Help Please!!!

[babymithel]

My daughter is about to turn 18. She has been at college for 2 years since leaving school. She had the option of doing another year at college, but me and my husband have advised her to try and find a job, as we think the college has been holding her back somewhat. She has a few friends there, but they have probably more difficulties than my daughter, and i feel that her expectations of the future have been lowered somewhat. Her best friend's Mum told me that her daughter would probably never have a job, and i feel this has influenced my daughter, and she thinks she is the same, and is apprehensive at the idea of working.

 

I have helped my daughter to apply for a few jobs online, its really hard trying to find something that she will be able to cope with. But i'm sure she is employable. Every time i write something about her aspergers though, i feel that that will instantly put off prospective employers. Am i right? will it? It would be nice to avoid mentioning it, but its not something that you could do, as if they found out at a leter date that she'd lied, she'd probably get the sack!! lol

 

In the mean time, do i get her to apply for income support or job seekers? would the jobcentre be able to find her a job, as she has a learning disability?

 

Also, she has talked about driving lessons. I don't know that she is really the driving type. If i let her do lessons, she may get on great and then have problems doing the theory test. Would she be allowed more time to do it? or be able to have someone read the questions for her??

 

I am trying to be a good Mother, and make life as easy as i can for her, its soooooo hard to know what to do. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[Mumble]

But i'm sure she is employable. Every time i write something about her aspergers though, i feel that that will instantly put off prospective employers. Am i right? will it?

Hi

 

Well it probably depends on the employer to a certain extent and whether and how they've come across ASDs before. I don't think (unfortunately) that there are any hard and fast rules. I thought that I was OK and that I had a career ahead of me in my chosen field. Pre-dx I did. I didn't change on being diagnosed, but others' attitudes did. I have been told that I can not work in my chosen field because I am autistic. This is scandalous and outright discrimination, but I am totally trapped because it's a career that works on people knowing each other and the main person that could help me into it has made up his mind that I am unfit because of my label. I don't have a chance to prove others wrong and yet that's all I need - my hall managers, for instance, now they've got to know me have said they wouldn't give a second thought to employing an autistic person as they can see that I am just as capable as anyone else. Had they not met me, and had the opportunity to find that out, their thoughts may have been different.

 

Sorry, that probably doesn't help much, does it? I'm very stuck on this one as I have no idea what to do now. I'm highly qualified yet there's the label to see past. People need a chance to see what I/we can do, but to a certain extent I can understand why they may be reluctant to take that chance if they don't have an understanding as it could be costly to them.

[bid]

My daughter is about to turn 18. She has been at college for 2 years since leaving school. She had the option of doing another year at college, but me and my husband have advised her to try and find a job, as we think the college has been holding her back somewhat. She has a few friends there, but they have probably more difficulties than my daughter, and i feel that her expectations of the future have been lowered somewhat. Her best friend's Mum told me that her daughter would probably never have a job, and i feel this has influenced my daughter, and she thinks she is the same, and is apprehensive at the idea of working.

 

I have helped my daughter to apply for a few jobs online, its really hard trying to find something that she will be able to cope with. But i'm sure she is employable. Every time i write something about her aspergers though, i feel that that will instantly put off prospective employers. Am i right? will it? It would be nice to avoid mentioning it, but its not something that you could do, as if they found out at a leter date that she'd lied, she'd probably get the sack!! lol

 

In the mean time, do i get her to apply for income support or job seekers? would the jobcentre be able to find her a job, as she has a learning disability?

 

Also, she has talked about driving lessons. I don't know that she is really the driving type. If i let her do lessons, she may get on great and then have problems doing the theory test. Would she be allowed more time to do it? or be able to have someone read the questions for her??

 

I am trying to be a good Mother, and make life as easy as i can for her, its soooooo hard to know what to do. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

 

Welcome to the forum

 

My son will be 19 this month, and last year he left a residential special school followed by special college. He has failed to settle into mainstream college since then. He now works part-time at our local super-market, with a view to doing an evening course in September that will give him access to uni.

 

As my son is now an adult I offer help or support, but accept when he declines and let him get on with things in his own way (oh, and he usually shouts at me when I offer the support!). He organised his part-time job completely on his own, and didn't put on the form that he has AS because he didn't want to. I have absolutely no idea whether it's illegal to not disclose the fact you are autistic...he didn't say he has Dyspraxia or ADHD either. He seems to be doing really well in his job, and loves having his own money.

 

I have a dx of AS too, and my employers know about it, although I was already working for them when I got my dx. Maybe because I work in a residesntial special school I have never encountered any problems with acceptance, and have been promoted, etc.

 

I guess I'm trying to say that it's so hard when our kids become adults, but we do have to step back and let them do things themselves. Have you thought about encouraging your daughter fill in her own application forms, leaving her to decide what she puts about herself including her AS?

 

As for driving...ask her opinion as to what she wants to do. Once she's 18, it's not really a case of you 'letting' her learn to drive...she will be an adult and must make up her own mind.

 

I do know how hard it is, especially when we have done so much for our kids for all their previous life, but it is good for both of you to step back a little.

 

Good luck! <'>

 

Bid

Edited July 5, 2008 by bid

[pearl]

Hi

I'm in a similar position to bid, my lad has been left college a year now.

I think a lot depends on your daughter's personality - for instance I get the impression that bid's lad is more of an independent thinker than mine & therefore needs a different kind of parental support. JP would still happily let me do everything for him so its harder to step back in that sense. (Tho I am trying!)

 

JP is almost a year into an apprenticeship. I can only speak from personal experience, but we found the public sector to be very supportive. He disclosed from the start & they allowed reasonable adjustments for him during the recruitment process. He has been well supported at work, & we are really hoping he gets permanent employment at the end of his apprenticeship. For him, disclosure has brought nothing but benefits. Might be a different story in the private sector though.

 

Before his apprenticeship he did a Christmas job in a supermarket, which gave him a huge boost to his confidence as it made him realise he could cope with the world of work.

 

He really wanted to learn to drive, so I asked around & got a recommendation for a calm, patient instructor. Again, we explained the situation, he was new to AS but happy to see how JP got on. I'm happy to say he passed first time, went on to do Pass Plus & is now keen to do Advanced Driving. And his 70 year old instructor is enjoying a late flowering of his career teaching Aspies to drive As far as the Theory Test goes, probs best to enquire about reasonable adjustments. JP managed without any, but had he experienced difficulties first time, we would have made enquiries.

 

I'm not sure about benefits, might be worth talking to the disability advisor at the Job Centre. JP gets DLA, you can get that & work as well.

 

You are not trying to be a good mother, you are a good mother.

Its a difficult stage when they become adults, we have to find new ways of parenting. <'>

[baddad]

Hi babymithel -

 

not been in your position personally, but do have a nephew who's around the sam ge as your daughter who's on the spectrum and at college...

Personally, if that's where she wants to be right now, and she's getting her grades/qualifications etc I'd say that's the best thing, purely because it is what she wants, and it's setting her up for better things. Many of the parents on the forum with older children will describe the very opposite scenario, children determined to get out of school with no qualifications and no real idea or interest in working, or skills for acquiring work. That in itself isn't necessarily a problem (what does it matter if our kids haven't reached that place at the 'predicted' time, or even if they never reach it, so long as we're stretching them and they're stretching themselves and their achieving everything they can achieve positively?), but it's a nightmare scenario when it is.

 

I can understand your concerns about peer models, but the flipside of that may have been an environment where she couldn't keep up with what was going on and suffered huge self esteem issues as a consequence. Better to arrive late than crash and burn out halfway there. Maybe your daughter's being a bit overcautious, but that's not such a bad thing. Put her in the right environment (work or college) and that caution will fade as her confidence grows. Additionally, it's an absolute fact that most adults with AS or HFA do have more employment problems/issues, so an awareness of that is a very real benefit, because it helps to qualify what can feel like a personal failure. I think the 'declaring' AS one is tricky... if it's definite or likely that the person will need extra support then no way can you not say, but I guess for peeps with really good (comparatively speaking) people and social skills it would have to be a personal decision, though you're absolutely right that if not dislosed it could prove prejudicial later on.

 

Driving lessons - If that's what she wants, go for it. If she does struggle, she could go for her 'automatic gearbox' test, which has solved the problem for a couple of peeps here who couldn't quite get the whole "two things going at once" thing going comfortably.

 

Finally - re friends/other students. All people with AS/ASD present in different ways. Their "uneven profiles" will also vary in different ways. As parents, we tend to get used to our own child's 'ways' and often stoip even noticing them, while they could stand out to others as very unusual. We have to take that into consideration when we meet our kids friends, because some of their accepted ways at home might stand out to us, when in fact in over-all terms they're not so different at all.

 

Hope that helps

 

Edited July 5, 2008 by baddad

[Mumble]

Can anyone clarify the situation legally on not disclosing, particularly if a form says "Are you disabled?" (as opposed to 'Do you consider yourself disabled?')

[Thompsons]

Hiya

 

I just turned 18 (I'm also in Bedfordshire) and I don't work.. I think it depends on how your daughter feels.. At the moment I know that I wouldn't be able to work. I was home-schooled and never went to college.. I have issues with being out of the house for longer than a couple of hours and a lot of other problems on top of that. I'm not even bothering to look into getting a job just yet - not until I get myself sorted a bit - as I know that I'm not going to be a reliable worker.

 

I get a DVLA allowance every month and this week I've also joined a group named Mind. They work with people with mental disabilities to help them get back into society, help them with careers, ect. The one I go to is in Hemel Hempstead. http://www.hertsmindnetwork.org/

 

I've also been wanting to drive. I figured I'm going to start by just learning everything I need to know for the written test and then see how it goes from there.

 

I hope that's of some help!

Edited July 5, 2008 by Thompsons

[Tally]

You can be sacked if you make claims in your application which later turn out to be false.

However, your employer cannot access your medical records (except in certain occupations - you would know if you were applying for this type of job).

If you do not admit you have a disability and later need any special adjustments, you will not be able to ask for them.

If you do admit you have a disability, an employer can choose not to employ you. This is illegal, but many employers get around this by offering other explanations.

 

Personally, my advice would be to disclose Asperger's at application. Give a brief explanation of symptoms that are likely to be relevant in the workplace and at interview.

 

There are schemes to help people with AS get jobs. The NAS's Prospects is one, but it is only available in certain areas. Even if they can't help themselves, the NAS may be able to advise you who could. A voluntary position would give her some experience of the workplace, without too many expectations. It would also look good on a CV and they may even offer her a reference.

 

I don't know much about the benefit system, but I think it is normally better to apply for the sickness-related benefit than Job Seeker's Allowance, as on JSA she will be constantly pestered about seeking employment. The NAS also have a special department who can advise on welfare related issues.

 

As for driving, maybe there is a test she could take online that is like the written test? Maybe you should contact your nearest test centre and ask what accommodations might be available. A driving instructor is probably the best person to advise whether she is a competent driver. Perhaps you could book one or two driving lessons for her and ask the instructor to talk with you both afterwards and see how she is getting on.

[Kathryn]

Welcome to the forum babymithel.

 

My daughter is 19 and I share many of your concerns. I think what Bid says is right - it's important as parents to try and step back a little - and it's so difficult when all your instincts are to protect your child and make everything smooth for them, isn't it? I find it really difficult myself. It seems from your posts that you do a lot to help your daughter. Maybe she needs to take some small steps in independence before she can consider getting and keeping a job? Perhaps a voluntary job with a charity might be a good place to start? It would give her a taste of working life, get something on her cv, and a referee or two, without the pressure that goes with a paid job. Charity shops are always crying out for volunteers, and if that isn't her scene, your local volunteer bureau will have loads of volunteering opportunities on their books, covering everything from office work to animal care, so there's bound to be something that interests her. The motivation has to come from her, really, if she's to stick at it.

 

I'd be interested to know what your daughter has been doing at college. My daughter is also at college and has been on a fairly sheltered entry level programme for the past three years, after suffering a severe breakdown at her mainstream school. She herself feels that she has not worked to her potential and is extremely frustrated and ready to move on. Next year she will start a BTec in IT. She also worries about the future and holding down a job.

 

Re income support and jobseekers - I'm not sure about these. My daughter gets a fairly good DLA package at the moment, which is enough for her current needs, so we haven't looked into other benefits. Lots of good advice on the directgov website though.

 

Keep posting - it's very helpful to hear about the experiences of other parents of adult children - it can be a very isolated position to be in.

 

K x

[alanm]

My daughter is about to turn 18. Her best friend's Mum told me that her daughter would probably never have a job, and i feel this has influenced my daughter, and she thinks she is the same, and is apprehensive at the idea of working. I have helped my daughter to apply for a few jobs online, its really hard trying to find something that she will be able to cope with. But i'm sure she is employable. Every time i write something about her aspergers though, i feel that that will instantly put off prospective employers.

Hi and welcome to the board, first I'd just like to take the opportunity to wish her good luck. I empathise so much with this thread as I'm in the same boat. Many on here will have seen my posts on other threads, and I know that overall I'm so definitely capable of work, but come across the obstacle of so many adverts are asking for "good / excellent communication skills", even when I meet most/all other points listed.

 

 

You can be sacked if you make claims in your application which later turn out to be false. However, your employer cannot access your medical records (except in certain occupations - you would know if you were applying for this type of job). If you do not admit you have a disability and later need any special adjustments, you will not be able to ask for them. If you do admit you have a disability, an employer can choose not to employ you. This is illegal, but many employers get around this by offering other explanations. Personally, my advice would be to disclose Asperger's at application.

When I joined the board a few months ago, I'd had a substantial post on this issue on Bid's thread Little bit weird..., first 'official' outing about how I hadn't been disclosing it in the past but know it is for the best to do so now. I'm aware it probably means I'm being rejected sometimes, and that employers are getting round it by saying they simply "appointed someone with a closer match to the role profile," but at the same time know it would be my leg to stand on if I got the job and had issues. Additionally, being unemployed and applying for new possible jobs, one thing about declaration at application or interview stage is that I can advise companies that the Jobcentre does a grant, the "Job Introduction Scheme" for disabled people. The Disability adviser at my local centre had suggested I could include his contact information if I enclosed information on this scheme with applications.

 

 

I don't know much about the benefit system, but I think it is normally better to apply for the sickness-related benefit than Job Seeker's Allowance, as on JSA she will be constantly pestered about seeking employment. The NAS also have a special department who can advise on welfare related issues.

This must be a tricky one for many people with AS, for myself there's no way I'd be deemed "incapable" such as to get Incapacity. I will say my local centre staff have been good in appreciating I have a disability and are realistic in acknowledging that so many ads stipulating "good communication skills" does represent a substantial obstacle and they know it would be unrealistic for me to go for a role that was primarily reception and telephone oriented. My Jobseekers Agreement was noted to acknowledge the "impact on work" in that I should avoid face-to-face and telephone customer contact.

 

 

JP disclosed from the start & they allowed reasonable adjustments for him during the recruitment process. He has been well supported at work, & we are really hoping he gets permanent employment at the end of his apprenticeship. For him, disclosure has brought nothing but benefits. Might be a different story in the private sector though.

Hi Pearl, certainly I'm so pleased he has been so well supported, good luck to him for the rest of his apprenticeship.

 

All the best

 

Alan

Edited July 10, 2008 by alanm

[LicklePaulie]

If you do admit you have a disability, an employer can choose not to employ you. This is illegal, but many employers get around this by offering other explanations.

Such action is only illegal if the disability is the reason they choose not to employ you - and that is a very difficult thing to prove because of the other explanations they may offer!

[shellw]

Hi,

 

I am hoping that I can be of some help here. I personally work for an organisation called action for employment or a4e - website www.a4e.co.uk and we take the contracts for people on New Deal through the job centre (long term unemployed), we also run programmes for disabled people including those with ASDs and basic skills (literacy and numeracy) needs. The programmes usually consist of supported job search and a supported work experience pacement which would give you or your children the experience of working and help you all work out whether this is right for her. After the placement we use recruiters to place people into jobs and work trials relevant to them.

A4e is a nationwide company so its worth checking out their web page and if they don't run a local programme phone the customer services department who will be happy to let you know who provides this service in your area.

Whilst I wouldn't reccomend job seekers allowance there are some benefits including the provision of a disabled persons advisor so you can chat to them about your options. I would also like to offer my services FREE to anyone on this forum, as part of my job I write CVs on a regular basis which are essential, along with a covering letter to apply for jobs. I also have children with ASDs and know how it feels and so would like to help anyone I can by offering to complete free cv's and cover letters, just contact me, anytime!

On the question of whether to disclose a disability - I personally think employers are becoming more receptive to the benefits of employng disabled people and any employer who quotes 'positive about disabled people' will usually guarantee an interview to people with a disability as long as they meet the desired criteria for the job so look out for that it is VERY popular now!

[pearl]

I would also like to offer my services FREE to anyone on this forum, as part of my job I write CVs on a regular basis which are essential, along with a covering letter to apply for jobs. I also have children with ASDs and know how it feels and so would like to help anyone I can by offering to complete free cv's and cover letters, just contact me, anytime!

 

Thats a really kind offer shell

[shellw]

Hi,

thankyou, I just think that we should help one another out where possible and this is a skill I can use to help.

Shellx