Mentoring - I've had enough

[Mumble]

So mentoring's supposed to support me to achieve my potential, increase my confidence in social situations and support me in making sure that issues that arise as a result of being AS don't interfer with all that I can achieve, right?

 

So why do I feel totally worthless, unsuitable for any career, terrified of meetings with my mentor, misunderstood, stupid, a complete waste of space, incapable of anything, helpless and thoroughly angry at the world? She's managed to make me physically sick (and I'm not normally a sickly person - could be the antibiotics, but it was more huge anxiety) and I've scratched holes in my hand where I was digging my nails in in the meeting to avoid my anger coming out and me screaming at her and running out (which was all I wanted to do).

 

If I was an impulsive person I would be on a train to somewhere now where I can get some space (physically and metaphorically) to let off some energy and just to sort my head out. But I'm not, because I thought of all the planning I'd have to do to go away. I just need to get away from London somewhere where I don't have to worry about her and where people understand me. It's times like this where it really hits me that I don't have friends I can visit and don't have a good relationship with my mum - I want to go home and be looked after because I'm doing a ###### job of looking after myself at the moment, but I've got noone.

 

I sat in the student room on my own crying and crying after the meeting - I'd totally had enough and was having horrible thoughts of bridges and like to get out of ever having to see her again or having to cope with people generally. I just don't know what to do - I've got at least four more meetings with her and I can't cope with it at all. I'm shaking even at the thought of more time with her and would do anything to avoid it.

 

I had a brief meeting with her before she met with my supervisor and tutor and she was going on about how she didn't understand why degree or what I was doing so she couldn't give me the right support and then we went to the meeting and I used this point to start with so that my supervisor and tutor could explain to her, but she was all 'oh yes'-ing and 'of course'-ing as if she totally understood everything. Then when she saw me afterwards her first thing was 'well I don't understand what your degree's about'. It was all I could do to physically save myself from jumping up and screaming at her. I can't talk to her - I go mute without wanting to and can't say what's in my head - so she makes it up for me as if she knows. I don't understand much of what she says (she uses huge numbers of metaphors which I just don't get) and when I don't understand she has no understanding that I might be taking things literally (i.e. no understanding of AS) and just repeats them r-e-a-l-l-y r-e-a-l-l-y s-l-o-w-l-y.

 

I don't know what to do - if there was an alternative then I could present that as something to try.. There's huge amount of money being wasted on her to make me feel awful. I don't know how to get people to understand me because she is what I think is called two-faced in that she does all this agreeing and being nice around others then alone treats me like an imbecile. How do I make other people understand that - I feel like she's preying on my weaknesses - communication - to get away with it. I did talk to my supervisor sometime afterwards and he said I should email her telling her what I'm finding difficult, but how do I do this without being rude and then she might make things worse. I scared about seeing her on Wednesday and I don't want to do more to make it worse. I'm seeing my supervisor before and my meetings with him are so important but I'm going to be feeling sick with worry about seeing the mentor and it's going to maake what is normally a good meeting awful too.

 

I don't know what the point of this post is really - just needed to type rather than destroy things. Feel free to completely ignore me. Maybe I should just try and ignore myself. Things would be a lot easier on everyone if I wasn't around having 'support needs' that can't by accommodated.

[Alyth_mum]

Mumble do you want a bolt hole in Scotland? I have a spare bed....

 

Do you have a mobile phone/MP3 player that does voice recording so you can record her and play it back to your supervisor??

 

Sounds as though you do need a day trip to somewhere even it's just the local park with a book and lie on the grass and read (or pretend to read and think about what's going on) before we see Newspaper Headlines:

 

POST GRADUDATE STRANGLES MENTOR FOR BEING TOTALLY INEFFECTUAL AND A GENERAL PAIN IN THE A*SE

 

Take Care. PM me if you want some time out.

 

Louise x

[something vague]

Hi Mumble,

 

<'> it sounds like you're having an awful time with this mentor. I think that your supervisor is right to suggest that u communicate some of your difficulties with her through email.......could he read through it and let you know if he feels its rude?

 

It sounds like your mentor isnt very confident in her role......which is absolutely not your fault. Who supplies the mentor?.....could you email them to say you are having difficulty. Your mentor is supposed to reduce your anxiety not raise it so you've deffinately got a right to state your concerns to someone.

 

Sorry i dont have many suggestions. What would you say her role is? Does she need to be familiar with your degree to be able to support you?

 

SV

[pearl]

<'> <'> <'>

Its not you, its her.

Its not you, its her.

How can I put this? ITS NOT YOU, ITS HER!!!! <'>

 

Before I read Louise's post I was thinking the same thing - tape her & get evidence. If she is doing it to you, she is doing it to others. She is a bully.

 

Actually though, I don't think you should see her again. Why should you if her "help" is making you worse, not better? That does not solve your problem of ongoing support, but it solves your immediate problem of being in the presence of someone who makes you vomit.

 

I once had a line manager who used the same tactics - nice as pie when others were around, absolutely horrible when she was on her own with me. Never wanted me to be appointed to the job & determined to make my life a misery till I left. Luckily we were reorganised & I got a different manager, but the union said it was a clear case of harrassment & would support me.

 

If I can think of anything else I'll post again, but I'm sure others will have good advice too.

Hang on in there.

Edited August 3, 2007 by pearl

[llisa32]

Hi Mumble....so the woman who the phrase 'As useful as a choccy teapot' was invented for strikes again!!!

 

She is totally useless and serving no purpose at all...we can only but hope she is more useful in other aspects of her life!

 

When things are causing stress in general my GP always says to stop and look at the causes and see what things can be changed quickly/easily to initially alleviate some of it. In this case I say ditch this woman!!

 

She's causing you stress instead of helping you deal with things...she's actually giving you more to deal with than you had before. I'd consider writing an honest letter saying how your meetings with her make you feel, then send it to her and her superior (copying your tutors etc). Once you've said it - they need to adjust. I am more than happy to read through anything you want to put together if you want to go down that route.

 

Please remember that you provide a wonderful support/friendship to all of us on here..and I for one have the utmost respect for you. You are not worthless/useless or any of the other negative terms that the miserable ratbag made you feel like today <'>

 

If anyone is worthless it is this rubbish woman who obviously would fail to successfully organise a 'P up in a brewery!'

 

(or a large drink up in a licensed establishment! should my last comment get pulled

[llisa32]

Thought I'd now do you a little ditti using as many icons as I can fit in to replace words

 

Our friend Mumble <'> wanted a mentor...someone to provide guidence and reassurance

 

Mumble's mentor seems unsure of her role in life , she makes people

 

Mumbles mentor needs a good - hopefully won by the forum

 

Mentors method of 'helping' is beyond a joke and makes her a !!!

 

I hope Mumble will hear her , we think you are as you are!

 

Mumble is , sometimes a little , but most of all far superior to the woman pretending to be a

mentor!

 

In honour of your bad day lets now have some medicinal

 

Hmmmm.....there is no icon for 'Lee'

[wilson]

Hello Mumble,

 

 

I can only repeat what has been suggested already. Don't see this mentor again. Get in touch with whichever body provides the mentoring and explain the situation. Postgraduate study is hard and stressful enough without the added burden of someone who makes you feel so terrible.

[Mumble]

Thanks everyone for your replies - sorry I didn't reply earlier but I've found this situation so difficult to deal with particularly because this mentor is managing to make me feel very much like the ineffectual psychiartrist I saw last year, who didn't believe I could be AS, made me feel - totally helpless and worthless.

 

Thank you to you for all the wonderful replies (I'm going to print your ditty Lisa and stick it on the wall above my desk - kind of in an ironic sense as the mentor was supposed to have negotiated with the halls for me to be allowed to stick things up - I need a visual planner but I'm 'officially' not allowed to stick things to my wall) and thanks to those of you who have PM'ed etc. me - I really really appreciate all your support.

 

I've just sent a very long letter off to the mentor making it clear in no uncertain terms what she needs to change NOW. I'm terrified of her response to this - I really don't want to be alone with her for our meeting tomorrow but I can't see a way around this unless anyone has an invisibility clock (well she talks over/for me enough, I may as well wear one) and wants to wear it and aim the occasional punch in her direction should she become difficult? At least my supervisor/tutor agree with me - I had an email from my supervisor explaining that he didn't think she presented a good image, so at least it's not just me.

 

I don't suppose anyone wants to dress up as me and do the meeting for me - I pay in chocolate. I'm already feeling sick thinking about it and I know it's not the antibiotics or too much chocolate this time - it's me worrying about two hours alone in a room with her

[Mumble]

Grrrrr - I've just had one of mentor's auto email answering thingys - she's not reading emails till tomorrow afternoon. I don't know if this means before or after our meeting and I'm unsure what to do now. Do I print a copy of the letter and if she makes no indication that she's read it place it in front of her and walk out? I'm not sure I have the confidence to do that. This from the mentor who said she would always be available in daily email contact knowing that I find written communication far easier than verbal communication :wallbash: :angry:

 

Anyone would think her job description was to make me more needy rather supporting me to approach things independently

[llisa32]

Hiya...I second your GRRRRRRRR Your 'mentor' appears to have no idea of her job role/resps.

 

Please don't fret about her response to your letter. If she gets grumpy it's because she's guilty as charged...and she'll know that you all know how useless she is! - including your tutor.

 

You know you have youre tutors backing - can he not attend tomorrow with you?

 

How about just canceling tomorrows meeting? - it provides no purpose as it currently stands, and you'll have made a positive step in stress reduction! - if you feel you need to provide an excuse for cancelling, you can either feign toothache/too busy etc. Or simply say the truth, you would like to meet AFTER she's read your email expressing your concerns.

 

Personally...I would cancel via email, and voicemail..if she listens to neither the phone, or checks email how are you to know? 'she' said she would be availble at 'all times', therefore you can make the assumption she checks email and voicemail regularly incase of emergencys.

 

If you would like me to be a long last auntie who urgently needs to see you tomorrow and hence I'm cancelling on your behalf pm me! - I'm serious...happy to make the call for you

 

I don't see the point in making yourself feel worse

[Mumble]

Please don't fret about her response to your letter. If she gets grumpy it's because she's guilty as charged...and she'll know that you all know how useless she is! - including your tutor.

 

You know you have you're tutors backing - can he not attend tomorrow with you?

But I do an excellent line in fretting . . . In fact you could say it's my 'special interest' (oops, was that being humorous? Best not do that - after all aspies don't do humour and I must act as I'm supposed to act . . . )

 

I'm already fretting about how much of my supervisor's/tutor's time I'm taking up - they tell me not to worry about this (I over-apologise - must sound like a woman possessed with the sorry-saying-lurgy) but I do worry. They're both seeing me on Thursday to discuss mentoring and next steps so I kind of think I have to go tomorrow if only to collect more evidence about her unsuitability. I'm just really scared.

 

I don't know how to handle her not having read the letter - whether to give it to her and sit in silence or what?

 

How about just canceling tomorrows meeting? - it provides no purpose as it currently stands, and you'll have made a positive step in stress reduction! - if you feel you need to provide an excuse for cancelling, you can either feign toothache

Unfortunately I wouldn't be feigning toothache - I don't know if antibiotics are supposed to work by the end, but I've finihed them and it still hurts (but differently) - I guess the worry about possibly having a) to go back to the dentist, b )possibly having to go to hospital and c)the mentor all together is a bit too much for me. I'm shaking totally which means I have to go back and correct all the mistyping.

 

If you would like me to be a long last auntie who urgently needs to see you tomorrow and hence I'm cancelling on your behalf pm me! - I'm serious...happy to make the call for you

You'd have to be very lost. She seemed to think it was funny that I have such a small family and such limited family support

[llisa32]

Okay....we need to try and calm you down <'> she really is not worth all your angst - honest, but I do understand why you're feeling that way. So...what can help?

 

1. Print off the letter with a copy for her tomorrow, give it to her as soon as you meet. Then say I realise you may not have read this yet, I emailed it yesterday etc, but I'd be happy for us not to have a meeting as such today, but to meet again next week when you have had a chance to read my words.

 

I really don't think you should let her read in your company...she will ask questions, and probably upset you further.

 

Thats one option.

 

2. Explain to your tutor have rough you feel about the meeting tomorrow, say you'd like to cancel because you know she's not read the letter yet - would he mind?

 

Thats Option 2

 

Mumble you need your tutors support at the moment, and part of his role is to provide that so please don't feel guilty about that one. I personally don't think you need to gather any more evidence about how useless she is - I think you have more than enough already.

 

Last option I can think of...Ring her in the morning and ask if she hasn't already...can she read your letter before the meeting? - that way at least you'll be a little prepared in terms of what to discuss at the meet (your letter), and she will have had a chance to digest it beforehand.

 

I think at this point you need to think about 'saving' yourself, and don't worry about any one elses feelings.

[Mumble]

I don't do phones so I can't ring her and check she's read it. The meeting is supposed to be two hours so I think I'll take a copy, if she hasn't read her email I'll give it to her and very bravely say I'll be coming back in (how long do you think? 1/2 hour/an hour?) to discuss it and actually leave the building - a walk by the Thames or similar to clear my head. I'm certainly not going to sit there whilst she reads it - the letter is quite personal and I don't want to be interrogated on the points I've made. I don't really want to drag this out into another meeting next week if I can avoid it. I don't think she's right for me - the fact I needed to put so much in the letter suggests this - so there's no point continuing past tomorrow when she's making me feel this way. I'm not hopeful she will have read the letter - she hasn't read my assessment reports yet which she's had for some time so I shouldn't expect much reading from her.

 

I've emailed my tutor and he knows how I feel - I have a meeting with him (academic) tomorrow before I see my mentor so hopefully he can help me to be a little calmer about it, but I'm still really scared and frightened :tearful:

[llisa32]

<'> <'> <'> Lots of them, if I had icons for choccy I'd send those too.

 

I'm glad you've decided on a approach for tomorrow (forgot you don't 'do' phones..sorree).

 

I think the decision you've made is the right one, give her the letter, say you'd rather leave whilst she read it and you will return in 40 mins - (comment that obs you realise that all counts as part of your 'mentoring' allowance)

 

I will be really interested in her reaction actually...which is not going to be anywhere near as scary as you think Mumble...if she's got any sense at all she will read it, admit she could've have changed her approach etc and act on your suggestions accordingly.

 

Considering the organisation she works for I'm appalled that this is the best they can come up with thus far - it's awful.

 

They are supposed to be providing you a service to assist you, not cause you extra angst/upset/stress

 

If the worst does happen and she gets a bit grumpy, and you sense that just end the meeting and leave the room

 

But like I said earlier..that is the worst that can happen...and so what if she does get grumpy?, she's made life miserable for you for the last week or so, so keep that thought in your head tomorrow. You owe her nothing, she owes you a service

[pearl]

Good luck for tomorrow Mumble <'>