My Stories

THE DEVASTATING LOSS OF THE FREEDOM PASS One day when Bernard Cheeseman got off the bus at Beehive Lane he had his pass with him, but, 'when he got to the centre it had gone, and what a mayhem he created over the lost bus pass. He threw chairs banged doors and chucked his bag across the room, narrowly missing one of the staff by inches. "You, my boy, I've had enough of you, any more of that and I'll have you out of this centre. You nearly knocked me over. Listen here my boy, the only way to sort out this freedom pass business is to phone London Transport and District. And, please make sure you have your photos with you when you apply for a freedom pass, if you haven't then you can go to the nearest phone booth and have your photos taken. It's like Bernard Tisman when he lost his freedom pass. It happened on Wednesday, November 30th 2011. It's a while since it happened. The person who lost his freedom pass was me, Bernard Tisman. Because of this I had to buy an oyster card to get me home. The oyster card cost £5.00, plus £2.50 top up. The incident happened when I got off the bus. I had it when I made my way to Mitkadem day centre, but by the afternoon it had gone. If there would have been a bird flying overhead it would have swooped down and swiped it out of my coat pocket by grabbing it with it's beak and make off with it. The freedom pass would have ended up as a tasty meal for the bird, most likely a crow. My freedom pass is most likely dead by now, for without it's owner it could die. Without the freedom pass I would have to pay fares when coming to the Mitkadem day centre on Wednesdays. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- LATEST NEWS Bernard Tisman's freedom pass has been found dead. It's body was found in Blenheim Avenue, Gants Hill. It was a passer - by who found it dead. Not only that, the freedom pass was rotting away as well, found in an advanced state of decomposition. It stunk. In fact the smell of the rotting freedom pass was so foul that everybody who came out of their houses collapsed but soon recovered. They had to cover their faces with hankies because of the terrible stink that was coming from the rotting freedom pass. Not only that, a lot of foul smelling fluid was oozing out of the dead freedom pass which was rotting away quite rapidly Bernard Tisman's cousin has been notified of the freedom pass's tragic death. He said: "I am sorry to hear of the death of your freedom pass. A post mortem will be carried out to find out exactly what caused the freedom pass to die so tragically. The cause of death at the moment is unknown. It's most likely that the freedom pass could have died of hypothermia. This mean's that if you do get a new freedom pass make sure it's wrapped up warm when you use it, and if it does ever fall ill call your doctor.

THE BOY WHO REFUSED TO PLAY FOOTBALL One day the teacher said to Keith Train, "Get changed you're going to play football. "But, no fear. "Do as you're told my lad, you're going to play football whether you like it or not said the teacher. "Why don't you jump in the fire Teacher scum said Keith Train." "Right, said the teacher, I am going to report you to the headmaster after the football game is over." The unruly boy did get changed and when he attempted to play football he collided with Tony Cracker. The boy punched him. "Hoy' stop that boy, and you, Keith Train, Play football properly. "But I can't". Oh, yes you can. The main trouble with you is that you're too lazy." After the game was finished the teacher reported the boy to the head. The head said: "You're guilty of a number of crimes. First you refuse to play football, that's number one, 'And number two,you foul on the pitch by knocking a boy over. "I am absolutely disgusted with your behavour. I don't know what's got into you lately." The boy got the cane. That was in 1964. Soon after the boy stormed out and went berserk. The teacher Mr Clay who happened to be outside shouted, "to bed you go. The teacher marched the boy up to his dormitory and hit him across the floor. Keith bit him on the leg. "I'm going to report you to the headmaster for biting my leg." The teacher did, and what a telling off he got for the head shouted: "What's the meaning of this? Do you know that it's a serious crime to bite a teacher, you could have put him in hospital. All because of that Mr Clay will have to be off for a week. You're just a wild animal my boy." The other boys were shocked when they heard that Mr Clay had his leg bitten by Keith Train so they took revenge, pounced on the boy and ripped his teeth out with pliers. One of the the school prefects happened to be walking along and shouted: "I'll report you boys to the head for torture." The headmaster was told about the incident and said he was really shocked that a group of boys should revenge the biting of Mr Clay by pulling a boy's teeth out." The savage bullies who carried out the revenge attack were sent to the head and said: ' all because Mr Clay got bitten on the leg by Keith Train, you have no right to revenge it by pulling all of his teeth out." The head got two prefects to guard the boy against the bullies who carried out the revenge attack. Two of the boys who attacked Keith Train happened to be in the same dormitory. The dormitory leader knew about this and had to protect the boy against the two savages. In the end the headmaster moved the two boys, part of a four piece gang of boys out of Keith Train's dormitory and set up a special dormitory to take savage bullies like the ones who pulled a boy's teeth out - the first bad boys' dorm in the whole school. Mr Clay came back after a week and was no less strict. He would still stand no nonsense.

THE MAN WHO BROKE A PLATE Kevin Nobody was washing up one night when, "all of a sudden the plate fell out of his hand and landed, "Smack, Right on the floor shattering into many fragments. He managed to use a dustpan, but the fluff in the pan suddenly flew up to to his face causing him to sneeze, so hard that it caused a powerful tremor. In fact the force was so powerful that the cupboards burst open and all the crockery flew out landing, smack, on the floor, with the result that they all got broken, shattering into a load of fragments all over the kitchen floor. In fact some of the broken pieces of plates ,cups and saucers flew into the dining room. Meanwhile, outside, People walking to their flats got thrown to the ground in the corridor due to the powerful tremor caused by a man sneezing so hard. The carer, Edna Plate, went up to investigate to see what it was all about. As she walked into the man's flat she saw a load of broken crockery on the floor as well as knives, forks and spoons, but as she tried to piece together what it was all about the man started to sneeze, so powerful that Edna plate got thrown right across the room. "You, you've gone too far this time. I know what I am going to do, I am going to call the police. I'm afraid I can't take it anymore, with you sneezing like that, you blew me across the room. You're just a dangerous person who should be locked away." The police came, bundled the sneezer into the a van and drove off to a prison where the man got locked up for 50 years. His crime: Sneezing dangerously with the force of an earthquake. By the time the man was released from jail he was returned to his flat, but his carer Edna Plate had shrunk to only two inches tall due to advanced age.

MICHAEL DEN DAY CENTRE NEWS Fees have been introduced at Michael Den Day Centre, Clarence Creep Avenue Gants Hill. Each day every member will be required to pay a fee of £12.50 just to attend, plus £2 every time you visit the toilet. People who arrive 30 minutes late will be required to pay up to £20 attendance fee. Other fees include 12p just to lay the table for lunch and 20p just to say the blessing before you eat. Even sitting down at the dining room table won't be free. Just before you sit down for lunch you will be charged 34p just to sit down at the dining room table, and if you swear you will have to put 50p into the swearbox on the dining room table. Here are a list of all the fees that you have to pay at Michael Den Day Centre. 1. Admission charges £12.50 2. Going to toilet £2.00 3. Arriving at the centre late £20.00 4. Laying the table 12p 5. Saying the blessing before you eat 20p 6. Lunch money £23 7. Second helpings at lunch time £5.00 The lunch money is £23.00, but if you have a second helping you will be required to pay an extra £5.00 The other fees are £2.00 just to sit on the settee and 30p just to wash your hands. There's also an exit fee. Just before you leave you will be required to pay £8.00 just to leave the centre to go home, if you haven't you will be required to stay at the centre until a relative can raise money just to get you out of the centre at home time.