need help with my DH

[joybed]

Dont know where to start really but I met my DH when Marcus was 4 and he never coped well with his ASD from the very beginning but things got slightly better as they got used to one another and Marcus settled into new school etc. Then 3 years ago we had twins which was wonderful obviously and Marcus adores them both. However as predicted Marcus behaviour deteriorated rapidly due to lack of routine in the house due to 2 small children and this has only got worse as thay have got older. This is made worse by husbands attitude towards my son, He is the type of man who believes that children shouldn,t interfere with life too much and should do exactly as they are told. As we all know this doesn,t work with any child let alone an ASD child. He constantly criticises Marcus when he isn,t doing things as he feels they should be done (he does this with me also but I tell him to get lost). HE is a bit of a control freak who likes things neat and tidy and organised and makes no allowance for anyone elses needs but his (he is an only child). Things have got really bad Miles and Marcus constantly bicker and when Miles is around his behaviour is dreadful, it is occasionally when he is with me but significantly worse when Miles is around. Marcus refuses to stay at home on a weekend when I am working. Miles openly admits he doesn,t like Marcus and has said this in front of him. I know you should maintain a united front in front of children but I find myself siding with Marcus as Miles is so unreasonable and makes no allowances for ASD at all saying he needs to be stricter as it is more important he learns how to behave appropriately. I am finding myself disliking my husband and have threatened to leave but he says he will just keep the twins and I can,t face that happening even thogh I do all the child care most of the cooking and cleaning. I can,t help but feel if Miles was more tolerant we would have happier children. Any tips for saving my marriage.

[pearl]

What a difficult situation joy. I don't feel qualified to advise, just wanted to give you a <'>

[Cat]

I can identify with quite a lot of your post - don't know that being an only child has very much to do with things, being one myself who is managing two autistic sons quite well despite my only child status.

 

The difference in my situation was that my son was not diagnosed when I met my second husband and although I knew that there was something not quite right I did not have a name for whatever it was. My husband saw my son as a bit of a wuss and a softie, because of the way he came across. Hubby thought that he needed to toughen up. I told him to but out. Because of hubbies attitude my son disliked him greatly and I could see why. However I also became pregnant, which was a shock because I would not have chosen to add to my family while I was so concerned about my son. But our baby arrived and my son loved him, while continuing to dislike his Dad.

 

When we did get someone to listen to us they made everything worse by saying that I was being far to soft with my son, and was allowing him to dominate the house. I knew that they were wrong along with their diagnosis but hubby wanted to give their suggestions a try. I did not. We locked horns and baby or no baby I would not give in and hubby moved out and into a flat. This only lasted for a short while but he came back on the understanding that until I was certain that the professionals were right about my son we would go with what I - and not he - wanted to do.

 

When we finally got the diagnosis that changed everything and my husband was left in no doubt that his attitude changed or we would be going our separate ways. This sounds very cold of me and it was never like that my hubby is also my soul mate and I knew that it would be like chopping off an arm if he left. But I also knew that it would be like cutting out my heart and sacrificing my son if things did not change and he could not make the adjustments that were needed.

 

All of that seems like light years ago when in fact seven years ago. Our house did change. I did toughen up with my son where it was needed and my husband did change his attitude. It took a long time for us to turn the corner but we did it. Living with autism is all about making reasonable adjustments. 'We' and not the children must be the ones making the adjustments because 'we' and not they are the ones who are able to do so, at least when they are young children. I am not saying that we let our autistic children (my youngest also has autism) get away with any type of bad behaviour, we do not. But when it comes to their disability then we will always have to make adjustments. I could not live with someone who could not.

 

Because of the hard work that my husband eventually invested in my son he is now far happier to be with his Step Dad than he is with his Dad. He knows that he can rely upon him to now read him and his mood. There was a time that I thought I would never be able to say that. But it did take a HUGE effort on my hubbies part and I know that there were times when it went against everything he stood for. But my son was not a neuro-typical child and could not be treated as such. If things do not change then I think that your son and his behaviour may get worse. I pointed out to my hubby how lucky we were that 'my son' had accepted and loved 'our son' that was not just a reasonable adjustment for home it was a massive adjustment and it deserved acknowledgement on hubby's part.

 

It can be done but only with a great deal of effort on everyone?s part.

Edited November 13, 2007 by Cat

[paulathomson]

Dont know where to start really but I met my DH when Marcus was 4 and he never coped well with his ASD from the very beginning but things got slightly better as they got used to one another and Marcus settled into new school etc. Then 3 years ago we had twins which was wonderful obviously and Marcus adores them both. However as predicted Marcus behaviour deteriorated rapidly due to lack of routine in the house due to 2 small children and this has only got worse as thay have got older. This is made worse by husbands attitude towards my son, He is the type of man who believes that children shouldn,t interfere with life too much and should do exactly as they are told. As we all know this doesn,t work with any child let alone an ASD child. He constantly criticises Marcus when he isn,t doing things as he feels they should be done (he does this with me also but I tell him to get lost). HE is a bit of a control freak who likes things neat and tidy and organised and makes no allowance for anyone elses needs but his (he is an only child). Things have got really bad Miles and Marcus constantly bicker and when Miles is around his behaviour is dreadful, it is occasionally when he is with me but significantly worse when Miles is around. Marcus refuses to stay at home on a weekend when I am working. Miles openly admits he doesn,t like Marcus and has said this in front of him. I know you should maintain a united front in front of children but I find myself siding with Marcus as Miles is so unreasonable and makes no allowances for ASD at all saying he needs to be stricter as it is more important he learns how to behave appropriately. I am finding myself disliking my husband and have threatened to leave but he says he will just keep the twins and I can,t face that happening even thogh I do all the child care most of the cooking and cleaning. I can,t help but feel if Miles was more tolerant we would have happier children. Any tips for saving my marriage.

 

 

i am so sorry to hear that you are going through this...i am going through exactly the same thing at the moment..my dh has done my head is so much that im on the brink of a nervous breakdown...the bet advice i can give you is to get some professional help while you can...anyone talk to doctor or relate...

 

hope you get ome help..i truly do feel for you as i know what im feeling now must be similar to how you are feeling and that is hard... <'>

[tmf]

Hi,

 

I really don't know what to say that will help.

 

The only advice is don't brush it under the carpet and hope it will get better....it never does. I did exactely that, nearly at the cost of my dh (fiance then).

 

sending you lots of these as it sounds like you need them.....

 

<'> <'> <'> <'>

[rainbow queen]

well i just wanted to add i split up with my boys dad when they was very young

since then ive had 2 relationships -both ended on account for the dealings with my children.....mainly my asd son...ect

so can understand where you coming from

its very hard -i dont have any advice really <'> >< <'>

[joybed]

The night after I wrote this my mum rang me to say she was fed up with the way DH treated Marcus and she had told Marcus to ring the police if he was mean to him again. Although I was alittle mad with her as I really don,t need social services involved I can,t say I blame her as it is difficult to sit back and see this happen. I decided to have a chat and tell him exactly how i was feeling and it all came out. I basically told him that if things didn,t change I would be leaving with all the children. I think he knew I meant it as he made no comments about taking the other 2. We have an agreement that I deal with Marcus and handle any disciline that is needed and he just needs to be civil to him. Not ideal but hopefully this will save our marriage and hopefuuly he will begin to like him again one day.

[Clare63]

A very sad and difficult situation and as Mother and wife you are totally caught in the middle. My DH & DS used to be very close, but this past year since DS has gotten older and struggled to deal with his differences my husband has become more distant with him, its been sad to observe and I have felt responsible to try and put right. However in the past few weeks since my son has been signed off school, he has become much more relaxed, less stressed, no longer tearful or depressed, my husband has started playing with him again, they laugh and joke together and I watched as my husband ruffled his son's hair as they shared a joke, my heart ached and I felt at long last i was finaly getting my family back. When I asked my husband, what had made him change and warm again to his son, he told me he struggled to cope with all the negativity, he didn't like the way our child was turning out and following a dx felt there was nothing he could do so just stayed away.

Not sure really what I am trying to say here, but I think men like to fix things and when they can't they go off into their caves or demonstrate anger and agression.

I truly hope things work out for you all.

<'> <'> <'>

Clare x x x x

[Cat]

My hubby taking a back seat and leaving my son to me was a turning point for us. If your hubby can stick with this and give you some time and space with your son here he may well see that things will improve for all of you. It wont happen over night but it was worth it for us.

 

I hope that things get better for you and for what it is worth I think that you did the right thing in laying your cards on the table.

 

Cat