how do you cope with other parents in playground

[alisonatt]

hi <'> i was just wondering how any of you cope with parents of children that go to same school as your child, i find a few are telling there kids not to play with mine cos they say he is naughty its just he does not know how to play with the other children, do you fine that telling the other parents about your child helps, i am not sure what to do as it is heart breaking when my son said i not invited to a party cos his mum had said i am to bad, just wish they could all see the little boy thats inside and not judge him for things he cannot help.

[tjw]

hi allison

i have told afew mums due to the fact that they were asking me questions because i have to go on school outings and no other mum are allowed. these few i have told tend to look out for g and are very good, but just the other wk i heard one mum refering to g new class as the thicky class which was realy sad cos her dd is in the same class i dont tend to give these kind of mums the time of day. g has only 2 friends at school and the mums of these kids no also very supportive, hope this helps a bit take care

theresa x

[alisonatt]

hi <'> thanks for your advice, jay is lucky at school he has his own special helper at school so she goes on any trips with him,there are mums i dont give time of day to, i just worry that it might upset my son.

[JsMum]

It sounds like discrimination, pure and simple, there not inviting him because he is bad, and the people stopping him are adults, personally it is heartbreaking and cruel, it has happened to J too, A boy got a smack across his bum by his bulling father because he had played with my son, they were friends, though my son had severe social difficulties they excepted his differences but the parents wouldnt, and threathened there kids if they played with my son.

 

J has been to a few parties since his diagnosis as I carry a card now that explains his special needs, over the years more have come to understand, but looking back J was subjected to a lot of discrimination.

 

Sometimes children dont get an invitation because it would be too expensive to invite all the children but to have had words like I am too bad needs addressing and he will need some help in expressing how he feels, but with you there to hug him and comfort him that can help bridge some of the pain for now.

 

If your son has particular difficulties with socialising this needs raising with the senco at his school so they can put in place some support and offer some courses, if this doesnt get addressed then over time there self esteem severely suffers.

 

if the birthday party is a known day do something particularly nice that day together.

 

JsMum

[alisonatt]

hi <'> thanks for all your advice we did something special on that day and went to the zoo, and we got through the day with only one or two upsets which is great for jay.

[cmuir]

Hi

 

Been there and it's not a nice place to be.

 

One day in particular brings back painful memories at the school. R was fine in the car but for some reason decided to kick off big time just prior, during and after the bell ringing/lining up. He had a full audience and decided to start shouting and screaming at me how he wished I was dead. Teacher came over and said 'oh that must be so upsetting for you'. She was obviously well meaning, but I replied 'actually, he's distressed because he has Aspergers and I put the wrong shade of yellow polo shirt on him ... what's actually concerns me is the gossip brigade that actually enjoy being entertained by a disabled child'. Make no mistake, they all heard me! At that, they all decided to scurry off. For me that was a real turning point in that it brought home to me that whilst they all look down their noses, those parents actually have no idea at all what my son and I go through/have to cope with. I make a point of not standing beside them. I do say 'morning' to one or two, but I leave it at that. My son is the number one priority and I no longer have the time or the energy to being upset by them.

 

I must say, things have improved in that I think perhaps some have have a hard look at themselves and perhaps they now realise how difficult life can be. However, all round, R has made good progress and I believe that some are coming around. R occasionally receives invitations to parties, etc, which is a real turnaround from never receiving invitations.

 

I'm not sure what advice to give you, but I agonised over the same issue - do I try and explain things? I think it's a very personal decision. If you decided to tell parents, one way very informative way of doing it would be to contact NAS and get a bundle of leaflets. Just a thought.

 

Hope things improve for you soon. I know how difficult the playground environment can be.

 

Caroline

[Emum]

My child goes to a special school so don't have this problem really, but it seems to me that if you don't tell the parents in the playground, then how are they to know that he isn't just plain naughty? It may be that he will get a bit more latitude if people know that there is another reason for his behaviour. And if he doesn't, then it doesn't sound like he'd be much worse off to be honest. As for the parties, if the parents feel they couldn't cope with his behaviour, based on what they've seen in the playground or heard from their children, then he isn't going to be invited to parties, unless the parents know he has special needs in which case they might invite him but ask you to stay for the duration of the party to help out.

 

I know that my DS had a friend who was very badly behaved (no SEN as far as I know) and the final straw for me was when he came to play at our house aged 7 and was teasing my AS DD in a very cruel way, copying her mannerisms and making fun of the fact that she can't speak distinctly. He also throws toys and games around when he loses and can be destructive of my son's things. I now refuse to have this child in my house because of his behaviour and he has not been invited to my son's last two birthday parties (I tell my son that I have posted the invitation to him but that he is not able to attend because he's doing something else that day, and just make sure they don't meet up in the period round the party when it might be discussed). I can therefore well understand and sympathise with parents who don't invite what they see as an "out of control" child to parties or to play in their house, and if they did invite your child would he actually be able to attend and would they be able to cope with him with no experience of ASD and not even the information that your child is on the spectrum?

 

My own approach is to be up front with everybody, as I see no reason to hide the fact that my child is on the spectrum, and it is so obvious given her age and communication difficulties that I couldn't conceal that there was some form of learning difficulty even if I tried. I don't feel that it is something which needs to be hidden or ashamed of though, and it would make her life harder if I did try to conceal it, as the expectations of her would be impossibly high.

[cmuir]

Hi

 

Further to my previous post on this subject, one thing I forgot to add is that I find it difficult when R occasionally does get invited to play at other kids houses. I must admit, whilst it's good for R to be asked, I actually prefer to invite kids to my house. That way I'm in control of any situations that may or may not arise. I recall having a conversation with one parent who rightly said that it's not that she wouldn't want R to play at her house, it's just that she wouldn't know how to handle R if things got out of hand. I must say, I admired her honesty and can totally see wher she was coming from.

 

I'm not for a minute saying be glad your child doesn't get invited to socials. Just want to point out that if/when kiddo does get an invitation, it opens up a new set of worries.

 

Best wishes.

 

C,

[alisonatt]

hi <'> thanks for the help what i might do is have a word with his teacher and see if we can work something out, its just heartbreaking but i know there are some good ppl out there that will not turn there noses up at my son and will understand.

[joybed]

We were really lucky when Marcus was in primary as all the children accepted him for who he was and although he didn,t have specific friends as such they all looked out for him and if other kids that didn,t know him bullied him they stuck up for him. i was always totally honest with other parents and his peers and they appreciated this. Since he has gone to comprehensive the kids he has always been at school with have continued to be there for him and to be honest they put in a lot of effort to talk to him as quite often he just tells them to go away. We have had issues with other chidren since the move to comp but this is life and the school are very quick to deak with bullying and the SENCO is a truly remarkable woman.