When and how to discuss AS with a child

[Salbaggio]

We are just at the start of the diagnosis process but I am completely unsure about how to discuss the matter with my child. I feel that if we discuss, specifically Aspergers, with him from an early age it can only prove to be a positive thing.

 

Can I ask when you broached the subject with your children, or when you recall having the matter discussed with you? How did it go, how did you feel? Any advice on how to discuss this would be greatfully received, thank you.

[aspiesrule]

Hi Sally,

 

I tend to agree that being open and discussing early is positive with young children. My son, now 10, just says he has been happy knowing what it is that makes him "different" as it explains why he sometimes feels out of touch, and seems to say the wrong thing. We just told him that when things sometimes went wrong for him, it wasn't really his fault, its just that his brain is wired a bit differently to other peoples. (The only thing to watch out for then is that its not used as an excuse for real naughtiness! ) We really plugged the positives, ie being clever, honest etc. and he is now almost proud to have it. We never spoke of it as a disability, just a difference, and, after all, everyone is different in some way or other. He must have been about 5 when we explained it to him (having researched it quite a lot myself beforehand). When he got to about 7 and his classmates were finding his manner a bit "odd", I asked the teacher to explain AS in simple terms and that worked well. Most of them were quite understanding.

 

Have you read "Can I tell you about Asperger Syndrome? - A guide for friends and family" by Jude Welton ?

 

It explains AS in simple terms and is helpful to share with friends and family members (and school teachers) who need to understand your boy, and may also have bits you can use to explain to him as well.

 

Cheryl

[Salbaggio]

I think that part of my concern is that my so gives no indication at this stage that he feels different from other kids so I am worried about putting the idea in his head IYKWIM. On the other hand I am worried that someone will say something in front of him and I want to be ready with wonderful words AAAAHHHHHH I feel like I am walking through a minefield!

 

We were alone the other day so I broached the subject very cautiously to see if he had picked up on anything. It had been my parents Ruby Anniversary party at the weekend and it caused him a lot of upset, he wanted to go home as soon as we got there etc etc. I started by telling him how brilliant he was and did he know that other children don't find reading as easy as he does. I explained that when he looks at a book he can read it by himself but other children in his class still struggle, their brains are still not recognising the words. Then I said that of course everyone is different and I pointed out that he doesn't like parties as much as other children. He turned to me and said "I think that I am just not in the mood for parties!"

 

I already feel passionately about not allowing this to become an excuse for bad behaviour and I am pretty hopeful that we will be able to acheive a good balance, my eternal parenting dream

 

I love the fact that you had his teacher explain AS to the class, I will certainly bear that in mind for the future.

 

I have not read that book yet but will look out for it thanks for your input xxxx

[chris54]

We did not tell our son(8) about ASD before he was diagnosed. This is really because, at the start, it never crossed our minds and no one said, that what all the assessments etc would lead to was a diagnosis of HFA/AS.

 

I did not see his characteristics as any thing other than normal, just took after me, but then I now realise that I have AS.

It was his problems with school work that triggered the assessments.He was behind with reading(Like me at his age), his handwriting was/is unreadable and he has poor coordination (again like me at his age).

 

I thought he was dyslexic like me ( I'm severely dyslexic) but his reading is now ahead for his age so ruled that out. But the SENCO at new school says he had dyslexic tendances which has not been picked up before.

 

We have told him but he does not really understand what I'm on about as he does not see that he has any problems. As far as he is concerned he is "normal", It is every one else that has the problems.

Edited November 1, 2008 by chris54

[bikemad]

My lad knows n he is 9 but tbh he picked a lot up thru the appointments so I had to discuss it too fill in the missing gaps lol.

[Salbaggio]

Thank you for your comments guys. I think it has helped me to calm down a bit and realise that I only need to say anything as and when the topic comes up. He doesn't feel different and I don't want to put the idea in his head.

[lynne]

 

 

We have used incidents that occur and use these as examples. For example when we am alone with our son we would discuss for example birthday parties and why he does not like going to them. We would than explain this is part of being Autistic/Aspergers.

 

We also promoted that our sons brain is wired differently and just because he does not like something it does not mean he is not capable of achieving. Also it will take our son longer to get there.

 

We also said that ASD is not an excuse for being naughty. And when he was naughty we would explain what part was ASD and what part was the naughty bit.

 

For our children we need to be so precise and clear.

 

 

[MelowMeldrew]

I told my son "Do you know you are autistic ?" he said "Yes..." that was the sum total of his interest in it. He is happy with himself, so I am too...

[Salbaggio]

I told my son "Do you know you are autistic ?" he said "Yes..." that was the sum total of his interest in it. He is happy with himself, so I am too...

 

 

Fantastic!!! I have calmed down no end and realised that if I am not careful I am going to create a problem and make him unhappy with himself which is the one thing I have been so desperate to avoid!

[MelowMeldrew]

Beats me why us parents knock ourselves out trying to change what we cannot, it's pressure from outside, I take no nice at all now, it's their problem.