Relationship Problems - Need Help

[NTStudent10]

I've never posted here before but I'm in the middle of a crisis with my boyfriend/ex-boyfriend and I need help. First of all, I should establish that I'm gay and a neurotypical. I'm 22 and both I and my bf/ex-bf are in college.

 

My boyfriend and I had been in a relationship for the past four months until last Friday, when he broke up with me. The reason he broke up with me was that he said that he's overwhelmed by the emotion and love in the relationship and he just can't feel it like I can.

 

I had noticed from the beginning of our relationship that he was different. He was extremely quiet, almost never speaking unless spoken to. He seemed to enjoy spending a lot of time on his own and didn't make much of an effort to come see me. I was always the one to come see him. When he's on his own, he spends the vast majority of his time on the computer, talking about politics online and making congressional district maps of his own state. He rarely smiles or expresses affection and he can be very easily overwhelmed. For example, when watching a particular sitcom, he became visibly uncomfortable and couldn't look at the TV because the show involved a lot of fighting and confrontation. When we'd go out (for example, to the movies), he wouldn't talk at all on the subway ride there and when we'd come out of the movie and I'd ask him if he liked it or not, he'd answer with maybe a couple of words at most and then wouldn't talk for the entire ride back to our dorm. He'd refuse to make decisions about where to go on a Friday night and would usually just shrug his shoulders at most suggestions I'd make. I began to think that maybe he was bored by me but then I discovered in his interactions with others that he was exactly the same. He has a big group of friends on his floor and they all go to dinner at the dining hall every night. He barely talks to them and they barely talk to him. He pretty much just sits there at dinner and eats. I've never seen him get excited about something and he's said that he just doesn't feel emotion like other people. He also throws tantrums a lot and when we're arguing, will scream at the top of his lungs and will often jump into bed and hide under the covers.

 

Before I found out about Asperger's Syndrome, I had no idea what was going on. Then I read the diagnostic criteria and it all seemed to fall into place. This was him! I finally understood what was wrong and it was a huge relief like I can't even explain. I spoke with him about it and he said that he'd researched it in the past and he thinks he has it. I told him that I'd be there for him if he ever wanted to get treatment and that I love him no matter what, Asperger's or no Asperger's.

 

I myself tend to be a very loving person. I liked to hug and kiss him a lot and I never realized that that probably bothered him. I also told him I loved him quite frequently and he'd always answer back, "I love you too." I never realized that probably bothered him too. I used to ask him to eat dinner with me almost every night (and sometimes with his friends, which bothered him) and now I feel so guilty that I was probably overwhelming him.

 

I went to see him about two days after the breakup, to tell him how much I love him and want to be with him and how I'm willing to compromise on anything to be in a relationship with him. I also apologized for ever overwhelming him in the relationship and told him how incredibly guilty I feel about it. His response was really awful and he couldn't stand still and had a MAJOR panic attack. In hindsight, I feel so horrible about doing that to him and I didn't realize being that emotional (even though it was good emotion) was going to affect him so deeply. I'm totally in love with him and am miserable without him. Over Winter Break, I even flew down to visit him at his home and to meet his parents. They really liked me and kept remarking that I was really good for him, which makes this all even more painful for me.

 

What I'm posting for is to get some advice from both people with AS and any NT's that are here on how to salvage this relationship. I absolutely love this guy and it doesn't matter to me one bit that he Asperger's. I want to be there for him and support him and love him through it all, whether he decides to get treatment or not. I want to win him back but I don't know how. I'm miserable without him and I want him to realize how much I love him and want to be with him, without overwhelming him and driving him away from me, period. I'm in desperate need of advice and I will take any help I can get.

[Guest Lya of the Nox]

hey

welcome <'>

i would consider being there atm just as a friend.

all the emotion going on was probably very scary, and knowing that he may have let you down may be causing great discomfort for your bf, because he probably cared laods, but not in the same way you do

 

for me a mother with an aspie daughter, there is no treatment it is just learning how to help her negotiate the world

just be there, quietly, without demanding, i know you are hurt but try

x

[cmuir]

Hi

 

I'm married to someone who has AS (although he's undiagnosed, since getting our son diagnosed, several specialists commented - and it's now obvious to me/explains a lot). It certainly isn't an easy relationship! My hubby didn't go to family weddings, events, my graduation ceremony, is very uncomfortable in groups, etc. Lots of things you've detailed.

 

I think you've shown understanding and a real willingness to make this relationship work. You don't say whether this person has been in a previous relationship or not - that may be relevant. This person may be feeling overwhelmed and confused because you've been upfront and said how you're feeling and what your suspicions are. Being in a new relationship can be an exciting and emotional time, as well as damn hard work trying to make it work (and impress, etc). Maybe this person is just trying to work out how he's feeling just now. My husband lacks empathy and emotion and can appear quite cold. My son can be very similar, in that although occasionally he will show me affection, it's on his terms and generally it doesn't feel natural or genuine - I take it at face value though and grab a hug off him whenever I can. Guess what I'm saying is that relationships and emotions is a problem area which may be very difficult for the person to handle (as well as those on the receiving end). My guess is to give him a little bit of thinking time, maybe even drop him a letter (not a text - they're so impersonal) and state that you value him as a friend and you'd like to continue your relationship - in others words, give him reassurance. He may fear being dumped (let's face it, no one likes being dumped) sooner or later and may be trying to protect himself. Let him know you're not disappointed in him and will try not to have expectations. Equally, ask him what he wants. Who knows? I'd just let him know you're there for him and hopefully he'll respond.

 

Best wishes wish this.

 

Caroline.

[bid]

Welcome to the forum

 

I'm an adult with AS.

 

First of all, there isn't any 'treatment' for AS, because it's not an illness Your friend may need treatment for associated difficulties, like depression for example, but he doesn't need 'treating' for being autistic.

 

I think Lya has given good advice about being there as a friend for now. You haven't known each other very long, and if you concentrate on the friendship part for now, you will hopefully find out more about him...for example, he may actually hate some forms of touching or caressing, some noises, and so on. That way, if you do get back together later on, you will have a deeper understanding of how he 'ticks', which would make a relationship a bit easier for both of you.

 

Good luck

 

Bid

[Tally]

Hi NTStudent, and welcome to the forum.

 

There is no treatment for Asperger's and it cannot be cured. There may be treatment for other issues, such as the panic attacks. He may also be able to learn better ways to cope with situations. But if he is autistic, he is always going to be autistic. If you don't like the autistic traits, then I'm afraid there is no solution.

 

I think there are issues on both sides here. He is obviously different to other people, and you need to learn all you can about him in order to understand why he is different and accommodate those differences. He also needs to do the same for you, otherwise it is you doing all the work and that is a pretty rubbish relationship.

 

It sounds like if you come on too heavy, you are going to scare him away. You have already been honest and upfront about your feelings for him. I don't think there's anything more you can do on that front. However, you have learned that this is not a good way to communicate with him. There's nothing you can do about what happened, all you can do is apologise, hope he accepts that apology, and try to learn for next time. maybe during a calmer moment, you could talk to him about the best way for you to communicate with each other.

 

I myself tend to be a very loving person. I liked to hug and kiss him a lot and I never realized that that probably bothered him.

Not necessarily. Some people with AS are very affectionate and enjoy being touched. You would need to ask him about that, because everyone's experiences are different anyway.

 

He also throws tantrums a lot and when we're arguing, will scream at the top of his lungs and will often jump into bed and hide under the covers.

This is not acceptable. Jumping into bed and hiding is not a helpful way to resolve a disagreement. It makes you feel guilty for upsetting him by raising the issue, and you get nowhere. He needs to find a better way. Maybe you can help with this too. It could be helpful to discuss this at a calmer time, try to find a way you can discuss things that one of you is upset about. You do have a right to say if there is something you are not happy about in a relationship, and be listened to.

 

I'm willing to compromise on anything to be in a relationship with him.

This is quite worrying to me. If you tell him this and he takes it literally (as many people with AS would), he may make demands of you that you are not happy with. If you are willing to accept a relationship on these terms, you could end up very resentful and unhappy, and that is not fair on anyone. Would you accept, for example, if he said he wanted to be able to have a sexual relationship with another person? What if he wanted to say nasty things about you in front of your friends?

 

But he has made it clear he cannot cope with the relationship as it was at this time. Would he be willing to carry on as friends for a while? That would give you time to get to know each other better. You could ask him to tell you if he feels overwhelmed, and then find ways to deal with that. You could make rules about how often and what days you will spend together, and things like that.

 

If you want to learn more about AS, it might help you understand him more. The Complete Guide to Asperger Syndrome by Tony Attwood is a clear, thorough overview of the condition. Obviously, everyone is different, but it may help you to understand things about him. Asperger Syndrome and Long Term Relationships by Ashley Stanford is a very good book. Apart from the obvious, it also looks at how AS can present in adults, especially those who grew up without diagnosis.

 

Ultimately though, you have to accept his wishes, even if that means ending the relationship.