oxgirl
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Posts posted by oxgirl
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I did try hypnosis to help me move past an event that I was focussing on. It did help, actually. Worth a try and better than taking mind-altering drugs, I would have thought.
~ Mel ~
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Don't give up on us, badgerface, it's generally a busy time of year and not many people seem to be around at the moment. I know I don't always have time to read longer posts and tend to just skip in and out when I can and skim.
Sorry you're having a tough time. You say the blood test you had confirmed you have an abnormality that is associated with ASD, but do you think you would benefit from going the whole hog and finding out if you also have an ASD. Could be that you don't. Would you feel relieved if you found out you did or if you found out you did not? Or would it not change much, do you think? Hard to know, I guess unless you go for it and try to find out for sure. Sounds like you are having trouble with depression though, are you on any meds for that? Will you try to find some help from your doctor or a counsellor to see if that might help? It's good that you have a supportive partner, many people aren't so lucky.
All the best.
~ Mel ~
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Hi chrismrussell,
Sorry to hear you're not in a good place at the moment. Do you have any support, i.e. family or friends? Sounds like you're really down about yourself and need a boost to your confidence. What about work/hobbies, any relief there for you?
Perhaps you could see if there are any AS adult social groups in your area, which might put you in touch with people in a similar situation?
Hope things improve soon for you.
~ Mel ~
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Hi lynyona, it sounds like this is a serious problem for your son. It sounds as if he has an addiction to gaming and a compulsion to continue come what may. I think it is very unhealthy and damaging and I don't know how practical it would be to try to wean him off of it so that he is spending less time gaming and more time doing other things? How many hours a day is he gaming and does he have other interests or places to go and things to do as well?
My own son is 20 now and has a tendency to become addicted to the computer if I didn't try to keep it under control. He uses the computer at set times and if he is on too long I get him to come off, even if it makes him cross. I know it's very difficult, my son has nowhere to go and no friends and is out of education and work, but I am trying to get him interested in other things like drawing to take up some more of his time and do try to get him out for walks most days if I can just to get some fresh air and stretch his legs.
I think these games do make people almost manic and so obsessed that they can become frantic whilst in the clutches of them. I know that sounds dramatic but I think it can lead to serious problems. Of course, kept under control, gaming can also be a source of relaxation and escapism, but it's keeping the balance healthy without letting it become out of hand that is the key, imo.
~ Mel ~
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Hi sylvm, sorry to hear about your troubles with your daughter. What kind of sanctions and consequences is she getting after a violent outburst? Maybe you could sit down with her and agree a contract of some sort. Point out that violence will no longer be tolerated and that if she is violent towards you then "this" and "this" will happen as a consequence. You'll need to find something that she really cares about and will also need to be very strict about following through with your threats. If she is into computers, for example, you could take away computer time as a punishment. If this results in more violence, then continue taking things she cares about until she gets the message that you mean business and that she will no longer be allowed to get away with this behaviour.
I also don't see much wrong with the mental health team's suggestion of calling the police, I would do it if my son was violent towards me. Maybe it could be the shock that she needs to realize that this is not acceptable. It's all very well saying she'll be a frightened little girl, but is it any better that you are frightened by her attacks? She is not a little girl, she is nearly an adult and presumably adult sized and if she is going to continue to act like this she may one day get herself into serious trouble. If this happens, she will certainly be treated like an adult.
Hope that helps.
~ Mel ~
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Hi Buck32tom,
I, personally, would be extremely cautious about trying to dx anyone based on a list of symptoms.
You say that your daughter's behaviour is very different at home than at school; what kinds of behaviours at home are a problem? Have the school talked about any worries they might have regarding her social skills and does she have friends at school or does she spend the day alone? You mention that your daughter is coming across rude because she doesn't know how to talk to people; have the school ever raised concerns about rudeness? Could it be that she is behaving badly at home because she knows that she is able to get away with it and that she cannot at school? In my experience, people with AS cannot just turn on and off their traits at will, although I do know that some people feel that their child holds in their stresses whilst at school to then 'release' at home, where they feel free to do so.
I don't see any harm in discussing your concerns with your GP or the school to see what their opinions might be but I can understand that, at 13, your daughter might not welcome this.
All the best.
~ Mel ~
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Hi, I agree with Bed32, it's dangerous at this stage to remove him because then the LA can wash their hands of you, so to speak. I would speak to the Head at mainstream and ask if they can permanently exclude him for his own good and for theirs. When my lad was in mainstream the Head told me in confidence that it would be better if they excluded him and that way force the LA to make better provision. If the Head won't agree, you could remove him with a doctors certificate citing stress for the reason he is not able to attend, but I wouldn't just remove him. Do you know how much longer it will be before a decision is made regarding the special school?
All the best with it.
~ Mel ~
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Have you tried contacting the NAS? They have information leaflets.
~ Mel ~
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Welcome Bodhi, sorry things are tough for your son at school at the moment. Has he always struggled? Does he get any support at school and do they have any suggestions for helping him?
At secondary school it is certainly helpful to have a dx and/or a statement so that support can be put in place. Good luck with that, hope things don't take too long.
~ Mel ~
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Hi shibbug, it sounds as if your lad does need extra help. He can get a statement based solely on social and emotional/behavioural needs, he doesn't have to be having problems academically. I would talk to the Head again and ask her to please apply for a statement on your son's behalf. I would then write personally to the LA backing up the school's request. It does sound as if the school are sufficiently concerned so I'm not sure why they feel it's not necessary to get a statement. At the very least, it would certainly help if he had a statement before looking into secondary school options, so it is a good idea to apply sooner rather than later and I would point this out to the Head.
Good luck with it.
~ Mel ~
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Anewman, I think it's a good idea to share your dx with your colleague. Like you say, it may give her a better understanding of why you find it difficult in some social situations and she may then continue to make an effort with you rather than maybe giving up and feeling that you either don't like her or don't want to talk to her. I know I often come across as stand-offish. I don't mean to, I want to be friendly, but just find it incredibly hard. My son is also very difficult to approach sometimes and I wish that others would make an effort to talk to him and not give up on him. He wants to hide his dx from people but I don't think that helps in the long run, if people don't know then they think up their own reasons why someone might be like they are and they might not always be accurate or correct.
~ Mel ~
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Great post. Well done KezT, you should be proud of yourself.
~ Mel ~
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Hi joybed, sorry, haven't time at the mo to give full attention to your post or the reply, as am rushing to get ready to go away on holiday. Didn't want to not respond though, so just wanted to say DON'T WORRY!!
I know this seems like a ridiculous thing to say, but believe me, I have been there and done that. My lad is now nearly 20 and six foot and you wouldn't believe from looking at him now the worry and stress we had with food when he was younger. We were frantic with concern, he was below the 0.2 centile for weight and the list of food he would eat got down to three items at one point. He stayed with his grandmother for five days so we could get away when he was 7 and all he ate the entire time was yogurt and KitKats. All I can stress is the more you worry the worse it gets and it does no good anyway. HE WILL BE FINE. You don't think that now, I know we didn't believe it either when people said it to us, we thought he was going to die or do himself terrible damage. But, here he is, nearly 20 and well. One day this will be behind you and it WILL GET BETTER. Just try to believe that and hold onto it, and try not to worry too much.
~ Mel ~ (*rushing off to Majorca*)
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Glad you're feeling better about things. I also felt a bit better when I went into work on Thursday, I think airing my thoughts here did help me too. Sometimes it's just about accepting who we are and not trying to hanker after being different. I wish I wasn't as reserved as I am, but I can't change it totally. I just try to make an effort to exchange a few words and smiles with one or two people each day and try to see those as a victory for me rather than feeling depressed about how I'm not the life and soul of the party; something I can never be.
All the best.
~ Mel ~
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Hi l'anima semplicetta, I am struggling with exactly the same issue at the moment. I am very reserved at work and tend to sit with my head down and get on with my work. As I'm only there for four and a half hours three times a week I feel I have to get stuck in and get on.
The people who sit near me are very loud and annoying, singing with no regard for other people trying to concentrate and chatting and laughing non-stop; I don't know how they manage to get any work done at all. Recently it has really started to get to me and I've become more and more insular. I say good morning when I get in and goodbye when I leave and no-one even answers. The rest of the time they just ignore me completely and I now feel the atmosphere is getting stonier and stonier. If I pass them in corridors they just glare at me, I don't know what I've done to upset them or why they seem to dislike me so much.
I can chat to other people in the large open-plan office, just a quick hi how are you, etc. but usually go through my time at work not saying a word to anyone. It's really getting me down and, like you, I relive it all when I get home and at the weekend and feel very tearful about it all. I'm very lonely at work but don't know how to go about changing things. I'm not one who can just suddenly start calling across the office like others do and if people talk I assume they're not talking to me. I've always been someone who is easily ignored and it really depresses me. I feel like leaving my job but I enjoy the work and know the team I work for values the work I do, it's just I can't seem to get 'in' with the people I sit with or near, I feel so remote from them.
Sorry, didn't have any advice for you but can really empathise and hope things improve for you.
~ Mel ~
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Hi Oxfordguy and welcome. I just wanted you to remember that you are in a two-way relationship and it sounds as if you are taking on all the compromising yourself. It isn't for you to fix the relationship on your own or to change to make it work without your partner having to lift a finger. You both should be working to make the relationship work, it isn't just all on your head. I agree with Tim in that you should not let your partner get away with having everything his way. If you need to text throughout the day to make you feel secure then he needs to understand this and accept that this is important to you, as you and your needs are just as important as his own. Don't let him get away with thinking that you will do all the hard work and the trying to make everything okay and easy for him. To me it just sounds like you are both new in your relationship and sometimes it takes a long time for a couple of work things out so that they both can be happy with how things are. Stick with it, if he makes you happy but don't feel tempted to change everything that you are to accommodate him as this isn't fair on you.
Good luck and sometimes it's just a matter of time.
~ Mel ~
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The criteria for dx is that if there was a speech delay in early childhood the dx will be HFA, if there was no speech delay, a dx of Asperger's is given.
~ Mel ~
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My son makes a continual sort of hmmm, hmmm noise. He does it more when he eats and it's also noticeable when he's watching telly or is washing up or something. It's a fairly recent noise, he used to make a lot of noises when younger. I find it very irritating and I worry that kids at college will start to notice too and find it a bit odd. I've been meaning to speak to him about it to see if he is aware that he is making it but haven't wanted to embarrass him, I'll mention it soon though.
~ Mel ~
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Welcome jbo. How old is your son? Take it easy on yourself for a while, it can be a shock to get a diagnosis, even though you may have been waiting for a long time for it, when it comes it still can knock your socks off. Give yourself plenty of time for it all to sink in and take it slow. Is he getting support at school and does he know about the dx himself? What about support for you also, do you have family/partner to support you at this confusing time?
~ Mel ~
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Hi Jeap, I really feel for you and, of course, for your son. My own son is 19 and sounds quite similar, although I am lucky in that he has agreed to do a one year course at college to delay having to go out into the big wide world for one more year.
Is your son on any medication for depression or anxiety? It sounds as if he feels very safe at home and breaking out into the world is very daunting for him. Does he go out by himself to shops, etc? I pushed my son into volunteering at a local charity shop just purely to give him somewhere to go and a focus for the day, otherwise during the long 10 week summer whilst I was at work he would be at home on his own with no motivation to go out. He was reluctant, but, again, I am lucky in that he will do what I tell him to do and doesn't have strong opinions of his own (it's not a good thing in the long-term, but at least he's pliable at the moment!).
Would your son respond to an ultimatum, i.e. he goes to the college course or else he will have to get work/go to a charity shop/volunteer at local dogs home, etc? Would you be able to transport him to college to take the worry out of the journey and make sure he is delivered safely, maybe arranging to hand him over to a college counsellor when you get him there?
I know how worrying it is. My son will soon be 20 and next year he will be in the same position, no skills to get out there into the world, it is frightening.
Good luck to you both and sorry I wasn't able to offer much in the way of advice.
~ Mel ~
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Very well done to you, hope the placement proves to be a very positive one and you can all relax.
~ Mel ~
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So happy for you and Glen, Jeanne, you both deserve peace and happiness.
I hope that he enjoys many years of fun and laughter with his new friend and that you enjoy many years of contentment also. 
<'>~ Mel ~
son and school not coping
in Education
Posted · Report reply
Hi hsmum, I think you are entirely correct to not push your lad to achieve GCSEs if he is not capable at the moment, for whatever reason. He has his whole life ahead to achieve GCSEs and other qualifications if he needs or wants to. What we have learned in hindsight is exactly what you state in your last sentence, that the pressure of school and of trying to achieve good results is sometimes not worth the high price that is ultimately paid. My lad is now 20 and had an extremely stressful time at secondary school, even though he was attending part-time and had support from the on-site ASD unit. He did come away with some GCSEs, but the toll it took on him, I believe, is irreversible. He did not make a single friend the entire time he was at that school and the mere fact of him being there sapped so much of his self-esteem and confidence that he is now hardly able to function. Yes, he has his GCSEs but so what? What good can they do for him when he hasn't the skills and confidence to actually USE them.
I have little advice for you, other than you know your son and how he is suffering. If I had the time to do again, I would take him out of that school in a heartbeat and spend the time working on social skills and life skills and confidence and self-esteem building. We felt we were doing the right thing, we felt we had no choices really. We felt we had invested so much time and effort that we should just keep going for another term .... and another term .... and another year, until he had spent so much time there that it felt impossible to make a change. I now think back to those years with such regret and sorrow. He was so isolated and lonely and suffered so much and we made him go there every day and it seems to me like some kind of torture now. I'm so glad it's over for us, but we have to live with the results of the damage that those years inflicted on our son.
~ Mel ~