15 year old boy

[SarahSH]

Hi everyone,

as I've mentioned before, I've got a son who's AS and dyspraxic. he really struggles with friends. Sometimes I think the dyspraxia gets in the way more than the Asperger's, but maybe not. he certainly does express himself in an old-fashioned way, which other boys find off-putting. Not because they don't like him, they just don't rate him as someone to impress or strike jokes off in the way that teenage boys do. I used to hate this, but I do realise it's hard for them.

Anyway, it does mean that he hasn't really got any friends to do stuff with. I get the impression from some of the posts that this doesn't matter to some people with AS, but I think it does matter to my son. He has said he would like a friend, but he just doesn't know how you do it.

And then there's girls Here I think it really might be the dyspraxia, because girls don't seem to mind him being old-fashioned, but he tends to have his clothes all over the place & back to front etc (I try to police it but hate to be always nagging him - he hates it and it belittles him). So doesn't tend to look all that together poor kid & they don't seem to take him seriously. he gets outshone by other cooler kids. I don't think he wants an actual real live girlfriend yet ( would prob be appalled) but is starting to notice them and go scarlet .

He's growing up and wants to do stuff that he never did before - which is good, but he's got no-one to do it with and I don't know how to help.

Any ideas? perhaps I should just back off and leave him to it?

Sarah

[barefoot wend]

Sarah

 

I'm afraid I have no miracle answers but wondered if there might be any clubs he could join? Round our way Air Cadets is very popular and there seem to be quite a few AS children who go and thrive on the order and routine of it. It also provides them with a focus and topic of conversation - and it's mixed. Unfortunately, my 15 year old son isn't remotely interested, even though they get to go up in a plane - ho hum! Good luck.

 

Barefoot

Edited July 10, 2007 by barefoot wend

[cmuir]

Hi

 

A lot easier said than done, but is it possible you could find another teenager who perhaps has an ASD? I realise that that in itself could bring out a different set of difficulties. Just thinking that around that age it's so difficult anyway and maybe having someone else who has the same diffculties might be good for your son.

 

Although my son is 5, he's lucky in that there's another little boy whose in his class that has AS. That said, they've very different. Other little boy is quite obsessive and is seemingly very placid, whereas Rs main difficulties seem to come out in his behaviour (he's very unpredictable and can be very aggressive. Both however, are quite sociable, but that said, already the differences between them and the rest of their classmates are becoming more and more apparent as time goes on. In addition, R and his fellow aspie get on really well, but I do notice that when there's other kids around, it's his Aspie friend (whose more obviously Aspie) that seems to get left out - it's therefore much better to have one on one rather than a group.

 

I know that some people may think it best to have their kids mixing with NT kids (and I do agree to a point), but equally I think it's a relief for me to see R playing with another child who may face same difficulties later on (maybe bullying, feeling of not quite fitting in, etc).

 

Other than that, don't know what else to suggest.

 

Growing up can be lonely and painful - really hope you're son meets someone else to help him through it.

 

Best wishes

 

Caroline

[SarahSH]

Thanks Caroline and barefoot. There is a group starting in sept in my area for kids with additional needs. Will go along & see whether there are other boys like my son, or even not like him but just friendly to him. He feels unconvinced that people who need a friendship club getting together will really work - 'won't they all find it as difficult as me?' but we'll give it a go.

Sarah

[SarahSH]

PS Barefoot - does your son go out? have any friends? mind either way?

Sarah

[chriss]

Does he like football?

 

I read a Luke Jackson book where he talks about football and how being a fan can help people with ASD bond with others. My son (8) is a Liverpool fan and even though he is incapable of sitting down long enough to watch more than 5 minutes of any match he gets a lot out of it. We live on Merseyside, so lots of his peers are LFC supporters and it gives him a sense of belonging, and as he gets older it will give him a topic of conversation with other men that, hopefully, won't bore them silly.

 

As Luke says "when is an obsession not an obsession?"

 

"when it's football!"

 

 

 

By the way I always tell my son when Liverpool have won, so he can bask in reflective glory, but if I can get away without telling them they have lost I keep mum so he isn't downcast.

[barefoot wend]

Sarah

 

Totally empathise with the "won't they all find it as difficult as me?". My son went to an AS club for a while but gave it up because to him it was just 'a room full of random people doing their own thing who all have a problem with communication just like me.'

 

Since leaving school two years ago (we home ed.) he has managed to stay in contact with a couple of friends that he sees about 4x a year. We are also very lucky that we have three other children very close in age who always have their friends over and he finds it quite easy to interact on his own patch when there is not much pressure on him. He tends to 'know' all the rules, points systems, etc of any current game or craze so can be in demand as referee umpire or general all-round 'sage'. This is quite useful as a tool for helping him get-on and feel a sense of self-worth, so I tend to encourage it.

 

He would like to go to some clubs (usually ones that involve a current obsession) but when we try he gets very worked up and anxious and usually doesn't last. We keep trying. Sometimes he thinks he'd like to have more friends but is realistic enough to know it is hard because he wants them on his own terms. He does have alot of online 'friends' and we often hear him laughing uproarously in his room - maybe, some of them will become 'real' friends one day - who knows?

 

I hope your son finds a way.

 

Barefoot

[Suze]

This is a really hard aspect of having an ASD.My son is nearly 12 and other than seeing other children at school , he does,nt have any friends.However he has a goal to go to agricultural college when he is 16.We went to their open day a few months back and I,m so glad we did.This place was full of similar kids who all like to take engines to bits, wear massey ferguson overalls and rigger boots.I felt so much better after going to look round.Because I think that once he has left school and can pursue his own goals he will meet people who share his interests and make friends with them.

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Does your son have a paricular interest or hobby that could facilitate him making friends this way??