help/advice/rant

[adamsmum]

hi ive not been on awhile due to being pregnant,but things have been spiralling out of control and now ive had the baby i need to stop them asap.

we have had problems with our eldest hitting his brother due to him keeping him awake at night or destroying his schoolwork or toys etc.

our eldest is statemented for behavioral and learning difficulties and his consultant thinks he may have aspergers but doesnt want to label or pigeon hole him til hes older,hes 11 in feb.

his brother the one being hit is 9 and has severe infantile autism cannot speak or sign and still in nappies most of the time.

i bumped into the consultant on my 12 week scan and asked if he could see the boys and never heard anything since.

but my 9 year old is getting beaten by the eldest nearly daily and has caused loads of bruising during the xmas break where hes been stressed out,now when they went back to school the teacher remarked on the bruises as he had a large one on his right cheek,and my partner told them what was occuring, today 4 days later i get a call after school from the headmaster asking about the bruising and if we had a social worker the upshot is hes refering us to social services and was practically accusing me and my partner of abusing our child.due to the kids playing up i had to end the call,but my partner got back and he phoned the school up and talked to the head and told him how we used to have a social worker and a family support worker but they never helped as they either just sat and moaned about how their funding was being cut and they couldnt offer any support or when we asked them to write letters to housing etc they would mess it up by getting or the facts we told them wrong.the head was a bit snobby towards him ,now im paranoid that when my kids go in to school,social services will pounce on them and they wont be coming home.we have always been truthful to everyone and when my eldest has pushed one of his other siblings onto a concrete path intentionally causing a split lip my partner told hem at a/e what had happened and who had caused it.the eldest has admitted the injuries hes caused to his brother but he will just clam up if a stranger starts asking him what happened.

[Maryanne]

First I would try to figure out why your son is behaving this way. Does he do it for attention from you (or feeling you're paying too much attention to his sibling?). How often does he do this? If it is daily, I would break down time into a couple of hours and tell him if he refrains from hitting for X amount of time you will play a game with him or let him play on the computer for a half hour or some other treat that is something he would really like a lot. Build up the amount of time he needs to go without hitting slowly. Kids respond to positive attention and treats much better than they do to punishment or yelling. I hear how frustrated you are.

Maryanne

[adamsmum]

when we asked son no 1,he said it was because he broke his stuff or he wouldnt let him sleep and was getting on his nerves.we have been stopping going on the pc if he has been hitting adam,so he knows he can only go on it if hes good.but sometimes he just doesnt seem to care.

[NobbyNobbs]

taking away the autism, this behaviour sounds just like the conflict siblings in care often have (i'm not suggesting your kids have the same problems, but ASD behaviour and that of kids in care are very similar, neither have full control over their reactions) so i'll tell you what my family would do for a care case of the same nature -

 

we would focus on seperating the two siblings as much as possible, through 'special' activities that only one can take part in. i know its tricky with lots of kids, especially a baby but giving your son time apart from his brother will ease the feeling of being bound by what his brother does/doesn't do. we arrange set times each week when each child has one to one attention, though not always with us, and the sibling has no involvement in this. after school clubs are useful for this, or something as simple as an hour at a park, a walk or helping to make dinner can have the same effect. the most important thing is that it be their time only. if your younger son needs constant care you would need someone else to look after him at that time so that even if he came to you you could say to your older son 'no, this is your time' and hand younger son off to another person.

 

at the same time we would work on explaining behaviour and 'fixing' problems. if your son is upset that his brother is breaking his toys, perhaps you could discuss ways either the toys can be kept out of reach, and/or a guarentee they will be replaced if they are broken and it isn't his fault. this hopefully would mean that he won't lash out at his brother, he will come to you instead and you can calm him down.

 

we would also spend some time doing activities that both could enjoy to rebuild their relationship once the first steps had started to take effect.

 

the behaviour sounds far more like frustration than anything specific to an ASD. he's tired because his brother is waking him in the night, and so far less able to cope with the stress of the day.

 

hopefully others will be able to expand on other ideas, the route i've suggested takes a long time, (and a lot of it!) so perhaps someone has some quick-fix tips

[Karen A]

Hi adamsmum.It sounds like you are having a very tough time. <'>

It may be worth phoning the secretary or the person who organises appointments for the consultant to make an official request for an urgent appointment for both the boys.That way you will have documentation of requesting support.The consultant may have forgotten about the conversation or may not have picked up how difficult things are at the momment.

Do both boys go to the same school ? I was wondering if your elder son is known to the staff ?

It must be very stressful for you that the school called and it sounds like the situation was not handled too well.However I can understand why the school were concerned about the bruises.If a child has bruises that cause concern and a member of staff is aware of them then they have a responsibilty to report the issue .This is even more important where a child has a disability and cannot communicate regarding what has happened.

I hope that as a result of the referal to social services you are able to obtain some support soon.I do not want to sound like another critical person because I do want to be helpful.But it sounds like you do need some support and help to stop your younger son being beaten by his brother.If it is happening on a regular basis and it is causing bruises then it sounds like your younger son is vulnerable.It sounds like this may not be a situation that you can sort out without some professional advice and support.I hope that the fact that school have raised concerns helps you to get some help.Karen.

[adamsmum]

hi i dont get time to write an in depth thread but no1 son has always had problms with violence hence being statemented for behavioral and no 1 son used to go to special needs school but he was deemed too clever and had to go to mainstream school with fulltime one to one support including breaks.

no2 son the victim as it were goes to a special needs school,the head knows about no 1 son as we tried getting him into his school when it opened,also no1 son has attended the summer play scheme 2 years ago so they should remember him.

they never used to share a room but we did have the typical sibling rivalry with son no 3 so, no1 son had to move into a different room.

[Enid]

Hi, make sure you keep a diary, write down all incidents and report all bruising to GP or HV to cover yourself, My DS, aged 13 attacks his younger siblings when he is in a rage, I too have often been worried they would be taken away, when the help I wanted was for him! we were/are the ones getting assaulted. I know other parents on this forum have had the same problems. Just make sure you write it down and report it. <'> <'> Enid

[Karen A]

hi i dont get time to write an in depth thread but no1 son has always had problms with violence hence being statemented for behavioral and no 1 son used to go to special needs school but he was deemed too clever and had to go to mainstream school with fulltime one to one support including breaks.

no2 son the victim as it were goes to a special needs school,the head knows about no 1 son as we tried getting him into his school when it opened,also no1 son has attended the summer play scheme 2 years ago so they should remember him.

they never used to share a room but we did have the typical sibling rivalry with son no 3 so, no1 son had to move into a different room.

 

<'> I know you may well answer me by saying you have no other option....even as I ask the question.

Is there no way that you could change things round so that son 1 does not have to share a room with son 2 ? It sounds a bit of a difficult situation if son 2 is being beaten up on a nearly daily basis if it is happening whist sharing a bedroom and son 2 is unable to say what is happening. Karen.

 

[adamsmum]

theres just no room,theres 5 boys in total and a newborn baby,in a 3 bed house.

[Enid]

blimy, a bit of a squash then! there are lots of grants around such as family fund, wonder if you could get one for an attic conversion or extension, just a thought. <'> Enid

[Maryanne]

A couple of things come to mind as I read down through. One thing that occurred to me is to make the use of the computer a treat, rather than a punishment. I would reframe things by letting him earn time on the computer by being nice to his brother and I would start small. He gets 15 minutes on the computer when he is decent to his brother for an hour. Like that.

 

The other thing that occurs to me is there is more than one way to have your own room. A space divider, or even a sheet on a clothesline, can divide a room into separate sleeping areas and make his area the farthest from the door so his brother has no reason to track through his space. Heavy blankets hung between can even muffle noises. My parents built a wall in my brothers' room to give me a bedroom in a two bedroom house. I had to walk through their space, but they were kept out of mine. My bedroom was only 6x10, but it was big enough for a twin bed and a nightstand with a dresser at the foot of my bed.

Maryanne

[Karen A]

theres just no room,theres 5 boys in total and a newborn baby,in a 3 bed house.

 

Just wondering.....is it your house or council ?

I was wondering if you could put together a case for a bigger place ?

Three bedrooms ......five boys ....plus /or including the baby plus adult or two.One child with ASD and one with EBD and a statement ....surely you should be given some priority . <'> <'> <'>

I hope that if Social Workers do follow up the referal from school that they offer some support with your housing situation.

We have two boys and two adults living in a three bedroomed house.One son with AS.Even with the space and a very supportive brother Ben can be a challenge.

With so little space and a new baby Social Services and school need to be looking at what they can do to support you.Karen.

 

[adamsmum]

Thanks all. The SW did turn up and had the Supervisor with her. They were very nice and said they could see the boys are happy and not beaten by us. The eldest was asked how he got on with Adam and he said Adam annoys him so she asked what he did about it. He said well i just beat him. I was shocked at how blunt he was. He said it with no feeling at all. They say they are going to help sort out the housing problems and talk to specialist about a full DX. He told us a DX wouldnt make a difference with getting help but SW says they cant help eldest till he has it Im calling NAS on monday. Im wondering if i can ask for a second opinion for eldest as his specialist has been dithering for years and we cant take much more of this. I cant divide the room as they would just pull sheets down . Adam has mentality of 18ths/2yrs and eldest is also delayed a lot so its just not an option. Im hoping whats happend will turn out to be a good thing and we will get some help.