Teenagers...

[Bagpuss]

Hi All

 

Our DS is 13, NT, and I would love to hear anyone's elses experiences of their teenagers. He is doing really well at school, teachers are always really positive about him, his behaviour at school is excellent, and we've had no bother with him at all since reception..he has a large circle of friends, always out playing footie or on his laptop etc etc....but at home he's becoming really stroppy and selfish, and has been so for quite a few years. Now, is this the norm, and where do your draw the line between normal teenage stroppiness and behaviour which needs knocking on the head? DH and I had a long chat about him this morning, because not so long ago he lost the glasses we'd got him after seeing Ian Jordan, and DH happened to mention he'd not seen DS wearing his watch or necklace of late either. So, this morning, when DS finally wandered down, I asked him where they were..."dunno" he said, "think I've lost them". His whole attitude is yeah, so what. He really reminds me of the Harry Enfield Kevin character! DH gave him both the necklace and watch, so is not impressed by his lack of remorse at losing them. During our chat, DH said he feels I'm too soft with DS, that I never back him up. DS doesn't do any chores at all round the house, and pretty much has an easy time of it according to DH. I think deep down I always feel he's had it tough with the girlies, ie all the attention/days out/holidays is about them........but now I'm wondering, does DH have a point? Do your teenagers do chores? He has asked in the past if he can cook a meal etc, but I've always said no, because I'm worried he'll burn the blooming house down. He does make himself simple things, like beans on toast. He's really quite rude with people who come to the house, like my mum, and grunts replies, and virtually ignores them, although I think "oh well, he's abit shy" blah blah blah......DH thinks I make excuses for him, and I get "in my day, i'd of got a slap round the ear for speaking to visitors like that" . DH and DS tend to be at loggerheads alot, and I can see both points of view if I'm honest. DH tends to take the mickey out of DS alot, and DS reacts, then DH gets angry because DS becomes stroppy. But I remember hating having one taking the mick out of me when I was that age, and feeling I couldn't say anything back. DS tuts all the time, lets out huge sighs, rolls his eyes etc etc, but then so does my blooming DH Mebbee's it's a male thing He doesn't get any pocket money, but we fund everything he needs, which totals alot week to week, with different activities etc. We tried to draw up a list of chores, for all the kids, with a price list, and they would be paid if they did that particular chore, but it didn't work out. What has really worried me, is that DH has said he thinks DS is going to grow up to be a really selfish adult, and I'm thinking should I be tackling it now? Am I wrong to assume this is "normal" teenage angst? Where do you draw the line?

[Flora]

sounds like your ds has morphed into a 'Kevin'... <'>

 

I've got two kevin's at the moment... and even the best of them can be 'challenging'

 

The only advice I can give is keep your sense of humour, and keep the communication open even if it means you've got to learn to grunt!!!!

 

flora xxxx

[Guest Lya of the Nox]

and how many times have u heard me rant bout sam lol

i was told by someone that boys are chaotic for a bit then get better then loose it again for a while

 

my bosses have way older boys and when moan bout something i see the "knowing look atween them

 

yes it is way different that when we were kids, ( in black and white of course lol) and men seem to remember this more

we have chores set in this house, but i seem to do them lol

i would say it probably his age lol, but if u concerned see if he wants help, maybe from cahms??

i know our nts can have it hard, but so did we for many reasons and we turned out ok ( no comments form the gallery bout me ta )

 

xx

[bid]

My eldest DS was never like this (although obviously huge AS troubles of his own ), but my eldest DD, well...

 

I think it's a really good idea to let him cook, especially if he's asking: it's a good way of helping his independence for when he leaves home/goes to uni if he can cook a few simple meals, and a good confidence boost when everyone eats them and says how great they are.

 

Chores: I think it's a good idea for all kids to have a few, relevant to thier age. You could make a rota, and include very simple things for your DDs to do?

 

Good luck, and huge sympathies <'>

 

Boho

[Bagpuss]

Had a chat with DS, and asked if he understood why his dad was upset about him losing the watch and necklace he'd given him. Got a "how am I supposed to know how dad feels" I've also told him it's not the "losing" that's the prob, it's his general couldn't give a monkeys about it attitude. He started welling up Problem is that DS lacks confidence, it's the one thing the majority of his teachers have said about him over the years. Sooooo, I always try to make DH understand that taking the mick out of him is not helpful. Infact, it will only knock his confidence further. I wonder if his stroppiness and sulky like behaviour also stems from a lack of confidence. Blimey, it's hard in it We've had a chat about him pulling his weight abit more around the house, which he seems to have taken on board....for now DH reckons DS has it planned out. He's off to local uni, in a car I'm buying him, after I've funded his driving lessons, and I'll do all his washing, ironing, cooking and fund all his nights out....and then when he's graduated, he'll b*gger off, and we'll not see him for dust............DH always sees the best in peeps

 

Thanks all for the wonderful advice <'>

[pearl]

Ooh Baggy, 13 is a hard age whether b or g.

S was v difficult to live with at that age, pushing the boundaries, drove her dad more than me to distraction. Bottom line I used to think: she's not on drugs, she doesnt stop out all night, she's keeping up at school, she helps me look after JP & misses out on lots of stuff because of his needs, so I really tried not to sweat the small stuff. Only human though & still lost it on a regular basis with her.

 

The hardest year OF ALL was the year she spent with us post-university - counting the days off till she could go live with her boyfriend.

 

She's still quite self-absorbed at 23 but is improving all the time.

[Bagpuss]

Thanks Pearl <'> He's been a little love today bless him. I do count our blessings tho, when I see some of the kids on our estate wandering around in packs, getting up to allsorts, at all hours of the night.

[pearl]

*nods*

I used to think, at least she's not hanging around outside Spar!

WHY do they do that?

[Bagpuss]

Our local chavs set fire to the park and wheely bins here

[pearl]

Theres a new craze, setting fire to wheelies & sniffing them....

[Bagpuss]

Really? Our's havn't caught on yet....the push them up against the householders door after setting them alight

[Tally]

When I lived at home, my brother and I had to do some chores like washing & drying up and tidying our bedrooms every week. My brother still lives at home aged 22, and he still either cooks or washes up, cleans and tidies his own bedroom, and other bits and pieces. It would seem fair for a 13-y-o to have some responsibilities around the house. As he seems interested in cooking a meal, maybe you could teach him to cook some basic meals which he could then cook by himself another time.

 

Giving pocket money could be a good thing too, let him decide what his priorities are. I started getting pocket money aged 7. I got 70p a week. I could spend 20p on sweets (course, you could actually buy sweets for 20p at the time), and the remaining 50p I had to save and I was allowed to buy books with the savings. At 13, my parents bought all my clothes and paid for anything to do with school, gave me my bus fare and lunch money on a daily basis, and my pocket money paid for CDs, sweets and going out. If I didn't tidy my bedroom I didn't get any pocket money.

 

My brother was quite a selfish teenager, wasted his money and lost anything decent my parents got him. He was lazy and tried to get out of anything my parents asked him, and his homework too. I moved out when he was 16, and he has really changed a lot since then, and turned out OK! Really kind, generous and hard-working. I think some of those things are normal teenage boy things.

[Bagpuss]

Thanks Tally, I think your right. He does need to start doing some chores, and I think giving him pocket money for doing them is a good idea. I've told him I don't want to keep funding all his footie clubs & practices without him helping out more around the house. I think that has hit him hard, as his footie and laptop are sooo important to him. He's been really helpful today, and the atmosphere in the house has been smashing. Not sure how long it will continue tho, but at least it's a start.