new to this need help but don't really want diagnosis

[JAGK]

A friend has adviced me to use this forum but I don't know if i should be here.

I am still not sure my son aged 8 has aspergers. the pediatritian says possibly but needs testing to be sure.

We feel it is mild and as a teacher I know he would not get any support in school so don't see the benefits of a diagnosis for J. Might help us but would be unessesary stress for him.

School is ok he goes to a steiner school which he enjoys, school acknowledge he is a bit different but see with help he copes, he has had a few tantrums at school when he was five no throwing just loud crying I feel we are over the first hurdle.

He has no freinds but is this because he is the youngest in a 2 year age group and has always been a little immature for his years.

 

At home we struggle. I don't know if this is a result of bad parenting techniques or more.

J is bright , he has specific interests, could they be obsessions? I don't know. He tries very hard to dominate our household, tantrums if he doesn't get his own way which can last up to an hour sometimes,and even then the issue he has in his head he still finds hard to drop. these range from 3 times a week to 3 times a day. these tantrums happen anywhere and always have, he does not seem to be aware of his surroundings when having one. he throws things which result in breakages, he shouts and pushes attempts to hit but usually stops himself mid tantrum but does hit and lash out at his younger brother. I have tried lots of diffrent techniques reward charts etc but they help for the first few days but then he will say he doesn't care if he does'nt get a,b or c . he gets so angry and agressive it's frightening that such a young child can exhibit such fury and very sad to see a child who seems so stressed. We have a trampoline but he will only go on it on his own terms. i cannot send him for time out to calm down as i do with his brother as he refuses, when he was younger I could carry him kicking and screaming but not anymore.

J is very loving , makes eye contact, can be tactile, appologetic after a tantrum, developed good linguistic skills advanced to his years. so could he really have aspergers? It may sound like i am in denial but no i just want to be sure about what i have to deal with, it's a spectrum we must all have some traits that are on the spectrum. Does anyone have children similar to j or are you all dealing with much much more. Is there any support we can get without having to get a diagnosis?

[baddad]

Hi jagK - Welcome to the forum

 

Here's a recent topic on the subject of autistic 'traits' - you might find it useful:

 

http://www.asd-forum.org.uk/forum/index.php?showtopic=17752

 

It could be that your son has some traits, but would not meet the full criteria for diagnosis ( I think I posted a link to the DSM IV in the above thread too)... Alternatively, it could be more serious than that - the only person who can really make that decision about looking into dx is you. Personally, if it's impacting on his life, I would want to investigate that, 'cos even if it isn't autism, finding out what (if anything) it is would be beneficial

 

It's really good that you are considering the possibility that some aspects of your parenting could be complicating the picture - that's not to suggest that it is, but the simple fact that you recognise the potential for that (and are not hostile to it) makes for a much more realistic 'holistic' assessment.

 

One other interesting point - you've highlighted that he 'has no friends', but then offered an explanation for that. The explanation is a reasonable one, but given the fact that you are considering yourself whether you might be in denial about the full extent of his problems, maybe it's not entirely reasonable, IYKWIM?

 

Whether ASD or something else or nothing more than a developmental timing 'blip' I hope you can find some answers and find the forum useful.

 

BD

 

PS: you'd double posted this topic - I've deleted the 'copy' for you

[pearl]

Hi JAGK & welcome

 

J is very loving , makes eye contact, can be tactile, appologetic after a tantrum, developed good linguistic skills advanced to his years. so could he really have aspergers?

 

You could be describing my son there apart from the tactile bit (its like hugging an ironing board), the whole eye contact thing can be such a red herring, peeps on here have had their children rejected for a diagnosis by professionals on the basis of good eye contact, but its more complex than that. So, I'm not saying your lad is AS, just that what you have said there is no reason to say he isn't.

 

Like BD says, a name for what it is can help everyone, especially your boy to know that there is a reason for his behaviour, and also it can be v difficult to obtain appropriate help without a "label".

 

Before we got JP's dx, we put strategies in place at home and school, as if he was AS - benefitted him so we were already ahead of the game by the time the dx was given.

 

Anyhoo you will get lots of support here whatever route you decide to take <'>

[Cat]

J is very loving , makes eye contact, can be tactile, appologetic after a tantrum, developed good linguistic skills advanced to his years. so could he really have aspergers?

 

Yes - my son is just like you have posted. His diagnosis is High Functioning Autism not AS this is because he had a language delay. However now aged 11 you could be mistaken for thinking that he had swallowed a dictionary. But that does not mean that he understands every words that he uses. Even if he uses them in the right context. The use of language does not always add up to the same level of comprehension.

 

It may sound like i am in denial but no i just want to be sure about what i have to deal with, it's a spectrum we must all have some traits that are on the spectrum.

 

I think many people have traits of the spectrum. I know that I have - and some my husband would say. However we do not all have what it takes to be given a diagnosis. The elder of my two was 13 when he was diagnosed with AS. His AS might not have been serious enough for him to have been given a diagnosis when he was younger (although we did try) but now aged 21 I can say that his AS is anything but mild. There is no such things as mild AS or ASD. If someone has AS or ASD and their needs are not met or left then the AS or ASD will eventually smack you in the face so hard that it is almost impossible to ignore it. My 21 still struggles to understand himself. On the other hand the 11 year old knows himself very well and understand what makes him tick. I never wanted either of my sons to be swimming against an NT tide and not knowing what they were doing that was do wrong but feeling that they were doing something wrong and that it was all their fault.

 

How can anyone hope to make their way through life without having an idea of who they are or what makes them tick. That does not mean that you need a firm diagnosis to know how you tick but with something like autism I do believe that it can help.

 

Cat

Edited May 31, 2008 by Cat

[JsMum]

School is much more than learning to read and write, its about social understanding, making friends, interacting, feeling a belonging, been excepted no matter how different we are, been involved, valued, contributing, giving ideas and been liked as well as excepting we may be disliked but not for having an impairment in our development, your son is clearly struggling socially in school, he may enjoy the learning aspect as it gives him an opportunity to share his own abilities, fact, knowledge, keeping information that makes others go wow, but when it comes to games with rules, conversations that dont include facts and figure or their lastest obsessions, relationships fail, and it sounds like your son is terribly isolated, even at home, and with his behaviour communicating in actions rather than words it makes others close down more increasing his need to communicate beyound the red line.

 

Time outs/punichments dont work for children with sen they need preperations, warnings, other interventions, quick fix star charts fail because they learn to manipulate it quicker than the stars drying so its not really effective, ive use star charts but for short periods and with instant rewards and not all the time, a calm area, opportunities to express, communicate will help him keep the frustration down so access to drawing, craft materials, anger management, looking at feelings, visual support have really helped reduce my sons behaviour, a child who has a multi diagnosis which really can mask other conditions and only when its effecting other areas like mental and emotional health do you see the damage of an undiagnosed ASD.

 

It may well be that he has a combination of difficulties, only an assessment will help you get some answers and getting assessements are time consuming and the process stressful but if it starts to effect their lives then lables help you access the support required as sometimes its a number of support services that need to be involved which is another reason why its difficult to get a absalout diagnosis.

 

My son has many of the difficulties described as your son, but he wont be the same as your son, everyone is different, yes similair but always different.

 

I hope that some of the posts here give you at least a sense that you are not on your own struggling with behavioural and social issues, its draining and exhausting but we get so much more apreciation when we see the smallest achievement, your son sounds like he could be someones best friend, if he was given the right resources, the right help, lets hope that with the help of the forum that can be the first step forward.

 

what ever happens its not easy but with out a diagnosis its even harder.

 

JsMum

[JsMum]

You noted that it may be mild.

 

you could have 10 children diagnosed a mild. AS. and yet together they could represent different milds, different degrees, but all be classified as mildly AS.

 

Personally the diagnosis should state just AS, not mild, to have AS you have an impairment in the triad of communication, social, theory of mind.

 

If he meets the diagnostic tool then its AS.

 

JsMum

[Kazzen161]

Yes, a lot of what you say does sound like Aspergers.

 

My youngest has "traits of Aspergers" - we settled on that as a diagnosis as his problems are relatively mild, but he needed a "label" in order to get more help and understanding at school.

 

It would do no harm if you read a few books on Aspergers (eg: Tony Attwood's), as I think with increased understanding you will be able to reduce your son's anxieties and thereby reduce the outbursts (eg: use of visual timetables, routines, forewarning).

 

My eldest's lack of eye contact was very noticeable when he was younger, but my youngest's seemed qite normal - however, I did notice that he very obviously avoided eye contact when in a meeting with an autism outreach person, whom he did not know.

[pim]

Hi,

 

Your son is slightly older then mine and there are similarities.

 

I was puzzled as to why you think he wouldn't get any support in school. There are other ways of offering support other than 1:1 help in the class.

I don't know much about Steiner Schools, but as a private school it's a different set up than state school.

 

You asked what support could your son get if he was Dx. The main support for us has been 1:1 help in school. But not only that the school have been more understanding of him and given him certain allowances. Some teachers, not all though, have gone out of their way to help him be an active member of the class. In the class they have worked on his social skills and all the children like him and accept him. If it wasn't for the dx then I think the other children wouldn't have been taught to have been so accepting of him. He would have been an easy target to be bullied, because he is different. He is also the youngest in the class.

 

It's not all been rosy. There have been extreme ups and downs.

 

My ds went to a Montessori school (before dx), and after a very good start, had a very bad time there. I thought the small class sizes would be beneficial for him and doing things at the childs own pace. But I found they were more rigid, less understnding and had considerable less experience in working with children with SEN.

 

Hope that helps.

 

pim

[mummy]

My son was diagnosed with Aspergers at the age of 11. He doesn't need help at school, he is bright and works well although he does need a lot of support with homework. He is now in yr 10 and preparing for GCSEs

 

One advantage of having a Dx was that when he went up to high school we could say 'he has a diagnosis of Aspergers,- these are things he may struggle with - he's not just being awkward.

The school were brilliant, even down to arranging for us to meet another boy the same age who would be on his bus so at least he knew someone on his first day. They have remained firm friends ever since.

 

I understand why you may not want want a Dx but for the sake of the school understanding why he may be a little different I think it is worth it.

 

Mummy x