Pushing my son to do things?

[Bevvy]

Hi

 

I was too reading a reply to another thread regarding 'pushing' your child to do things. My son (4 with suspected Aspergers) is scarred of everything - water pistols, hairdryers, bouncy castles, bikes, rides, new climbing frames, trains. So much so that it affects where we can go out. If I gently 'force' him, with usually much embarassing commotion - it looks as if I am torturing him and everybody stares disapprovingly!! - he does end up liking certain things.

 

Prime example is this. Last week he was given a water pistol in a party bag. He was petrified of it, wouldn't have it in his sight. Silly I know but gradually by me spraying the flowers with it and then spraying myself and then slowly his toes he is no longer petrified infact he keeps asking for me to get it out and squirt him. He would still freak if it went in his face but at least now we won't have the screaming ab-dabs everytime it comes out! Sometimes what separates our children from others and makes them stand out is such fears and obsessions and while this strategy won't work on all levels for some things it has helped.

 

Same with train rides. My son is obessed with trains but wouldn't go on one. My husband picked him up kicking and screaming on put him on one and within 5 minutes it was the best thing ever!

 

It is almost like desensitizing him. Now I refuse to wait until he is out to vaccum. I turn the telly up for him and carry on. He complains that it's too noisy but it has stopped the hysterics!

 

I know there are somethings that this wouldn't work for like forcing him to stand next to the food blender when it's on but for others it can help.

 

Anyone else had any experience of this? Or am I cruel?

 

Thanks

[lynda4]

I think "forcing him" to do things isn't good but it doesn't sound like you're doing that as such. You're slowly desensitising him as you said, little by little. I think that's the way to go as a general rule, or else if you didn't try to help him with his anxieties, he would probably continue being afraid of everything and letting that happen can be equally cruel. Bearing in mind that each time you do it is a big trauma to him, even if the outcome is good, I wouldn't do too many things at the same time, or close together. Your dh physically picking him up, kicking and screaming and taking him on a train .... well, I wouldn't have done that, I think its too much all in one go. Although this time it had a good outcome, it could so easily have gone the other way. He sounds like quite an anxious little boy and I think you need to tread carefuly with him or it could make his anxiety much worse, also his behaviour generally.

 

There are times when you just have to do something that makes them that upset, like forcing them to sit in the pushchair when you have to go somewhere you can't put off. Or fastening them into a car seat or changing a nappy. My son used to scream horribly and fight as if for his life while I did that, but in those cases, there just wasn't any other way when being gentle and understanding didn't work. There will be occasions when you have to make him do things he finds very difficult, and that's very hard on him, so try to keep to a minimum what else you make him do, that you don't need to - if you see what I mean?

[cmuir]

I guess a lot of it is to do with the fear of the unknown. I think you're doing exactly the right thing by introducing things slowly. Perhaps an illustrated social story might help. You're doing your best and stick with it.

 

Caroline.

[JsMum]

I agree that what your doing is doing it bit by bit and not really pushing him, so I think your been very understanding of his feelings and emotions that will give your son a lot of trust towards you and reasurrance.

 

Pushing where its abprupt with no choices as all and no preperation could lead to the child been very insecure and have little trust in the carer, he may not display instant behavioural reactions but the emotional stuff may be stored and kept deep down causing psychological concerns.

 

The train situation may of needed a bit more gradulation but I dont know how many times you have let him meet trains, and step onto a train where it isnt going anywhere.

 

I think slowly aproach may have more long term results, the pushy ones may well get results quick but at what cost and maybe only for the short term.

 

I think children need to be given support and reasurrance just as much as an adult who may have agrophobia, we dont force them outside kicking and screaming, they are encouraged bit by bit and given an opportunity to express their feelings.

 

Children are the same, its just we can bully them into submission because they are small and seen as the child with no real vioce, even when they are clearly saying how something makes them feel or displayed in their behaviour.

 

Its great you are listening to him and supporting him.

 

JsMum

Edited June 12, 2007 by JsMum

[MichelleW]

I remember when J was about 4, he went to a birthday party where there were dodgems in a basement. he wouldn't go near them as he was petrified and his father said "if it was me, I would have put him in one - he would have soon got used to it" so I was glad I had gone and managed the situation so that he wasn't forced on to a dogem. Then after a while the music was turned on abrubtly and loudly and J became hysterical. I just instinctively grabbed him and raced upstairs and out of the building. His father wouldn't have had a clue how to deal with him. I wouldn't even consider throwing him in the "deep end" but a slow gradual process of introducing a feared object or situation is a good idea. J was scared of hoovers, planes etc. etc. but now, only 3 years later he has grown out of most of his fears.

 

So when the little one suddenly began to show these same types of anxieties a few weeks ago, I also started to try to get him used to things. The hoover was just left in the room switched off, then he would watch me hoover (on low setting) from the safety of the settee. He is also now OK with planes, if he can see them. And most things are OK if he can see where the sound is coming from. He has a fear of window cleaners - and also of petrol stations ( I think that was my fault though, knowing that J had been terrified of car washes, I went through a car wash with my youngest one and it scared him too, and I think he associated petrol stations and window cleaners with that experience). So I still take him with me when I go to petrol stations to put in petrol, but won't put him through a car wash ever again ( J still won't go through a car wash!)

[SarahSH]

I've been thinking lots about my son's struggles in similar kind of ways. It's made me wonder whether not pushing things ends up looking like a) yes it really is that scary or yes you really can control the world through mum. Neither of them are great messages for later life and maybe increase anxiety.

I know he's scared of a lot of things, but a huge part of it is the fear itself, and taking away the control - in a way that you know as his parent is safe - may actually reduce the anxiety.

Although I do remember having to get bread and milk once and he screamed "my mum is forcing me!" at the top of his voice so that a lady asked if he was OK and told me off. I could understand why she did in this day and age & it was hard to explain what was happening. I just tried my hardest not to look too evil.

Sarah

[Wicce]

He sounds a lot like my wee one. I've done much the same as you Bevvy, and so does my son's dentist! It's not forcing as such, I don't think - and it's made all the difference here.

[mandyque]

It's just one more huge minefield we have to deal with really isn't it? I think you're doing all the right things though, he will have to be desensitised so that he can cope in the real world, too much protection means that he will be forever fearful and will encounter more and more problems as he gets older.

 

Bit by bit is the way to go with most things but there will always be exceptions, when it's a matter of doing something because it is urgent and essential then he will need to learn how to cope, hopefully with people who care around him to support and encourage. The less things which would cause this level of stress, the better all round.