Can't be told No

[baileyj]

Hi, Max (6) seems to be changing, and I could really do with some advise, or to know if its common?

 

For years everything was concentrated on speech and understanding, now he can speak and understand us (this has come on in the last 12 months), we have a changing little boy. Great of course, but it does have its draw backs.

 

The worst thing is, if we tell him No don't do that, he just flips. Its as if he searches his memory for a response, picks one from a cartoon, currently Bugs Bunny, and comes at you saying "shut up, shut-it up" trying to put his hand over your mouth.

 

So, he can be trying to do something that may hurt him, like stand on the saddle of his bike, so I say "Max, don't do that, you may fall and hurt yourself", and flip, off he goes. It doesn't matter what tone of voice I use, either normal, quiet, or shouting (Ive tried them all), he just can't stand to be told not to do something he wants to do. I try to calmly explain hes being told not to do it because we love him and don't' want him to hurt himself, but still no good.

 

He gets so angry, and it always ends up in him storming off and in tears. That breaks my heart as he looks so sad.

 

Is he playing us? I think maybe weve spoilt him, and he's always got away with too much because of his autism. I suppose I make excuses for him thinking, he's autistic he doesn't know its wrong.

 

Does this happen to other people? How do you handle it? Do you have any suggestions for ideas on ways round it? Is there a better way to say No?

 

Help please, its getting so difficult.

 

Jo

[elun1]

Hi Jo It's good to see you're still around (you were the first person I ever chatted to on Babyworld when my son was diagnosed 3 yrs ago!)

My ds is 5 and at the lower functioning end of the spectrum. He too hates to be told 'no' and whereas he was at age 2/3 quite 'spaced out' and compliant the opposite is true now! I try to make very very simple bargains with him e.g. first food, then computer and this sometimes helps a bit. We also use a visual schedule as seeing what's coming next can sometimes avert a tantrum. I know though that in real life you may have to say 'no' many times a day and often you can't predict when that's going to be! My ds wants his own way, basically and when he can't get it to be honest I just now accept a tantrum is coming and try to keep him safe throughout it. He would run our house if we let him! I too have often tried to let him have his own way to 'keep the peace' and because I know his autism makes things so difficult for him but more and more now I'm trying to say 'no' and deal with the consequences. I know how hard it is but in a way I suppose it's more like 'normal' development - I think the toddler phase comes a lot later with some of our children and testing the boundaries is all part of that. I've asked for support with my ds from a Behavior support team linked to the LEA. I haven't heard a thing from them yet though!!

Take care Jo - hope things improve for you soon

Elun xxx

[Nikkih]

Hi Jo,

 

I have total sympathy with you on this one although our problem isnt that our son gets angry, rather that he gets very upset if he thinks he has done something wrong or something that upsets us. We are always trying to think of ways to tell him not to do something or to quieten down without him crying for ages afterwards.

 

I have also been through the same emotions as you are experiencing now. Our son is now 10 but didnt have any speech until he was 5 so when he did start speaking we were so grateful to hear it we gave him anything he asked for. Sam also quotes cartoons and videos and spends a lot of his time speaking in an american accent.

 

I'm afraid i dont have any pearls of wisdom for you but i just thought i would let you know you're not alone and I would also welcome any advice on how to handle this.

[MichelleW]

My son also recites things from TV and spoke in an Australian accent after playing Ty on the playstation! He doesn't like being told not to do something or not being able to have something. A technique that might work, but isn't always easy to remember to do, is to find a positive alternative. i.e. instead of saying "No - Don't Do that" Try saying "Can you do X instead?" with lots of praise if he does. Distraction techniques are also supposed to help. But personly, I find it difficult to stop and think before I say something! I think it is true that at 5 or 6 they can be going through the "terrible 2s" stage. Unfortunately I also have a terrible 2 as well!

[darky]

i have a similar problem with my daughter and it is worse now shes getting older. i dont think my girl sees herself as a child in the family, but as an equal. she often says to me that im her friend and being friends means i cant tell her what to do, even if it is dangerous. she just seems to have her own agenda most of the time, she participates if it suits, but refuses if it dont!!

 

i try and distract her rather than use the word no now, not easy especially if she is about to put keys in an electric socket or something!!