oxgirl

Hi Karen, I'm glad you found a way out of your guilt. I'm still stuck in I-must-be-punished mode, I think, I just can't seem to forgive myself. I feel like I don't deserve it maybe, I dunno. Who knows, maybe one day I might be able to move on, I hope so ~ Mel ~

Thanks very much for that, Kathryn. Yep, it certainly looks like I'm not alone. ~ Mel ~

It's a very tricky balance, isn't it. When my son (now 12, AS) was at primary school he had full-time 1:1 and he was totally dependant on adult help/supervision, etc. I did feel that the only time he got a bit of freedom and a breather from their interference was at break times. He never socialized at break-time or lunchtime, he used to just stroll around with a toy on his own, but at least he could do his own thing and the other kids felt free to come over every now and then and see what he was doing. Sometimes I feel that having an adult there all the time restricts freedom so much and might even prevent other kids interacting freely with the one whose being continually chaparoned. If the helpers can set up activities that your son might enjoy and give him the opportunities to get involved and then STEP BACK and let him get on with it, that might be a good solution. The last year my son was at primary (before we took him out to home educate) they set up a table outside for the kids to Beyblade on and he was there like a shot! Like I say, it's a balance between leaving them struggling where they might be vulnerable to teasing, etc. and having an adult continually interfering and coaxing. I personally felt my son needed to have a break from all the nagging TAs and a chance to just relax on his own at lunchtimes if that's what he wanted. All the best. ~ Mel ~

Yes, I guess it's hard not to analyse every little thing we do. I just wish I could let it go and move on, maybe that's just not a possibility though. I used to think I could forgive myself when he was okay, trouble is he's not gonna be okay, ho hum! Thanks for the reply, btw ~ Mel ~

Thanks Jen, I wasn't all bad, I know that, there were lots of good things, so why is it so hard for me to think of those. Maybe it's just a character fault!! ~ Mel ~

Thanks for the reply Lauren, I guess we just have to hang in there! ~ Mel ~

Thanks, sometimes it's just so hard to be positive about it ~ Mel ~

Yes, you're right, it's just so hard!! ~ Mel ~

Does anyone else feel guilty?? I made so many mistakes when J was little, even now that he is 12 I can't shake those guilty feelings that I might have been the cause of his problems I often lie awake at night going over incident after incident from up to ten years ago and thinking that THAT'S what might have caused THIS particular problem or THAT particular problem! Anyone else feel like this and has anyone ever found a cure??!! ~ Mel ~

Act ... ~ Mel ~

Yep, good for you. I found that people weren't really that interested anyways, they were only saying it for something to say ~ Mel ~

I used to get that all the time when I was home edding, people in Tesco saying, 'no school today?' We got so tired of it in the end I'd just smile sweetly and say, 'nope, not today' and that was the end of it. If they're really interested or really cared I might tell them, but if they're just being nosy I'd just brush them off and they wouldn't ask any more. ~ Mel ~

Yes, you're right, of course - if he's happy I should be! It's so hard to chill sometimes though, don't you find? It just whizzes round and round in my head sometimes and there is no solution so there's no point in my trying to come up with one, but sometimes it's hard to shut up those annoying little voices in my head Yes, my lad much prefers adults as well and I guess, seeing as one day he will be one, it might turn out okay in the end after all!! Cheers. ~ Mel ~

Hiya, thanks for your reply. Having friends can certainly complicate things, I agree, but they can also bring so much joy to kids' lives. At the moment I guess it's easier for my son to be on his own because it's just so hard to mix so he avoids it, but deep down I don't think he's happy about it. I just hope that one day he can experience the fun of sharing stuff with a true friend, but I guess he might have to wait a while before that comes. ~ Mel ~

Thanks a lot Justine, everyone has been so helpful and I really value everyones' input. Your husband sounds a lot like mine (he would score an interesting score as well, I'm sure!!), he thinks I should stop worrying about what is my own fantasy for our son and just accept that that is beyond him and isn't going to happen (he makes it sound so easy!) At the end of the day we can't change what they are, just do our best to encourage them and help them on their way Take care. ~ Mel ~

Hi Pepper, thanks for your reply. Yes, I am very pleased with all the support and discussion I'm having about this and I'm already starting to feel better about things You're right, things do change so much, and in two years time things could be very different. I guess we just have to hang on in there and do our best for them and hope things turn out okay in the end. It's easy to get bogged down with worries and negative feelings about things we can't change and to forget to focus on all the good things about our kids! Good luck to you as well. ~ Mel ~

Hi Loulou, thanks a lot for that and for your welcome. Yes, I do see what Oracle is saying, pretty much what my husband says. It's funny because I talked to my son about this the other day, about maybe he could think about making a bit more of an effort to find some friends and he thought long and hard and in the end decided that it was WHAT they were doing rather than WHO he was doing it with that was most important, and that was quite an eye-opener to me. He's not willing to give things a go for the sake of making a friend, he just wants to do what he wants to do and if others want to join in with him then fine, let them!! I guess I should take some comfort from that! Take care ~ Mel ~

Hi Oracle, thanks for your reply. Yes, I do know what you mean, in fact it's what my husband says whenever I get upset. Maybe it's just that he accepts it more and doesn't yearn for it as much as I do, but he tries to make me see that what was right for me as a kid is neither possible nor right for our son, and I do understand what he means. He says that what I'm dreaming of for our son is my fantasy and not a reality for him and I should accept that he is what he is. I just wish I could be certain that my son really is happy and can remain happy as he is, because there is a big part of him that desperately wants friends but just doesn't know how to go about getting them. But I guess time will tell and all the fretting in the world won't help him. Cheers. ~ Mel ~

Hiya, it's the noise of the rifling through the Lego box that gets me!! We took him to Legoland last year during term-time and it was really quiet. He adored it. Have you been? ~ Mel ~

Hey, my hubby irons too!! Hehehehe, his mother taught him well. We don't always 'need' to talk to each other about the ins and outs though I guess, 'cos we're living it so I know he understands, if ya know what I mean. It's the emotional support that's quite often lacking with the hubbies though, isn't it Sometimes I feel like my lad is right in the middle, too able for some things and not able enough for others, so he ends up with almost nothing, it feels like. He's an in-betweener! Aw, hope you survive the hols. I used to enjoy them, but this one I'm dreading (*shudders*). ~ Mel ~

Aw, I'm so sorry!! It's exactly the same for me, yep. I'm sure it is the sunny weather making us realize what our children are missing, and also knowing that maybe other kids you know of that age are off out and about now and getting more freedom and going here and there with their mates and ours are left behind, like you say. I've been feeling terribly sad as well, it's just not fair is it. We can only hope that as they get even older they might find a way. I tried for months to teach my lad to ride a bike but he just couldn't do it, not that he really wanted to!! Yes, I know what you mean about them feeling lonely but not really knowing why, it's almost as if they get an inkling that there is something 'missing', but they're not sure what it is. I really hope your daughter can find some happiness on her birthday, even if it's only a lovely cake It's nice to talk to someone who really knows how it is, although I'm also sorry that you do! ~ Mel ~

Hi, I used to go regularly on support group outings but I never managed to find another child that connected with my lad. It's a shame really, because at the end of the outings I'd almost come away feeling more isolated than before because somehow each little family unit seemed to be in its' own little bubble, if ya know what I mean. I'm still searching for that elusive child to click with mine but he has no interest in computers or playstations or football or all the stuff that other kids his age might enjoy, he just wants to play with Lego, but I'll keep on looking. I'm really glad you've found friends for your lad. Take care. ~ Mel ~

Hi Lisa, so sorry to hear your sad story. Was your son able to let you know how it made him feel? I only ask because last week at school my son and his science class were exploring outside in the playground or something and he was walking along and a girl who happened to be next to him at the time said to him 'nobody wants to be with you'! I was so heartbroken I cried all afternoon, but the funny thing was that, when I talked to him about it, he was quite matter-of-fact about it and I think it went over his head really, I discovered that I was so much more upset then he was. I relate to your heartbreak totally, but I hope that your lad is feeling as unaffected as mine seemed to be, because now it's totally forgotten. Take care. ~ Mel ~

Hi Jb, thanks so much, you hit the nail right on the head, it sounds like you're going through just the same thing. Like you, I didn't feel so despairing when he was little, but now he's a 'big kid' it's suddenly very real and scary. I guess I always thought things would get better and now I just can't kid myself that they will anymore. I just keep thinking back to my childhood, the stuff I used to do with my friends out on our bikes, etc. etc. and I wonder what happy memories he'll have from his childhood - the inside of his bedroom - and it breaks my heart! Does your daughter have any friends at all then? Here's hoping things will get better for us all soon ~ Mel ~

Hi MotherEve, thanks for the welcome, Nope, don't get any respite, he's too 'able' I think. I'm lucky to have a good hubby though, but he doesn't always want to talk, ya know? Are you dreading the hols as well then? ~ Mel ~