School want to see us ...

[Stephanie]

The Head Teacher wants to see us next week as my 5 year old (Year 1) HFA is having a problem with a girl at school. He thinks she is his friend and wants to be with her, sit next to her and play with her all the time. He won't let her play with other children and is becoming quite aggressive with anyone who tries to get near her. At the end of the day, he just wants a best friend and he is trying so hard for it to be her. The girl is not too bothered right now about his 'advances' but you can tell if it carries on that she will be). He kissed her the other day and told me she is his "special girlfriend". He doesn't really have any other real friends as such. He isn't a loner, he really loves the company of the other children, but of course, they don't necessarily want his company.

 

His anxiety levels are high, he often cries at school which greatly upsets me as he doesn't at home and I have told the school that I want to see how they are managing him and that I have concerns with the amount of tears he is shedding. So a meeting has been arranged.

 

The school are yet again looking to me for all the answers. Everytime they are having issues with him (which to be fair, isn't often) they call me in to ask my advice. I have already been in once or twice and have told them everything I know and have given them numerous books/social stories/strategies etc. I think sometimes they just assume he will adapt and do what is appropriate for an NT ... but of course, that's not the case - he needs the extra help and they don't always know how to give it.

 

It's a small infant school and they haven't had any experience with ASD kids before but have attended courses, meetings, read the books etc etc. and are really trying although they sometimes treat him more like a "text book" child than the individual he is.

 

I'm just feeling a lot of pressure to come up with all the answers ... I am kind of wanting them just to sort it out and get on with it (they must have tackled similar issues with NT kids??) I am also feeling like they want me to do more at home about it ... and I can't! I am also dreading this girls mother complaining about it (I don't know if she even knows he has SEN).

 

We have gone over the issue with the girl with my son loads of times and in theory he knows it but can't put it in to practice. I think it is more of an obsession and something "he has to do" ... "he has to sit next to her". Most of his obsessions are short lived.

 

Has anyone had anything similar? Do you think its right that they keep leaning on me for all the answers? Should I inform my Educational Psychologist about what is happening? Am I being too stressed out and mumsy about it?

 

So heartbreaking, all I want for him is to have a friend!

[Karen A]

Hi Stephanie.We have had lots of similar difficulties with Ben.He is really keen to have friends but also tends to become a bit over enthusiastic.We have been fortunate that other children's parents have been understanding.Do the school have access to ASD outreach because it sounds like they could do with some more outside help? Karen.

[Emum]

The problem is that they don't have any hands-on experience to rely on. Rather than do nothing at all, they are asking you for your opinion, as you have more experience than they do. Whilst I can see that this is putting pressure on you, it is better than them just ignoring the problem, surely? They have also, you say, invested money in training so they know the theory. Given that they haven't, you think, ever had an ASD child at the school, it is difficult to see what more you could ask of them.

 

Your options are:

 

1. to move your child to school which has educated ASD children in the past (but it may not be as willing as your child's school to consult you about problems, and is more, rather than less, likely to stereotype your child and treat him in the same way as "all autistic chidren")

 

2. to find an expert, whom you could suggest the school calls in for advice - an outreach service from a special school, a psychologist or SALT specialising in autism, an EP with expertise here.

 

3. to bear with it for the time being, and to focus your efforts on educating one or two key members of staff about your son, so that they can then pass the info on to the other members of staff. Hopefully things will get easier. It's easy to think that school should be the experts, but actually you know more about your child and how he reacts in situations than school does, whether they have in the past educated 500 ASD children or none. My DD is lucky enough to be in a special school, but nonetheless I am still asked regularly about what strategies work for her at home, and I do feel on lots of occasions that I know more about what will work for her in a given situation than school, notwithstanding their huge experience of other ASD children. I would feel a huge loss if I wasn't being consulted for views on this.

 

There is just no such thing as the perfect school with all the answers for our children, but it doesn't sound on the basis of what you have posted, like your child's school is doing a bad job (unless of course there is more going on behind this than you say) They key thing is that they accept him and are trying to help (if they were trying subtly to squeeze him out, as has happened to so many other ASD children in mainstream schools it would be so much worse).

[Cat]

I think that the school are being very wise but they could maybe do with some outside input as well as input from you. But if they are not pointing the finger at you I think they generally are hoping for advice from the expert - you

 

If this is not nipped in the bud then there could be HUGE problems ahead and that's why it's good to do something now. Is there an Outreach Team they should have expertise in this area? I would maybe suggest a social story about friends and about 'why' this little girl may want to play with other children. It wont be easy and it will have to be pitched at your son, who is very young, so maybe a speech therapist needs to be included so that they can assess his levels of understanding. The story will also have to be on-going and probably something that both school and home use together everyday.

 

It is sad because probably your son is using this child as his crutch and possible coping strategy but in the long run the child will not want to be just his friend and it will be even more upsetting if the break in attachement is left until then.

 

I hope this helps a little.

 

Cat

Edited January 12, 2007 by Cat

[lancelot]

Hi Stephanie,

Not really got much to add to that advice, but it sounds so like my son at the same age -- he was attached almost to the point of obsession to a very nice but shy little girl, A, and school were worried that it was both hard on her and likely to cause problems for him when they had to be separated (different forms in Yr 1 according to age).

 

Luckily for us, another train-obsessed little girl (E) arrived just before the split, and he transferred his affections with embarrassing speed, leaving poor little A saying, 'But he was meant to be MY special friend!'

 

They are 10 and 11 now, and all genuinely good friends still, despite very different characters and interests, so it can work. Maybe it's best to 'dilute' the idea of best friends, though? How do the other child's parents feel about it -- would this little girl come over to visit?

 

Good luck (and boy do I know what you mean about school wanting you to sort it all out even when you aren't there -- remote control, maybe?)

L

[LizK]

That sounds hard. Fair dues to your school to be asking your advice and listening as many school seem to overrule parent's views. It sounds like they are trying but need some expert outside helpthough and not just placing the burden on you. Does your LEA have an Autism Outreach service? Have they been involved with your son as they would be ideally placed to deal with this issue? Is your EP any good? She should be advising the school too.

 

I would try a social story about friends with him and see if over time that helps. Also get to the school to look at strategies to help him make friends with other children. Does he have an LSA? Can the LSA model playing with other children or do small group activities with him to facilitate friendships? Do the school do a social communication group with him which could help him learn the social rules of friendship in a fun way? Do they operate a buddy system? Adam has a 'special friend' each day who sits next to him and helps with his activities etc, plays with him in the playground if he's on his own. This has helped him to integrate into the class and whilst he's not really got close friends as such he perceives himself as having friends and company which is all he wants

 

Lx

Edited January 12, 2007 by LizK

[Stephanie]

Hi thanks.

 

Yeah they have outreach and the school are doing their very best .. and so are we, but I think the lady from outreach might need to come out and visit soon (if not just to sort out this friend then, than to give us some advice on how to ease his anxiety), I will suggest it at the meeting (but worry that then it looks like I am telling the school that they can't cope!)

 

The other thing is trying to convince them they need to increase his SEN hours.

 

Don't get me wrong, I like them telling me what is going on and appreciate that we know him better than anyone else - but not in a school environment, he is soooooo different at school.

 

Social stories/books on emotions ... he reads them, memorises them word for word but then can't seem to put them into practice. I just don't think he understands the impact he is having on this girl. I am hating the fact he is having all these crying outbursts when I am not there too.

[cmuir]

Hi

 

This situation sounds similar to the one my son was in last year at nursery. He became obsessed about another little boy and wouldn't do anything without this other kid. It got pretty bad especially if this kid was off sick, Robert would have to be at the kid's front door before he'd believe he was unwell. Getting him to nursery was another massive hurdle! He was changing his teddies name, etc. The other child's parents were aware and could see for themselves the difficulties. Robert's aggression gave them no choice but to distance themselves. This came at the same time as the summer holidays which helped. I do feel sad that this happened, however, it has worked out for the best. Robert is much more independent and has a few 'friends'. He started to become very friendly with a neighbour's little boy who is in the same class. I'm very careful about keeping a healthy distance and not allowing them to play together every minute of the day (much easier during dark winter nights!).

 

Could the school allocate a buddying system or circle of friends. Circle of friends means that a small group of children befriend your son and not just any one child?

 

Best wishes

 

Caroline