Problem with boy at school

[Stephanie]

My son is 5 and in a mainstream primary school. There are two kids in his class with special needs - himself (HFA) and a child who is almost deaf and has a rare syndrome.

 

My son has a few friends but just cannot relate or get on with this other child with special needs. He refuses to sit near him, partner with him etc etc. They just do not get along.

 

Last week when I dropped him off in the morning, the other child had brought a ball to school and would not let my son play football with him (a regular thing) and grabbed my son around the throat ... so my son got all angry at that and lifted him up and threw him onto a pile of stacked chairs. The other child started crying and as he is half the size of my son and obviously looks physically handicapped, he got the sympathy vote. I was mortified that my child had reacted like that, and it was in front of this other childs mother and the head teacher. He is normally really passive but this child once bit my son really badly (had marks for months) and I think it has scarred him a bit. I am guilty of telling him to fight back rather than just take it because I don't want him to get walked all over.

 

This child is in my sons eyes "particularly naughty" and is always in trouble for being non conformist. My son is a stickler for doing things the right and proper way and doesn't like anyone who breaks the rules or has challenging behaviour. He gets upset that this boy continually misbehaves and upsets the apple cart at school.

 

I spoke with his Mum who was very nonchalant about it "they're just kids, they all fight" etc. but I can't accept that ... she told her boy to stop fighting but never asked him to let my son join in the football game.

 

I am wondering now how to handle it - do I go to school and ask to talk to his Full Time helper, do I invite him round for a play date (dreading that one), or should I just leave it up to the school to sort it out ... they are well aware of their differences but they still often lump them together because they are both special needs.

 

I know this is small chips .. but I think it could turn really nasty unless I intervene.

[oxgirl]

It's a tricky one, Stephanie, isn't it, sometimes kids just rub each other up the wrong way and just plain don't like each other.

 

I suppose you could go down a couple of different routes. You could take the hard line and talk to the school and try to get them seperated as much as possible or you could try a bit of reverse psychology and try to help them to be more friendly to each other.

 

What I used to do, if my lad was having a problem with a kid teasing him is I'd be extra nice to that child and make a friend of them myself. I'd make an extra effort to MAKE them like ME and what I found is that if they started to like me and see me as being nice to them, it would rub off and they would then be extra nice to my lad. There were two particular lads in his class who were very rough and ready lads and caused a lot of trouble in school generally, but because I was always really friendly to them they were always nice to my lad and used to go out of their way to be nice to him actually.

 

The idea of inviting this other lad over to play is a good one, I think. Maybe just for an hour or so and if it is a really positive experience for them both then it might help with their relationship at school.

 

Good luck. <'>

 

~ Mel ~

[cmuir]

Hi

 

Hhhhmmmmnn ... Firstly, I don't think it's acceptable that this kid grabbed your son by the throat. It's no wonder that your son lashed out in the way that he did. I note that you say this was in front of kid's mother and headteacher. I'm wondering why they didn't speak to the other kid and explain that it's not acceptable to do that. On a positive note it sounds a bit like perhaps the mother didn't want to make a big deal out of things (I'm not suggesting that you are - you're right to be concerned). It could have went the other way by her shouting the odds and not accepting any blame on behalf of her son. Admittedly, her response does seem a bit dismissive. I do think it's worth putting your concerns in writing that your son has told you that the other child is a repeated offender and you're concerned about the effect this has on your son, since your son has been the object on at least one occasion. Other than that, it's a tricky one!

 

Best of luck

 

Caroline