This fear of being alone...

[jlp]

G has always had a fear of being alone. He's absolutely hysterical (and this frequently shows itself as aggression) if left alone even if I nip upstairs for something. It started as a fear of Diesel from Thomas and although he's not frightened of this anymore the fears remain, even if we manage to get rid of one fear eventually he finds something else to be frightened of.

 

This means I have to stay upstairs until he goes to sleep and am woken at stupid o'clock most mornings from 5 or earlier. Ideally he'd like to be in our bed but we're holding out on this - I need some space even if it's just my own bed and also this would mean the little one would want it too and there isn't room in the bed for 4!

 

I've been just about coping with this even though it drives me mad I try to be understanding, I thought things would improve by moving to a house with a down stairs toilet (going upstairs to the loo was a big problem and I had to go too) but it hasn't really, he's still frightened. Not just of the toilet but of being alone in a room mostly - the constant 'Mammy where are you?' drives me mad but I realise he's very anxious and try to not let anything negative show.

 

Now ds#2 has started and this has knocked me for 6. It's really got me feeling so trapped and low, that I can't move for either of them. And although it's unreasonable I can't help but feel annoyed with ds#1 because I think it's his hysteria that's caused this in ds#2. I feel that I don't have any time from early am until 9 or 10 pm when they're finally, hopefully, asleep. Again I'm trying not to show any negativity but inside I'm so annoyed!

 

Is there anyone who has such anxious children? Most people I know have children who will potter about up and down and play. It feels so constant!

 

I'm pretty sure the fears are genuine and not attention seeking or likewise - ds#1 is addicted to the PC but will be off in and instant if his radar alerts him that I've left the room. Ds#2 I've tried to be a little tougher thinking he's just copying but if he finds he's alone upstairs (and I can literally just pop down for a second to get a drink or whatever) he sobs and is distraught. I don't know whether I should persist in trying to leave him for a few minutes, he doesn't have an asd but is really upset.

 

It really is driving me mad - it's been going on since ds#1 was about 4 and most of this time we've gone with it thinking if he's scared then forcing him will make him worse. He wouldn't anyway - there's just no way to get him to stay alone.

[Clare63]

Sorry jlp can't offer any advice just empathy, my 12 year can be the same, though at the moment he OK with going up stairs, sometimes I have to go with him to the bathroom and wait outside. He has always been a terrible sleeper and if he had it his way would have me lying with him till he fell asleep, tonight he called back down at 10.45pm shouting are you coming up to give me a cuddle or not !!! we have a spare room next to his where we keep a PC so if I or his dad are on that he'll quite happily stay in his room and drop off......well eventually.

Can understand your frustration, we worked on meeting half way, ie if you want to go up stairs I will come with you to the say 6th step and wait here, did seem to help.

Clare x x x <'> <'> <'>

[wishingwell]

My son has never been able to sleep alone in a room.

Slept in our room until his brother was 6 months old (5 1/2 years)

Then when they did move had to push cot right up against his bed

Now they sleep with two single beds pushed side by side, blackout blinds and special heavy quilt.

You are not alone with this problem.

[jb1964]

Is there anyone who has such anxious children? Most people I know have children who will potter about up and down and play. It feels so constant!

 

My daughter slept in with me til she was 7 - we did have a brief spell of about two weeks when she was 4 of sleeping on her own - but then she was ill during the night got frightened and came back in and never went back again. Unfortunately, hubbie had to sleep in the spare room - which didn't do our marriage any good!!!!

 

The turning point for us was my grandmother was seriously ill in hospital and I stayed down there until the early hours of the morning - our daughter didn't want to sleep with her dad so went in her own bedroom and stayed there ever since.....

 

She is a lot better now (she's 14) but still needs constant reassurance of where you are - i.e. just going upstairs or to put washing out etc.

 

Take care,

Jb

[JsMum]

The behaviours you have describe do sound similair to seperation Anxiety disorder, this is an intence fear of been abandant and feeling so lost without that person for attatchment.

 

It sounds like you have been incredibly strong emotinally becuase its so intence to have a child be so clingly but it is an intensive difficulty that needs patience and calmness, even the early waking might be due to hightened anxieties that you may not be still there so they wake in desperation that you are indeed there or even alive, so they shake you awake to make sure you take that breathe of air for them to see that mummy is still here alive and kicking, and maybe even shouting, at them to go back to bed, but at least your with them still.

 

I would maybe look into seperation anxiety disorder and try out some of the stratgies but from the sound of it your doing all the right things but school issues could be causing increased anxieties and therefore increasing the need for your constant insurrance, J often talks about been mummy sick, and that is quite a good description for J, he says when he doesnt know where I am or he is in bed alone or at school he gets mummy sick, J also only has myself and he is aware that if anything happened to me then he would be alone so this really does stay in his mind.

 

JsMum

[MichelleW]

Sounds very familiar, though J isn't as bad. But then again, we live in a small open plan bungalow and doors to bedrooms are always kept open. But if I'm in the toilet or garden and J can't find me, he gets really distressed. I hear him getting upset so rush to him, and he says "i thought I lost you!" But most of the time he is happy in another room as long as he knows where I am. Sometimes he is almost attached to me (by his feet!) and it drives me mad, but I try to stay calm (and suggest he uses his hands to stroke me instead of his feet!)

 

School is difficult - some mornings he really doesn't want to go - and when I ask him why he just says "I might miss you".

 

My youngest went through a phase, and sometimes he still gets very upset when I drop him off at nursery - but it isn't a major problem at the moment.

 

J slept in my bed till he was 3 ( but I was single!) and I was determined not to have DS2 sleeping in my bed, but some nights he wakes about 1 or 2 in the morning and I give in and let him climb in to my bed! That's quite rare for him though. Getting him to go to bed is the problem and though he doesn't speak, I know that he wants to get in my bed and I haven't giving in to that - he always goes to sleep in his own bed eventually.

 

I haven't really got any advice - I just try to reassure J that he can't lose me in the house, that I'll be there to pick him up from school etc. over and over again it seems!