Siblings!

[Faye83]

Hi everyone - my first ever thread!

 

I have been reading this forum for the past few weeks and feel ready to post. My son was diagnosed as Autistic at the end of last month - he will be 3 in March. Although we were expecting the diagnosis, it still came as a bit of a shock to hear it said out loud if that makes sense.

 

I admit to having been completely ignorant with regards to ASD in the past and have spend the past few weeks finding out as much as I can to try and educate myself. My head is now full of information!

 

I also have a 4 year old daughter and have tried to explain to her as best I can about her brother but I would like some specific advice please. How is it best for me to explain things to her? She currently thinks it is unfair that she is getting told off for things and he isnt. He also hurts her when he throws things at her so she thinks he doesnt like her. I am so confused at the minute. I dont want to say or do the wrong thing to A (my son) and upset him but at the same time I dont want D (my daughter) to feel that she is treated unfairly.

 

Sorry its such a long post - I have got a lot of learning to do! x x

[krystaltps]

Hi Faye. This is a tricky one isn't it? I'd love to say I have an easy answer for you, but I don't - my twinkles still don't get the exception to the rule thing.

They were six when we told them about C's AS, and they accepted it very well - but they already knew he was different anyway... children are surprisingly perceptive. Their only concern was that it was contagious .

I have always explained to them that C thinks differently to them and most other kids - which they also accept. And part of this "thinking differently" means that sometimes he does things he can't help and he doesn't understand the rules in the same way as them - and that is why he sometimes doesn't get into trouble for something that they would get into trouble for. They are fine with this... the problem we have is when C has achieved something momentous for him and we pile on the praise... they get very jealous and say "but we did that last year" which totally deflates C.

 

In the most part, however, they are very understanding - for little people. They just accept C as he is, even when he's hitting them. I suppose they are lucky that they have each other, but I do worry about them and the impact that living with C must have on them. I have requested that the psychologist who sees C also speaks to the twinkles, and I always make sure that I praise them for being patient and understanding.

 

I do think it's important to be open about things and explain situations and the reasoning behind your decisions - children are much more accepting than adults, but they do need to know the reasons behind things.

 

Hope this helps a bit.... and congrats on your first topic

[Lynden]

Hi Faye

 

You are in a similar situation to me with children and age gaps. I have to say that Leona has been great, but she wasn't yet three when Logan started to get therapies etc and was only 3 and a half when Logan was formally diagnosed so has never known him any different that she can remember.

 

We've always been upfront with her since day one and told her things that we feel are age appropriate / she can handle. She knows her brother is different, and that he is autistic, and we explain more about autism as she gets older. Like Krystal we've always explained that Logan doesn't understand a lot of things and his brain works differently, and sometimes if he's hitting her for example, he doesn't understand that it hurts and he's not doing it on purpose. She definitely gets that now. It is difficult though because he does demand so much of my attention and she can find that hard, as he'll often hit her etc if I'm doing her homework etc as he doesn't like her sharing my attention.

 

We got the book 'My Brother is Different' which I found quite good for their age range and a lot of her friends have read it too to explain the differences.

 

HTH a bit

 

Lynne x

[Faye83]

Thank you for your replies Lynden and Krystal. She is very good with him and is very protective but that is not what he wants - he wants to be left alone and her natural response is to cuddle and 'mother' him. She is very bright for her age and does seem to understand parts of his behaviour I just feel so sorry for her sometimes.

 

We ordered that book you suggested Lyndon last week and have read it with D - at the end she said thats just like my brother isnt it? I have also mentioned it to her teachers at school. She is very well behaved but I thought they would need to know incase she starts to show some of her frustration towards her school friends.

 

I am reducing my hours at work down from full time to 4 days and will use this extra time to spend an afternoon after school to spend some time just us and her.

 

Thanks again for your experiences and I am sure there will be plenty more questions from me along the way! x x

[angel77]

Hi Faye,

 

The important thing is not to feel guilty, the kids are great at that arn't they.

 

It works in my house cos one son has epilepsy and the other has autism so from growing up they have had different needs. Now they are older they can actually see the others needs too so they don't pull the favourtism one too often. I also have a child who is gifted, popular and so good at school and she too has different needs.

 

So they all have learnt very quickly that I make the rules and each child has different ones to accomadate needs and personality and with my work too there are different issues that they come into contact with so they understand that too.

 

It will get easier as they get older and you are doing the right thing by explaining it to your 4 yr old daughter, the more open you are will help with her understanding and acceptance.

 

Welcome to the forum.

 

Angel.

[ellisisamazing]

Hi Faye,

 

As you can see I am from the same area as you! Welcome, you will find lots of support here! <'>

 

My Son was dx'd at the same age as your boy and just like you we were expecting it after almost 18 months wait...it still hits you like a thunderbolt and you will go through so many emotions, but it does get easier to accept as time goes on.

 

My Daughter is two years younger than my Son and she is extremely perceptive, we always felt she was too young to explain ASD to...how wrong we were, one day when she was 2 and a half she came to us and said, "Ellis is a bit broken isn't he, Mummy?"....to say I was shocked was an understatement, but both me and her Dad were then aware just how much a child can take in! She now says "OZZYTISTIC", which always make us laugh (I always imagine Ozzy Osbourne shouting "SHAAAARONNNN!")

 

Now we do chat about the differences between them in a simplistic way (such as why he has a Major Buggy so that he doesn't run into the road) we keep it very low key (even though she is extremely bright and too clever for her own good sometimes!), and also because El is Non Verbal she is very aware of his difficulties. You will find your Daughter will ask when she is ready. I totally understand how you feel with regard to your son "getting away with things" that your daughter doesn't....I also sometimes think that my Daughter is having to grow up a little too quickly, it's a though my children's ages have been mixed up.....

 

I hope you find some answers, and PM me if you want to, anytime!

 

Take Care

 

Lisa xx

Edited January 20, 2008 by ellisisamazing

[Lynden]

My daughter is similar in that she wants to constantly touch/mother Logan. She has learned to watch his moods though and knows when its okay to be like that, and when its not. She's also found it really hard that Logan doesn't like to play with her. In the last six months though he has started interacting with her and she loves it :-)

 

I think you are doing the right thing in reducing your hours - the one thing we always remember to do is spend time with Leona on her own - we usually go and do something special on a weekend. Doesn't have to be much, but just her and me, or with my husband if we can get someone else to sit Logan.

 

Feel free to PM me anytime. To be honest its the one thing I struggle with, is how it affects Leona.

 

Lynne

[forbsay]

My son was diagnosed when he was 2.5 yrs old. We now have a wee girl as well and I have explained to her that M is special. She always looks out for him......... she is now 4.5 years old and M is 7.5 years old.

[pearl]

Welcome to the forum Faye.

 

S is 5 years older than JP, & they are both grown up now so I post with a bit of hindsight.

I felt S had to grow up much faster than she would have otherwise.

 

From the age of 12 she was my (paid) childminder after school, as no one else would help out.

She regularly beat up kids at school who were teasing JP

 

Thankfully they were never at high school together because of the age gap.

I made sure to take her away for a weekend each year, just me & her, for some special time together, which has given us lovely memories.

 

I always thought she would be good in a career with SEN children, no way she used to say when she was living at home.

Guess what - she is now a TA in a school with special responsibility for a SEN child, & long term is thinking of becoming an ed psych or a SALT.

 

I think she will always feel responsible for him - if he needs help when we are no longer around it will be down to her I expect. But we are a family & we pull together. She loves him to pieces even though they annoy each other sometimes, & its lovely to see how pleased they are to see each other now she's no longer living at home.

[dooday24]

hi we also had the same problen as only 14 months between my children and i also brought the book my brother is different and it really helped also helped family members who didnt quite understand its very simple and has been a god send hope this helps

love donnaxxxx

[Faye83]

Thank you so much everyone for your replies. It all really helps. x x

[Karen A]

Hi Faye Welcome to the Forum. <'> In my area there is support group for sibblings that provides activities and a chance to get togrther with others in the same situation.It may be worth finding out whether there is anything similar in your area.Karen.