what do you think?

[claire33]

Hi All

 

Its a bit personal this but i want to ask anyway because im not sure what to do.

K hasn't seen his father for almost 2 yrs now there has benn discussions between solicitors for quite a while about contact well mostly on and off i would say more off than on his part.

However he has started again just last week and is saying now that if i dont let him hes taking it to court, now he has no idea about k's problems or should i say he knows just not to what extent.

Now when i was with him he was never much of a father and to be honest i think the only reason hes doing this now is to save face if you know what i mean!!

K is having real problems with coping at school at the moment and a change like that could put him well back and i honestly dont think that allowing him contact would benefit k at all.

K never asks about him or even mentions him and i dont want to start it all off again as doing so would cause even more problems and its not just k that would suffer it would be everyone at home through his behaviour and everything else and i honestly dont need it and couldn't cope, and i dont think k could either i dont see why he cant just leave well alone k doesnt want for anything and is fine how he is all things considered.

When i got the letter about contact it made me feel physically sick.

What do you think????

I honestly dont think any good can come of it he didnt used to look after him properly whn he went down before he was always dirty or ill when he came back (mostly taking fits which i can now say he has never had one since he stopped going).

Please help what should i do?????

[David Matthew Baker]

I can't go by any experience but I'll tell you what my instincts are.

 

I'd personally send him a letter explaining that you think it would really unsettle your son. I'd also detail exactly why and also make sure he has the details of all his problems and where he could find out more info. If he goes away and tries to find out more so that your son going to see him may stand a small chance I would slowly try and adjust your son to the idea. If not I would explain that it is in the best interests of your son not to be unsettled. Explain that various things are only just settling down and because of his condition the last thing he needs is change. You could always try and get your x to write if your son could understand it and reply. If it seems to be making things worse though I'd make it clear that you'd have to pull the plug (so to speak) immediatally. Not for your best interests but your sons.

[dolly]

Hi claire , I agree with David but i would do it via a solicitor and if contact goes ahead make it supervised then if your son shows any distress you can remove him from the situation . Good luck im sure you can do without this upset <'>

[witsend]

Hi - to be honest claire If your sure K seeing his Dad again is not in his best interests (and it sounds from what you've said you are sure) then I would handle it all via solicitor and refuse him access. If he does take it to court then from what you've said it sounds unlikely he would get very far, especially with the lack of contact and knowing so little about K's 'problems'.

I know this may sound harsh to some, but I think having an unreliable and untrustworthy parent around is worse than not having one at all. If K is happy and settled with you and the way things are at home and if he does not miss or ask about his father then what is the point of risking that?

Good luck with it, and take care of yourself it must all be horribly stressfull for you <'> .

Luv Witsend.

[baddad]

Hi all -

 

Just offering another perspective, but generally I think kids do benefit from having some sort of relationship with both parents, even if one of them is less than ideal... I'm not suggesting that that should be an automatic right, or in any way a 'given', and definitely not if it is apparent that the child is suffering as a result, but I think until that point is reached everyone should do as much as they can to foster contact because there are long-term implications as well as the (very valid) short-term ones.

 

I think the best approach is probably a 'softly softly' one: agreed access -strictly one to one for now (last thing he needs is inconsistent in-laws or new partners added to the mix) - over an agreed period with very firm 'rules' about consistency (and appropriate warnings if that's going to fall apart for any reason). If that goes well, then the scope can be broadened, with others (grans/grandads/partners etc) bought into the equation and more regular dates and stuff.

 

If you can agree all of that stuff yourselves, even better, 'cos dad's likely to feel more comfortable about guidelines he's worked out directly than any that are 'forced' upon him by the court.

 

If you can't do it between yourselves, maybe Relate would be a better option than the courts - they do offer mediation services too, and if things did go to court it would demonstrate a willingness on both sides to try to do things amicably.

 

One other thing i'd say - and please don't take this personally because of course I know nothing about your situation whatsoever, so it's just a general observation: The relationship father's have with their children is often very different from the one's mothers have, and sometimes things that appear 'wrong' from one perspective are actually not as problematic as they can seem if looked at from an outsiders perspective. I think as the primary carer of a child with special needs our perspectives can sometimes get a little skewed - we get so used to protecting them from all sorts of negative judgement's that we find ourselves getting a little bit too defensive from time to time. I'll be the first to put my hand up - so it's not a 'wimmin' thing, it's just the natural response of someone loving a kid who needs a little more understanding than most...

 

 

 

Hope that's helpful, and very very best with a very difficult problem <'> <'>

 

 

 

L&P

 

BD

[Flora]

Hi, I totally agree with Baddad on this one.

 

I am divorced from the father of my children so I know exactly where you are coming from. My kids' dad has recently moved closer (for work reasons) which means he is now spending more time with them (well at least from a freqency point of view)... ie.. he used to see them for about one weekend in 6 but over last few months he's had them every other weekend.... This all went wrong and it got to the stage where Bill just point blank refused to go to spend another night at his dad's house. His dad was very angry and basically blamed everyone but himself for this (it's a long story but boils down to the fact that he doesn't even begin to understand Bill and was handling all wrong and antagonsing)..... His dad came round to pick up the children one Saturday morning and said... 'If he doesn't agree to come I'm just going to pick him up and put him in the car whether he likes it or not'.... This caused an unecessary row because over my dead body was he going to man handle our 13 yo son like that..... However... after much expostulating we agreed that we'd give Bill control.... his dad would pick up the children... take them for lunch (including Bill) and bring him home if he wanted... a few weeks later Bill has decided that he'll stay for one night once a month... So without a fight the relationship between father and son is starting to repair itself. Sorry if I appeared to go off on a tangent there, but basically you have to forget your own feelings here and think of what is best for the child... .sometimes that means being firm with them.. other times it means stepping back and letting things happen naturally.

 

If your child's father is wanting to have contact then it's really important that you let it happen... (controlled as Baddad suggested)....You can't ever underestimate the importance of both parents in a child's life... IF it's possible of course. It may be that your thoughts are right and that it will not be the best thing... but it also may be a very positive thing for your child... but you need to give it the chance to find out.

 

Best wishes

 

Flora XX

[hev]

steven didnt see his dad for 3 years after he left,his dads choice,steve wanted to see him then out of the blue his dad wanted contact,by that stage steve was getting on well after all the upset of not seeing his dad but i though well hes his father i cant deny him access,what did he do?saw him twice,decided he couldnt handle him and hasent seen him once in 8 years,leaving me to pick up the pieces of a heartbroken boy all over agai,

 

i would say go with your feelings about how your son would cope with seeing his dad,you know him best,if you think it is not the thing to happen then make it clear why and stick to your guns,they are our babies and why should they be hurt,they got enough to cope with without any more upset.

 

i probably sound bitter and twisted and i know all situations are different but you know your situation best <'>

[bid]

Have to say I agree with BD and Flora, too. I'm divorced from Auriel's father. I felt that it was vital that they maintained a relationship, plus I wanted to be sure that my son would never be able to turn round in years to come and say I stopped him from seeing his father.

 

Obviously, things can't always be like that, and you know your situation best <'>

 

Very best at sorting out what is right for your family in a very difficult situation <'> <'>

 

Bid

[cmuir]

Hi

 

In my opinion I would have said ask your son what he wants to do. However, he's only 6. I would explain via solicitors the reasons why you have concerns about his father having contact with your son. For one thing, he knows nothing about ASDs. If he did have contact, I'd make it conditional that he had to attend a course (eg Help! Programme run by NAS). I'd also insist that someone whom your son is familiar with (if it wasn't yourself) was present for first few visits. I'd also be quick to point out that your son hasn't asked about his father. I can see where you're coming from. Problem is, in years to come will your son feel aggrieved if there's no contact at all after having had the opportunity? If there's some reason other reason why you think your son's dad may be a bad influence (if he's a bit of a lad!) then that's another reason.

 

Hope things work out.

 

Caroline.