Aspergers family

[sara8478]

Hi, I am a 30year old mother of three who is disabled with a bad back and painful hands. I am awaiting opps to fix all three and I have dyslexia. I have a daughter that is 9 who has aspergers and dyslexia and 20month old twins (one has high functioning autism) and a 38 year old partner who has aspergers and depression. I have lived with my partner for 14 years and the hardest thing in my life is my relationship. He doesn't want to understand his aspergers and just thinks I am to blame for everything. I am always very careful about what I say or do encase he takes it can be taken the wrong way as this can cause a bad situation. I try to not get emotional but sometimes I end up getting angry with him as I don't get much help at all as he has an obsession with computers and reacts badly if I ask for help. He is very very sensitive and I can NEVER show anger even in a mild form even if there is a good reason for it. If I do then he walks out and leaves me even if there is no way of me coping physically. He has smashed many things in the house, spends lots of money every time he walks out , shouts and swears at me, drink drives, takes overdoses, lets the kids down and since the babies arrived he wants to leave us. Even though he knows that social services have said they will not support me, they will keep taking the children every time I don't cope. It feels like I put up with so much and if I put a step wrong I am punished for days and I can't say anything as I always have the threat of my children being taken if he leaves. I am always hiding my purse and keys and I just feel tired.

We have been on courses for aspergers and I think I understand it very well, but he doesn't seem to.

If anyone has advise let me know

Sara8478

Edited September 14, 2007 by annie

[paulathomson]

Hi, I am a 30year old mother of three who is disabled with a bad back and painful hands. I am awaiting opps to fix all three and I have dyslexia. I have a daughter that is 9 who has aspergers and dyslexia and 20month old twins (one has high functioning autism) and a 38 year old partner who has aspergers and depression. I have lived with my partner for 14 years and the hardest thing in my life is my relationship. He doesn't want to understand his aspergers and just thinks I am to blame for everything. I am always very careful about what I say or do encase he takes it can be taken the wrong way as this can cause a bad situation. I try to not get emotional but sometimes I end up getting angry with him as I don't get much help at all as he has an obsession with computers and reacts badly if I ask for help. He is very very sensitive and I can NEVER show anger even in a mild form even if there is a good reason for it. If I do then he walks out and leaves me even if there is no way of me coping physically. He has smashed many things in the house, spends lots of money every time he walks out , shouts and swears at me, drink drives, takes overdoses, lets the kids down and since the babies arrived he wants to leave us. Even though he knows that social services have said they will not support me, they will keep taking the children every time I don't cope. It feels like I put up with so much and if I put a step wrong I am punished for days and I can't say anything as I always have the threat of my children being taken if he leaves. I am always hiding my purse and keys and I just feel tired.

We have been on courses for aspergers and I think I understand it very well, but he doesn't seem to.

If anyone has advise let me know

Sara8478

 

why would social services take your children if he leaves? i ask this because i am 31 and have 3 kids also but my partner is much the same as you describe yours.. only there is nothing wrong with him...and he walks out on me if we have a bust up. i try to keep my opinions to myself to save the peace but once or twice ayear we will have a bust up because i cant keep it bottled up any longer.

but when he does leave there is no suggestion at social services taking my kids...have social services told you specifically that they are going to take your children and why? they dont usually do this unless extreme cases.. they dont have the funding...

[sara8478]

why would social services take your children if he leaves? i ask this because i am 31 and have 3 kids also but my partner is much the same as you describe yours.. only there is nothing wrong with him...and he walks out on me if we have a bust up. i try to keep my opinions to myself to save the peace but once or twice ayear we will have a bust up because i cant keep it bottled up any longer.

but when he does leave there is no suggestion at social services taking my kids...have social services told you specifically that they are going to take your children and why? they dont usually do this unless extreme cases.. they dont have the funding...

 

Hi,

As I am physically disabled, my partner is at home with me as a carer as there are many, many things I can not do for myself and have times when I am stuck in bed for a few days. I also need help to look after the kid as physically (not mentally) this can get too much. We have a social worker for the whole family as I requested this to see if we could get some support as my partner does not cope. We have now been getting help 11hours a week to give my partner a brake.

If he left, I would not be able to cope physically for more than a few days as I can not lift the babies or even walk my oldest to school and I have spoken to social services who said they cannot support me any further and that they would have to take the children every time I couldn't cope. I did of course argue the point many times, but they seem to be very certain that this is what would happen. If I can't get extra help at home and I can't look after my kids on my own then I don't seem to have many choices.

[BuntyB]

Hi,

As I am physically disabled, my partner is at home with me as a carer as there are many, many things I can not do for myself and have times when I am stuck in bed for a few days. I also need help to look after the kid as physically (not mentally) this can get too much. We have a social worker for the whole family as I requested this to see if we could get some support as my partner does not cope. We have now been getting help 11hours a week to give my partner a brake.

If he left, I would not be able to cope physically for more than a few days as I can not lift the babies or even walk my oldest to school and I have spoken to social services who said they cannot support me any further and that they would have to take the children every time I couldn't cope. I did of course argue the point many times, but they seem to be very certain that this is what would happen. If I can't get extra help at home and I can't look after my kids on my own then I don't seem to have many choices.

 

Hi,

You can't be discriminated against because you have a disability.

 

If you want the children with you, they shouldn't be removed. Do you get DLA yourself? Have you considered having a carer for you? Ask about Direct Payments and see whether you could employ someone to help you. You should't have to put up with this. There are lots of parents with disabilities bringing up children. See if you can find some support groups that deal specifically with this and also see CAB about getting some benefit in your own right. Are you connected to a church? Try and rally round as much support apart from your husband.

He might have AS, but you don't have to put up with being treated so badly. If you are frightened of him, see if there is support from a domestic volence group or a refuge you can go to together. lots of people would help you, you just need to make sure that they know you need the support.

[wilson]

Hello,

 

Sara and Shona I have so much empathy with you. My partner has Asperger Syndrome and so does my eight year old son. Until three years ago my partner received Incapacity Benefit for depression. Because he was still unable to work (largely due to his difficulties in social settings) I supported him. He now receices DLA, Carer's Allowance, Family Credit, Child Benefit etc. In a nutshell, he is extremely difficult to live and perhaps not the best person to be in charge of our sons. So, if he left us, or if we divorced (and I have considered this seriously), I would make sure that the boys came with me, even if it meant giving up work, moving and so on.

 

I am sorry if I have gatecrashed this thread, but sometimes my husband is the greatest challenge.

[Tally]

I think that many of the issues with your husband stem from mental illness, rather than AS, and something far more complicated than depression. The way he over-reacts to any remotely negative comment you make is indicative of severe low self-esteem - he may read far more into the comment that you intended. Having to walk on eggshells all the time is extremely tiring (I know because I did it). Using the threat of having your children removed to manipulate you into tolerating his unreasonable behaviour is completely unacceptable. He really needs treatment, quite urgently as he is engaging in risk-taking and illegal behaviours. When your illness causes you to treat other people badly, you really have a responsibility to accept treatment. Perhaps you need to see his psychiatrist together to make sure he is explaining the full extent of his symptoms. If he does not have a psychiatrist, he needs an urgent referral to one from his GP. The doctors cannot discuss him with you because of confidentiality, but you can discuss him with them.

 

Is there any way you can limit the damage he can do with the spending? Perhaps by having your own bank accounts instead of joint ones.

 

The Citizen's Advice Bureau may be able to connect you with someone who can get you more support, and tell you what your situation would be if you separated.

 

Really though, you need to discuss this with a solicitor to find out exactly where you stand if you were to separate. Sometimes you can get a free initial consultation, but you may need more time than they would offer for free. You don't actually need to separate because you've sought legal advice, just find out what your options are.

[sara8478]

Thanks for your support everyone,

to answer you all: Yes I do get DLA and we get 11 hours a week support in form of a carer and that was after a fight. The funding came from the adult disabilities team as the children's team said there is no funding and when they went to panel they were terned down. The babies do get an afternoon a week at nursery paid by social services ( but as yet they have not let me leave, as they say they cannot cope with my sons special needs, so I have gone and stayed for weeks).

I have to make it clear, I am not physically frightened of my partner and he has never hurt me in any way, but I am afraid of his anger. He is very controlling, but without meaning to be. I know that if I argue back or show anger then he will walk out even if I won't cope physically and if I really get angry he will drink drive and take an overdose. He is not meaning to control me in this way, but he might as well be. As for money, he does not own a bank card, but if I've just asked him to get money out (as I can't a lot of the time) or if he has my card or I didn't hide it, then he will spend lots. When he smashes things up it is usually because I have hidden the money and he wants it. I could not go to a womens refuge as I would not cope physically.

When I found out that I was not entitled to anymore help my partner was already in the process of moving and now it doesn't effect his decisions. I don't think he uses it as a threat he just doesn't care at the time, it doesn't seem to come into it for him he is just thinking about his pain. When my partner is angry then he doesn't have any feelings for me or the kids, it wouldn't make a difference if one of the babies fell over in front of him, he would not acknowledge it. He has a whole mental health team, who are pushing for his formal diagnosis which at the last count was 36 weeks. We don't own our house and have lived off benefits since my back injury, so I'm not worried about money if we split up, just how I will cope physically.

Finally, I used to believe my partner had serious mental health issues, but now I understand AS fully, I can explain most of what is happening is just someone with AS with no control over themselves and no boundaries. My AS daughter has boundaries to teach right from wrong and I do not except bad behavior and as a result she does not swear and does not hit or through things, I only wish I could set the same boundaries for him.

I hope that has explained a lot.

Sara8478