he needs to take them off etc, things that maybe you would think you would do without thinking.
I myself will forget were things are so always (at least I do when I remember) put things in their right place straight away. Which is basically what I try to drill into my son..
Oh, glasses. He had to start wearing them at the age of 3 and we had 19 pairs in the first year. The optician was sick of the sight of us.
He just stopped wearing them in the end, he can't see what he's doing but it's less hassle all round.
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Is there anyone out there can give me some helpful advice please? Our adult son (24) still lives with us, is long term unemployed and receiving JSA and DLA. This makes him slightly better off than his "normal" friends.
Some of these so-called friends have sussed that he has more cash than them, and have been asking him to give them money - about £50-£100 at a time - so that he has had his bank account cleared out by them several times.
They spin him sob stories about needing to pay vets bills or buy food, and he falls for it every time. Sometimes they say it's a loan and they will pay it back but they never do.
He has ASD and learning difficulties and is afraid of losing their "friendship" if he does not pay up.
We have tried talking to him, getting angry, offering help and even taking his bank cards off him, but we cannot get through to him that he is being exploited and that he needs to take better care of his money.
We also despair of him ever being able to live independently while he is so easily exploited.
Has anyone any advice that we might try?