Not too sure what to do

[josie h]

Hi, my problem is not really ASD connected, but I guess some of it stems from it. I just wanted a little advice. C has been having problems at school throughout his school life. he is now 14. We are currently going through change of provision, which is taking forever and doesn't seem to be getting anywhere. C's big problems started about a year ago. Anyway, my other half has problems accepting C's difficulties and often blames him for his actions. which I feel are connected to his ASD. No I feel that I am doing this on my own. My husband used to be supportive, but we seem to be drifting apart. I Work in a playgroup as Deputy, so am often on training courses etc. We had a big row last week and my husband accused me of having an affair which is not true. He doesn't want to accept that I am being the way I am because I don't like the way he is treating the children. He often shouts at them for no reason and I jusy don't like his attitude towards them. This is putting us all under pressure. He didn't talk to me at all yesterday.

 

Now I don't know where to turn. I have no family, both my parents passed away. I want wht's best for my children, but don't want to throw away my marraige either. I don't have any savings so I can't even get away for a while. I don't feel I can talk to my husband as he thinks he's right and I'm lying to him. My oldest Daughter is doing her GCSE's in May, so she doesn't need the pressure either. I just wondered what any of you would do in this situation. I feel that if I had a choice I would leave, but have got nowhere to go, so really don't know what I should do. With everything else thats going on with my son, I just need to get my head straight.

 

Sorry for putting this all on you, but jusy needed a little advice. Not too sure where this is going though.

 

Thanks for listening.

Josie

[SarahSH]

Hi Josie

 

sounds like a horrible situation.

Have to wonder though, we know what's going on for you and it's plenty, but what has brought this on for your husband?

Sounds to me like he's wrestling with something too and I wonder what it is.

Before you rush off (I've done it myself before now, so I know how you feel, but it wasn't a good idea for my kids and not for me either really because it wasn't thought through) maybe it would be worth seeing if there's a conversation you could have with him.

Not so much about what he does or doesn't do, but about what's bothering him at the moment.

 

Just a thought

Good luck whatever you decide to do

Sarah

[bid]

Have you thought of Relate?

 

They don't just do relationship counselling, you can also be seen on your own for help with deciding what to do.

 

Bid

[Kazzen161]

Is there a chance that your dh has aspects of AS? That would explain some of his behaviour, and maybe he sees similarities in your son's behaviour which is making him think that maybe he has AS? My ex (who we all now think has aspects of AS) could not cope with the thought that his child was not "perfect". We split up when the children were little, so I just got on with all the stuff that needed doing, and it is only recently (after 15+ years) that my ex is a bit more accepting of T's dx.

 

Relate are very good - they kept me sane during my divorce. Unfortunately my ex refused to go with me (he had already found someone else). You can go on your own, and they will help you to come to your own decision about what is best.

 

Another option is that you could write a letter to your dh, telling him how you are feeling. It means you have time to think about what you are saying, and he has time to consider what you have said. He could then write back. It takes some of the emotional heat out of the conversation, and if he does have aspects of AS, he may find it easier to deal with. You may find that he is worried about his job or something, and trying to hide it from you.

 

As to getting away, you can book Travelodge rooms for �19 if you book in advance. There is nothing like a night away, even if it is just down the road, to make you feel refreshed (though he will probably think you are off with your boyfriend - so maybe send him away for the night!). You could just go for a long walk by the sea or in the woods, if necessary. I have sat in my car outside the house on occasions, to get a hour of peace.

[baddad]

Is there a chance that your dh has aspects of AS? That would explain some of his behaviour, and maybe he sees similarities in your son's behaviour which is making him think that maybe he has AS?

 

 

Hi josie - sorry to hear about your difficult situation. Kazzen, for my benefit can you please explain the reasoning behind this? TBH i get really, really tired of this attitude that every father who doesn't see things exactly the same way as the mother is a potentially undiagnosed autistic, and i also find the whole issue of casual diagnosis one that does a huge disservice to people who are genuinely on the spectrum. sorry if that sounds blunt - but it really is no less blunt than your blanket suggestion that the behaviour josie is concerned about can be 'explained' by autism.

Anyhoo - back to original topic...

 

Josie, i think relate would be a good starting point, or at least some sort of dialogue to try and get to the bottom of why your husband is behaving in the way he is. If he has voiced suspicions that you may be having an affair then that in itself could be enough to explain his mood swings and frustration/anger. i'm sure you can imagine the emotional turmoil you would feel if you felt that he might be having an affair, however wrong those suspicions might be. On some fundamental level there must be something 'wrong' (either in reality or in his perceptions of your relationship) for him to feel that kind of extreme emotion.

Many many women feel that their husbands don't 'understand' about their child's diagnosis - 'In denial' is a phrase that's banded about almost as casually as 'undiagniosed autistic'... the truth is, however, that a father's relationship with his children often is very different to that of the mother - in fact the society in which we live almost dictates that it will be. The assumption that the father's perspective is automatically 'wrong' is as flawed as that which less than a century ago would have automatically dictated that a father got custody in a divorce hearing, or that more recently would have blamed autism on 'refrigerator mothers'. It may well be that while you feel your partner is unwilling to compromise for your child's needs at all, he feels that you are overcompensating and actually making your son more dependent and disabled as a consequence. Certainly, our children are just as capable as any other child of exploiting situations, and it is not beyond the realms of possibility that your partner is responding to some of your son's behaviours with far greater clarity because of the emotional 'distance' the father's role predicts... I'm not saying that is how he feels, or that if it is his concerns are justified, but if he does feel 'surplus to requirements' in this way or that his perspectives are not valued in any way it could explain some of his behaviour and the feelings of disassociation giving rise to his recent accusation...

Anyway - enough cod psychology from me! the only person who can really tell you what your partner's feeling and why is him - and that demands an open and frank two way dialogue to get those feelings out in the open. If you feel that things have gone too far to be able to achieve that by yourselves then professional counselling with relate or similar is probably the best way to go.

Very, very best to you both with that and for the future.

 

L&P

 

BD

[bid]

I hope you can find a way forward, Josie <'>

 

Bid

Edited February 17, 2009 by bid

[josie h]

Thanks for the advice guys. I am sure it will all work out in the end. Just need to get my head straight.

 

Josie