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      Depression, Mental Health and Crisis Support   06/04/2017

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loulou

does anyone have experience or advice

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loulou   

Hi everyone,

 

I wondered whether any of you wise mums and dads have any advice or experience on coping with large age gaps between children?

 

Kai is 8 (ADHD/AS) and is my only child. I'm expecting another baby (another boy!) in 10 weeks time and i'm feeling a very anxious about how he's going to cope. I don't really know how much to involve him. He seems quite proud that he is going to be a "big brother" and says the baby can join his "secret club" :wub: .

 

I think the reality however may not be quite so great.

 

His clinical psycholgist is "very concerned" about his potential to hurt the baby (he can be pretty violent) and thinks we should increase his school boarding from 2 nights a week to 4. I don't think this is the answer, as I don't want Kai to think he's being pushed out or punished.

 

I know he will be a bit jealous (as would any child) , so i'm trying to minimise this by not letting my family make too much of a fuss of the baby once he's born.

 

Any experiences or advice would be very greatly appreciated >:D<<'> ,

 

Loulou xx

Edited by loulou

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jen   

I have two children aged 9 and 17 years. Sometimes the gap is an advantage at other times its worse because your first child is going through the hormonal stage. You find the youngest will soon learn to fight quickly and will take hits off his older brother that are very agressive. But saying that they do love each other dearly.

 

 

I think you may be surprised at how your eldest will be pleased he has a younger brother, also its good to have a brother or sister.

 

Jen

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hev   

katie was born when steve was 10 and on the whole he copes ok,he doesnt like her going in his room and her constant talking gets on his nerves but i think thats the same with NT kids with little siblings as well.

 

i was exhausted when k was born and steves behaviour as well was quite hard to deal with on top so anytime someone offers to have either of the kids SAY YES,if anyone had k i would watch a video just me and steve even though there was 100 things i felt needed doing but he enjoyed those me and him times.

 

all in all for me its worked out ok,kai will love being a big brother,somehow it all falls into place once the baby comes,we are not the waltons by any means but steve does enjoy being a big brother

 

cant wait for your baby to arrive,can i be a cyber godmother? :D

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loulou   

Of course you can Hev :wub: ! I can't wait for him to arrive either as i have a problem with my pelvis and i'm walking like a 99 year old woman at the moment! It's so painful, i don't know how i'm going to last another 10 weeks :( .

 

Thanks for the replies >:D<<'>

 

We've already discussed having a stair gate across Kai's room to keep the baby away from his precious toys.

 

Loulou xx

Edited by loulou

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Kathryn   

Well I'm not sure about the "wise" bit but I do have the same age gap, by choice. My daughter, L was 8 when my son O, was born. They're now 17 and 9. Right now they're playing on the x box together and they have a great relationship, similar interests in games and films and they've taught each other so much. I think O has done more than anyone to help L with social skills, and in turn she's helped bring him on academically. Both of them show a lot of sensitivity to each other - she makes allowances for his age and he's very caring and accommodating of her autism. I think L is less mature than a 17 year old NT girl would be anyway, and so the age gap probably appears less.

 

I'm trying to remember how it was 9 years ago when O was born :huh: I don't think jealousy was a problem. She virtually ignored him for the first few weeks, contrary to everyone's belief that she would be a little mother. :lol: Because her needs were very different to his, they were never in competition, so he didn't intrude on her life too much. I could sit and feed O while talking or even reading to L, for example. We found for a long time that we couldn't go on outings that pleased everyone, so L's dad took her swimming once a week, and I did activities just with her at the weekend. So we consciously tried to ensure that we each spent time with her - after all, 8 years of being the sole focus of your parents' attention is a long time!

 

There were times when I felt pangs of guilt about having another child, but now I think it's the best thing that could have happened to L, as she has few other strong bonds with people. They have a tremendous affection for one another which I hope will continue after we, her parents, are gone.

 

I hope you find that Kai soon accepts his baby brother as part of the family - even if love takes a little longer. You may find you're really tired in the early days so planning some treats and outings for Kai with other members of the family might give you a break, and give you a chance to focus on the baby without worrying about the impact on Kai. I can understand your worries about aggression, it's hard to predict what will happen. I have to say, during L's period of extreme anxiety and depression when she was throwing furniture etc. about and shouting and lashing out at us, she never laid a finger on O, not once. :wub:

 

Take care >:D<<'>

 

K x

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adamsmum   

K is nearly nine. When max was born we made fuss of him he do's after all have a very importent roll as big brother. He helps with nappys rocks max in the rocker and so on. Ther wher times of jelasy but thay passed after we prased him for being a great big brother. I would be weary of increasing boarding school this could make things he maye feel replacesd and so on. I hope things will work out just stay positive and try keeping his rountine in place as best you can. I know this can be hard. We have 5 boys ranging from 4 monthe to 9 years 3 of them AS so know how worrying this can be we found it worked out better then expected i hope this is the case with you. Let use know how you get on have you thout of names

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J was 4 and a half when my second one was born, so not quite such a large age gap. I didn't have any problems with jealousy, but the problems started when H became a toddler and started touching J's things, or when he started hitting or biting J. So many times J has said to me " I don't want a baby anymore - he is naughty now!" Or " When H was a little baby - before he became naughty......" But I think the benefits to J have been huge - he is so much more sociable and interactive now. And I'm hoping that they will become close "friends" - probably the only friend J may ever have (apart from me!)

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Hi

 

My DS was almost 7 when DD was born. He was quite excited by the prospect of a sibling and we made sure the initial meeting was positive cos she brought him a present :P I tried to involve him as much as possible, getting him to think up names (though I did tell him we would pull suggestions out of a hat - cos he had some very weird ideas (Comet and Cranky Frankie come to mind!)) Things went well as the others said until she began to use 'his' playroom! They love each other dearly and often have cuddles - usually just before they're tearing each other's hair out! I don't think they are much different to other siblings, though DS has a very short fuse and cannot 'ignore' any annoying behaviour & usually resorts to squealing at his sister. They are just getting to the stage where they will watch some of the same TV programs - up to now I was running a rota system :lol: BTW, he still talks to her as if she's a year old!

 

That said we are very conscious of the fact that he was on his own for 7 years and we often take him out alone for dinner, movies, etc.

 

Good luck

A

ps had the back thing too - still a bit dodgy after 4 years

Edited by D's Mum

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AnnieH   

There are 23 months between DD1 (non-dx ASD???) and DD2. To be honest I am surprised how DD2 managed to live past 6 moths, and still even today They are 8 ans 6 now, DD2 always gets the brunt of DD1's aggression.

 

I had a boy when DD1 was 6 and a half, and was a bit anxious about it. She loved him from the moment she saw him. She wanted a brother and does everything she can for him. We have to watch her very carefully with him though as he ended up in hospital overnight when she dropped him on th floor. She was carrying him and tripped. Thankfully all was OK, but could have been worse. But the onl trouble we have with her is that she loves him TOO much if that makes sense, and we have to be very careful to watch her with him.

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