Breakups, rejections, being told no.

[colicabcadam]

Hi all,

 

I've not had many relationships, I tend to get too clingy and needy way to quickly,. Because of this I tend to live a single life most times.

 

In short.....

 

I'm in a situation at the moment where I spend a lot of time with a girl that just wants to be friends (albeit we have done adult things), but I find myself constantly asking her to have a relationship with me etc. The thing is I do not shut up, i'll go on about it to her for an hour at a time, it's like I can't and wont accept it even though I know I should, she see's other guys so there is no reason for me to keep asking her to give "us" a try, but i do.

 

Is this a fairly common trait in people with AS? Is it harder for people with AS to accept that they are not wanted back?

 

I also find that when I have had one of my many obessesions, (insects, computers, motorbikes, weights) that i don't even think about females at all.... we all know what's it's like when we become saturated by our interests!

 

But, if i break away from my obessesion, and start to get feelings for a lady, she becomes my obsession instead, i drop everything and she becomes everything for me. The only time I have had a succesful breakup and the only time i let go with ease is when I have started a new obsession, but this does not happen too much!

 

Is this common behaviour in the word of AS? Make much sense?

 

Thanks

[bid]

I'm not sure it's possible to answer this, because those of us with AS can't know how someone who is NT would feel in such situations, and vice versa.

 

I also think it must depend on the dynamics of each individual relationship.

 

Bid

[jordansmum33ok]

Hi all,

 

I've not had many relationships, I tend to get too clingy and needy way to quickly,. Because of this I tend to live a single life most times.

 

In short.....

 

I'm in a situation at the moment where I spend a lot of time with a girl that just wants to be friends (albeit we have done adult things), but I find myself constantly asking her to have a relationship with me etc. The thing is I do not shut up, i'll go on about it to her for an hour at a time, it's like I can't and wont accept it even though I know I should, she see's other guys so there is no reason for me to keep asking her to give "us" a try, but i do.

 

Is this a fairly common trait in people with AS? Is it harder for people with AS to accept that they are not wanted back?

 

I also find that when I have had one of my many obessesions, (insects, computers, motorbikes, weights) that i don't even think about females at all.... we all know what's it's like when we become saturated by our interests!

 

But, if i break away from my obessesion, and start to get feelings for a lady, she becomes my obsession instead, i drop everything and she becomes everything for me. The only time I have had a succesful breakup and the only time i let go with ease is when I have started a new obsession, but this does not happen too much!

 

Is this common behaviour in the word of AS? Make much sense?

 

Thanks

 

 

hi again...

funny you should say that as my friend is constantly pursuing me and although i like him alot i cannot have a relationship with him

but he constantly asks..

maybe its a male trait though and not typical AS but i know with my son.. he has problems understanding "like" etc

he has obessions andno matter what i say he sticks to them.. cannot see my logic

 

cannot say ive given you an answer.. just hope it helps in some way

 

[Tally]

Hello, and welcome to the forum.

 

I'm not sure it is necessarily an AS trait to have trouble dealing with rejection. However, AS might indirectly lead to this difficulty, especially if you have experienced painful rejections in the past which makes you more sensitive to it.

 

Since AS makes it difficult to make new friends, it's easy to get too attached to the few that you can make.

 

In this case though, it sounds as though you have become obsessed with this woman. If you did end up in a relationship with her, you may find that she does not live up to your expectations. Or the obsession may pass and you could find you never actually loved her anyway.

 

You need to be careful because she may not be happy with the attention she is getting from you since she does not reciprocate your feelings. She may feel as though you are hassling her. She might even decide to break off the friendship. If you can accept this frienship for what it is, and that there is no hope of a relationship, then you really need to find a way to stop asking her for a relationship. This might mean seeing her less often or for shorter periods. If you cannot maintain just a friendship, you might find the only way to get over your feelings for her is to break off the friendship altogether.

[Mum of 3]

Hi all,

 

I've not had many relationships, I tend to get too clingy and needy way to quickly,. Because of this I tend to live a single life most times.

 

In short.....

 

I'm in a situation at the moment where I spend a lot of time with a girl that just wants to be friends (albeit we have done adult things), but I find myself constantly asking her to have a relationship with me etc. The thing is I do not shut up, i'll go on about it to her for an hour at a time, it's like I can't and wont accept it even though I know I should, she see's other guys so there is no reason for me to keep asking her to give "us" a try, but i do.

 

Is this a fairly common trait in people with AS? Is it harder for people with AS to accept that they are not wanted back?

 

I also find that when I have had one of my many obessesions, (insects, computers, motorbikes, weights) that i don't even think about females at all.... we all know what's it's like when we become saturated by our interests!

 

But, if i break away from my obessesion, and start to get feelings for a lady, she becomes my obsession instead, i drop everything and she becomes everything for me. The only time I have had a succesful breakup and the only time i let go with ease is when I have started a new obsession, but this does not happen too much!

 

Is this common behaviour in the word of AS? Make much sense?

 

Thanks

 

Hi there, I'm answering this from a female, NT perspective.

Call me old-fashioned, but I'm not sure this girl really knows what she wants...she knows that you want to take this relationship further, and says that she doesn't, yet you've 'done adult things' together. Does she know about your AS? If so, she should be extra careful to make sure that she doesn't give you mixed messages, and that is certainly what she's doing here. By doing 'adult things', she's giving you hope, but by going out with other boys, she's taking that hope away. To me, that's just mean, and not very friendly!

To put the best spin on it that I can, it sounds like she could be confused about her own feelings, and that's why she wants to be friends, with a bit more, but not have a relationship.

What you need to do is to decide if the friendship is worth the upset of knowing that she doesn't (at the moment!) want a relationship, and if you decide it is, then enjoy the friendship, and take up a new (or revive an old!) interest to stop yourself obsessing. Your friendship will be much more enjoyable if you both accept it and get on with it instead of trying to make it into something it's (at the moment) not!

As for whether it's an AS trait or not, I feel like Bid, it's hard for NTs to speculate, as I don't understand the strength of your 'obsession'. One thing I do know, is that I've been on both sides of this particular fence in my dim and distant past, and neither is very much fun! I've had male friends who I quite fancied, and who I would have liked to 'go out with', but any slight encouragement has made them come on way too strong, and I've felt like they were trying to stifle me and take over my every waking (and sleeping!) moment! This is, I think, a human trait, one which many of us fall into, and it's called unrequited love, and it's horrible .

I do hope you manage to sort this out, and find someone to have a relationship with who shares your feelings equally, because when you get that, it's the best feeling in the world <'>

[Diane]

if i break away from my obessesion, and start to get feelings for a lady, she becomes my obsession instead, i drop everything and she becomes everything for me. The only time I have had a succesful breakup and the only time i let go with ease is when I have started a new obsession, but this does not happen too much!

 

Is this common behaviour in the word of AS? Make much sense?

 

Thanks

 

 

I have read up about this and yes it can be the norm for someone with AS to have another person as their obsession. This is not just about the opposite sex but with anyone who comes into your life.

 

I do not have any advice as this is something i am still researching.

 

My own interest is that my DS has an obsession with his psychologist and has attachment issues.

 

When I have learnt more about this and it could take a while I will let you know.

 

 

[colicabcadam]

thanks for the replies, felt better airing it out!

 

like someone said, it could be because i find it hard to meet new people, especially girls, which i why i want so much from her, the thing is i go from panicking and getting upset, to not caring and being on top of the world. it's once i start thinking about her not wanting me and spending tiem with other people that i become all clingy.

 

i spent 23 years of my life not knowing i had aspergers, i and all my mates just thought i was a normal person, it's funny because it explains so much about me being shy around girls and being very close with mates, but not willing to welcome new people into my life!

 

we're actually going on holiday at the end of the month (if her passport arrives), so maybe it'll be a make or break thing.