Behaviour in brothers and sisters with ASD sibling?

[Cariad]

I couldn't think of a good way to describe it

 

I've had to go up to the school as my DD1 has been bullying two other girls in her class, also a student teacher who has since left. She has been putting nasty notes in peoples drawers and name calling and being very unpleasant. They asked if anything was wrong at home and all I can think of is that life with "T" is hard!

 

She is older than her years (9) in the way she acts and is amazing with "T" (12), she hugs him, helps him etc. She is awful to her younger sister (8) and will have physical fights with her.

 

Has anyone had this happen with their other children, Or can anyone shed any light on it?

[Kazzen161]

I think it is understandable that the demands of having a sibling with asd will affect a child. I know schools don't understand the implications at all.

 

Perhaps she feels she needs to be in control of others at school, as she cannot be at home? Perhaps she feels that she has to let her "nastiness" out somewhere, after having to be so good and helpful at home? (Not meaning she is any nastier than any other child - just human).

Perhaps she wants to get her way at school, as she cannot at home?

Perhaps it is a response to being "bullied" by her asd sibling?

 

T has affected our lives greatly. There are lots of things that we could have done without the constraints that T imposed eg: I have not encouraged M's talents in sport, as there was no way I could take him to matches and amuse T while M was playing. I did try a few times, but it was disasterous! Our circumstances were compounded by my being a single parent.

 

M has had a tough deal, haing a very challenging elder brother with AS (who would only do the things he wants to do), and a Twin brother with aspects of AS - whom he has to share a bedroom with and much of his time at school, his friends, etc. Anything R does reflects on M. M is always saying "It's not fair...." and it isn't.

 

M had some counselling when he was about 11, with Relate, who said he seemed OK. I asked for a mentor at school, but it never happened. He comes over to me as someone who has a big chip on his shoulder, but he is a teenager, so it is hard to know what comes from what!

 

Whatever the reason, bullying is unacceptable, and your dd needs to be taught better ways of dealing with her feelings. Does her school have an ELSA (Emotional Literacy Support Assisstant) that she could chat to? Even some one to one time with a kind LSA or the school nurse would help her I am sure. Some schools can refer children for counselling.

[sueeltringham]

It sounds very much like attention seeking/controlling behaviour. I just wondered if there were any sibling support groups near you that your daughter could attend? I attended a drama production by a sibling support group recently and it really hit a raw nerve how we spend so much time with our ASD kids and our lives revolve around them, because we have to and although other children are incredibly good with their ASD sibling, they do lose out on a 'normal' childhood. A support group might help your daughter come to terms with some of her feelings.

 

Sue

[Karen A]

Hi Cariad <'> We had the opposite problem with our elder son.He was too helpful and supportive with both his brother and other children at school.He would help support his brother and intervene in difficult situations at school.School did not really appreciate how difficult it may be completeing homework with a sibbling having a major strop.

I remember well explaining to school....who suggested that Ben might like to do his homework at homework club ''J goes to homework club so that he can work in peace and have a break ''.

J was very bright and socially able and school still did not really recognise his needs even when he ended up having panic attacks.We were able to access some support from a psychologist that helped a lot.We are also more aware of the need to support J and to give him space and some individual attention.

In my area there is a support/social group for sibblings of children with ASD it may be worth investigating whether there is a similar group in your area.If not there may be a young carers group that your DD might enjoy.

 

On the other hand it may be worth obtaining more information before deciding that DDs difficulties in school are related to your DS.They may be due to any number of other factors...being a 9 year old [dare I say girl....they do tend to resort to verbal unpleasantness rather than bashing each other ],or being involved with others that are involved in bullying.

I am not saying that the behaviour is acceptable or should be condoned but it may be worth some investigation.School may be very pleased if you admit that factors at home are the cause of DDs behaviour and may then feel it is up to you to do all the work to reslove the situation.Karen.

[pearl]

S is 5 years older than JP & found it hard at times, though she never bullied that we know of. I'm sure she felt neglected at times though we did our best to spend time with her too, often individually as with the age gap, gender difference & AS there wasnt much we could all do together as a family.

 

You just have to know you are doing the very best you can under difficult circumstances <'>

 

But I look at S now, at 23, working with special needs kids, & I think, well something must have gone right despite all the difficulties.

[dooday24]

we hav a few problems with shan she does get really stroppy at times but i know it is attention seeking as its mostly with me...

at schoo; ive just been to her parents evening to be told that shan does really well but could do better,

but spends most of her time helping others and tidying up and not getting on with her own work

which i can understand..

she is a very caring little girl but there needs to be a balance

love donnaxxx

[MelowMeldrew]

My partner's other children now adult, try to engage with my son, but he doesn't want to know. Nothing we've tried has given us any impression he feels in any way connected to them. We try to explain he doesn't enage with ANY other children let alone them, I'm not sure they really understand. He partially engages with other adults, but usually only us his parents.