sibling relationship under strain

[southwalessunshine]

Hi all,

My 6 yr old son has been recently diagnosed high functioning aspergers. He loves role playing games but they always end up in tears. I have now banned these games when his cousins come round and get them to play something else or read etc. as they'll get side tracked and wander off when he's sat there not understanding why they now want to play with the dog instead of finishing playinghouse. The problem is with my 14 yr old NT daughter. She loves to play with her brother but no matter what they start off playing it always accidentally ends up in some kind of role playing or games with rules, which my son cannot do either. My daughter loves these games but becomes very bossy and ends up dictating the whole game and it ends in tears. It's got to the point that they argueevery time they spend time together, my son has slapped her a few times and he's a big, strong lad so it's very worrying. I've banned them from doing anything together eccept for reading, playing on the computer together. They can't even build lego as it ends up in rules etc. Does anyone else have similar problems? If so how do you deal with it? What else can my son do with his sister ans for that matter any child who comes to play. It's upsetting for him and everyone else that games always end in tears.

[CWP]

Hi there

 

I don't think I can be of much help here but would be interested to see the responses of people who can. Just so you know though you are not alone. My son is being assessed for suspected AS. He is 5 and his brother is 2. Obviously in my situation the age of my children means that this is somewhat to be expected. My 5 year old is very controlling. He struggles not to snatch things from his brother. Every game they play ends in tantrums most of the time. What we do find is that if we play board games and join in with them it is easier to contol and we counsell each outburst. It helps them to take turns and we are able to keep the oldest calm. I do find that their play is better supervised as if they are left alone its a bit of a countdown until it inevitably ends in tears.

[southwalessunshine]

Hi CWP,

I tried just playing board games but my AS 6yr old has to win and introduces new rules as he goes along. Even if we eplain he can't change the rules he'll still try and then it ends in tears. it's such a dilemma as without board games and role play there is not much left except read. He even makes an arguement out of building Lego as he needs to ake rules about how you build etc. AAAGGGHHH!!!Althugh t's good to know I'm not alone with this one, I'm sorry to hear that you are going through it too x

[NickyB]

Hello SWS

 

I have exactly the same issues with my two - eldest is 11 and NT, and the little one is 6 with high-functioning autism.

 

The older one has always loved to be in control and make up the rules. This wasn't so much of a problem when the little one was younger, as he would just do what his brother said. But as he's got older, he's developed his own rather unique ideas about how games should be played. His big brother has found it very difficult to understand that he can't control what the little one does. More often than not, games will start off fine and then degenerate into a shouting match once the older one tries to introduce more and more 'rules'.

 

I have spoken to the older one, to try and explain how his brother's mind is working (not easy ), and that he has his own way of playing that makes sense to him, although not usually to anyone else. I've also tried to explain that he finds it hard to cope with sudden changes in the 'rules' of play, as he likes things to be predictable. He also has issues with noise and over-excitement, and tends to get very anxious if he's over-stimulated. I've tried to help the older one to recognise the signs of when his brother is reaching his limit and needs to be given some space.

 

Things still get quite fraught a lot of the time, but it's getting better as the older one's understanding improves. I'm not sure if any of that will help, or even if it made any sense

 

Nicky <'> <'>

[dapperma]

I am new here and this is my first post. I am a single mom who has 2 older children who are in college and out on their own (21 and 22) and raising the twins 11 yrs old with one being diagnosed with Asperger's (their father has had no contact with them since they were two)

 

I wanted to share what has helped with the twins when they are playing. Yes the nt twin had much difficulty when his Aspie twin wants to place the rules to all games and prior to implementing the following almost any interaction the two had while playing a game turned into a duel match.

 

This was recommended by a therapist and although it took a while it DOES work.

 

In the very beginning of this method: The boys would initiate a game to play their choice and had to be agreed with both. I would allow them to play for about 10 minutes (usually this amount of time was always good in the past - it is after that amount of time HIS RULES would be applied by the asd twin and fights would break out). I would stop the game after the 10 minutes and praise them both for playing so nice together and move onto another activity or had them go their own ways with reading/playing etc.. (prior to initiating this method the nt twin would hesitate playing b/c he would say "I am not playing with him because we always end up fighting). I instilled in both that they can play games together without fighting. (Before going to the next step -- I had to be sure that this initial one was continuing to work). They continued to play for 10 minutes without any drama and i was able to move on to the next step.

 

This method was later increased by the following: I would sit with my ds with asd and explain to him that he can change the rules one time but his brother could also change one rule. They had to comprise with each other. Again - this method was carried on for a while until both could understand each other. I admit during this time it was rough as it was hard to get the ASD son to realize that others are capable of changing rules also. (This could be playing WAR with the cards, matchboxes on their car mat - games that really didn't have any set rules for playing).

 

The next step was teaching that some games have set rules and no changing of rules were allowed. Again, they were to continue to play for only a set time. The goal was to show that they can play and work out together their differences - and have fun with it.

 

Eventually time was increased as long as I continued seeing the goals being met.

 

Now fast forward a few months and the two can really play much nicer together without set time limits. They actually are sharing a game on their Playstation 2 and working with each other to increase their points. They will comprise with each other -- if you get this for me I will finish this mission for you. Just last night the two decided to play a game that involved one being a puppy trainer and the other was a puppy and even switch roles with each. They set up their own bowls of food and water -- it was so cute.

 

I know a month has gone by since any activity was placed with this post, but just wanted to share. Thanks for the reading.

 

I know I will be back for help with my boys. Have a great day.

 

 

 

 

 

 

[frogslegs]

How I can sympathise!!!!!!!!!!!!For my part the problems take place mainly if we are in a park as my son cannot cope with unstructured situations. And he always has to take a stick, oh I hate sticks, and there he is holding this thing and wacking everyone around with it. My daughter starts by being keen to play but within ten minutes she ends up in tears because either her brother has hit her or pushed or walked on her. Last time we went out some woman made a remark to me saying that if it were her she would slap him... how useful!

As for board games, it's tricky because he is not good at them and his sister who is 3 years younger always wins. He then gets up, storms out of the room and sulks in his room. I try to play with them if I can as it stops things going too far. He particularly hates games which involve strategy such as Monopoly or Blokus. But because he is so good with facts, I found this serie of boxed games called Brainbox which is basically a memory game about facts on geography or animals, history.... and he can show off at that and she can't so that sort of keeps things balanced.

Sometimes my daughter wants her brother to play in her room. I always have to keep my ears 'peeled' when this happens because she is so bossy and it is role play and he is always the dog! Then, because he is very tall and incredibly clumsy, he will crush one or her precious possessions and then a major crisis takes place which requires major diplomatic expertise to sort.

The worst thing is that she has reached a stage where she is ashamed of him because children at school are making remarks to her about her 'bizarre brother' and she ended up bullying him in the playground 'to be with the cool people'. She also resents the extra time I spend with him and my explanations are a bit lost on her. I am hoping that as she matures things will get easier.

Mel