Are AS girls self conscious about how they look?

[Louisa]

Hi

 

This may sound like a strange question but the reason I ask is that my daughter was assessed for aspergers and told although she ticks some boxes, she doesn't tick enough. They said however, that the main reason they don't think she has it is because she is very self conscious and worried about what other people think of her. Also because she would like to mix and be friends with people but just finds it too difficult.

 

I would appreciate your opinions on this please.

 

Thank you.

[Flora]

Can't speak for all of them, but can certainly speak for myself, and I would say that how I look is embarrassingly important to me. Important to the point that if I'm not happy with how I look I don't want to see other people! However, if there is a difference, I could say that it only concerns me in as much as what I think; if I think I look ok, then I don't really care what other people think. I know that sounds like a contradiction, but I can't imagine how other people perceive me so I assume that they see what I see. There have been times when I've cut a night out short, or when I haven't socialised at all, because I thought I looked awful, and no amount of flattery or reassurance from others would convince me otherwise. However you can also turn that around, if I think I look good nobody else can convince me that I don't!!!

 

I see it as a form of proctection. If I've got my makeup on, clean hair and smell nice etc then it's like a shield. I would also say that I know from my friends that most women are like this, NT or otherwise.

 

We need bid here!!! I think the term is 'clinically well dressed'

 

Flora

[Louisa]

Hi Flora

 

I like that term ?clinically well dressed? ? lol!

 

My daughter is exactly like you, in that she won?t go anywhere unless she thinks she looks ok but her problem is that she won?t listen when people tell her she looks lovely etc and she nearly always thinks she looks a mess.

 

Maybe if people her own age told her she would believe them and have confidence but it is a vicious circle as she wont see them because she feels too ?ugly?. The ironic thing is that she is really pretty.

 

She has so much in common with many people on this forum but like I stated the ASD team said if she had AS, she wouldn?t want to mix with others (and she definitely wouldn?t be self conscious).

 

Louisa xx

[Kathryn]

They said however, that the main reason they don't think she has it is because she is very self conscious and worried about what other people think of her. Also because she would like to mix and be friends with people but just finds it too difficult.

 

It's bad enough when Joe Public makes such sweeping generalisations, but when influential professionals do it too, it's extremely frustrating and depressing as their shallow judgements affect people's lives. When will they realise that people with AS are also unique people with personalities? It's high time the stereotype of the aloof asocial individual was blown out of the water.

 

My daughter who is now 19 (dx AS at 15) is not bothered about other people's opinions of her. She doesn't attempt to conform at all and doesn't mind standing out from the crowd.

 

However she went through all her teen years up to 15 being very self conscious, trying hard to fit in with everyone else, to the point of following all the current trends in clothes and music, and trying to be interested in the things other teenage girls were preoccupied with.

 

She values friendships and doesn't want to be isolated although she struggles to make friends, except in cyberspace. She would love to have a thriving social life.

 

Louisa, your daughter sounds a bit like mine at 14. She has been through some tough times, including severe depression, and although she still has her ups and downs, she is growing into a lovely woman who is learning to live comfortably with herself. I hope with the right support, the same will happen to your daughter.

 

K x

[Tally]

When you struggle to fit in, it's a common assumption to jump to that there is something 'wrong' with you. A lot of people with AS are very self-conscious about various different things. Worrying about what others think proves she has some understanding that other people have thoughts, but most people with AS do have some level of Theory of Mind.

[JenRose]

when i was a teenager at school, i couldnt have cared less about how i looked, fitting in with the crowd just did not bother me.

 

im not as bad now, but i do care how i look when i go out apart from if im in a depressed stage then i couldnt give a monkeys.

 

im not a follower of fashion,never have been, it doesnt interest me one bit, growing up i was very confused as to why all the girls needed to look like madonna or cyndi lauper (showing my age here!) and i didnt care less about the latest pop groups.

 

i wouldnt agree that you cant be AS if you care about your appearance cos i could be that a girl with AS does care about her appearance but not to the same level as say a girl who is NT.

[darky]

I can speak for myself and my girl. I don't much care what other people think. I am one of the last vain woman ever. BUT I don't notice much on anyone else either, unless it is totally obvious! I do laugh sometimes at some woman. No offence to anyone here, but the way some woman parade in front of me bouncing their hair, or trying to hint at a new top and I am like What are you on? It's only when they spell it out, I recognise what they are on about. Some people take offence that I don't notice, but I just don't. I guess it's because I don't judge other people by what they wear or look like at all, so I don't expect people to do that to me. I don't like people commenting either good or bad. I don't give compliments and I don't take them well at all. For me clothes have a purpose, to cover up, and they have to be comfortable and feet right!

 

Right as for my girl. I don't think I could possibly have a less self concious girl if I tried. She does love pink and barbie and disney princess, kind of like steriotypical girl, but it don't phase her to wear anything in particular. She strips off, she gets VERY dirty, flashes her knickers all the time. She really is not self concious at all. She also does not see differences in other people or notice what they are wearing.

 

My boys are the same! They have one set of clothes they would wear all the time, despite having a full wardrobe and spend most weekends wrapped up in dressing gowns with the hoods up no matter what the weather.

[darky]

I just want to say that I am quite like Flora in that if my clothes don't feel right, then I don't feel right either and I tend to be more self concious then. I am more self concious in a crowd but I think that is because I am uncomfortable in large groups making small talk, so the whole experience makes me feel self concious rather than how I look. I think people noticing me because I stand out and always say the wrong things in public! I am always first to arrive somewhere because I can't stand that rush of people who all turn to look when I walk in

 

I also forgot to say, my youngest son is like the pretending to be normal and he is self concious about standing out. He HATED the first 2 weeks at scouts because he did not have a uniform. He also tries to join in the steriotypical things boys do in order to try and fit in.

[jb1964]

Hi,

 

Many of the posts on here reflect my daughter. She's nearly 15 and just!! becoming aware of her appearance. She doesn't care particularly about what she looks like - but she has all of a sudden become aware of 'something', ie. looking 'clean' - whereas up until recently nothing has phased her.

 

Now providing her clothes are comfy, her hair is clean and brushed that is all that matters at the moment (and that is a big big big improvement) - although I have to say that I've never worn make up myself or been one for regular hair-do's and fancy clothes so it isn't like she's made aware in the home (yet my NT 5yr old is totally wrapped up in fashion/hair etc - which I find strange).

 

On the other hand she is very self conscious in other ways - when she's aware for some reason - i.e. if it matters personally to her somehow - if there is a reason why it is important to her not stand out or not look right (I don't know if that really makes sense).

 

My daughter doesn't see any fashion/look or difference important - in what others look like. The biggest noticable point for me was when she told me in class a teacher had been talking about war etc and he mentioned Simon Weston and his injuries and she said she knew him after seeing him on the TV/papers etc - but that she didn't even know he had been burnt - she thought that was just the way he'd been made......

 

Take care,

Jb

[sadie]

My DD,aged 13, was never self concious about her clothes until recently. Overnight she had developed an interest in clothes and make up. Maybe just following the herd?

.She got given a posh make up kit as a reward at school (she didn't choose it herself) and I told her that I couldn't help as I've barely used the stuff in my life. Now she just splodges it on though I keep telling her that less is more......she often has panda eyes and can't speak properly if she has too much lipstick inside her lips!!!

:rolleyes: And she takes an interest in her clothes....keeps changing throughout the day...individually the clothes look very nice.......but the way she puts them together!! :lo A bit like a 5 year old playing at dressing up but the difference being that she actually cares. And no one is suggesting that she isn't ASD.

[Louisa]

Thank you all for your replies ? they?re interesting.

 

Katherine I agree with your comments about people with AS being unique etc. I?m not sure whether to push them re diagnosis or just concentrate on getting her helped. As she is out of school anyway now, I?m not sure being diagnosed would have much benefit.

 

I am glad your daughter has come through most of her hard times.

 

Thanks again everyone

xx

[Babylicious]

Paris doesn't care about how she looks, she has 3 t-shirts that she likes and plays up when they are not ready for her to wear.